I was watching a television program yesterday in which one character was describing to another the traits of narcissistic personality disorder, wherein one feels compelled to create villains to defeat in order to be perceived by others as being a hero. Much of the following explanation of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is taken directly from the DSM-IV, the rest is taken from family reunions, BBQs, and Discord Christmas parties. 

While I have accused Obama of being a narcissist on many occasions, it didn’t occur to me until last night that his narcissism could be diagnosable.  So I decided this morning to learn more about this from a credible source—no, not our resident Dr. Nick of behavioral health, Mick Zano—I went to the MayoClinic.com.  NPD is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with NPD believe that they’re superior to others and have little regard for other people’s feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.   In other words, someone with NPD should never ask a question of our Ghetto Shaman.

Diagnosis: Narcissistic personality disorder is one of several types of personality disorders. Personality disorders are conditions in which people have traits that cause them to feel and behave in socially distressing ways—ways that limit their ability to function in relationships and in other areas of their life, such as work or school (or big white government buildings).

Symptoms: NPD is characterized by dramatic, emotional behavior, in the same category as antisocial and borderline personality disorders.

Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms may include:

• Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
• Exaggerating your achievements or talents
• Expecting constant praise and admiration
• Believing that you’re special and acting accordingly
• Failing to recognize other people’s emotions and feelings
• Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
• Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
• Setting unrealistic goals
• Having a fragile self-esteem
• Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional
• Painful urination and discharge (OK, I made that one up)

Although some features of NPD may seem like having confidence or strong self-esteem, it’s not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence and self-esteem into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a teleprompter…er, I mean pedestal (it’s like, reaching CEO Pierce Winslow levels of self adoration).

When you have NPD, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations. This was on display for all to see during Obama’s so-called Health Care Summit.  According to those keeping time, Obama spoke for 119 minutes during the session, compared with 110 for Republicans and 114 for the other Democrats.  It was necessary for Obama to provide a rebuttal for every point republicans made in opposition to his plan.

When Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner announced how much more time those in favor of reform spoke vs. those opposed, Obama said “I’m the president, my time doesn’t count.”

You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior, like those who cling to their guns and religion. You may have a sense of entitlement.  How often have we heard the president say “I won” [the election]?  And when you don’t receive the special treatment to which you feel entitled, you may become very impatient or angry. Obama has demanded and received high praise from the mainstream media, and when the media asks a legitimate question, Obama mocks them publicly. 

You also may insist on having “the best” of everything — the best car, athletic club, medical care or social circles, for instance.  But underneath all this behavior often lies a fragile self-esteem. You have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have a sense of secret shame and humiliation. And in order to make yourself feel better, you may react with rage or contempt.  This is prevalent in virtually every aspect of his presidency.  For every issue, there must be a villain, Wall Street, Insurance companies, big oil, big business; and everyone who disagrees with him is considered a potential home-grown terrorist according to his Homeland Security goons.

Causes: The causes of NPD are not known. As with other mental disorders, the cause is likely complex and involves a college education, country clubs, and numerous gin spritzers. Some evidence links the cause to a dysfunctional childhood, such as excessive pampering, extremely high expectations, abuse or neglect.  Without question, Obama had a dysfunctional childhood.  Born to a single drug dependent mother either in Hawaii or Kenya, he spent years during his early childhood being schooled in Indonesia, being passed along between his father, mother, and grandmother, subjected to radical religious, social, and political influences.  As he got older, he was granted admission to the best private schools and universities (tuition assumed to be paid by like minded sources).

Risk Factors: Narcissistic personality disorder is rare. It affects more men than women. It often begins in early adulthood. During his early adult years, his mentors included radicals like Rev. Jeremiah Wright and Saul Alinsky, adopting Alinsky’s Rules for Radicals in community organizing activities and saw merit in their Marxist Liberation Theology (MLT—hold the Maoists).

Although some adolescents may seem to have traits of narcissism, this may simply be typical of the age and doesn’t mean they’ll go on to develop NPD.

