To fully grasp this brewing global conflict, we need to understand the main players and their perspectives.  Despite popular belief, there are valid perspectives and decidedly less than valid perspectives.  This may not be politically correct, but it happens to be true.  Many liberals continue to labor from the misapprehension that all perspectives are equal, but there is such a thing as wrong and wronger.  For example, Bush (wrong) Osama Bin Laden (wronger).  Israeli occupation and sanctions (wrong), Palestinian suicide bombers (wronger). Christian Fundamentalism (wrong), Islamic Fundamentalism (wronger), Police Academy I (wrong), all the other Police Academy movies (wronger).

With Iran poised to become a nuclear power and Al-Qaeda alive and well, has the long-feared clash between Muslims and Christians become inevitable?  Perhaps more importantly, is there a way to enter those pearly gates and all those afterlife virgins?   For the round up, let’s start with Islamic Extremists.  Frankly, it’s not worth discussing this bunch.  Arrest them or kill them; those are the only two choices.  Such intolerant views invariably spring up from what some sociologists call a ‘fear of annihilation.’  Many across the world, especially Al-Qaeda, believe that Modern Liberal Thinking, M.L.T. (hold the Bono), ultimately threatens their very existence. 

Teabag Party anyone?

If you think about the fundamentals of intolerance, it’s amazing how much Al-Qaeda has in common with Ann Coulter.  Both start with the letter A.  But wait… there’s more.  The connection between these two deepens with the discovery of computer-generated equidistant number sequencing (CGENS).  By running skip patterns through the Hebrew Bible, strange political messages surface:

A L Q A E D A N N K C E D O M I N A T R I X U N L Y T G E R

These words, or arrays, are encoded in Leviticus 11:1-15:33. The reason Kenny G appears so often in the Bible remains a mystery.

Extremists’ fear of liberalism is ironic, since liberal pluralists tend to be the strongest defenders of these groups.  That’s why some liberals end up Al-Qaeda sympathizers.  Listening to these neo-hippies rant about American imperialism makes me want to fatwa a Starbucks.  Even if you assume the U.S. is ‘the Great Satan’ than Sharia Law is still the ‘Greater Satan.’  Try moving into Taliban held territory with a Danish cartoonist some time.  That was the worst summer ever.

Next stop we have Christian Fundamentalists, fueling Islam’s hatred for over two-thousand years. Fact: we need this group almost as much as we need the terrorists.  They are both flip-sides of the same fatalistic coin.  These are the ‘torture for Jesus’ people.  If we transplant this group to the Middle East, in a few years they’ll be learning how to fly, but not land, airplanes.  Some examples would be the late Jerry Falwell, George W. Bush, and John Denver.

Is it still too soon for a John Denver joke?

Operating from a mostly egocentric perspective, the U.S. Government should acknowledge the fact that our policies are often self-serving and reckless.  We never should have stationed troops amidst holy Islamic sites, and in the long run we should limit or eliminate all Middle East bases—unless you have a thing for shrapnel.  Not any time soon, mind you, we might have to beat them up some more.  On the plus side, the U.S. has the ability to course correct and is not driven by a single ideology.

Enters Moderate Islam.  You are the key players in this whole passion play.  Sadly, the hawkish-right still thinks they are the key players.  They have the near delusional sense they can control a third of the world militarily.  “Drop some bombs and those towel heads will scatter.”  Good luck with that.  I’ll tell you what…you can start to invade all of the other Muslim countries, Tex, just as soon as you finish fixing the first two.  As for moderate Islam, this conflict would be a whole lot easier if you’d reel in your more fanatical brothers and stop allowing hatred to be taught in your schools.  That’s what cable is for.  But I do understand your reluctance to help…it’s tough to voice your ideals without a head. Thankfully, there are signs of life in this moderate Muslim movement (MMM). And this movement has strengthened under Obama.  These brave souls should be nurtured, encouraged, protected, and maybe even occasionally covered by the press once in a while.  

