News & Politics

Stranded Suez Freighter Overloaded With All Those Returned Oxford, Commas

by Mick Zano • March 29, 2021

Egypt—Now that the stranded container ship blocking the Suez canal has finally been freed, more disturbing details of the ship’s contents are surfacing. The freighter carried an unusually large number of returned Oxford commas. Whether or not this contributed to the disaster remains unclear. One chief editor said, “After the commas weren’t being used as much, well, the extra ones started stacking up a bit.” The controversy started when several grammar experts, perhaps most notably the AP-stylebook, encouraged a change in usage by suggesting the removal of the comma right before the last item of any list. The decision has since given many scholars pause.

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by Mick Zano • March 21, 2021

The Big Mouth Apple—An old secretary, Lee Holloway, has surfaced from the 80s to defend Andrew Cuomo’s character at his darkest hour. The staffer insists Cuomo always struck the right balance, repeatedly, through a combination of discipline and humiliation. An infamous Swiss doctor, who wished to remain anonymous, added, “You should never Franken anything, especially if it’s already dead. I have some experience with this and, I can tell you, it’s a slippery slope to being forced to create a bride for the bloody thing, or ending up in a burning windmill, castle, or some such, or whatever happened at the end of that Aaron Eckhart schitznik ….talk about stitched together.”

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by Mick Zano • March 14, 2021

Enters the much-anticipated Democratic victory lap! The mighty stimulus has arrived thus slaying the austerity dragon. So let’s all do the libby jig, which, like dancing with the rest of the Riffraff, is just a Trump to the left. Covid slew Goliath, republicanism is in its death throes and ding dong the Mitch is finally dead, or at least dead-ish. We even have a new commander in chief calling his good friends across the aisle neanderthals. It’s a brand new day, a place where insight is once again valued and Trumpism has been relegated to the dustbin of Hannity. We can all breathe a sigh of relief at the now reopened pubs, right? Sadly, this is more wishful thinking from our intellgiencier, courtesy of those ivory towers of crapademia. Speaking of neanderthals, if someone could just drag Marjorie Taylor Greene back to her cave that would be great. Don’t judge me for that, after all, it’s common Pleistocene behavior. Fine, just tear up a Captain Caveman comic strip somewhere and get it out of your system. Fucking liberals. I know Trump is declaring war on all RINOS and he’s splitting the donations between the GOP and his legal GoFundMe page, but the bottom line is this: the republican party will climb back into its neococoon and will undergo a profound and radical transformation only to emerge once again as something …well, even more radical.

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by Mick Zano • March 6, 2021

In true bipartisan fashion, President Biden has decided to fulfill at least one QAnon inspired prediction by opening a liberal run, child-sex-trafficking operation out of the basement of Pop’s Pizza in Clifton, NJ. The president hopes this political laurel-leaf will help republicans accept a wildly progressive agenda, not the least of which involves AOC just printing money willy nilly and handing it out to those most undeserving among us. Biden told reporters, “I want to extend universal healthcare to the whole universe, all on the backs of the American entrepreneur. I want it to include illegal aliens, those reptilians, the greys, and those green women Captain Kirk kept banging. Then I’m going to build solar panels on top of wind farms. And I will fund these green monstrosities by taxing the shit out of anyone not driving a Prius or a Tesla. Nuclear facilities will be turned into mall-sized dispensaries, and coal plants will be fumigated and converted into safe spaces for our LGBT communities. Then I’m going to shove Exxon so far up Shell’s ass they will both be thankful they’re petroleum producing companies. Then next week shit’s gonna get progressive.”

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by Mick Zano • March 1, 2021

Does your neighbor drive a gas-guzzling truck? Do they wear red hats? Do they suspiciously disappear for a couple of hours on Sunday mornings? Do they tend to switch from CNN to Fox News when left unsupervised? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, you may be living next to a Proud Boy or, worse, a republican sympathizer! Wake up, real left-America, and ask yourself were your neighbors really just fishing on January 6th? Please report any potentially conservative activity to your local Safe Space Hall Monitor.

Tongue in cheek or not, we’ve all contemplated purging the MAGA-ranks with some Thanoesque snap of the finger or my Zanoesque equivalent where you just have to market it as the rapture. Two for one, today only! All souls final!