Although the cause of NPD isn’t known, researchers continue to learn more about the factors that may increase the risk of developing the condition. In the past, experts believed excessive praise, admiration and indulgence from parents may lead to a pathologically inflated sense of self. Today, however, psychiatrists believe parental neglect is more likely responsible.

Risk factors for narcissistic personality disorder may include:

• Parental disdain for fears and needs expressed during childhood
• Lack of affection and praise during childhood
• Neglect and emotional abuse in childhood
• Unpredictable or unreliable care giving from parents
• Learning manipulative behaviors from parents
• an over exposure to MSNBC

Children who learn from their parents that vulnerability is unacceptable may lose their ability to empathize with others’ needs. They may also mask their emotional needs with grandiose, egotistical behavior that’s calculated to make them seem emotionally “bulletproof.”

It is my opinion, based on the Mayo Clinic’s definition of NPD  (hold the Mayo), and documented comments made by the president himself (about mayonnaise and other oil-based sandwich spreads), Obama is a textbook case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I am no doctor, I am no psychologist; however I am capable of reading, comprehending, and understanding the parallels between this condition and Obama’s actions and comments.

If Obama does indeed suffer from this mental disorder, does this inhibit his ability to perform the duties and responsibilities of the POTUS?  It’s my opinion that Obama’s political views are a danger to the traditional American way of life, liberty, and prosperity.  Many who voted for Obama now regret their decision, claiming Obama’s idea of Hope and Change are not what they expected.  That’s fair, and it’s why we have elections. 

However, if Obama’s policies are not necessarily rooted in a Marxist political ideology, but more a reaction based in his narcissistic view of reality, is he a danger to society and our way of life?  Unfortunately, the answer to that question, to quote Obama, “…is above my pay scale.”

So I was drinking Tequila yesterday, listening to Greenday, and watching waaaay too much Fox News, or as I call it “the weekday special” …maybe I should drink waaaay too much Tequila and avoid cable news all together. 

Post swallowing the worm (PSW), I decided against all reason to listen to Laura Ingraham and Newt Gingrich further distort reality over on Fox News—it’s better than ‘shrooms, man.  Watch them until you see the unicorn start flying.  That’s what I do.   Do you really think they have any answers for our future?  Newt is one of the smartest neocons out there and, boy, is he out there.  Responsible fiscal conservatism?  Well, they’ve never pulled that off yet, but this time things are going to be different, Honey. I promise.  If you equate the political process to domestic violence, it’s going to take seven more times before you morons leave them.  This is the average amount of times it takes a battered wife to permanently leave an abusive husband.  I sincerely hope that if I punch you all in the blogosphere enough, we can cut that number down to five.  So, five more elected Republicans…let’s just say, five more presidents, D or R, because it won’t make much of a difference at this point.  That’s still twenty-years of bad presidentin’ before people wake up.  I say twenty-years because I don’t see how anyone will be re-elected for a second term as we slip into the abyss.  But I’ve been wrong before…well, once.  I thought, for sure, Sanjaya would win American Idol. 

Fox has worked long and hard to reign-in independent thought, with considerable success.   Here’s a quote from the website Reality Sandwich that sums up my position nicely:

“This may even explain the attempt from 2001 through 2006 to turn the US into a surveillance state with a drastically weakened Bill of Rights. It was never about "terrorists" — it was about an unruly American public facing an end to their way of life in the coming years. Cheney, in particular, never hesitated to express his belief that democracy was too weak to stand in the modern world — by which I believe he meant a world without cheap oil. That also explains why the exiting Cheney warned the incoming Obama that the new president would thank him in the years to come for all of the power he and Bush had concentrated in the executive branch”

–Themon the Bard (no relation to Mott the Hoople)

