Grand Rapids, MI—Republican congressman Justin Amash (R-MI) has not only read the Mueller report in its entirety, stunning in and of itself, but he has concluded the president has engaged in impeachable offenses. The news has both Democrats and the scientific community scratching their heads. Since his public declaration on Monday, congressman Amash is awash with requests to have his brain studied by science, preferably post-mortem. The discovery has many political scientists and neuro-beurocratologists begging the question, how could someone who can process information still be a registered republican? It’s like Catch-22, only worse. Yeah, it’s like a Catch-23.

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If America was ever contemplating a major overhaul to its system of government, now would be that time. Think about it, the Brits have the likes of Nigel Farage. I just like saying Nigel Farage. How are we supposed to compete with a system of government that comes complete with names like that? We.Can’t. Our founding fathers couldn’t have possibly seen this coming, but here we are Nigel Farageless and contemplating adopting a new system of government. In fact, I am suggesting we adopt the identical system of government to the one we abandoned over two centuries ago to start our own fledgling experiment in democracy. Overall our government has functioned reasonably well over that time, but today our system has been hijacked—more specifically, it has been hijacked by stupid people. My assessment of our democracy? We need something decidedly more stupid-people-proof, and we need the likes of Nigel Farage, or at least a system of government capable of producing people with names equally as fabulous.

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The Frozen North—Prime Minister of Canada Justin Trudeau has announced his decision to deploy Mounties to the border on the news that droves of Americans are flooding northward in an attempt to better meet their healthcare needs. Trudeau had a stern message for his southern neighbors today, “I have authorized the redeployment of 17,000 Canadian Mounties to our southern border. I’m sending the horses later as there was a bit of a mix up. But sorry America, Canada is full, so kindly piss off. Go fix your own healthcare system and don’t over-strain ours. Of course we have coverage for strains and you probably don’t, but whose fault is that? I’d suggest you get your head scanned, but that’s probably not covered either. Turn your heads around now and cough, because the only medical care you’re going to get at the Canadian border is a free prostate exam!”

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Pyongyang, NK—Kim Jong Un is downplaying both the launching of three long distance rockets this week and the decision to name each of them after west coast U.S. cities. The Supreme Leader of North Korea told the press today, “These are cities I would like to visit, to reign down a sea of fire and radioactivity, or maybe go on a bar crawl. I will let you know. Look, it’s better than my first nicknames: Trump, Pence and Kellyanne. Only need one missile for that.”

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London, ENG—Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex, have welcomed their new baby ….something or other. The latest arrival joins the royal family seventh in line to the throne, well, that was until moments ago. British Intelligence is reporting that the other six individuals ahead of baby Squidward’s claim to the throne are all currently missing and presumed devoured. Thus far the Queen is downplaying the disappearances and what appears to be the baby’s profound precognetic abilities, which those close to the Queen say has already, “Ruined Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, and the next seven Wimbledons.”

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I sat through the whole “hearing” yesterday and no surprise, it was surprisingly horrible. History is going to look back to that day, not as the beginning of the end of Trump, but as the beginning of the end of our republic. But forget about all of Barr’s predictable lies for a moment and our republic’s pending demise, what Strzok me during this partisan senator banter is how the two political realities are now fully realized and complete. It reminds me of the Tulpa from Tibetan mysticism, except those are created by communal thought-forms and the Republican variety has little to do with thinking. So let’s call them the reverse, Apluts. Since half our country has concentrated so hard on the same things they’ve willed to life their own partisan scandal monsters. These Aplut entities now have a life of their own and can function independently, which is more than I can say for our president. If my hypothesis is correct, maybe the next time we look under that pizza parlor, aka the front for a child sex ring operation with links to the Clintons, it will actually have a basement. This week’s proceedings would have been better suited for a Hannity segment than the senate chambers. It’s one thing to be wrong all the time because you can only get Levin or Savage in your trailer, but these exchanges occurred in the heart of our democratic institutions. Good thing no one lit a match in that place. Guy Fartes Day? That would be a great holiday, eh, we could celebrate the exploding of Capitol Hill each year by eating bean burritos and warm cola. Somehow fitting.

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Tweet Tower—In a surprise ceremony, President Trump presented Attorney General William Barr the Medal of Freedom for his uncommon valor in the face of a barrage of unpleasant facts during yesterday’s Senate hearing. The president told the press today, “He’s a great American and if I’m going to be free, he’s going to be free #FreeToo. Next week I’m getting him a Medal of Honor, a Pulitzer, an Oscar, and an Olympic gold medal, maybe for curling because no one will miss one of those. Our new AG is also getting some free coupons to stay at Trump Tower Pyongyang. Ooops, scratch that. And best of all, we use a punch card thing now for all pre-pardons, so like your tenth crime is on us, or, in this case, for us. I punched the whole card! See what you could have gotten, Mr. Refusalcusal?! Play ball next time, Mr. Magoo!!”

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