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by Mick Zano • February 19, 2021

Now that this dark chapter of our country has officially ended, or more accurately begun in earnest, it should be crystal clear how the GOP has created an alternate universe, a place to act out their more basal impulses in the guise of freedom. True to form they continue to contribute nothing, predict nothing, provide excuses for everything and obstruct the rest. More pathetic still is how, when cornered, they either cling to their factoids or flee to their patented all politicians are the problem stance. Biden and his semi-supermajority do represent a different and welcome political chapter, but having so many Americans entrenched in a sociopathic mindset is daunting. As their disorder of choice has blossomed, I warned how it would eventually endanger our republic. Rush Limbaugh’s contributions have not gone unnoticed in this dystopic endeavor and, as for his passing, let’s just say prehensile pundits everywhere have dropped a collective diastolic point today. I still can’t fathom the sheer number of citizens willing to take a stab at psychopathy. Whereas the DSM-V quantifies the anti-social prevalence at about one percent of the population, the GOP represents an astounding thirty-five. So what gives? New studies may add some insights to the terminally insightless.

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by Mick Zano • February 16, 2021

Cedar Rapids, IA—Earlier today, Iowian native Betty Flood was ‘accidentally’ the recipient of 1.5 million doses of the Pfizer COVID vaccination. While some are calling this injecticide “politically motivated,” others believe this was an attempt by the Biden Administration to appear COVID-competent as they grapple with the logistics of this massive nationwide rollout. An eyewitness claims Mrs. Flood became concerned something was wrong during her five thousandth and twenty-first injection, at which time she was reminded by staff that she was “doing a great thing for America.” One nurse even said not to worry, because “the first million shots were covered under Obamacare.” Shortly before opting out of her health plan and then her life, she told the charge nurse, “Sorry to be a bother, but I was really holding out for Moderna.”

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by Mick Zano • February 1, 2021

In the interest of combating online and ongoing fake news when posting on social media I started labeling all of my work either ‘opinion’ or ‘satire’. And I am suggesting my friend similarly labels his posts: Factoids Damaging To The Public Discourse. For the latest example, my friend offered his Facebook wisdom entitled: LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT but, as most of you are aware, republicans are simply not capable of getting anything straight. They do get louder and wronger and then resort to all caps, which must be part of the ideologically-dying-process. Face it, ‘straight’ is not their forte. Were any of them handed something straight, they’d immediately jump in a centrifuge and drive Plastic Man to a gay bar in South Bend. Stick with your strengths, Poke, which today is more of a crookedy, pretzely chaos-spiral-like-thing. I almost hate to tell him that the four best ‘points’ he’s made during the pandemic can be categorized as a presidential crime, a lie, an impeachable offense, and a seditious act. Who’s going to tell him? Let’s just drop this post in the cue with a scheduled date, and back away slowly…

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by Mick Zano • January 26, 2021

Today, the Land of Social Media Censorship—which is also the worst theme park ever—has taken a turn for the worse. President Trump’s recent ban from Twitter on the way out has birther’d a slew of social media rules of engagement, or at least a new emphasis on enforcing terms and conditions of use. As a result, a friend of mine is serving a 12-day Twitter jail sentence, while still another was relegated to 30-day stint behind enemy lines in fascist-controlled Zuckerberg. Both incidents were rather tame, unless schadenfreude is now a crime. My friend Dan’s comment involved wishing Mike Pence an untimely demise, not sure of the exact details, but Dan does tend to get rather colorful with his comments. It’s Okay, he’s British. To quote Douglas Adams, he’s mostly harmless. Meanwhile, another acquaintance abused social media by hoping Ted Cruz’s recent seditious antics landed him in some Texas jail in which, as karma would dictate, he’d eventually be “raped by a cactus.” Now I understand about specific threats, but I am not sure this is what anyone would consider actionable intelligence. Granted, there are a lot of indigenous cacti in the region in question, but then his intentions would need to be somehow relayed to a plant in the succulent family, who would then agree to carry out this heinous act. [The following ‘prison succulent’ joke was removed by WordPress.] In other words, there’s a very low percentage of pulling this off. Granted, if someone ever managed, Ted would be doing some pulling off of his own. On a side note, if he loses his job in the Senate, it would be a real shame if he wouldn’t qualify for Obamacare.

[‘Thornographic’ joke deemed insensitive to desert flora.]

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by Mick Zano • January 22, 2021

Donaldtown, GY—Mark your calendars, folks, because next November former president Donald J. Trump will be taking his whole basket of deplorables on a magical mystery rally for even more bigly winning! Cult-45 is cordially inviting all of his key peeps to join him at a newly established city of gold, deep in the jungles of South America. The president is believed to have built something he calls a ‘metopia,’ because, as he told his new legal defense team, “There’s no you in you-topia.” He also added, “We have all the merch! MAGA hats, MAGA shirts, MAGA buttons, and all at MAGA discounts!!” When asked to clarify, he said, “Oh, yeah we changed my slogan to Make America Guyana Again. I’ve been trying to get the locals to start hauling blocks to build my Trumple, but so far they’re refusing to drink the—well, you know.”

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