I posted something like: “If you didn’t get the hint when Jimmy Carter pointed out that it’s time to get off foreign oil (yada, yada).”   But this week, Jon Stewart reminded us that it’s actually been since Nixon.  Eight presidents have said we must get off of foreign oil and they have all failed miserably.  Are they all working for Mr. Burns?  Why is Cap and Trade or a gas tax so terrible?  Because it will hurt Mr. Burns and it will hurt all of us during the interim.  But now that we are going down anyway, why not take alternative fuels seriously?  If this was a viable economy, you would have some argument to keep ripping Mother Nature a new one.  I mean, moving from the McMansion to the apartment, that sucked…but from the efficiency to the tent?  Hell, I call that camping.  Let’s go camping America!  You’re going camping either way, you might as well start accruing some good karma.  So why not make the tough choices so we survive as a country?   Damn you Sanjaya!  Oh, that’s right, because you can’t think for yourselves anymore.  Mr. Burns tells you what to think and, lo and behold, it jives with his agenda.  When all of our bank accounts are bare, it will be too late…you know, next week.

Besides, do you really think something different is going to happen after President Boehner’s inauguration (sorry, that was done for the shock value).   I have done whole articles on Fox’s group-think, but now Fox is saying liberals are the ones suffering from group-think.  (This was sparked by a rogue Beatle who recently dissed Bush.)  Fox had a very nice show this week wherein everyone kept repeating how liberals and Hollywood types suffer from group-think. It was called The Liberals and Hollywood Types Suffer from Group-Think segment.  While they kept repeating this phrase, a ticker display ran across the bottom saying, coincidentally, that liberals and Hollywood types suffer from group-think.  

I’ll bet ninety percent of the Foxeteers just happen to believe this now.  Imagine that…  Not that this is important, but they believe this wildly eclectic group of entertainers are the carbon copy of one another.  Of course, they really do all happen to agree with Fox each and every time, but that’s just a strange coincidence.

Frankly, put a microphone in front of anyone who is still angry about America’s demise, and they may not praise Incurious George too horribly much.  Imagine that…   Certainly many Hollywood types may be ill-informed but they happened to have nailed this one.   Sure MSNBC is tanking, but it’s not group-think.  Every morning Dylan Ratigan is railing against all government as if it has already collapsed (smart man), Rachel Maddow is trashing Obama for not being liberal enough, and approval ratings all over America are dropping (both D and R) faster than a Value Jet in a cloud burst.  Do you know how long it took Bush’s approval ratings to drop?  We were no longer a viable superpower when he left office and there still was—and still is—very little understanding about his part.  Today on Fox (7/2) Steve Forbes repeated, “It wasn’t Bush’s fault!” to the dismay of sentient creatures everywhere.  Pernick and the Crank blame the Freddie and Fannie 12% as the entire deficit picture, because that’s how they’ve been programmed. 

And, let me get this straight.  Generals of the U.S. armed services were OK with holding their tongues during the reign of George “bomb the wrong country” Bush, yet they freak out entirely when faced with some nuance?  Oh, that’s right, you all feel great when there’s a perception that someone believes what he is saying and that the cause is just.  You’re waiting for a Republican to swagger back into the White House so the ticker thingie along the bottom of your favorite cable news show reads, “You’re safe, we’re killing all the bad guys, our deficits don’t matter again.”  So you can go back to sleep and vote in the next retard.  Not the ‘Family Guy’ retard because that’s politically incorrect, but the more acceptable ‘Rush Limbaugh referring to a liberal’ retard.  You see, I don’t want to offend a certain Alaskan Governor retard (not the ‘Family Guy’ type retard).

I think this final piece actually sums up the fighting Foxeteers nicely: last week, some Indian swami was found to be fasting for some ungoldly amount of time.  He was under observation in a hospital for four days (with no food or drink) and he says he hadn’t eaten for years and he’s still happy, fit, and healthy.   The Foxeteers who covered the story, only talked about the military implications.  Not one mention—in the entire article—of something like, “Hey, maybe this guy has a deeper more meaningful understanding of the Universe.”  The article focused on, how can we exploit this technique, learn the secret, and then use it to kill more towel heads?  It’s really mental.  I can save them the trouble; it’s not going to work.  Once military personnel mediate as much as Swami Sam, getting them to kill is going to become increasingly difficult.  They will also shut off Fox News, which means…er, I really need to start meditating more.

