News & Politics

News & Politics

Botanist Discovers Trump’s Hair A Form Of Aquatic Chia-Pet

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Newark, NJ—Botanist Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute & Grill, has announced his discovery today regarding the origins of presumptive GOP nominee Donald Trump’s hair. Dr. Hogbein believes the hair follicles are actually a form of aquatic plant life in the anemone family. Dr. Hogbein explains, “I have strong evidence that Mr. Trump’s hair is in fact a genetically modified Diadumene lineata, or orange-striped sea anemone. Some time ago the body of the anemone was surgically planted beneath Mr. Trump’s skull. He apparently has plenty of tiny holes in his head through which the tentacles could then grow in a similar manner to the loveable Chia-Pet. This is why it looks so natural, except the color, and can be styled like natural hair. Unfortunately, if my hypothesis is correct, I estimate the anemone’s column, or main body, has grown to a point where there’s very little room left for any cerebral matter. This might explain Mr. Trump’s Tweets. Also, with the end of the digestive tract being under Mr. Trump’s scalp, well, it brings new meaning to the word shit for brains.”

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Admiral General Aladeen Denies Being Vetted For Trump VP

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Wadiya—The Trump campaign is calling the rumor that the Butcher of Wadiya was ever considered a viable running mate, absurd. Whereas Trump admits he recently showered the Admiral General with praise, the Trump Campaign never considered him on the “short list” because he was born in another country, the UN wants him for war crimes, and he’s pro-choice.

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Trump Leaves RNC Chair Locked In Hot Car With Windows Rolled Up

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New York, NY—Only days before the Republican National Convention, RNC Chair Reince Priebus, was left in one of Donald Trump’s limousines with the windows rolled up for nearly an hour. The incident occurred outside of Trump Tower in Manhattan in 78° plus heat. Mr. Priebus is considered in stable condition at this hour, well, as stable as any republican can be with their current frontrunner being Donald Trump.

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Clinton Begs To Be Indicted Rather Than Face Dozens Of Server Hearings

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clinton-busted1Dr. Zano here predicted Hillary would not be indicted, but only because 9 out of 10 attorneys and legal experts were saying an indictment was “highly unlikely.” Of course, Fox News has that one guy who thought otherwise on speed dial. By the way, this is a rebuttal to Pokey’s last feature, here. Was justice served? No idea, but I will say this: it was not the best of outcomes. The decision did not pave the way for a Sanders/Warren ticket, but it was damaging enough to make a President Trump all the more likely (gulp). I personally hate the Benghazi/email-server witch hunts, but only because I keep having to come up with different jokes to make the same miserable points. Flashback fav!

“If Benghazi was the real 9/11, then The Rutles started the British Invasion.”

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Witch Hunt or Lying Cult? The Wheels Are Off The Clinton Machine

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thI’m having trouble determining whether Zano and his Discordian cult truly believe that the whole Benghazi/email investigation is a matter of Republican witch hunting, or if they are willfully ignoring the obvious fact, that Hillary Clinton knowingly lied about the Benghazi attack and has purposefully destroyed subpoenaed information that would play unfavorably to her Presidential ambitions. My goal is for all reasonable people (Zano loosely qualifies) to acknowledge the obvious fact that Hillary Clinton lied, obstructed justice, and put our nation’s security at risk for her personal aspirations. If you still want to elect her president, so be it, but stop calling this a witch hunt and acknowledge reality. You can do this in spoof news form, if you must.

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Not Again! Bill Clinton Follows Attorney General Into Ladies’ Room At Harrah’s

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clintonrestroomMLLas Vegas, NV—Former President Bill Clinton is back in the news today after tracking down Attorney General Loretta Lynn at Harrah’s Casino in Vegas. According to witnesses, Lynch tried to duck away by entering the restroom, but Mr. Clinton followed her right in. Both are denying any wrongdoing. According to Lynch, Bill Clinton never mentioned his wife’s investigation, but rather the two talked about the smell, how they both prefer the Fremont area of Vegas, and the disturbing lack of urinals.

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Harbingers of Dumb? More Signs This 240 Year Experiment In Democracy Is Winding Down

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I’m kidding! The GOP has been a big pile of shit for a long time. It just keeps getting deeper, is all. Searching for the last sane Republican is tough, like finding Bigfoot on Mars tough. I’ve always referred to the last few sane conservatives with an almost cryptozoological fondness. I’m talking about people like David Frum (an old Bush speech writer), Andrew Sullivan (blogger extraordinaire) and the grandpa of the party, George Will. Where are they now, you ask? Well, Frum is still fighting the good fight over at the Beast, but even he admits his party broke from reality long ago, here.  Andrew Sullivan nearly went mad trying to reform the GOP and finally stopped Dishing it out all together. And, last week, George Will announced he switched from Republican to unaffiliated. This means he may well struggle now when choosing an appropriate public restroom. Upon Will’s departure Trump immediately Tweetomized him here. I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about The GOP, but there are signs all across the globe the scheiss is about to hit the lufter.

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Markets Tank After Latest EU Conference “Catered” By Dunkin Donuts

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merkelMLBrussels, BE—If the German Prime Minister, Angela Merkel, was trying to portray a strong and resolute European Union today, she did nothing of the sort. She arrived at the latest EU conference to discuss the details of The United Kingdom’s withdrawal carrying three boxes of Dunkin Donuts. Sweden, Finland, and Spain did not even get one as Merkel apparently did not “bring enough for everybody.”

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First Clinton/Trump Debate To Take Place In Dante’s Fourth Circle Of Hell

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The Fourth Circle of Hell—Many are questioning the devil’s decision to host the first presidential debate. What’s even more disturbing for some is Lucifer’s choice to hold the event in the fourth circle. Dante’s Hell has a total of nine circles, and four bathrooms, but recent national polling indicates the majority of Americans feel the debate should be held in a much lower circle.

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