If Democrats hope to maintain power, they must restore balance, integrity, and the four day workweek.  Don’t worry Scroogian capitalists, this will effectively put an end to casual Friday.  Fair trade, right?

Oh, wait, you were against that too.

Back to the Liberal Pluralists…you know, those people rationalizing Islamic extremism while sipping their mocha double-latte chinos.  ‘We brought this on ourselves,’ they’ll whine, or, ‘the fundamentalist Islamic perspective is just as valid as our own.’ These folks actually believe Iran wants to enrich uranium for their energy needs.  Hah!

Some good examples from this group are Michael Moore, Rosie O’Donnell, and Glenn Beck (OK, that was simply done to annoy the patriotards).

Why not pour your grande mocha double latte chinos onto your own crotches [pour coffee now]. 

Excellent. 

There is such a thing as wrong and wronger.  Now reread the first paragraph of this article and get a life.  If liberals would figure out this one simple trick, they wouldn’t be such fodder for the Hannity’s of the world. 

Western thought is rooted in principles that have stimulated a much higher level of cultural consciousness than Islam.  The truth may hurt, folks, but considerably less than an IED.  Bill Maher has described the brunt of Islamic consciousness as still in the dark ages, and, if you can’t believe comedians these days, who can you believe?  Too much of Islam is based on a tribal ideology, wherein nations should be fought until, as the Koran dictates, ‘they embrace Islam.’ Of course, there’s always the standard New York rebuttal, ‘embrace dis,’ which is usually accompanied by an inappropriate cupping gesture.  

Sorry, mocha chino boy, even with all of Bush’s flawed ‘strategery’ it doesn’t put him on the same level as Al-Qaeda.  For example, the U.S. clearly attempts to spare civilian lives.  The Muslim and Palestinian extremists, on the other hand, go out of their way to kill indiscriminately.  Oh, and if Al-Qaeda is looking for a soft target, we will refrain from any and all non-integral comments involving Limbaugh’s ass (just for today). 

We must integrate the truths of all systems of knowledge, and then transcend diverse fields into a still higher integration—like the Borg.

A note for the moderate theologians, integralists, and other sane types: you are the only breath of fresh air in this Stewartanian Mess-o-potamia: we must mobilize, mobilize, mobilize!  M is for mobile (F. Burns, 1976).  It’s time for moderate voices to be heard!  It’s time for extreme moderates, raging moderates, plum mad-dog-mean moderates, maniacal baby-mangling macho moderates…the kind of moderates that will resort to scathing blogs, terse letters to the editor, and late night C-Span prank calls!  AKA, it’s time for a Transcosmetic Party!

After all is said and done, who do you think is more disgusted with their own extreme followers, Jesus or Mohammed?  I imagine that somewhere, right now, they’re smoking some fat stogies in paradise (Cuban, no doubt.  Heaven lifted the boycott ages ago).  And, yes, Christ smokes, but only to piss off the Mormons.  Both of these great prophets are probably planning how, next time, they’re going to need to include clearer visual aids with their teachings, some PowerPoint presentations, and maybe even some enlightening scratch-and-sniff.

I am no conspiracy theorist; I look at the facts and draw conclusions based on the information before me—kind of the anti-CrankZano, if you will.  That being said, recent facts are leading me to believe the Obama administration actions are creating opportunities for our enemies to attack.  But, more to the point, are future attacks actually being engineered by the White House? While Homeland Security (DHS) focuses on right-wing extremists as potential terrorists—you know, the ones who oppose abortion, gun control, high taxes, and liberalism in general—al-Qaeda linked Islamic extremists continue to plot against us.  Why would Obama’s DHS focus on freedom-loving people like me when al-Qaeda has attempted 28 terrorist attacks against the US since 9/11?  I mean, I’ve only attempted 27 in my whole life.  I’m kidding, of course.  The real number is much lower than that.

