How dare Al-Qaeda! What despicable levels won’t these pricks stoop to, to take a young impressionable kid from Nigeria and send him to Detroit? The Monsters! Talk about Out of Africa… Luckily, the terrorist’s attempt at ruining the holidays turned into one of the best Christmas presents for America, ever.  They gave us the gift of comedy.  The whole event left more than a few people scratching their heads, or was it their crotches?

Who exactly is this big-eyed, close-mouthed twerp that many are now calling the Crotch Bomber Kid (CBK)? How desperate is Al-Qaeda getting when the best they can muster is to con some fruit of the loom to assail us with his dysfunctional Underoos?  Talk about “Weapons of Ass Destruction”. What are they going to send at us next year, orphans using anthrax as talcum powder, or an army of Tiny Tims with exploding crutches?  Have a holy jolly jihad.

It seems quite obvious that the CBK is more than a little slow upstairs, not to mention a little crispy downstairs. What sort of message do they expect this will convey? And you thought we looked incompetent?  How are they going to spin this one?  Well, don’t worry fellow martyrs; he’ll still get 72 Virgin Airways frequent flier miles in the afterlife. Great PR move. I can see it now: “Are you an idiot?  Are you easily impressionable?  Are you stupid enough to believe in Al-Qeada’s cause? You too can join Jerry’s Jihadists today!”

Most likely, they expected him to go up in flames with his hot pants, leaving the world ignorant as to the real CBK. But, luckily for some rough and tumble passengers, that plan is as history as the Qaeda Kid’s sex drive.

Yet another upside of this whole Great Balls Of Fire event is this: the conservatives over at Homeland Security and the anti-child porn lobbyists, two groups usually on the same side, are now at each other’s throats over the idea of airports X-raying through our clothing. But screening even children might be a good idea, since terrorists are now touring grade schools with large boxes of candy for their recruitment campaigns.

As for the Crotch Bomber Kid, the supervisors over at Guantanamo Bay are already busy at work constructing a new Special Ed wing. And, in a rare fit of insight, they are preparing to get a jump on Al-Qaeda by drawing up plans for a children’s wing, a dementia wing, and a smart primate wing (SPW). That’ll add a few more jobs to Obama’s stimulus package.

Think of all the good that came from this nearly tragic event…  Our intelligence agencies are finally going to start working together *snicker*.  All the great jokes banding about the media. And, hey, as an exhibitionist, I can’t wait to try out one of those new airport scanners.  I think I’m going to get a one-way ticket to DC with a wad of cash, no luggage, and one of those trench coats.  But do you think a false mustache is over the top?  Be honest.

As for those Gitmo specials, some say we should bring them here and try them in civilian courts. Riiiiiighttt… Eric Holder’s announcement the 911 masterminds were coming to NY ranks up there as one of the most boneheaded moves of the decade (and that’s saying something). We could put them in a cell next to the crotch bomber, eh?  Others say, let ’em rot in Gitmo. But they will “rot” at a per-person cost to us greater than NASAs next ten attempts to blow up the friggin moon. Why should we pay for them to live in relative comfort, as compared to the damn sand holes they came from? Still others say, let a Military Tribunal take care of them. They had six years to do that and, so far, nada.  So I have better idea.  Two words…Hunting Reserves.

Now hear me out on this…because I think we are all missing the boat, as it were. Texas has a lot of land, and they have a lot of guns, and they happen to have a surplus of people on that land, who like to shoot those guns.  Let us also say that the state of Texas probably doesn’t harbor any deep-seeded affection for enemy combatants.  I say let the government buy up some ten-thousand acres of prime Texas hill country, release their asses, and tell them if they aren’t killed in 48 hours, they can go home.

My plan will give us all a thrill (even better than the one going up and down Chris Mathew’s leg) all the while it’s paying down the deficit!  Just think of it.  Can you hear the guns, Fernando?  I can.  We will simply let guys like the Motor City Madman hisself, Ted Nugent, pay BIG bucks to hunt them down with either rifles or, for the true adventurist, bow & arrow style.  You can pretend you’re Legolas from the frigging Middle Earth for all I care (although, dressing up enemy combatants like Orcs will run you extra).  Heck, you can have any theme you want: Dick Tracy villains, Batman villains, liberal villains…whatever floats your boat. Or, just give’em all day-glow orange turbans hot-glued to their noggins, and let the hunt begin.

Think about the money you could bring in if it was all nationally televised! This could bring together the best aspects of American Idol and Nascar all rolled up into one Uhmuhricun, larger than life, experience…and, er, larger than death.  Also, we would have very realistic Taliban tracking (VRTT) for our military recruits.  Hey wait, there could be wagering in Vegas on who would last the longest.  Isn’t Vegas still hurting about now?  (no matter how many times Zano seems to frequent the place.) 

