News & Politics
Tweet Tower—President Ass-Clown Hitler energized a group of Trump supporters today at a rally in Backwash, MS. The Donald performed a mime act his own tweets describe as epic, historic, and bigly mimely. He did an impersonation of ‘man trapped in White House’, ‘man juggling numerous lies’, and for his big finale he wowed the crowd with ‘man climbing away from stench of own comments.’
Houston, TX—Justin Russell of Bellaire remains trapped on a Whataburger rooftop since Hurricane Harvey savaged the Houston area last Friday. The man claims to be struggling with weight gain, lethargy, and excessive flatulence. He told the Discord, “Look, I’ve watched the film Supersize Me, so I know I don’t have a lot of time! I can feel my arteries hardening as we speak. I tried to catch some fish with a snelled onion ring and some Whatachick’n bites, but the Metro Houston fish still seem spooked. I am on the top of the Whataburger on 4th! The message on the roof says Send Whole Foods! You can’t miss it.”
Cameron, LA—Hurricane Harvey is back in the news today and stirring up trouble along the Gulf Coast of the United States. The state of Louisiana is attempting to reassure its residence the storm will be court-ordered to stay at least a 1,000 feet away from land. When asked about the return of the tropical depression, Cameron resident Pam Hearse said, “I don’t care if he is depressed, this is no way to act. Oh, and I hate it when a guy cries during a breakup. But this guy, holy shit?! We’re going to need an ark and two of every swamp critter.”
Tweet Tower—The President was all smiles today after reviewing some of the latest job report numbers. Since President Trump’s election tear gas manufacturing jobs have nearly tripled and the stock market is showing a solid bump in the demand for Kevlar, a high tensile-strength polymer designed to protect a militarized police-force from the growing hipster menace. The demand for police shields, batons, and other riot control gear has also spiked in a way not seen since the Great Vampire Culling of Jersey City. Donald Trump told the press, “The fake media won’t be covering this, but it’s great news for real American fascists. Great news! I’m not even going to mention how high Tiki Torch sales have skyrocketed in recent weeks, but it’s up bigly.” #Klu-Klux-Cha-Ching
Houston, TX—At the onset of Hurricane Harvey, Katrina-survivor and crazy person Jake “Jakey” Thompson drove his refurbished school bus all the way from his home in New Orleans’ Lower Ninth Ward to a heavily flooded area of downtown Houston. Upon arriving in the metro area, Thompson careened wildly through some flooded streets before attempting what witnesses are calling a ‘wet bus doughnut.’ Eventually the bus stalled in several feet of water, in a handicap zone. Emergency personnel were able to rescue Mr. Thompson, but upon hearing of his adventure, in painstaking detail, they resolved to drop him back off on the roof of his bus with some bottled water and a half-eaten granola bar.
Tweet Tower—Members of President Trump’s White House are not enjoying themselves and this is becoming even more apparent when it’s their turn on the old chopping block. Whether staffers leave voluntarily or are forced out, parting Team Trump is such sweet sorrow …well, except the sweet part. This is why Chief of Staff General John Kelly was determined to make leaving the premises quicker and more enjoyable for all involved. He opted to install a zipline that spans 1,287 feet and leads from the Truman Balcony all the way to an open sewer grate on 17th Street.
Many have asked, why do Republicans consistently vote against their own interests? CNN’s Fareed Zakaria just did a special on Why Trump Won, yet he only made a passing reference to the real culprit, namely, our tailored and targeted media. In 2017 the rightwing ‘Bubble’ can now subsist on little to no factual sustenance whatsoever. It’s like when marine biologists first discovered colonies of sea life leaching off volcanic vents, far away from the light. Thermal rants? Instead of seeking the consensus in a given field of knowledge, our conservative friends seem content to forever find that one rogue professional who supports their crapola. You know, that one dentist in ten who thinks brushing your teeth is bad for oral hygiene. Book that guy on Hannity and then watch the ensuing Breitfart headline: Pro-Cavity Dentist Destroys Lib Dental Hygienist!
Tweet Tower—A small gathering assembled outside the White House today to say farewell to Steve Bannon, the president’s chief-misogynist. Mr. Bannon used the executive sewer system, created by former Vice President Dick Cheney, to return to his subterranean headquarters at Breitbart.com. Upon his departure, Bannon told the Discord, “I realize the White House has 35 bathrooms, but where I’m from you can piss wherever you want. And you can’t put a dollar sign on that, unless you spray paint one on the wall. Or you can always throw up a swastika or two, or just throw up. Heck, whatever you want to do down here in the sewer is alt-right with me, hah! Whatever happens in the sewer stays in the sewer. No one will ever know, well, besides the rest of Trump’s cabinet, who should be joining me shortly.”
Vinny the virtual Shark starred in last month’s Shark Week along with Olympian Michael Phelps. Vinny agreed to an exclusive Discord interview to express his frustration with the controversy surrounding his appearance. Many viewers were upset the race was not, as billed, between Michael Phelps and a real shark. In a voice not unlike Stephen Hawking, Vinny said, “Why would people think a non-virtual shark would swim in a straight line to race a human, while ignoring said food source? I know you’re not marine biologists, but you’re not morons either …or are you?”
