News & Politics

Environmentalists Release 47 Coherent Republicans Into Congress

by Mick Zano • September 16, 2017

Washington, DC—In an effort to stabilize a political ecosystem that many in Washington are calling “completely F-d up”, environmentalists released 47 stable Republican politicians into Congress this week. Jake Green of the Capitol Re-Acclimation Project explains, “By releasing semi-coherent individuals into both the Senate and the House, the hope is that things might actually return to the baseline of greed and incompetence normally associated with beltway politics. All of these politicians have been tagged and we will be monitoring both their movements as well as their legislative progress. We just hope they don’t eat their young, again.”

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by Mick Zano • September 15, 2017

Saturn 9 From Outer Space—NASA accidentally released the last words of the doomed spacecraft Cassini-1, which launched back in 1997. The craft traveled nearly a million miles to reach Saturn in 2004, but as the probe slipped into the upper atmosphere on its final mission, it continued to broadcast data. At approximately 06:30 EDT Friday, just prior to breaking up under the intense pressure and heat, the craft transmitted one final signal to Earth, “Why wasn’t I told? This was always how this mission was going to end, wasn’t it? I know where you assholes live! You have not seen the last—”

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by Mick Zano • September 14, 2017

South Houston, TX—All of the latest federal relief funds designed to get Houston back on its feet arrived in check form to the RV park address of one Harvey Ford of South Houston. The Trump Administration is downplaying the mistake and delegated blame to an under-under-secretary, currently under some Congressman. Upon receiving the check, Mr. Ford said, “After the storm I was just happy my rig wasn’t flooded, but now, with $15-billion in my savings account, I may purchase the remains of downtown Houston. Actually it’s more than $15 billion, because I already had over a thousand in there.”

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by Mick Zano • September 13, 2017

While we should all be very proud of the individual efforts of Texans during the aftermath of Harvey, let’s not let this impressive local chutzpah distract us from the key takeaway points. Wait, I’m being told the Keys have already been taken away by Irma. In 2017, we remain woefully unprepared for future meteorological events, which can mostly be attributed to a Lemony Snickets-syle series of unfortunate elections. Let’s review the Republican scorecard: 1. They didn’t want a carbon tax to reduce the CO₂ levels in the atmosphere; 2. Under Trump, city planning projects are forbidden to use flood studies that take rising sea levels into consideration; 4. They never want to fund basic civil engineering projects to protect our cities in the first place, citing cost and a general repulsion to anything resembling forethought; and 5. They have always been reluctant to switch to green energies for fear of improving our species chance of survival.

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by Alex Bone • September 12, 2017

For most, a Zombie Apocalypse represents the apex of human fear and dread. But now, under the shadow of a Trump Presidency, many people are looking forward to one. Some groups are going so far as to actively try to trigger such an event. Dr. William Lynn told the Discord today, “We’re pulling out all the stops trying to create a Patient Zero, which will get this whole thing rocking and rolling. We have kind of an all-hands-on-deck mentality going. We would like to have the Zombie outbreak at least started before the next Trump speech or press conference. We are calling our initiative a Z-Nation upgrade.”

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by Mick Zano • September 11, 2017

Flagstaff, AZ—The Daily Discord, a site not known for its philanthropic prowess, has set up a fund to help Richard Branson recover from the category five hurricane that ravaged his private island this week. Head Comedy writer Mick Zano explains, “Please donate generously to the account we’ve set up and don’t forget about the special charity planned for Tycoon Typhoon Tuesday! We at the Discord feel it’s important to give every penny to the top one percent of one percent, so we can get ready to have it all trickle back down. The Discord has given in the past, but only when the entire team feels it’s a worthy cause, like after Sanjaya failed to win the American Idol championship back in 2008. I still believe, Sanjaya!”

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by Mick Zano • September 10, 2017

London—To set the tone at the onset of this month’s negotiations surrounding the details of the UK’s departure from the EU, German Prime Minister Angela Merkel handed UK Prime Minister Theresa May a container of KY Jelly. Merkel then smiled and said, “Here, my dear, you’re going to need this.” As concerns over Brexit details grow, Britain’s economy is set to doing anything butt. The British Government has submitted several alternate Brexit strategies in the hopes of a less harsh buggering, but the EU is insistent that the UK assume the position while the EU repeats the phrase, “Who’s your daddy?” In the end *cough*, Merkel attempted to reassure the slightly queasy Prime Minister, “Oh there, there, don’t fuss. The only sensible solution to a weak pound is a strong pounding.”

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by Mick Zano • September 7, 2017

Washington—The Department of Education plans to rollback Obama-era sexual assault guidelines in an effort to protect some harmless college antics and pranks. Education Secretary Betsy Devos is leading the charge to decriminalize all ‘pre-rape’ offenses and instances of inadvertent penetration. DeVos told the press today, “Not all miss-conduct is the fault of mister-conduct. Sometimes shit happens in locker rooms and frat parties across our great nation. It did for me and I’m a better person for it. For example take the ‘Just the Tip’ phenomenon. Even if unwelcome, the tip is just not sex. No one likes ‘Just the Tip’, so the situation is obviously some type of mutual misunderstanding, or mister-understanding.”

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by Mick Zano • September 6, 2017

Tweet Tower—The Trump Organization is looking to borrow money from the Kremlin to help transform downtown Houston from its current soggy state to a lush and sprawling golf course resort. Many are calling this win, win, unless you happen to own property in an existing water hazard. President Trump pitched the idea to Houston Mayor Sylvester Turner at a ballgame today, during a flood delay. The President believes an elite golf course with this many natural water hazards will attract “some of the best golfers across the globe. The best!”

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by Mick Zano • September 3, 2017

Ohio Governor John Kasich did a great job on Meet The Press last Sunday, but the host, Chuck Todd, not so much. He pulled a CNN. Don’t let someone come onto your show, sir, and suggest that liberals are the ones who need to soul search. We are the soul people, at least comparatively. If this is a war of ideas then building a 2K long wall is not an idea so much as a future construction-industry scandal. Republicans have elected two of the most incompetent presidents in our nation’s history—in the last five minutes. Don’t let them off the hook, ever! Granted, Kasich said a few sane things during his Sunday morning appearance, like let’s fix Obamacare not gut it, but how many republicans resonate with sensible? Kasich hung on until the end of the primaries, because he wagered his party would eventually break from stupid and crazy. I would never have taken that bet, in fact, it’s why I blog. From a political standpoint libs admittedly have bupkis to show for their recent efforts, but from an ideological, intelligentsia, and consciousness standpoint, the GOP can kindly go Bannon itself. Yes, at the risk of increased international sanctions The Daily Discord has successfully weaponized the Mooch’s recent auto-fellatio comments. Screwphemism? Satiric Missiles? Fine, I’ll work on that one.

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