Funny, I said the same exact thing about methamphetamine.  This will be my last rant against Fox News and George W. Bush.  You don’t believe me?  Would I ever woefully mislead my fateful readership?  I’m not the Ghetto Shaman, for Pete’s sake.

I will ask this again…and again I won’t get an answer.  Besides pro-Mr. Burnses, short-term economic gains, what exactly have the Republicans both stood for and accomplished in the last few decades?  As I have said, ad nauseum, there is validity to aspects of their wish list.  They just seem the least likely people to accomplish any of them—at least historically speaking.

Why are people like BP CEOs, Mr. Burns over in Springfield, and the Foxeteers all on the same side of most issues?  Coincidence, or propaganda?  The last four Republican presidents increased the deficit 3x times more than the last four dems?  I know, I know, facts suck.  Funny, each of those “fiscally conservative” dudes went with that cutting taxes thing as the only plan.  For the last 8 presidents, we had to minus Obama, of course (because he came into power post-capitalism amidst a freefall).

It’s quite delusional to think that cutting spending alone is the only way to get out of gazillions in deficits.  England is an experiment starting right now.  They are doing it by cutting spending 80% and by raising taxes 20%.  Of course these days, U.S. Republicans would say cutting spending 100% is the way to go, because when you have Jesus, who needs math?  I kid the fundamentalists.  

We need to raise taxes 40 and cut spending 60, or some such, which drives the yes/no bunch crazy, but they’re already crazy.  Dems are against cuts and Republicans are against raising taxes. When you ask a Tea Partier what they would cut, they don’t know, because what they really want is all their current services without the taxes, which is even more delusional than the raise-taxes Dems. Another case of dumb and dumber. 

Also, my last post was actually about the media, Crank.  I never said this Black Panther thing is a non-scandal.  In fact, I made a point to say, “I really don’t have a clue what’s going on for this Black Panther scandal.” Of course, neither do you—you just don’t know it. But, Fox is never having to read the content.  This was the point: if this Black Panther thing is a scandal, since the media and the rule of law have tanked, good luck proving it.  I also said, with their current track record, Fox is likely to be proven wrong.  It’s another math thing.  We can’t call for the unplugging of Fox News, because there’s that pesky first amendment.  And surely there is a desperate need for a viable conservative news source.  Hey, let’s just shift Fox News over to Comedy Central!  Then it will be in the right category, and Jon Stewart can go over to where Fox is now.  A recent poll finds him more credible anyway.

But isn’t there any room in the mainstream media world for an intelligent version of republicana?  After all, it would shut me up (just think about that…).  Are they pandering to their bat shit base?  Mostly, Fox does what it does because it’s mind numblingly lucrative.  What’s striking is that Fox News is actually making fun of their audience, but the audience is the only bunch not in on the joke.  

And, yes, call me another lib nut but lying us into war is worse than supporting or not supporting a community organization gone awry (ACORN), and, YES, the politicization and destruction of the Justice Dept under Bush trumps some asshole having a misdemeanor dropped back in 2008 (under mysterious circumstances).  That’s all we really know right now about the Black Panther scandal to date. The only thing that really gets going during a Crank rant is the facts.   

Nowhere in my posts have I called the Tea Party racists, Mr. Crank.  Some racists reside within that group, of course, because of Spiral Dynamics.  Rep. Boehner (OH) actually had a great quote about this recently and I give him rare kudos for it. On the Dem side, Al-Qaeda and other tribal consciousness types are attracted to the Democratic Party.  Short version, Keith Olbermann can call the Tea Party ‘racist’ and Fox News can call liberals ‘terrorists’ with a hint of truth in each.  When you split a country into two main camps, all the levels of consciousness are divvied up rather poorly, which is why Ken Wilber and yours truly have advocated for more parties to be represented (examples: fundamental, entrepreneurial/scientific, progressive, and transcosmetic parties, etc.) It’s a developmental psych thing.  But is Fox too quick to jump in on the racial push back stories?

Someone on Fox said, “The big winner this week was Bill O’Rielly, who admitted he was wrong.”

