Washington—The republican healthcare plan designed to replace Obamacare remains in critical condition at this hour. Trump spent the last day before the crucial vote trying to woo conservative support by learning what the word ‘woo’ means. Many in the House Freedom Caucus are attacking the Trumpcare bill from the right. Congressman Aschlocke (R-AK) told the Discord today, “The American Health Care Act can not pass in its current form. It doesn’t do nearly enough to screw up this country’s healthcare system.” When asked what it would take for the Congressman to flip his vote from a no to a yes, he said, “Trumpcare has the word ‘care’ in it. Take that shit out for starters. Republicans are looking for a plan nothing short of repeal and disgrace. Comprende? Oh, and if anyone else uses the word comprende they will be deported.”
News & Politics
News & Politics
Official White House Tour Now Includes 17 Historical Items Likely Eavesdropping On President’s Thoughts
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—In an effort to cut both cost and interest, the White House tour is proud to announce a President Trump narrated audio tour. You can listen to our president go room by room and talk directly into your head about all the historical items that he believes can talk directly into his. The first historical item on the tour is the James Madison tea table, which Trump is convinced can not only read his thoughts, but has encouraged him to write and post slanderous tweets at two in the morning #libel.
Sesame Street’s Grover Detained After Attempting To Scale White House Fence
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—The Secret Service has foiled the fourth attempt to breach the White House grounds in so many weeks. This latest incident occurred Sunday afternoon and involved the well-known children’s icon, Grover, of Sesame Street fame. Grover was arrested near the south entrance of the White House donning a cape and a plastic knight’s helmet. White House spokesperson Sean Spicer told the press, “Grover was arrested while attempting to climb the fence armed with volatile educational materials, educational materials deemed helpful to children.” Grover’s friend and acting attorney, Big Bird, of Fozzie, Fozzie, Fozzie, Big Bird and Elmo, received a frantic call from Grover yesterday, “They are waterboarding me in the Lincoln room (glug, glug), thank Henson I don’t require air to survive! (glug, glug). Send Muppetnator back in time to kill Cheney (glug, glug, glug).”
During Joint Press Conference Trump Attempts To Reenact Obama’s Wiretapping Exploits
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—By all accounts President Trump’s joint press conference with the Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel, really sucked. Many in the press equate the event to watching a librarian look on helplessly as a pack of baboons ransack the silent reading area. For starters Trump refused to shake the Chancellor’s hand. He then explained, “There’s a secret ‘real’ world leader handshake, uh, you’re not a man, right?” Then Mrs. Merkel stood by silently as President Trump attempted to explain the particulars of the Obama Administration’s wiretapping escapades. “This is what that Kenyan bastard did to both of us!” said Trump, waving around a tin cup on a string. “Our surveillance equipment is more sophisticated than this, but even with these cans you can hear every word I am saying to you, right now. Who knows, they might even already have cans capable of translating Germanese directly into tweets. Wouldn’t that make leading the free world a hell of a lot easier? #universaltweetlater.”
Man Who Foresaw Trump Victory Now Predicts Werewolves Dominant Species By 2024
by Mick Zano •
Iowa—Jeb Turley of Podunk Falls has made a living off of his predictions, well, that and dumpster diving. Two years ago he predicted all pizza crust would come stuffed with cheese and early last year he announced Trump would become the 45th president of the United States. This year he has become obsessed with werewolves and believes they will replace mankind as the dominant species by 2024. Since 1963 Jeb has announced his prediction annually, and quite unsolicited, at a designated Podunk city council meeting. Until his Trump prediction, Jeb has never gotten a prediction right in his five decades of attempts, but now he feels like he’s “kind of on a roll.”
The Federal Reserve Has No Reserves And Is Not Even Federal! There’s No Gold In Them There Banks
by Pokey McDooris •
Zano’s recent reflections on our decade-plus debate showed some rare insights. What next, funny jokes? The causes of our nation’s polarization are many, but there’s more than meets the eye when it comes to our political divisions. I’ve recently come to the conclusion the ultra-powerful people in the world do prosper by keeping our nation divided. They do this by keeping us all focused on superficial controversies meant as a distraction from the deeper, more ominous issues threatening our sovereignty. I’ve come to believe there are international bankers who have infiltrated, compromised, and ultimately control both parties as well as every corner of the political landscape. Yes, I’m going to go a tad Rothschild/Illuminati here. Not too much, though, just a teaspoon PRN. But isn’t this the lesson from the 2004 presidential campaign? If you recall both John Kerry (D) and George W. Bush (R) had both been bum-fuck initiated into the same secret society, Skull and Bones, at Yale University. Doesn’t Skull and Bones imply piracy? Maybe there isn’t so much separating Democrats v Republicans, but the fallout does allow these international pirates to claim their booty and threaten our national sovereignty. Please don’t add a booty joke, Zano …I’m asking nicely.
Minus Facts, Civil Discourse Can No Longer Be Considered Civil Or Even Discourse
by Mick Zano •
Debating the merits of the Republican party is futile, because they don’t have any. Endlessly conveying to my blogvesary how discourse is dead has become Ray-Charles-at-a-shooting-range aimless. Polarization has led us to this place of irreconcilable political differences. To his credit, Pokey saw this coming too. Whereas he blames liberalism for creating an immoral societal malaise, I place the sad state of our union squarely at the doorstep of the GOP …hold the malaise? As for the media, my fear has always been that MSNBC would follow the money and become an alternate ideological echo-chamber. Fox left? This would then cause the impermeable GOP-bubble to spread libward. Whereas this is happening, my rebuttal to the Pokester remains: if your endgame was to elect a sociopathic ass-clown to the Oval Office, no one should care to review the particulars on how you reached that sad, royal turd of a conclusion. Crowning bereavement?
Ancient Skeletal Remains May Just Be Keith Richards
by Mick Zano •
Hallmark Channel Accidentally Airs All Seven Saw Movies
by Mick Zano •
Studio City, CA—The Hallmark Channel has released a statement apologizing for the airing all seven movies from the Saw franchise on prime time television last Sunday. The network would like to remind its viewers this was a single incident, or seven single incidents (if you want to get technical), but Hallmark wants to reassure its viewers that they plan to remain dedicated to producing really lame family-targeted entertainment. The company has also issued the statement, “The Saw movies do not reflect the principles or values of our network, and so-called torture porn is really not our thing. Honest. You can even check our search histories.”
New Process Converts Endangered Species Directly Into Diesel Fuel
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—The White House has unveiled a new process designed to increase the country’s reliance on fossil fuels. This technological breakthrough allows conservative-minded factions within the energy sector to both create more oil as well as eliminate all those namby pamby eco-friendly arguments currently protecting certain regions from overt resource raping (ORR). This new approach to oil production is set to easily pass both houses of Congress. Any Democrats who oppose the legislation may end up giving someone else some great gas mileage. Kidding, Congress is also doing away with gas mileage standards, or anything with the word ‘standards’ in it for that matter.