News & Politics

Paul Ryan Added To List Of People Trump Will Drone Strike On Day One

by Mick Zano • October 15, 2016

Trump Tower—Donald Trump expressed his extreme disgust with the current Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan. Trump feels betrayed by the republican establishment and is taking his ire out on one of the latest defectors in a series of vicious Tweets. The latest Tweet threatens to add Mr. Ryan to his growing drone strike list. Mr. Trump was asked about the legality of assassinating an American on American soil without due process, and The Donald replied, “I will import some soil from Mexico and when he’s standing on it, then I’ll give the order. Besides, executive orders mean I can do what I want. It’s right in the Constitution, blessed are the executive orders, or something. All the presidents have used them. Libs tend do good things with them and republicans tend to do bad things and I am running as a republican, so do the math.”

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by Mick Zano • October 14, 2016

Let’s marry my ongoing GOP-ineptitude narrative with my research on cognitive distortions. Don’t worry, with jokes! The cognitive pitfall of all cognitive pitfalls is actually (drum roll) …normalcy bias! This particular distortion will play a role in November as well as our collective demise. You see, Republicans are like terrorists in that they only have to get this electoral college shit right once. I’m predicting that if Republicans do return to the White House, normalcy bias will be the vehicle that drives them there. The upcoming election and every election cycle hence will equate to one hell of a Russian roulette-style drinking game. Putin on the Schlitz? No matter how well liberal administrations limp this country along, or even manage to emulate a thriving economy, one day soon our electorate will decide to to peek behind door number two. Hint: #2 is a euphemism for poopy.

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by Mick Zano • October 12, 2016

Secret Moon Base—The Evil Villain Injustice League, which also spells evil, has convened on Dr. Evil’s Secret Moon Base to discuss their growing disdain for one Donald Trump. The criminal masterminds in attendance believe Mr. Trump has alienated a group of his staunchest supporters. They are now challenging the Republican nominee to Grab This Pussy. Dr. Evil explains, “It occurred to me after I thought about that old commercial with Robert Conrad. The one where he has a battery on his shoulder and he dares the audience to knock it off. My idea is kind of like that, except with death rays. Trump had our support, but he has sharted all over the same people funding his presidential aspirations. You didn’t really think he funded his whole campaign, did you? He needs to start playing to his base …his evil moon base. He didn’t only look the gift horse in the mouth, he humped the frickin’ thing right in front of us. Like that chair at the debate. Was that chair cleaned or destroyed? The people have a right to know.”

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by Mick Zano • October 10, 2016

Clay County Florida—After rescuing a bald eagle wedged in a car grille, the Clay County Sheriff’s office is now admitting the bird was actually just hiding there to avoid the 2nd presidential debate. Sheriff Roscoe P. Justice explains, “We know the bird was uninjured when we found her, which we initially attributed to luck, but that changed quickly. We knew something was up when we freed the bird entirely, but it still didn’t want to come out.” According to several witnesses from the Sheriff’s department, the storm-drove-the-bird-into-the-car theory started to unravel after the eagle became agitated while officers were playing the debate. “The thing went nuts every time either candidate spoke,” said Deputy Droopy Fife. “I have never seen anything like it, well, except for that time a marlin jumped into a fishing boat just to avoid the Oscars. In the marlin’s defense, it was Neil Patrick Harris.”

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by Mick Zano • October 9, 2016

Trump Tower—The Trump campaign could not be happier as they attempt to spin their bad week into something decidedly more positive. Donald Trump explains, “During the John Kerry presidential run in, uh, back several years ago, Republicans had to find a number of people to lie about his war record. They made up a bunch of shit that helped get Bush elected. It worked, it worked. Now I don’t have to wait around just to get caught off guard. I’m out in front on this one. I just swiftboated myself with my own mouth. And why not? I don’t need people swiftboating for me, like Kerry. Weak, it was weak. I don’t outsource that shit. I took the initiative and pulled this off with numero uno, all while stepping in numero deuco. That’s called multi-tasking. I guess you can say I swiftly self-shitboated myself. Yeah, take that Trumped-up trickle down, bitch.”

