News & Politics

Trump Promises Change And Unity During Plagiarized, Divisive Inauguration Speech

by Mick Zano • January 20, 2017

Washington, DC—Donald J-dog Trump was sworn in Friday as the 45th president of the United States. During an inauguration speech that many are calling batty, shitty and even batshitty, Trump promised to always put America first. The newly sworn in president minced no words, except maybe the ones that came out of his mouth (cough). President Trump made it very clear, in garbled form, that he intends to place the United States over all other countries, over the planet itself, and even over the wishes of our Galacian warlords (the aliens who actually run our planet from the Orion nebula).

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by Mick Zano • January 20, 2017

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama spent his final hours in office … well, just look at the headline again. Many are calling Mr. Obama’s actions beneath the dignity of his office, but Obama had a short and poignant response to critics that involved his middle finger. He littered the streets with armfuls of farewell gifts. Amongst the endless glitter, cash, ribbons, medals, and parchments, Mr. Obama hurled copies of his birth certificate and handfuls of Get Out Of Trump Free cards. This was obviously not a planned excursion as the Secret Service spent several hours chasing the president’s vehicle before finally apprehending him and returning him to the inauguration festivities.

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by Mick Zano • January 19, 2017

Washington, DC—Upon vacating the premises at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue on January 20th, the Obamas will not receive the customary $1200 security deposit. The landlord of the White House, I guy named Mel, informed the press today, “The Obamas trashed the place. I haven’t seen anything like this since Nixon was just shitting everywhere on the way out.” Apparently the reasons for the additional clean up costs ranged from broken windows and bullet holes to intentional vandalism and graffiti. “Someone drew a moustache on a bust of Theodore Roosevelt,” explained Mel. “What’s infuriating is how he already had a moustache! I’m sure it was those two little hooligans. We call them Thing 1 and Thing 2.”

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by Mick Zano • January 15, 2017

Oz—After much ado about show biz, the oldest and most famous circus of all time will end all performances in May of 2017. Chairman and CEO Kenneth Feld explains, “I made the difficult business decision that Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus cannot continue under a Trump Administration. We have elephants, they are elephants. We have clowns, they are clowns. We can’t balance our budget anymore, and they never could, yada yada. Granted Republicans are a little more akin to a theater of the bizarre, but this industry has become like mass-producing those hobo-clown collectibles, sad and redundant.”

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by Mick Zano • January 12, 2017

The incoming administration will thrust our nation into one of the darker corners of The TwiRight Zone. The historical two punch resembles bookends: on one side we have 9/11, or more accurately our piss poor reaction to it, and on the other we have President Donald J. Trump. This election hit me harder than 9/11 as The Donald personifies our nation’s ideological, educational and developmental deficiencies. The Underachievables? Post 9/11, we watched W. gut our foreign policy safeguards, suspend habeas corpus, torture some folks, and then created the Orwellianesque NSA and drone program we enjoy today. Thoughtful discretion ruled for the last eight years, but now we are handing these expanded powers to a man child with an even more expanded ego. The Donald aims to finish what Incurious George started, so check please! And balances please! Kidding, those will become harder to find than a water filter in Flint, Michigan under Trump’s new EPA pick. David Frum and others believe our Constitutional firewalls will hold. They are wrong. Trump will rule like a strong man, well, a strong man with a brain-eating bacteria. Trumptofuccus? Somewhere President Samuel Adams is rolling over in his brewery.

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by Mick Zano • January 6, 2017

America is hooked on a feeling. A recent poll suggests more than 60% of our country is optimistic about a future under Trump. How do this many people get dropped on their head as children? I’m talking to you Child Protective Services. Wait, I’m being told they’ve disbanded in lieu of supportive Republican legislation. Stand Your Playground laws? Seriously, how long can this methane-based reality endure? Oh, that’s right, they’re gutting the EPA. Hmmm. What is it going to take to bring these people back from Narnia? The Lying Bitch In The War Room? Somewhere I can hear Bob Marley singing: don’t worry about a thing, ’cause every little thing is going to be alt-right. Am I the only one worried about the coming Trumpocalypse? Whereas it’s true no one is actually pissing in my Cheerios, it’s only because I’m stocking up on the Malt-O-Meal equivalent, Shitty Os or something.

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by Mick Zano • January 4, 2017

Tweet Tower—What is being called Trump’s security detail’s first major failure occurred earlier today. A civilian drone flew passed several slot machines, a cocktail waitress, and several Secret Service personnel, before becoming hopelessly lodged in Mr. Trump’s comb-over. The incident occurred in the casino area of the lobby. Mr. Trump is calling the attack “hair raising” and he plans to use an executive order to have the responsible person or persons flown to Las Vegas, tarred and feathered, and then dropped from the top of the Stratosphere Tower. Trump told the Discord, “I think that would be funny. They will lose a lot of feathers on the way down, so it will be bigly amusing.”

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by Mick Zano • January 2, 2017

Flagstaff,AZ—Spacebar,thefinalfrontier.OurspacebarhasbeenpermanentlydisabledbyRussianorTrumpianhackers.FYI:theyarethesamethingnow.Granted,itwillbedifficulttofunctionwithoutaspacebar,butwethediscordfeeltheshowmustgoon.CEOofTheDiscord,PierceWinslow,isinnegotiationswiththeincomingTrumpAdminsitrationtoresolvethecurrentfrictionbetweenthetwoentities.Mr.Winslowexplains,”Ifwecan’tgetanywherewiththesepeoplewemightstartusingcommasinsteadofspacesorthewordspace,bolded.(space)see?(space).It(space)could(space)work(space)in(space)a(space)pinch.(space).Thebig?is:willanyonehitreadmoretoday?

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by Mick Zano • January 1, 2017

There’s still no shortage of election blame, not to mention tons of players, factors and conspiracy theories abound. Who’s fault is it? We have fake news, real news, voter turnout, voter suppression, Comey, Putin, Bernie, Weiner, and even Weiner’s weiner played its part. The perfect reality show. In the end, what matters is this: a Trump presidency is unacceptable to those of us with a Clue. Colonel Mustard in the Pentagon with the Dementia? OK, how about Putin in the Observatory with the computer hacker? You say you want a revolution? Occupy virtual space? Our Constitution and our way of life are taking a shit, so why are we so preoccupied with civility? Let’s all stay calm, cool and collective until the next Civil War? Sounds reasonable. Let’s be clear, staying reasonable is the problem. Step one, the Civility War.

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by Mick Zano • December 28, 2016

Tweet Tower—President-elect Donald Trump, who is no way associated with President-elect Ass-Clown Hitler, has graciously allowed the Discord to continue publication. Mr. Trump did tweet some harsh words about The Discord’s recent handling of his smooth transition into the White House. He told the press earlier today, “Those assholes better step it up after my coronation, or else!“ Apparently, our first amendment rights are now contingent upon delivering fair and balanced fake news. CEO of the Discord, Pierce Winslow, has issued this statement, “Fine. Whatever. Please direct any and all lawsuits or drone strikes toward Zano. I can even provide his whereabouts for no extra charge.”

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