News & Politics

Michael Jackson’s Doctor Admits To Prescribing Fentanyl To Prince From Jail

by Mick Zano • June 2, 2016

Dr. Conrad Murray is back in the news today after authorities claim the controversial doctor had been prescribing several opioids to Prince shortly before his death. One of the drugs, fentanyl, is even stronger than the opioid that killed his former client, Michael Jackson. Dr. Murray told the Discord today, “First off, call me the guy formerly known as doctor. Get it? Anyway, I didn’t mean any harm. I still had a few pages on my script pad, so I told Prince, ‘As long as it’s not propofol. That shit got me into a lot of trouble last time.’ Oh, and I also warned him against taking this medication and then partying like it’s 1999.”

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by Mick Zano • May 30, 2016

Shady Acres Retirement Home—Dr. Henry Heimlich was in the news earlier this week after saving a fellow retirement home tenant from choking. More details of the incident are emerging that throw the famous anti-choke artist into a decidedly different light. According to witnesses, before Mr. Heimlich was able to eject the goods, a Lemony Snicket-like series of unfortunate events ensued.

“I knew what to do,” argues Dr. Heimlich, “But, look, I haven’t taken a life saving training since the Reagan Administration. I practiced one time on Johnny Carson back in the day. Sure his opening monologue wasn’t great that night, but he wasn’t exactly choking either.”

Dr. Heimlich is denying allegations he was hoping for such an event by paying kitchen staff on the side to serve unboned fish and extra-grisly meat.

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by Mick Zano • May 26, 2016

What do we know about Republican foreign policy? About as much as they do, nadda, nichts, zilch. We do know they want to bomb everything that moves. On that note, my friend Keith is screwed. When polled, nearly a third of our rightwing citizenry want to bomb Agrabah (a fictional Disney city). True story …not about Aladdin, the poll. We must convince the Sultans of Swing to magic-carpet-bomb the animated menace! Say what you will, but there’s probably a better argument to invade Agrabah then there was for Iraq. After all, Agrabah does pose a clear threat to greater Ishtar. If we invade anywhere, it needs to be Mulan. That little bitch is becoming a real problem. But I doubt Trump could even find Mulan, On Demand.

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by Mick Zano • May 23, 2016

Syria—The head of the self-proclaimed Islamic State, Abdul Mohammed-Edlestein, is claiming responsibility for Donald Trump. ISIS worked diligently to infilitrate the Donald’s personality and promised a “really great deal”, if he agreed to work for them as a double agent. “We promised him cars and girls,” said Mohammed-Edelestein. “The usual. We did this using a series of suggestive Tweets. Join ISIS, Donald! #carsNgirls #DesertHotties4U. We promise different things depending on the region of the world, but for Americans we always get them on the old cars-and-girls routine. You see, some Republicans are fighting for us and the rest are recruiting for us. It’s win win! The cars are actually U.S. military and the girls are just us wearing hijabs (ha, ha!). We like dressing like girls, but don’t tell our creator.”

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by Mick Zano • May 20, 2016

Cleveland, OH—The CEO of Fox News, Roger Ailes, is confirming the RNC’s intentional release of Zika carrying mosquitos in swing states as part Operation Freedumb’s Bite. Republicans are concerned about their upcoming general election chances. It remains unclear if they can win on the uneducated, angry white-vote alone. With the release of Zika, the frontal lobes of liberals across the nation will atrophy as the republican base conversely widens. Mr. Ailes believes this can help republicans chances in the general election and may even boost his own news channel’s ratings. Critics of the move are calling the stunt Mosquitovellian, but Mick Zano has narrowed it down to either DEMmentia or Roger Ailezheimers.

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by Mick Zano • May 17, 2016

Burlington, VT—In an attempt to woo democratic superdelgates towards his cause, Senator Bernie Sanders enacted a little understood and rarely seen political courting ritual. The event took place earlier today at an undisclosed location outside of Burlington, Vermont. To keep with his message, Senator Sanders charged 27 dollars a plate and his wife made most of the food from scratch. Although the impact of this event remains unknown, critics were quick to call the performance “an act of desperation”, “beneath the dignity of his office,” and “clearly PhotoShopped by imbecils.”

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by Mick Zano • May 14, 2016

Vain Manor—The Trump campaign is reeling after allegations have surfaced that involve The Donald’s personal butler encouraging the assassination of our sitting president on social sites. Mr. Trump is standing by his long time friend, “My butler is a great man. He’s the best, great man and he is totally innocent. First off, he would never say stuff like that outside of the Batshit Cave and second, he’s like what? 120? He wouldn’t know a social site if it Tweeted him in the ass.”

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by Mick Zano • May 11, 2016

Why is everyone getting this Trump thing so wrong? Trump didn’t kill the republican party, Beauty killed the beast. Actually, stupidity killed the beast, but the death of conservatism under the weight of its own ignorance is not surprising. Today’s Grand Old Party is like that donkey Eeyore on an Alabama tilt-a-whirl—a sad state of affairs all around. Mitt Romney just told the New York Times that Trump represents a “stain on the party that would lead it to ruin.” A stain, Mitt? A skidmark the size of Brownsville would be an upgrade for your party. Fruit of the Goons?

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by Mick Zano • May 2, 2016

New York, NY—Donald Trump was all smiles today as he held aloft his honorary degree from Trump University. Dean Izzy Credentialed claims, “The honorary version of our six-figure degree is just as valid as the real thing. Sadly.” Upon receiving the honor, Trump stated, “I don’t generally do the humbled thing, but if I did, this would be that time …but, again, I don’t, so NO.” In the same ceremony, Trump was also presented with the Key to Trump Tower, from his maintenance guy, Steve.

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by Mick Zano • April 25, 2016

What is our cultural identity and why is it important? What does it mean to be an American in the 21^st century? We are very divided, which has implications for both our identity and our future. Amidst any discussion these days, bipartisanship breaks out faster than a Ferguson Missouri Trump rally riot. Today, the Republican fringe is preparing for a holy war and factions of our New Age liberals are worried about an alien invasion from Nibiru. Hmmm, so how do we reconcile these two groups? Onward Christian Mulder?

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