Many on the left were green with envy that 9/11 occurred on President Bush’s watch.  The liberals saw the country united in a way not seen since WWII, and there were those who said, “Why couldn’t this happen when a democrat was in office?”  They were less concerned about the attack on US soil that killed over three-thousand people than the personal and political implications of such an event.  Kind of like Dave Atsals’ Ground Zero Dogs, which did little to boost the morale or lower Manhattan (though they were arguably effective as colon cleansers).

Now we have Barack Obama in the Oval Office (BOOO!).  How’s that for a lousy acronym joke, Zano?  The Dems hold super-majorities in both houses of congress.  They have the power within their caucus to do their own bidding on the American people, but they are facing opposition within their own party as to how far to socialize this country.  Those on the extreme left, led by the Libranos, want nothing less than to destroy freedom and liberty in this country.  That’s my job!

Sorry, folks, socialism cannot work in a free society.  Then you have the so-called centrist democrats like Nelson, Lincoln, and Landrieu (festival, festival) who will sacrifice freedom and liberty for a price.  If the bribe is good enough, they will capitulate. And, as Obama rides the world-wide apology tour bus, he and his administration changed the military’s rules for engagement to a law-enforcement approach; he has conferred constitutional protections to those who would destroy our country—a country founded on the Constitution.  He would reduce the number of border patrol agents and tie their hands by allowing greater illegal access to the United States from Mexico.  This, despite the fact the DHS has shown al-Qaeda operatives have entered the US through this same border.  His TSA would post online, for all to see, the security manual outlining airport-screening procedures.  He would slash the budget for the Air Marshall agency of the DHS funding, forcing a reduction of air marshals by 60% from Amsterdam and Frankfurt, Germany.  Is it a coincidence Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, a 23-year-old Nigerian, boarded Northwest Airlines Flight 253 in Amsterdam?  Is it a coincidence this is where the Ghetto Shaman gets his hash?  I don’t think so.

U.S. government officials acknowledged Abdulmutallab came to the attention of U.S. intelligence in November when his father went to the U.S. embassy in Abuja, Nigeria, to express his concerns about his son’s connection to al-Qaeda, Yemen, and at least one explosive Jerry Springer episode.

This terrorist tried to blow up a jetliner over Detroit on Christmas Day while he was on a terror watch list; he still had a visa to the United States and was allowed to board the flight.  The Obama administration ignored the warnings.  U.S. intelligence agencies under Obama’s control were aware long ago that Army Major Nidal Malik Hasan was in contact with al-Qaeda, but failed to respond prior to Hasan killing more than thirty soldiers at Fort Hood.  It is inexcusable, like most Ghetto Shaman columns.

Obama and his administration are either operating on a level of incompetence never seen before (no easy trick), or this is a carefully orchestrated attempt to unite the country behind Obama in the aftermath of the next terrorist attack.  You decide…

It’s time for a third party, a truth seeking party, a truly independent party, a Transcosmetic Party!  There is certainly a movement in America, but currently it’s brainless and leaderless (hint: when Sarah Palin is your keynote speaker, your movement needs a major laxative).  Our zombie zeitgeist moans on as the Teabag movement only adds to the unrest.  Having forty-percent of America ready and willing to vote-in any chimp with the tallest pointy white cap is not encouraging. Let me know how that Brown thing works out for you Massivetwoshits.  Populous outrage is one thing, but misguided populous outrage is quite another. 

Teabaggers want to rally all those independent thinkers and then vote Republican?  Great idea.  I don’t want any dems or republicans in my movement.  I like to pick on my conservative friends, but, let’s be clear here, the liberals suck too. We need only the best of both worlds for this growing Transcosmetic Party…you know, both of us.  Like any good integralist, I want to keep what works and what’s right from every perspective and level.  Modern conservatism and modern liberalism have little to offer, however.  Liberals are class-one enablers, far too prone to moral relativism, but they are right about the importance of equality and being good stewards of our environment. Then, on the other side of the aisle, there is little of value espoused on Fox News.  They will cheer on any short term spike in their stock options, nothing more.  But, they are right to defend our 1^st and 2^nd amendment rights and to champion fiscal responsibility—even though they currently suck at it.