No really, someone said that.  I’ll give you one hint which fair and balanced news network said it…

“There have been three big conservative outrages that have choked the airwaves over the past couple of weeks. #1 was about a bunch of scary black men, the New Black Panther Party. #2 was about a bunch of scary Muslims who want to build a triumphal mosque on the sacred soil of Ground Zero. #3 was about a vindictive black woman who works for the government and screws the white people she deals with. The running theme here is not just a coincidence.”

—Kevin Drum (blogger and columnist)

Oh goodness, one of these trumped up scandals hasn’t been debunked yet!  Ahhhhhhh!  The beauty of the Foxeteers is this: by the time the story is debunked, the ADD generation have already shifted this shell game to something else anyway.  It’s like that Zone episode, or was it an Outer Limits, where those people just keep building the sets of reality ahead of the main character.  The other two recent scandals are pretty much bullshit, or certainly not interesting: the Mosque is three blocks away from Ground Zero (that’s pretty damn far in Manhattan) and has actually been there in one form or another for decades, and we all know how the Sherrod thing ended.  Two reverse racist scandals down, one to go.  But that third one is an outrage!  Until that one goes tits-up as well, of course.  

So, let me get this straight, Mr. Crank, if this one Black Panther doesn’t feel the full weight of the law, all is apparently lost for Americana?  I know a Discordian who got two misdemeanors dropped this week and the world hasn’t fallen off its axis. Proven Republican scandals that will directly contribute to our collective demise = no biggie.  Mights, coulds, and maybes on the Dems side = an outrage, I say, an outrage.

You gotta love Hannity’s America.  No, you really do.  They’ll be back in power soon and they’re watching.  It’s amazing how the fighting 40% will go off half-cocked at any moment on the flimsiest of stories, but will ignore much more factual and impactual scandals.  Impactual is a word—one that even Sarah Palin would not refudiate.  

We currently have the vast majority of scientists in the world in agreement about global warming, but where else could you find nearly half a modern civilization unaware of this fact?  Or, more accurately, ignoring it entirely in the hopes it will not impact cheap energy and the American dream.  Sorry, Sean, the American dream is dead anyway, but why are you so insistent on taking the Earth with it?   As long as there’s one scientist left who will back your bullshit, let’s just roll those biosphereic dice one more time.

Conservative blogger Dennis Sanders asked on 7/26/10, why are moderates ditching the conservatives?

“The impulse here in the States among those on the right who are dissatisfied with the state of things, is to simply walk away. Whether its Brink Lindsey now touting a “libertarian centrism” or Tim Lee flirting with the left, the usual result of frustrated folks on the right is not to change things, but to leave and look for greener pastures. Why is that? Why is there no impulse to change the right?”

Doesn’t that bozo read Zano?

Oh, and let’s not forget David Frum in The Week 7/21 (conservative and former Bush speechwriter)

“When people talk of the ‘closing of the conservative mind’ this is what they mean: not that conservatives are more narrow-minded than other people — everybody can be narrow minded — but that conservatives have a unique capacity to ignore unwelcome facts.”

This inability to have any contact with the complete picture, as it relates to Earth and its inhabitants, makes 40% of our country dangerously goofy.  I’m not saying we should have a psychological assessment of some sort outside of every polling station.  That would be a terribly unconstitutional thing to do, but I’ve created one just in case.  It’s scratch and sniff, has proven measurable outcomes, and monkeys can be deployed to help administer the test.  Come on, it will be fun and informative. We can give the monkeys batons, which will piss off the right on so many levels.  

Bottom line, when a former Bush speech writer and a crazy-lib-Discordian such as myself are on the same page, you might want to at least climb into the same book.

OK, just one more time, I promise:

“It’s one other legacy [the deficit] of the Bush-Cheney years: by both bankrupting the country and grinding the US military into the barren dust of Iraq and Afghanistan, those two fools did more to weaken America internationally than any administration in modern times.”

—Andrew Sullivan The Daily Dish 7/23/10

That just slipped, I couldn’t help it.  OK, OK.   Deep breath….wait.  I can do this.

“Bush and Cheney defiantly should have definitely been indicted (For actions at Guantanamo Bay).”