Alex Bone’s new novel The Chronicles of Jack Primus will change your life!  It was powerful watching Bone’s main character Jack Primus grow from the kind of guy who would bash villains in the face with a steel pipe, to the kind of guy who would bash villains in the face with a six-pack of beer.  Talk about character development!

Alex Bone is HOT, and I’m not just talking about his stunning good looks.  This year was a breakout year for Mr. Bone, who also writes under the name Michael D. Griffiths, because the police are far too familiar with his alias. He’s published in several anthologies this year including, Big Book of Horror, End of Days, and The Book of Cannibals.  These are available at Amazon and Living Dead Press.  He just got book one of The Chronicles of Jack Primus published in 2010, but there is already interest in the second book in the series, and—if that weren’t enough—another publisher out of Boston is interested in his new Skinjumper series.  Perhaps, even more impressive, he is also a regular contributor for our beloved Daily Discord.  When I had the opportunity to sit down with Mr. Bone over a pint of ale last week, I asked, “With all of your recent success, why don’t you ever buy me a fucking beer?”  He bashed me in the face with a mug. 

There’s more than just a little Jack Primus in Mr. Bone.  Alex is a horror nut, who throws more zombies into his work than Rob Zombie on angel dust.   I met Mr. Bone about a year ago and, after only knowing him a few weeks, he got his hair cut (keep in mind he’s 7 feet tall and had very long hair).  Barely knowing him, I said, “Why did you cut all your hair off?  I always thought of you as more of a Viking type.”  Not knowing how he would react—would he be offended, cry, or bash me in the face with something again?  Instead, he said, “That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.”  Sad, but true…the story, as well as the fact that no one says nice things to him.

The Chronicles of Jack Primus rocks!  Although, I did try to talk Mr. Bone into calling it, Zombie and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, but he never listens to me (maybe it’s because the book doesn’t actually have any zombies in it).  The book opens in a psych ward, where Mr. Primus is a tech on the unit—a unit where something is definitely amiss. Very quickly, the protagonist is thrown into a dark world of the Xemmoni, a supernatural race of Lovecraftian aliens.  For those of you who don’t know what a protagonist is, I think it’s someone who doesn’t believe in zombies.  Surviving encounter after encounter, Jack learns that he is a Stalwart with powers of his own—powers from a certain deity that make him more difficult to kill than your average Joe.  These powers also give him the ability to sense these invaders.  Unfortunately, his enemies also share these powers.  Jack is just a babe in the woods, desperately outmatched and bent on finding out more about his new powers and this brave new world in which he finds himself.

Jack Primus soon embarks on a wild ride East across the country.  At first, Jack just wants to stay alive, but as he learns more and more about himself and his new found powers, he becomes a man on a mission.  He becomes determined to hit every brewpub en-route.  Oh wait, that was my cross-country mission.  Primus becomes bent on ridding the planet of these foul creatures lurking at the threshold.  And, they lurk in pubs too!  Which is even more disturbing to me, personally.  Jack Primus’s travels culminate in Boston.  Amidst the winding streets of Beantown, Jack stumbles into a bar called Grendel’s Den (oh, and for those of you who know me; yes, I’ve been there).  There, below street level in a cool bar off of Harvard Square, we find out more about Stalwarts, The Xemmoni, and the half-priced drink specials, weekdays from three to five.

I thoroughly enjoyed Book 1 of The Chronicles of Jack Primus, and if you’re only going to buy one book this year, make it Frankenhooker.  But, if you’re going to buy a second book this year, make it The Chronicles of Jack Primus.