Fact, politicians can’t cut obvious waste because the strongest lobbyists prevail and invariably the strongest lobbyists are the biggest crooks (Zano’s Theorem).  Sorry, Cranko, but gutting nearly all behavioral health for the most severely mentally ill will cost Arizona dearly.  Saving a penny by losing a nickel somewhere else is not being fiscally conservatism.  It’s being stupid.  Thankfully, since my last post, our republican governor in Arizona is raising sales tax amidst this great recession.  See?  It is possible.  She can’t cut critical services.  She understands that—oh, wait…she’s doing it to fund that Cubs spring training complex in Mesa?  Hmmmm. Have fun trying to access that wonderful healthcare system you’re championing, Cranko, with an emergency room full of loons.  But, then again, it will be nice to see the Cubs above .500 this season. 

So let’s get the best, non partisan thinkers on the same team. Come on, people. Both parties have left the building.  Why are you still defending them?  They are lying to you.  If Obama comes up with a surefire way to finish us off, MSNBC will applaud it, and if he comes up with a surefire solution to pull us out of this mess, Fox will condemn it.  Neither group deserves our support.  We need at least a few integral thinkers to look at our current State of the Union from what Ken Wilber terms All Quadrants and All Levels (AQAL).  Hey, a rare genuine acronym alert (ARGAA). 

Damn, that didn’t last long…

So how does a new movement, seasoned with some semblance of objectivity, emerge in this climate of coo-coos?  I don’t have a freak’n clue.  America always chooses poorly.  They’ll get it wrong every time.  Beta over VHS, IBM over Apple, football over hockey, Leno over Conan.  The examples are endless. The best is always sidelined by empty suites.  I think for 2012 it should be John Edwards vs. Sarah Palin and let’s be done with it.  Hey, don’t knock this plan.  At least we’ll know we’ve hit bottom.  Poor education and a media from hell have brought us to this mind-numbingly clueless crossroads we now find ourselves. 

It is hard to see how a higher perspective will ever prevail.  Look at the religions that thrive.  If people are given choices over time, we tend to divert to the least common denominator.  If this trend continues, we won’t find ourselves piercing deeper into integral thought, but we’ll be executing Danish cartoonists.  Europe is dying, in part, because people just stop procreating as much at some point; they certainly procreate less than our tribal and fundamental friends.  They are also more tolerant, which often leads to

societal and cultural suicide. But the tragic optimist in me says, with crises come opportunities.  Unfortunately, that part of me also says drink buckets of gin.

Even integralists are squatting on a mat somewhere contemplating their navel instead of third-eyeing that hot yoga booty right in front of them.  So it’s hard to see—with our education system and this pervasive mindset in real America—how we can ever survive the changes and challenges to come.  The dopiest remain stuck in a state of perpetual Limbaugh and even the smartest remain mired in scientism and super capitalism.  None have real insights for our future growth, future sustainability, and future survival. 

Enter Zano.  All hail the Zano King.  He can do anything!  So I am holding a rally in Nowhere, AZ next week.  One like-minded person will be joining me (not yet confirmed).  The Crank might come (to play the Zano’s advocate).

We (or I) will be meeting for this sweeping movement over at that Nowhere bar, locked amidst those curvy AZ switchbacks.  And I’m planning to drink while I think.  I won’t stop this Transcosmetic think tank party, until I have solved all of the world’s problems, or I end up in the drunk tank.   Yep, the think tank Nowhere drunk tank rally for the Transcosmetic party starts soon (acronym removed for space sake).  Join this real revolution today and leave your teabags at home, folks. 

In the immortal words of the Ghetto Shaman, I hope this helps. 

I don’t blame anyone for holding out for hope.  I knew Obama’s chances of saving the world were slim, but I also thought holy shit! complete sentences! Unfortunately, the Obama illusion is just that—an illusion.  We few sentient creatures left amongst the patriotard wasteland have realized, long ago, that no one is driving the proverbial bus.  But, on the bright side, what a decade for political satire, eh?!  Makes me want to start an ezine blog thingie. Here’s the Discord decade in review: Clinton (circa 2000) was riding the Lewinsky, which is a metaphor meaning diligently protecting our country, and then things got really stupid for about eight years, and then came hope, which we all hoped would help (Hip Hope joke omitted by Winslow). 

