News & Politics

Calling A Muellerigan? Barr To Release Special Counsel Report In April But Won’t Specify Year

by Mick Zano • March 31, 2019

In a legal loophole wrapped in a statutorial technicality, Attorney General William Barr is only compelled to name the month he intends to release the full Mueller Report, not the year. The year will remain redacted until *cough*, the year. This wouldn’t surprise me as he’s probably already in some reputational hot water after his recent summary, non-summary snap judgment, aka, an obvious effort to exonerate a sitting ass-clown. When I first heard about William It’s-not-illegal-if-a-president-does-it Barr, aka the Iran-Contra coverup guy, I immediately returned to the gangster analogy. He’s the ‘cleaner’, the guy the mob calls in to bleach the crime scene and burn all the evidence. I called Mueller honorable, but does this corporate lawyer’s lawyer deserve the same treatment? If key parts of this document remain hidden from view for “reputational reasons”, not ongoing investigational ones, we still have a problem. So a guy who believes presidents can’t commit crimes, who auditioned for Trump by defending his decision to fire Comey, has exonerated Trump of any and all crimes? Talk about stacking the deck, oh wait, Trump can’t open a casino on the Las Vegas strip either. Hmmm. We need to know who is making these decisions in redaction-land or: Who Watches the Redactmen?

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by Mick Zano • March 28, 2019

Flagstaff, AZ—The Daily Discord has received a copy of the full Mueller Report from an unreal source. Unfortunately the original document is still mostly redacted. Attorney General William Barr explained how Mueller used large black blocks to actually type stuff into his report. “Intelligence agencies often use a Fed font, or Arial MIBlack,” said Barr. “It’s not uncommon to start with permanent redactions, which can save a lot of embarrassment later. You can also whiz through stuff when you’re in a hurry. I think Mueller actually started this thing last Monday.” The Discord released the full text, so we are asking our 11 fans to please check their spam folders. The report raises many questions, such as: why are the only non-redacted parts in Klingon? How can the only released English words, ‘beer pong’ possibly relate to Mueller’s original mandate? Do Klingons even play beer pong? Conclusions have fallen into two distinctly different camps. Whereas the Republicans remain convinced the leaked document fully vindicates the president, Democrats believe it opens a new line of inquiry into possible collusion between the Trump Administration and Q’ONOS, the Klingon home-world.

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by Mick Zano • March 27, 2019

No matter what it says or means, the Mueller report is an unmitigated disaster. At the very least it will improve Trump’s chances of winning a second term and our fascist in chief is already starting his own brand of revenge porn, aka prying healthcare from millions more Americans between tweets #Winning! Republicans are saying the liberal media should apologize for an investigation into Russian interference into the 2016 election that netted 27 indictments and proved the Russians interfered in the 2016 election. Nice. These folks can spin anything and this is their Pizzagate de resistance. Where is your apology for the seven investigations into Benghazi that led to no indictments, related or otherwise? Where is the apology for Spygate and this ‘insurance policy’ that apparently we never should have been paying those premiums on? Sorry, passing this one hurdle does not exonerate the village idiots in the room; it simply allows them to do more damage before the truth becomes apparent.

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by Mick Zano • March 24, 2019

My blogvesary’s recent comment-bombing campaign reached new levels of absurdity this week. Pokey said, “Your statement, Zano, how ‘fascism is here already’ is a baseless claim. It’s a claim that is repeated, without evidence, by the democrats in a stream of propaganda that rivals the soviets.” Wow. My friend is not mincing words, just concepts. Of course, we need to move left amidst this populist assault on reason. Whereas this new Duck Soup will include a little Bernie, will it contain some Marx and Mao? And how far left is too far? I don’t think we need to worry about that, probably ever. Big Pharma, big Aetna, and the Big Kahuna in office aren’t going down anytime soon. You can lead Gumby’s horse to Watergate, but ya can’t make him think? Again, we have a sociopathic authoritarian-wannabe in office; a man so legally cornered and mentally unfit that, if and when his high crimes and misdemeanors are exposed as high crimes and misdemeanors, he’s currently hedging his bets by stoking a violent uprising. But I know why you’re giving him a pass, Poke, you want some of that luke-warm victory fast food! McWinning! This is going to be the good kind of violence! The best violence!! #AskNotWhatUCanDo4McDonalds. Despite hangin’ at this crucial crossroads, my friend refuses to even acknowledge our arrival in Robert Johnson country—after making that fateful deal with the devil.