We could call it the Towel Race 2000 or something. This plan would be a boon for the somewhat forsaken Texan desert cities. There could be phone lines from all America letting us choose the artifact of bodily injury that would be used on, said ‘contestant.’  Let’s not forget sponsorships? I can see it now, some fat assed southern hunter wearing his best “Remington” and “Winchester” logo gear. Let’s get the populace involved in the judicial process and help boost the economy at the same time.  It will help the heartland keep their minds off reality. It worked for the Romans for nearly ten centuries, and it can work now.

I realize there is one hang up—some of these folks were admittedly picked up wrongly….hmmmm.  Maybe just implement some form of slightly less violent “Wack-A-Turban” for dat bunch.  We could still make some cash, is all I’m saying.

And, if some libertard group starts a PETA group, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Al-Qaeda—lookie here, boys, we have more, said ‘contestants.’

Just a Thought

The Crank

Looking for a new CEO?  GM has been run by its bean counters for more than a decade now. See how well that’s worked out.  Putting Henderson out to pasture was a smart move. Don’t blow it now! Finance guys can’t run car companies; former telephone exec can’t run it; so who can?  He is already on your staff, you autotard. He knows more about CARS than anyone out there. Bob Lutz is sacred to us car people. He is master of all that uses liquid dinosaurs and makes “The Good Noise”. They say, if you prick him, he bleeds 20w50. They say, he sleeps in a bed that is a full sized replica of a Testarossa, sans top. They say, his children are named Hurst & Shelby. They say, the head of his member has a shift pattern tattooed on it…

GM Vice President Robert “Maximum Bob” Lutz has recently stated to the press something that really says it all about governmental intrusion into the auto business:

“We are in the Automobile business, not the societal improvement business.”

Ooooooowe.  There’s that “feeling going up and down my leg” that Chris Matthews must have been talking about.

If you don’t build CARS everyone wants to BUY, everyone loses. You are a fucking CAR company.  Please re-read that last two sentences as many times as it takes for you to sink into that F-ing brain of yours. When the “Old GM” wanted its free money from our resident fascist in power, it was obvious that our very own “Il Duce” wanted something in return. He wanted the door to hit Rick Waggoner and Bob Lutz in their collective asses on the “way out.”  Waggoner was a dipshit, so who cared, but Bob?

“Maximum Bob” is in his mid-seventies.  He has more money than God, and he loves making and selling cars. He knows more about the business than anyone all the idiots on the “Auto Advisory Board” combined. That’s why he had to go. The last thing they wanted was someone who actually knew more than they did…someone who would argue with them, someone who couldn’t be bought, someone who wouldn’t kowtow to their wishes, someone with ‘God forbid’ standards.

Secretary of Transportation, Ray LaHood, said in May that his livability initiative “is a way to coerce people out of their cars”. When asked if this was just more government intrusion into people’s lives, he responded “About everything we do around here is government intrusion in people’s lives.”

A government report says reliance on electric cars will do very little to reduce greenhouse gas emissions.  It will just shift our dependence from one set of problems to another. The GAO report says that a plug-in car, if recharged at an outlet drawing its power from coal, provides a carbon dioxide savings of only 4% to 5%. If the feeling of saving the environment from driving an electric car causes people to drive more that small amount of savings vanishes. Bob knew this all along. It was all useless bullshit spread around by certain fat ex-Vice Presidents and GE. Many CEO’s stood to make a fortune on Crap-N-Turd.

I cried tears of joy when I heard the news that Bob decided to “un-retire.”  It wasn’t all over, after all. There was still a chance I could hear the sweet, sweet tones of a well tuned Hemi V8 pass me like I was standing still. I could still smell the burning rubber at stoplights. I could still have the chance to rest my gaze upon fat tires, chrome wheels and bright paint—knowing full well there was, in fact, a large powerful engine under that hood.

When the “interim” GM CEO Fritz “I’z just a bean counter” Henderson was asked if the “late” Pontiac G8 rear drive V8 was going to be moved to another brand when Pontiac was put in its own little closet of doom, he said “No.” He wasn’t a fan of re-badging, and a large V8 powered rear drive passenger car was not in the future for GM. “Maximum Bob” was asked the same question in an interview right after his not-going-away announcement. He said that it was going to be a Chevy, probably called Caprice, because “it was just too good a car to waste.” Oh my, a real “Screw You, Barack” model, if I ever heard one. It is now acknowledged as being the basis of GM’s new cop car, slated to recoup some losses of fleet sales from Ford and the pre-historic Crown Vic, soon to be Caprice SS?? We’ll see…

For the people that dismiss being a “car guy” as infantile, and that a car is just a way to get from point A to point B, I remember a “Home Improvement” episode where Tim’s wife was dissing his Hot Rod. I remember him saying his car was a part of him, an extension of his personality, of who he is, and to dismiss it was to dismiss him.

I couldn’t agree more….

You are dismissed.

You have tried the rest, now try the best

MAXIMUM BOB LUTZ FOR CEO

NOW, BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE

The Crank