News & Politics

Discord Orders Competency Evaluation After Pence Names Cheney As Role Model

by Mick Zano • September 19, 2016

Kidding, I want a competency evaluation for the entire Republican establishment. Kidding, there is no longer a Republican establishment. Kidding, it’s established but need not be. Let me start again: our VP candidate, Mike Pence, is apparently a huge Dick ….Cheney fan. Some of you may remember Cheney as the guy touting a 13% approval rating at the end of his tenor. The man who is still giving Obama foreign policy advice despite a scathing intelligence report released this friggin’ week. Essentially this latest report identifies the invasion of Iraq as the event that ultimately threw a lifeline to jihadism and helped spread terrorism globally. It was the single worst foreign policy decision since Nam, but it will have much longer global ramifications. The world has still not recovered from Cheney’s recklessness and may never. He should not be venerated. In fact, if you still believe in the rule of law he should be hung. Maybe Pence is also hung and, if frequently aroused, this could impact blood flow to the brain. [Dick Brainy joke removed by the editor.]

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by Mick Zano • September 17, 2016

Romanticism is an oft-neglected aspect of the delusional Republican landscape that I call the TwiRight Zone. Our conservative friends are desperately trying to salvage their legacy. Social media is awash with folks evoking Lincoln for some scant validation. Could you imagine Lincoln on Hannity? “Excuse me, young man, but I am late for a play …I know, son, but unlike you I can choose the lesser of two evils. Now if you’ll excuse me.” See? I have much more in common with Lincoln! We would both rather be shot in the head than sit through Hannity. It gets worse. Republicans can’t seem to acknowledge how our political platforms switched around the time of the Civil War. Do you really think you were the progressive types at the end of the 19th century? Really? Were you the folks creating the underground railroad, or is it more likely you were cutting holes in some sheets? Yeah, I can see the carriage bumper sticker now: KKK is OKKK with Emancipation! So you don’t fall victim to similar blunders in the future, here’s an easy trick: if it’s something that history judged meaningful or good, you voted against it.

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by Mick Zano • September 13, 2016

The latest Discord poll indicates Donald Trump has jumped to a 12 point lead with lab chimps and other primates. Republicans may not believe in evolution, but Trump plans to ride this wave of primate support all the way to the White House. Zoologist Dian Fossey is disturbed by these numbers, “I lived with a family of gorillas in the mist and I really thought I understood them. Now I feel it was all a lie and maybe we should go with my first idea to just process them for their ivory.” When explained she is likely thinking of elephants and rhinos, she said, “I thought Rinos were Republican In Name Only? Very little ivory in those.”

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by Mick Zano • September 9, 2016

Neuroscientists believe they have discovered the underpinnings of the phenomenon known as déjà vu. This happens when an individual gets the sensation an experience has already occurred. Unfortunately for one scientist, finding the answer has proven anything but rewarding. Dr. Stanley Whittle explains, “Déjà vu has always fascinated me. Not only the strange word and those even stranger dohickeys over two of the letters, but all the other really fun brain stuff. Essentially, it involves the conflict-checking region of the frontal lobes, but once this region is over-stimulated, well, it’s like biting the inside of your mouth. It keeps being triggered. Didn’t you just ask me that?”

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by Mick Zano • September 7, 2016

CNN’s Anderson Cooper asked Donald Trump today why he never seems to back down, even after an obvious gaffe. Mr. Cooper pointed out how lately the republican nominee seems to be constantly waffling, pivoting and offending, minus any accountability. Mr. Trump responded, “I don’t think that’s true. It’s not true. I can be accountable when necessary. Most of the time I am simply evolving from a correct position to an even more correct position. The best position. I have walked so much shit back in the last few weeks, Anderson, people are calling me a moonwalking ninja. Or maybe I just Tweeted that.”

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by Mick Zano • September 2, 2016

Sure it’s been fun watching the Republican establishment squirm to defend the indefensible, but I continue to question the viability of this not-so Grand Old Party. I just want them to go away at this point. I know, I know, that sounds a bit extreme, but so are they. Nearly half our country is reaching a dangerous level of political ineptitude. How do these so-called ‘staunch constitutionalists’ continue to perpetrate the most egregious affronts to our civil liberties? Republicans championed the roll back of Dodd-Frank, the Voters Right Act, the Patriot Act, and Citizens United. And, in their spare time, they continue to chip away at women’s rights. These guys are to the Constitution as mold is to bread. Fox & Fungi?

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by Mick Zano • August 22, 2016

Here’s a homework assignment for those disenfranchised Sanders supporters among us. Besides learning how to count delegates correctly, I want you all to direct your youthful angst toward a certain government agency. It’s called the Drug Enforcement Agency. They are the ones shooting your dog and arresting your loved ones for harmless substances. Crack lives matter! Look, even I do retractions and I am just a spoof news satirist, which I believe means I worship Clown Satan (sorry, I never studied). So who is the 2016 Gold Medal winner for lack of retractions? You guessed it, the DEA. After five years of legal proceedings, marijuana will remain a Schedule 1 substance. Ballistic does not begin to capture the adjectives swirling around my head right now, so let’s add the DEA to the coveted Hall Of Things That No Longer Serve A Purpose. Recap: you lost the War on Drugs, badly, and now let’s add your stunning loss to the War on Reason. They should be part of John Oliver’s How Is This Still A Thing?

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by Mick Zano • August 16, 2016

Youngstown, OH—During a key foreign policy speech this week, presumptive republican nominee Donald Trump referred to the sitting president as the “founder of ISIS”. Initially Mr. Trump defended his statement as did many prominent republicans familiar with the delusional arts. The Donald then changed tact by downgrading his remarks to a form of sarcasm. When it was explained how sarcasm implies wit or irony and that his statement was neither, Mr. Trump replied, “I meant a pun. It’s a Yuuge pun! Or what’s it called when a word is spelled the same way backward?” Mr. Trump was then explained that the palindrome for ISIS is SISI, which is not particular funny and somewhat plagiaristic.

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by Mick Zano • August 14, 2016

Sorry Republicans, but the DNC was a fairly impressive display. It delivered what the RNC never could, complete sentences. It was a shame how Putin and friends stole the libs mojo right before Act 1. Cossack Thunder? Oh, and I saw my first Hillary bumper sticker the other day! It was on the back of a limo, followed by a fleet of other limos …in Philadelphia …during the convention. Well, at least Hillary is ready for Hillary. One down, 57 million to go! I’d say she has two votes in the bag, but Bill always cheats when you leave him alone for five minutes. Proposition 69? If The GOP continues to get worse at math, maybe she can win the presidency with fewer electoral college votes. We’ll just tell Donald it’s like golf, the lowest score wins. No matter what happens in November, I remain proud of our current President. I know a lot of folks will be glad to see the Obamas go, but eventually you will come to realize how the highest office in the land demands a thoughtful/intelligent person. Kidding, Republicans are to realization as Cthulhu is to mindfulness.

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by Dr. Kwela Juluka • August 13, 2016

Contrary to considerable negative public opinion, I must assert that Donald J. Trump is perhaps the best thing to happen to America in its entire history. His peculiar qualifications, non-conventional psychological constitution, and remarkable absence of self-control make him a distinctly influential political player. He has single-handedly ripped the shrouds of ambiguity and obfuscation off the face of the Republican Party, revealing in stark clarity the fundamental beliefs of his party.

“Donald is to politics what the Corvair was to automobiles, what lead was to house paint, what unsealed Tylenol was to the pharmaceutical bottle industry.”

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