News & Politics

Palm Before The Stormy? Upon Growing Tired Of “Tugging The Little Tyrant” Trump Dialed Daniels

by Mick Zano • March 21, 2018

Tweet Tower—Rumors of the president’s rocky marriage are starting to surface as Stormy Daniels’ lawyer reveals more details of the palace intrigue. President Trump recently made the joke, “Who’s leaving the White House next? Steve Miller or Melania?” Trump told the Discord today, “Masturbating to Fox News was really getting old, especially since Megyn Kelly left. Come back to me, Megyn! I might even apologize, or at least make someone do it for me. Melania rarely stays in the same time zone as me anymore so, yeah, I called in some favors. Any port in a stormy, right?”

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by Mick Zano • March 19, 2018

Moscow—Vladimir Putin has thwarted defeat yet again in the 2018 Russian presidential race. In the end he received 137% of the votes, making this election his third best showing of all time. Election day polls suggested the incumbent was slipping to 115% of the vote and some polls even showed Putin with an anemic 102% approval rating. Many blame this electoral ebb on his decision to poison a father & daughter in the UK, “So close to election day.” In a gracious acceptance speech that occurred to the backdrop of the execution of his political rivals, Putin promised to vanquish Russia’s enemies and poison its frenemies. Despite the well received message many Russian citizens are still questioning his choice of campaign slogan: Nerve Agents Take Noive!

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by Mick Zano • March 17, 2018

Republicans want us to believe they’re the common sense people, and that they alone know how the ‘real world’ works. They then proceed to elect the two most incurious presidents in our nation’s history, consecutively. Doesn’t Occam’s razor suggest something different? My blogvesary, Pokey, doesn’t think so, and he also feels I haven’t offered enough historical context for my arguments. Conservatives apparently need a genre-specific landscape painted for them. Nopointillism? Why would anyone need more brush strokes in the USA today? Perhaps my friend thinks Trump is God’s instrument. Yeah, well one man’s instrument is another man’s tool. In lieu of addressing the political challenge of our time, namely his choice for president, he continues to attempt to reanimate a series of zombie scandals. As for the actual bona fide scandals of today, to quote my friend Ling Carter, “If you can’t connect these dots, we’re going to need to order some larger dots.”

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by Mick Zano • March 16, 2018

Lancaster, PA—Shortly after SpaceX announced its intention to head for the red planet next year, the CEO of the company, Elon Musk, inadvertently revealed his Amish heritage. It all started when friend and fellow space pioneer, Richard Branson, invited Musk to his private island, but he declined the offer, saying, “I have to go back home this weekend to help my friends build a barn.” Later that week, this image surfaced showing a bearded Musk, engaging in decidedly Amish activities.

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by Mick Zano • March 11, 2018

After another vigorous yet inconclusive volley with my old blogvesary, I realized what a long, strange blogging trip it’s been. I disapprove of what you say, my friend, but I will defend to the death your right to blog it …well, after I take out the stupid parts and add some jokes. Ha! Republicans invariably think liberals are ignoring the facts, when in reality facts are simply not their thing. Nothing Hannity or Limbaugh covered last night was even mentioned by the lamestream media! Amen. It’s exhausting trying to keep up with each accusation that arrives at the speed of right. Fast & Spurious? Uranium None?

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by Mick Zano • March 8, 2018

The Russians are helping! The Russians are helping! The Daily Discord is pleased to announce a prominent Web Traffic Analyzer from Moscow, John Smith, plans to help our website receive more traffic by expanding our social media presence and improving our Google ranking. And, since they are such big fans, they’re offering an extended free trial for their services until November 6th, 2018. Wow! What a deal! All we have to do in return is share one daily post on all of our social media platforms. It’s awesome! They even write this daily post for us. They explained the key is in improving SEO ranking through relevant key word searches. Here’s one of the templates, designed specifically for this website, to help us on our way to Pay per Click advertising: Hi, We at ________ think the Democratic candidate is really bad for America. He/She will bring about the end of America. Very bad. And he/she will take your guns! I know him/her personally and they are like that. Please save America and your guns! Спасибо.

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by Mick Zano • March 7, 2018

Washington, DC—Jared Kushner, the president’s senior son-in-law, is believed to have obtained double O something-or-another security status. The White House is denying his clearance has even been downgraded. Mr. Kushner told the press today, “My level changed is all, so my clearance could be higher, or lower. It’s on a need-to-know basis and you don’t need to know. My security may have shifted to ‘Ultra’, ‘Platinum Secret’ or maybe even ‘Unleaded’. But if I told you I would have to kill you. There’s your only hint about my clearance level. Yeah, bitches, that’s what I’m talking about …or, in this case, not talking about.”

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by Mick Zano • March 5, 2018

The Frozen North—At the edge of the permafrost region of the Alaskan Arctic Circle-K, just north of the Home Depot, a group of intrepid explorers have discovered the best preserved remains of the elusive Snuffleupagus. Expedition head Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Gastropub, told reporters, “This discovery changes everything we know about early Pleistocene Muppets. For one thing, it looks like they could fly short distances and, apparently, they liked to hang out deep inside of glaciers. It also means I never should have prescribed all those injectable anti-psychotics for his friend Big Bird. Oh well, live and learn.” Dr. Hogbein was later found in downtown Anchorage asking locals, “Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? No, really. It’s for science.”

Today’s Zyprexa injection was brought to you by the letter Z.

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by Mick Zano • March 4, 2018

This week’s fascism watch is rather extreme, even by normal Republican ‘standards’. Eighteen states, primarily of the Freedom Circus variety, are pushing a bill that undermines peaceful assembly. Yep, you heard rights, folks …as they vanish. If anything turns ugly during a protest, the organizers—not the Nazi, hooligan Trump-lovin’ instigators—but the organizers are more likely to face steeper fines and charges. And running over protestors is now encouraged, well, as long as they’re libs. Safe Space 2000? Sheriff Joe for President: ‘Carcerations R’ In! If this schitznik passes, our torch wielding, white supremacist friends can crash our parties with more free wheeling, wanton abandon. Gee, why are they trying to tamp down peaceful protests during the Age of Ass-Clown? Hmmm. Reminds me of that old SNL bit: Bad Idea Jeans. Fox & Friends have managed to avoid covering the deconstruction of our republic through the act of asking endless irrelevant questions about unrelated topics. Let’s award some partial credit as they’re helping to create an oligarchy without even knowing what the word means. Multi-asking? So where are their constitutionalists now? Silence of the Lames?

*SpongeBob Square-State joke removed by the editor.

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by Mick Zano • March 2, 2018

Hollywood, CA—In a decision to help put Hollywood out of its misery, Faye Dunaway and Warren Betty are back on the stage for the 2018 Oscars …or maybe the Emmys, who knows? Whatever’s on the card. Only an estimated 17 people of the original 3,000+ will be in attendance on March 4th for the 90th annual Academy Awards, as the remainder have seen their #MeToo shadow and scurried back to their burrows for six more weeks of Twitter.

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