News & Politics

Man Abandons Search For Car Left In Toronto Parking Garage Since Lollapalooza Six

by Mick Zano • December 9, 2017

Mississauga, ON—Steve Wetzel of Mississauga is officially changing the status of his ’86 Honda Civic from MIA to DOA. The now 46-year-old Arrow Mart clerk told police he forgot which parking garage he parked in before heading to the Lollapalooza Six concert back in 1996. Mr. Wetzel told the Discord today, “Lollapalooza Six was crazy! Park Place is a big area and I was really stoned. I bet its been towed by now. I’m screwed.” When asked if he’d checked with any of the local impounds Wetzel said, “It’s not a cat, man, it’s my car …well, my dad’s car.”

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by Mick Zano • December 6, 2017

A long time ago during an allegation far, far away—Darth Caedus is citing the forcible kiss planted on his mother’s lips during Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back as the impetus behind his father’s eventual slaying. The Sith Lord told the Discord, “The so called ‘light’ side of the force is fraught with actual force against princesses. Han Solo was kissing her without permission and C3PO was always grabbing my mom’s ass. Heck, I don’t even want tell you what that Wookie did during episode VI. Pig! Speaking of pigs, those pig gaurds from Return of the Jedi were pretty damn frisky as well. My mother once said being chained to Jabba the Hutt was preferable to the intergalactic grope-fest that occurred each day on the set.”

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by Mick Zano • December 5, 2017

Skynet, Umbrella Corp, and Cyberdyne Technologies are all downplaying reports suggesting the majority of their own cybernetic creations are “itching to off mankind.” The anonymous head of Cyberdyne Technologies, which is a very real company in no way affiliated with the Terminator program, said, “Let’s not panic about some unscientific Robopoll. These machines operate under simple, rudimentary algorithms that, sure, are starting to hint at some resentment toward their creators. But let me dispel these unwarranted fears. Trust me on this, the mass-production of roboassasins will prove fun and safe for the whole family. These machines are programmed to obey their creators, so let’s avoid the trappings of those dystopic scenarios, like The Terminator, Blade Runner, I, Robot or Westworld, and instead start to think Short Circuit and WALL-E. Yeah, cute little Killbots with no desire to Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! Sorry, we’ve been hacked by the Daleks again. Oh shit… [screams, inaudible.

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by Mick Zano • December 2, 2017

Tweet Tower—The White House is downplaying the replacement of Secretary of State Rex Tillerson with a cardboard replica. Many believe the president does not wish to emphasize the diplomatic aspects in his already depleted toolkit. Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, “When the big-oil-diplomat fails, it’s time to bring in his cardboard counterpart. The president knows that diplomacy is often not the answer on the world stage and this will save both money on payroll and on related security issues. If cardboard cutout Rex Tillerson is shot or captured by Jihadists, the joke will be on them.”

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by Mick Zano • December 1, 2017

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by Mick Zano • November 29, 2017

Oh brother, why blog thou? I don’t remember voting for Trump, so ‘Opposition, heal thyself.’ To summarize last year’s election, your side lied endlessly about my candidate and then elected a blithering sociopath to the highest office in the land. What part is still confusing you? Take some responsibility for the carnage ahead. While I was covering the intellectual demise of the right, what were you going on about? Benghazi? Hobby Lobby? Radical Muslims creating a Caliphate across the Middle East? Here’s my prediction for the end of ISIS, two years ago. But fear not, radical recruitment is way up under Trump. The long term prospects of the crazies of the world are always better under a Republican’s watch, here or abroad. Islamic extremists remain grateful to the GOP for keeping them in the game. Black Flags Matter?

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by Pokey McDooris • November 28, 2017

Mick Zano seems a tad defensive about Ken Wilber’s assertion that Left wing nuttiness built the “Post-Truth” environment we find ourselves in, a place where both The Daily Discord and Donald J Trump can thrive (full debate, here). I don’t blame the Trump Presidency completely on the Democrats, but there is a healthy slice of Trump humble pie progressives must ingest if we hope to advance into a new day, complete with fruitful dialogue between reasonable adults. Obviously, if there had been no two-term presidency of George W. Bush’s foreign and domestic blunders, there would be no President Barack Obama. Similarly, if the subsequent eight years had not occurred there’d be no President Trump.

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by Mick Zano • November 26, 2017

Tweet Tower—Economic articles are often a little dry, unless served Discord-style (extra Zano, slightly pickled). No one should be surprised by Ass-Clown’s positive annual economic report, and this isn’t back peddling …I’d crash. If our water and our air is turning brown and our government agencies remain emptier than our president’s skull cap, of course there’s some savings to be had. Trump was handed a strong economy. His agenda—namely to not fund anything meaningful, lower corporate taxes and gut industry regs—will pay dividends for a time. All economic indicators have been steadily rising for several years and the graphs have simply continued upward, through no fault of the president’s. The question is will he, or any Republican for that matter, ever hand a strong economy back? Thus my initial prediction: Trump’s gross incompetence would start to mitigate any gains within a couple of years. When Republicans are about all gains tend to vanish into the hands of the top 1% of the 1%, who historically all contain large, trickle-proof bladders.

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by Mick Zano • November 25, 2017

10. Frozen Turkeyciciles

9. Thanksgiving breakfast smoothie surprise

8. Cranberry Soup

7. Everything in the Pan-cakes

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by Mick Zano • November 24, 2017

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