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by Pierce Winslow • March 22, 2019

Seahaven—Today the famed television mega-producer, Christof, of The Truman Show fame, admitted that the last three years of Donald Trump’s life have been the next of his epic reality TV series. In an interview with The Daily Discord’s own Cokie McGrath, Christof stated, “My last foray involved keeping an individual, Truman Burbank, isolated in a bubble and making him believe that the environment around him was reality. This time I have taken an inside-out approach to that premise. We’ve targeted an individual from reality TV and created a fake reality out of him. The Truman Show started with the birth of the protagonist. This time I didn’t think that the back-story would be that compelling, although there is a niche market for those fascinated by the causes of sociopathic behavior. Maybe I’ll create a spin-off. Anyway, I didn’t have that kind of time to cultivate the requisite fame required to create the setting.”

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by Mick Zano • March 21, 2019

Earth’s Crust—Evil genius Hannibal Lecter is suing Tito’s, a popular Austin-based vodka company and makers of Tito’s Handmade Vodka. The 78-year-old convict is coordinating the lawsuit from his maximum security prison deep within the Earth’s crust. After testing a sample of the product at an undisclosed location, the known cannibal found no human DNA whatsoever in the liquor. This prompted the master criminal to initiate legal action against the company for false advertisement. Lecter told the Discord, “I couldn’t find any sign of human remains, hands or otherwise, in this product. It’s corn-based, not a hand-based, which is not going to sit well with me, literally. Furthermore, if I wanted a screwdriver it would only be to bury in the neck of one of the guards.”

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by Mick Zano • March 17, 2019

My friend and blogvesary continues to ignore the very parallel dimension in which he resides. He refuses to acknowledge how liberals are thwarted, time and time again, when they attempt to push anti-corruption legislation. Today’s example is ‘dark money’. Both parties use lobbyist-laden dark money, aka untraceable donations that propel their agendas, but per Mother Jones reporting over the last decade the totals vary greatly: R = $763.2 and D = $235.8. This week the Resisters tried to pass HR 1, an anti-corruption bill that would make all money traceable, but Mitch McConnell called it a “socialist power grab” …boogey, boogey, boogey! Uh, read the title of this article again, Mr. McConnell. You’re showing your horns and Mitchfork again.

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by Mick Zano • March 16, 2019

Potter Township, Ganja—Jimmy’s dime bag was all smiles today after Congress voted 420 to 0 to make the findings of the Mueller report public. Jimmy’s joint, nicknamed Fatty, said, “Not to be blunt, bud, but this is a clear nod to my kind that we should all be legalized from roast to roast.”

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by Mick Zano • March 14, 2019

Tweet Tower—Eric Trump and Don Junior wanted to surprise their father this week so, as the president approved the spring dessert menu at Camp Donald, the Brothers Dim set to work ‘improving’ their father’s office. The Secret Service allegedly participated in the effort and pictures of everyone using the water-bong prompted Vladimir Putin to call the Oval Office to warn the boys that if they didn’t start acting their age he’d forward the photos to the president.

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by Mick Zano • March 8, 2019

Pepperidge Farm—In a wooded area outside of a secluded farmhouse only a few blocks from Sesame Street a neighborhood girl scout named Little Debbie vanished under mysterious circumstances. The Cookie Monster’s lawyer said, “This was a simple case of not knowing when the boxes of Shortbreads and Thin Mints ended and where Little Debbie’s Honey Buns began.”

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