Once again, you can find the book at Amazon, Hastings in Flagstaff, AZ, and Living Dead Press, or wherever all good horror books are sold…or, in our case, even bartered for ale.

Hi, my name is Art and I’m a libertarian.

[Room responds “Hi Art”]

Today, I am celebrating 387 days sane and centrist!

[Applause]

I come before you today to share my personal 12^th step in recovery – carrying the message to others.  My logical awakening was only possible through working this ideological-cleansing 12-step process.

Like many of you, I was seduced by the siren songs of personal liberty, limited, efficient government, and free market economics.  The soothing comfort of my nightly serving of libertarianism had a magical way of making the day’s problems disappear (or so it seemed).

Life under the tyranny of the Obama regime could suddenly be tolerated, if not accepted.  The IRS seemed less threatening.  Universal healthcare would probably not survive the inevitable Supreme Court challenge.

But soon I found myself needing more to cope with my anxiety.  One dose of basic libertarianism was no longer sufficient.  I needed the hard stuff and lots of it: Social Darwinism before dinner, unfettered environmental destruction with my meatloaf, target practice in public parks with my mashed potatoes…maybe even a nightcap of total anarchy!  I started circling the IRS in my Cessna…hell, I even watched the 700 Club once and caught myself saying, “You tell ‘em, Pat!”

[Nodding in empathy]

I was well on the path to ideologically-induced paranoia, or advanced IIP as it is know on certain acronym-laden websites (ALW).  Suddenly there were socialists everywhere!   Every act of compassion and fairness I witnessed was in fact a threat to the Constitution.  I even channeled Beck with a Ouija Board, until someone reminded me he wasn’t dead yet. I had to put a stop to this for the good of my country and the future of my children.  The only way out was…The second amendment.

[Gasps]

Only by baring arms outside the halls of indoctrination could I put a stop to this red menace.  I called upon the omnipotence of our libertarian forefathers to deal with these modern threats to freedom.  The Kenyan conspiracy must be stopped!  The election was a fraud. Obama had stealthily usurped power just as his mentor Adolph Hitler had done decades earlier.  If only Kenneth Star could uncover a sexual scandal, our long national nightmare would end…

I realized far too late that libertarianism was a gateway philosophy.  It seemed like such a harmless pleasure at first, something along the lines of the Ghetto Shaman’s Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise.  And surely a touch of radicalism couldn’t hurt, right?  Then, the next thing you know you’re watching Glenn Beck in your underwear and firing live rounds into the ceiling fan.

[Nods of understanding]

I’d witnessed others espouse the virtues of property rights and free markets and they seemed able to handle them.  How could I know that, for a certain percentage of the population, libertarianism could lead to AM talk-radio dependence, subscriptions to “National Review,” and endless 24 hour Fox News cycles?

[One woman runs sobbing for the door]

I had bottomed out.  I knew that I was powerless to recover on my own.  Fortunately, an LA member was discretely handing out pamphlets at a local Birther rally.  I attended my first meeting eighteen months ago.  I admit I’ve fallen off the wagon a few times since.  A couple of times I even snuck into a bar just to catch Hannity’s America.  I told my wife I was having an affair.

[More empathetic nodding and a burp which may have been unintentional]

I am now well on my way back to the rational world.  Freely elected legislative bodies are not a sign of the apocalypse.  Adding millions of poor people to the healthcare system is not the equivalent of burning the Constitution.  Mexicans, who cross the border looking for a better life, don’t need to be flogged in order to preserve the future of a white society.

Life in the rational world is your birthright!  The iron grip of the absurd ideology can be broken…but only by first confessing that alone you are powerless to fight it.

Thank you for allowing me to share.

[Standing ovation]

Let us close with the sanity prayer:

Mind, grant me the sanity
to reject any propaganda-based paranoia I cannot swallow;
embrace the rational beliefs of the center;
and the deductive reasoning to know the difference.

