News & Politics

Students Beat See Through Backpack Rule With 3D-Printed See Through Guns

by Mick Zano • April 4, 2018

Kissimmee, FL—Armed teachers, armed security guards and see-through backpacks are all on the menu for the state of Florida as administrators wrestle with the challenges of keeping children safe at school. Students are fighting back as they are concerned the balance of power has been unnecessarily stacked against them. Head of the Student Council, Brad Perkins, said, “History is fraught with imbalances of power that trigger a justifiable response. Sorry about the use of the word ‘trigger’; it was a cheap shot. Anyway, we want to be ready for any and all contingencies: crazy guards, strict teachers, radicals, lone gunman, bullies, alt-right types or Methodists.”

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • April 3, 2018

Tweet Tower—President Trump announced the firing of Vincent “Vinny” Gagootz and Frankie “Knuckles” Marinelli shorty after the Washington Examiner broke the story of the discovery of a body in the Tidal Basin of the nation’s capital. President Trump is calling any connection between the pugnacious pair and the body that washed ashore during the Cherry Blossom Festival early Saturday as “Fake News.” The president told the press today, “These are not the guys who hide the bodies…obviously. We are going to miss Vinny and Knuckles around here. They’re good thugs, the best thugs. I don’t think this face *cough* I mean, this place is going to be the same without them.”

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • April 1, 2018

Pyongyang, NK—A recent North Korean defector, Ji Sung, suggested all of his country’s microphones are hooked up to “the same crappy-assed karaoke machine.” The defector was able to successfully cross the DMZ between North and South Koreas last month and met yesterday with a prominent Seoul journalist. During the interview Sung said, “After each press conference Kim Jong Un dimmed the lights and then sung either Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline or Queen’s Fat Bottomed Girls. And, wow, our glorious leader is a lousy singer. But we all had to clap and raise our lighters, under pain of death. I won’t miss that shit.”

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • March 29, 2018

Palm Beach, FL—President Donald Trump is reportedly “furious” with the news of the current trajectory of the Chinese space station, the Tiangong-1. Current data from both the China National Space Administration and NASA estimates the decaying orbit of the doomed space lab will end on April 1st directly over Trump’s prized resort, Mar-a-Lago. The Chinese government is maintaining their story that this is an “uncontrolled re-entry” and later added the word, “Oopsies”.

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • March 28, 2018

Kemerovo, RU—Despite instructions written clearly on an index card in ALL CAPS, President Donald Trump congratulated President Putin today for the Winter Cherry Mall fire that claimed 64 Russian lives. The mall fire, which equates to a series of errors including the disabling of the public announcement system and a number of blocked emergency exit, is currently a national disgrace. Present and former diplomats alike were aghast at Trump’s comments and are calling them “insensitive” and “really dumb.”

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • March 26, 2018

Rusty Acres—Shortly before medication time, National Security Adviser John Bolton was found outside of his nursing home, walking in circles and babbling to himself incoherently. The manager of the group home said, “This isn’t uncommon for John. He sometimes says he’s just trying to get the United Nations to ‘stir some shit up’. We usually just direct him back to his room where he can get back to sticking pins in his ‘towel head’ doll collection.”

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • March 25, 2018

Today’s GOP is defined by a powerful presentism. Its members are locked in a 24-hour news cycle of their own creation, which allows them the freedom to ignore their own shortsightedness. Talk about the elephant in the room. My blogvesary is a freedom guy, who just happens to blindly back a populist-tyrant. How the hell does that happen? How do you ignore our own country’s descent into a rogue state? Hell, Nazism rose as a direct result of the botched Treaty of Versailles, so what’s your excuse, my friend? Did someone try to provide you with healthcare? Awwwe, poor fella’. Republicans are like a Monkee with a gun. Last Train To Auschwitz? Zenwrongness in today’s rightwing politics marks their almost Bodhisattva-like ability to remain fixated on the wrong thing. It’s like meditating backwards, so your mind becomes noisier, more cluttered, and less disciplined. Blindfulness training? Let’s all go into the Rose Garden and focus on the sound of one of Hillary’s emails being deleted.

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • March 24, 2018

Seattle, WA—Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos left his robotic dog off its leash during its morning walk to do its bushiness, which he claims involves balancing the Amazon budget, when suddenly the mutt darted into traffic. The act caused a driverless Uber to hit one of his Amazon’s delivery drones carrying a shipment of handless handsets. You can’t make this shit up, folks, well I did, but you probably can’t is my point.

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • March 23, 2018

Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump just signed the largest spending bill in the History of the World: Part 1. Yes, the entire $1.3 trillion budget is going directly to the Mel Brooks Institute and Grille. The president is hoping some of the money can go to removing the E from Grill. “There should be no E in Grill,” said Trump. “There is a hooker in my grill, again, but there’s still no E. Oh, and that bitch had it coming. If I just spent 1.3 zillion dollars, someone should be able to clean the hooker parts from my friggin’ grille. Someone said the E is silent, but I shouldn’t have to pay for that or for any carnage on the hood, or even planned parenthood. At least take the Es out. Speaking of not even there, can someone do something about the grill gore, for god’s sake.”

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • March 22, 2018

Tweet Tower—The outgoing Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson, is insisting there are untapped fossil fuels in the swamps of the White House’s south lawn. Mr. Tillerson told reporters, “What happens when you bury a ton of journalists and a bunch of staffers who knew too much under the same plot of land? Oil, that’s what happens. Its production is accelerated when its compressed under so much bullshit. I intend to harness those untapped reservoirs through conventional, fracking, and off-swamp drilling procedures. Oil, it’s what’s for breakfast.”

READ MORE ->