Most Americans still suffer from the delusion that we reside in a thriving, competent, competitive country.  Always remember, U.S.A is number one…even if for the last ten years we’ve been stepping consistently in number two. 

Everyone remains forever transfixed by the essentially meaningless while they ignore the truly frightening.  Be thankful there are still some talented people left in this country, because as a collective we’re an Autistic Borg.  Cheney is the latest concerned citizen, outraged that the very system he built allowed a terrorist watch-lister onto a plane with a bomb.  Yeah, OK, Dick…whatever.  You couldn’t get food and water to the place where you directed thousands of people to go after a hurricane.  I remember when most of the 9/11 Commission’s recommendations were ignored, so that Dick could go ape shit on the Bill of Rights. 

No thank you, comissionites…I’m going to stick with torture, secret prisons, and secret police.  Those things sound much funner than coordinating our intelligence communities.  Oh, and Cranko, here’s the difference between Darth Rahm and Darth Cheney:

Darth Rahm: I am going to release the pressure on your trachea now if you promise to help me insure more Americans.

Darth Cheney: I’m not going to release the pressure on your trachea because this is way too much fun!

Yes, they are both Machiavellian bastards, but who would you rather be locked in a room with for a week?

Unlike Sean—jocks are smarter than nerds—Hannity, I think it’s more American to identify an embarrassment than placate it.  Eighty-percent of our population continues to champion one side of the freak show or the other.  If the republicans do sweep in the mid-terms, it’s a travesty.  Not that the dems deserve to keep any seats, mind you, it’s just no one from either party deserves anything at this point, except jail time.  Libertards and patriotards only see the mess on the other side of the aisle.  Many Americans were hoping for bailouts, still others were hoping for handouts, but I wanted Obama to restore the rule of law.  He hasn’t done that yet but, in his defense, the teleprompter hasn’t told him to yet.  And visions of conspiracy theories danced in my head.  Republicans are outraged now that their tactics are being used as the U.S. enterprise tacks to the left.  No one could have used these tactics ever, if you had had a clue.  Sorry, teabaggers, the revolution should have occurred in 2005.  You know, when you felt “safe”.

The economy is still screwed no matter what the Dow says. Perceptions are easily changed and this upswing is a welcome one, but it’s still all funny money, kids.  And fewer and fewer people actually receive any of this funny money. Capitalism became super capitalism somewhere under Bush and it’s at that point in the Monopoly game when we’re all shuffled toward Baltic Avenue.  Oh, wait, there’s a Trump Tower on it…er, Go To Jail. 

If Obamacare does pass, which I still doubt, we left only the shitty parts.  So the hospitals won’t be burdened by uncompensated care, you will. I wouldn’t mind pitching in my two cents if A.) I remotely trusted the government, or B.) Obamacare represented real reform.  There are two sentences of the thousand page document that we should keep.  If it passes, it would be hard to call this monstrosity a success (funny, I said the same thing about Roger Ailes).  But I give the Dems some credit for at least recognizing problems.  The republicans are only rallied to a cause when they are summoned by the Fox Gods to do so.  As usual, the republican base remains guided by some Mr. Burns type, who is somewhere, right now, preparing to release the flying monkeys. 