Studying one issue at a time;
analyzing one solution at a time;
accepting logic as the pathway to progress;
imagining, as George Will did, this dogmatic world
as it can be, not Hannitized for our protection;
trusting that we will make all things right
if they are subdued by our votes;
that we may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with others
‘til November do us part.
Ramen.

As a legal occupant of Azirona (citizen is too strong a word, it connotes some kind of active knowledge of all things Azironian), I decided that the rhetoric I have heard in the past few months on both sides of the question on Azirona’s new immigration law made it necessary for me to go down to the border and get the scoop myself.

To get information from illegal border crossers, I descended on the local Taco Bell for some value meal items to bribe them with. Once my Ram was filled with an assortment of all things Mexican, I headed south.  I first interviewed a local Sherriff, Buford Weinberg, of Cosha County, AZ.

When asked what was his issue with border security, he answered, “All dem Asians and Europeans a-sneakin across at night was a ruinin our great country.”

I hope I didn’t waste all my money at Taco Bell, I thought.  Maybe Panda Express would have been better.

I reached the border late at night and pulled the Ram into an area Sherriff Weinberg mentioned was a prime spot to encounter “Illegals.” Putting on the night vision goggles I got from my Cheerios box, I waited.  Many hours later, someone with a rather large backpack made his way toward me. It must have been the “Free Tacos” sign I painted on the back of the Ram. As he got closer, I noticed he was totting a hockey stick. As he entered the lit area, I also saw he was blond. He greeted me in English, but with a decidedly Nordic accent. As he sat down, he introduced himself as Ulf Vanninnenn. When asked why he was entering the U.S. illegally through Mexico, he said, “I was denied a hockey visa from our embassy in Finland, and wanted to play for the Phoenix Coyotes.”

When I explained that the Coyotes were a greatly improved team this year, he dejectedly asked me if New Mexico had a hockey team. When I said they did not, he turned back toward Mexico and walked away.

Soon, another figure became visible.

I called out “Free Tacos!”

A bewildered looking Asian couple appeared, and asked why I had no Panda Express. As they sat down to eat their tacos with chopsticks, I asked them why they were sneaking into the U.S from Mexico. They said they had heard that all the Mexicans were leaving the U.S., and that many menial jobs had opened up in the Chinese food industry, as it was widely known in China that Jewish people eat only Chinese food. I tried to explain to them that they might have better luck in the Scottsdale area.  They finished their tacos, and left.

Hungry myself, I sat down and swallowed three tacos whole, like a snake swallows a rabbit. Feeling rather gaseous, I let out an award winning belch, which echoed into the desert night, as a whale song does off the coast of “I can see Russia from my house.” I was smiling when I heard an answer—a monstrous belch echoing through the darkness. A belch from the depths of Hell!

A small figure appeared out of the darkness, and waved to me.

“Bonjiorno,” he said. I introduced myself and offered him some tacos. He stared at them obviously never having seen one. As I assumed from his accent he was Eyetralian.

I pointed and translated, “crispy sausage roll.”

He nodded to me as he took one, and thanked me.

When asked why he was crossing, he said, “I am Giorgio Scavetta, baker extraordinaire.”

I rose, and with tears in my eyes, I hugged him. He said he had heard that it was easier to get a gun in Azirona that it was to get good bread, and that he was here to “rescue the good people of Arrizzonna from such a fate.”  I told him to hide in the back of my Ram, and that I would personally escort this particular illegal back into Phoenix.

I saw no Mexicans going north that night, just a few heading back south. When asked why they were heading south, they said they all had felony warrants in Arizona, and that the new law scared them. They also said that Taco Bell was about as Mexican as Pizza Hut was Italian. 

“We dun nid no steenking tacos, gringo.”

This new law has no downside that I could see.  And, if the Coyotes keep playing well next season, it should keep out the Scandinavians. Oh, and I saw no Border Patrol, no fence, nothing. Uh, Nappy dear, as head of Homeland Security, you can send those National Guard south anytime now, bitch (or is it Bastard?)

The Crank