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by Mick Zano • October 7, 2016

Dear David Frum, start a new party, sincerely Reality. To take a page from Trump, how about some 2nd Amendment options? I think your party needs to be taken out back and shot. There used to be a counterpart to liberal excesses. Back in the day, I would even talk about the sane Republicans like George Will, Andrew Sullivan, David Frum and Damon Linker. Today, it’s kind of a last man standing thing. All but Frum left the GOP (with prejudice). Mr. Frum understands why George Will recently called it quits and yet he remains bent on reforming this seemingly hopeless party. After watching the VP debate, your alternate reality is complete. You have a megalomaniacal ass-clown as your nominee and an evangelical reality-denier VP, who “won” the debate by denying everything his boss said. Nothing to see here. When it came to foreign policy questions, Pence’s views are beyond historical revisionism; it’s historical negationism. Your party is like watching the Aytollaha at the Holocaust Museum or Senator James “Snowball” Inhofe at Glacier National Park. Can I make a citizens arrest on an entire political party? Pull over to the curb, hands where I can see them (bang). Oops, I thought your Bible was loaded. Sorry, no indictment. The NRA bumper sticker was probable cause.

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by Mick Zano • October 3, 2016

Deep Face—Scientists originally believed repeated radio bursts from space could be explained by colliding pulsars or giant rocks humping each other somewhere in the asteroid belt. This all changed recently when a scientist was able to match radio waves with a Rush Limbaugh segment on why Obama hates America. Dean Steller, head of the Chipotle Observatory over on Milton, explains, “I don’t want to Rush to conclusions. Get it? Anyway, fat radio bursts (FRBs) remained an unexplained phenomenon until one of our interns happened to be listening to Rush Limbaugh at work. He noted how several of these radio bursts appeared on our sensors at precisely those moments when Limbaugh was on a ranty roll. They matched up perfectly during particularly heated exchanges. Oh, and yes we fired the intern for political reasons.”

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by Mick Zano • September 29, 2016

Anxiety is on the rise in this country and all this extra cortisol in the air is starting to stress me out. After reading a recent New York Times article I realized someone who knows about politics and anxiety should cover this topic ….with jokes! This NYT piece, which used Google-search trends as evidence, suggests our country’s recent stress-spike is not due to either Trump, Hillary or ISIS. As it turns out, poverty may be the biggest determinate of anxiety. This is no surprise when one considers Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. We all know what happens during a zombie apocalypse, and in parts of the Middle East such an event would go unnoticed. The Walking Daesh? My colleague Pokey thinks this Mess-o-patamia is due entirely to ideology. He is neglecting our own involvement, oil revenues, The UN, despots, rampant poverty, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria. So why are 99.99% of American Muslims behaving, Poke? Did I mention Maslow? It’s much harder to radicalize someone with a full belly and a roof over their head. In fact, American Muslims are behaving even amidst this heightened redneck retaliations (RNR). Hey New York Times, I found a correlation of my own between ‘free tequila’ and instances of drunken mosque vandalism. In related Google-search trend news, Midget Porn has finally surpassed Hot Asian Sluts! Why not take a fiver NYT guy, and let the spoof newser take it from here?

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by Mick Zano • September 25, 2016

CNN’s Moon Base—The first presidential debate is scheduled for tomorrow night on CNN. The fact-checkers for this much anticipated event are now concerned the 90-minutes allotted will prove “woefully inadequate for the task at hand.” The head of the commission of Presidential Debates, Janet Brown, is requesting 72-hours debate extension, complete with scheduled naps and bathroom breaks. The moderator of the debate, CNN’s Lester Holt, explains, “Since Donald Trump is a pathological liar this complicates our job tremendously. Sure most politicians lie, but if everything coming out of one of the debater’s mouths is utter nonsense, we’re going to need a lot more time to fact-check in real time. Otherwise Trump could win the debate without even mistakenly saying something accurate.”

Bill Maher is on record as stating, “Leave Real Time out of this, please.”

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by Mick Zano • September 24, 2016

Springfield, OH—Fourth grade teacher at Roosevelt Elementary School, Janice Mackenzie, invited Hillary Clinton to a scheduled class debate. Mrs. Mackenzie told the Discord today, “This is the perfect year. The kids are really obnoxious and seem almost feral. I think it’s the perfect environment to prepare Secretary Clinton for Monday night’s debate. I asked my class to study Donald Trump’s debate-style, or lack thereof, and I even promised extra points for any relevant disparaging remarks regarding Rosie O’Donnell.”

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