ACORN?  Give me a break.  We still don’t have a Bill of Rights! Obama’s second cousin’s aunt once worked at ACORN and they are a corrupt urban reform project?  What?!  I’ll have you know, I’ve started my own corrupt community help projects and I netted one can of Green Giant string beans for my trouble. All of Bush’s stimulus money is gone and most of Obama’s is where?  Aka, fuck the can of string beans (not literally; that could hurt). Granted, they were some damn fine string beans, but this is hardly the biggest deal as our nation and our world quite literally shakes and bakes.  I can’t wait to explain to my grandchildren how we would have loved to have stayed a viable global power, found clean energy, reformed healthcare, and saved the planet and all, but people were really, really concerned about this urban community project gone array.  Lest we forget, this is a social help project that might, under certain circumstance (if the moon is just right), receive money from Uncle Sam for trying to help socio-economically challenged regions of our country despite the taint of, gasp, prostitution.  (Hint: they really haven’t received a whole lot of anything yet except scrutiny).  How about trying to name one republican not visiting ACORN for some female companionship?  I think ACORN is doing the U.S. a great service—anything to keep them from enacting laws. 

Sure…don’t fund ACORN.  It should die.  It’s an embarrassment…not on a Sarah Palin level, but pretty bad. However, it should be listed in the grand scheme of things as problem 124,788 for America (not number 3 as seen on Fox Spews). 

The right has to fabricate and inflate trivial scandals while continuing to ignore the real issues.  It’s an art—only it smells more like it starts with an F.  Deficits didn’t matter under Bush, but now, all of a sudden, they’re paramount.  You will all go right back to sleep about deficits as soon as Brown/Palin take office in 2012.  You will only worry about what Fox tells you to and, until you figure that out, you’re useless in my movement.  Another good one was the Great Obama H1N1 preparations scandal of 2009.  Failing to come up with a gazilllion shots, overnight, that no one should probably have received in the first place is clearly as big a scandal as insert your favorite Bush scandal here.  Weren’t half a million shots recalled because we rushed this fabricated nonsense?   So we endanger half a million people to combat a flu that killed slightly less than the usually flu does? Great work, fear mongers.

In fact, the real scandals, birthed under Bush and perpetuated by Obama, are not even in the news.  Here’s why: the real constitutional dilemmas were started by Bush, (aka: dead to Fox), and either unaddressed or worsened under Obama (aka: dead to the rest of the media).  The right will invariably trade their freedom for security, while the left is too busy getting over that Obama peaceful tingling feeling up their leg (wasn’t that an Eagle’s song?).

OK, before you call me a revolutionary, realize this: I am way too lazy for that, but a second collapse is immanent and, sadly, some good may come from it. Yes, I said that. The last collapse did nothing for common sense.  Yes, Crank, here at the end of all things, I even want Business Channel people to wake the hell up and smell the ozone. I want them to think about the stock market beyond the next commercial break.  None of this is sustainable.  Bail out the morons, keep cheating and greeding, drill baby drill? Anything to keep blowing bubbles?  Mindless consumerism is no longer going to work, folks, no matter what the Fox Gods think.  I realize you didn’t get this memo, because you were at the mall, but the party is over. 

I don’t want my family and friends losing all of their worth either, but global economic collapse and planet dying shit is real bad.  Bottom line: our current way of life here in Happy Acres is unsustainable, unhealthy, and unAmerican. Yes, America has somehow become unAmerican (on Hannity’s watch, no doubt).  Unless America stands for war crimes, Ponzi schemes, and stupidity, we have some work to do.

You know why I despise the Teabaggers, Cranko?  The only thing they are going to accomplish is getting the only group on Earth dumber than the Dems back into office, the Republicans.  Real change means distancing yourself from both groups. A small portion of these Tea people understand that, but the vast majority remain dupes of the biggest dopes.  They represent a huge missed opportunity and, frankly, I want to join them—when they grow the hell up.

Oh, and you know what that idiot Hannity said the other day?  He kills me…really, he’s worse for my heart than Krispy Kremes.  He said, “they [scientists] have been talking about an ice age for forty years and nothing.”

Nothing?  Really?

We’re witnessing the biggest mass extinction on record, oceans are dying, and the ice caps are disappearing.  Well, I guess in his defense forty-years is a long time if you think the Earth is only six-thousand years old.       

AHHHhhHhHHhhHhHhhHhhHHhHHH!

There, that feels better…wait.

AHHhhhhHhhhhh!

OK, now wait for the shake:

Ah …Ah…h

OK, you can go…