—Andrew Napolitano (Fox New contributors 7/12/10)

OK, I need help.  I’ll admit it.  They say I got to go to blog-hab, but I said, “no, no, no.” But, look, most of these quotes are from this week and all of them are from conservatives!  Granted, respectable ones.  As more of the truth comes out, anger will only increase toward the architects of our downfall.   The nail on the chalk board you are hearing Crank is A.) pulling that lever for Bush (twice) and B.) the high likelihood you’ll pull that lever again for someone equally as destructive next time. Of course, you feel Obama is the main culprit. You’ve been programmed to feel that way. He is ranked somewhere in the middle, presidency-wise, while Dr. Two-terms is about last.  This won’t change much; they both may slip a little, but luckily for Bush, he can’t slip far.

The sound on the chalkboard that I am hearing is not pre-conventional and conventional thinking—those are inevitable in 2010.  The problem is those levels done badly.  As, I have said before, we need to pack the best and leave the rest.  There’s very little salvageable over at Fox News.  Oh, and Shep, if you’re listening, get out of the building when no one is looking.  I’ll have a car waiting in the alley.

Furthermore, I have always said things like the Constitution, The Bill of Rights, and the Justice Department, once bypassed, marginalized, or destroyed aren’t coming back.  This is where even Glenn Beck has a point.  These things died some time ago.  And you can try to revise history all you want, Foxeteers, but these things died on your watch…or, more accurately, when you were watching the swift boaters or some other shiny bouncing ball over on Fox News.

Deep breath…OK.  No more.  Never again…

Oh, Oh, wait! We just found out that Dick Cheney was totally responsible for…

This is CEO Pierce Winslow with a public service announcement: 

Mr. Zano’s Bush bashing continued for, uhh…I really don’t know how long, exactly, but I refused to increase the monthly bandwidth of this site to accommodate his ramblings.  The man has problems, and we should support him in this.  Though, I agree with the Crank that Mr. Zano should take a long break from politics, preferably indefinitely, I am refraining from out-and-out firing him, because each time I do he tends to submit even more material.  If anyone has any suggestions, please email us through our Contact Us Page.  And please don’t Ask the Ghetto Shaman.  He supports Zano, but only because he buys him beer.

The Iranian State news organization Islamic Republic News Agency (IRNA) concluded that Iranian nuclear scientist Shahram Amiri committed suicide last month in Tehran by impaling himself on a light pole while handcuffed.

According to IRNA, Amiri had recently escaped U.S. CIA agents after being kidnapped in 2009 while on a religious pilgrimage.  IRNA reported that Amiri has been subjected to repeated mental and physical torture at the hands of the CIA over the past year, and was apparently “extremely pleased” to be back home. 

“Yes, yes, it is very unfortunate thing that has happened to Amiri,” noted Javad Jahangirzadeh, a member of Iranian parliament’s National Security and Foreign Policy Commission (NSFPXJ).

Amiri apologized to the Great Satan, American media, as Iran does not have the lousy acronym joke thing down yet.

Jahangirzadeh went on to say, “Amiri must have suffered much from CIA mental torture, and see what has come of it?  He has killed himself.  It is all the CIA and U.S.’s fault, like global warming and alternate street parking.”

Alternate street parking is apparently an affront to Allah.  It is a deep belief in the more radical Muslim regions that most parking customs in the U.S. are the work of the devil.

“We keep getting tickets for this mysterious street sweeper, yet we never see this beast of a thousand scrubbers.”

According to those who discovered the body, Amiri had managed to climb to the top of a light pole in an open park in downtown Iran and impaled himself.

“Amazing to see how CIA agents drove him to this extreme act,” said Jahangirzadeh. “Amiri handcuffed his hands behind his back, beat himself over the head with a crowbar, then climbed all the way to the top of that light pole and eventually impaled himself.  There was no ladder, no way to get up there other than to climb while handcuffed. What determination!  We are calling him Hamidini in honor of your devil-worshipping magician Houdini: may the fleas of a thousand camels infest his rotting armpits.”

To date, the body of Amiri has not been removed from the light pole.

Jahangirzadeh was quoted as saying, “We will leave him there.  This way, the American CIA agents in this country can see what they have done to our Islamic brother and that will teach them.  Allah be with you, my brother.  May your 72 virgins keep that smile upon your face and that noose from your neck.  American bastards!  Oh, and beware of the beast of a thousand scrubbers.  And in the immortal words of your folk singer, Bob ‘Death to America’ Dylan, ‘watch the parking meters.’”

Have you heard the Black Panther voter intimidation scandal yet?  The Justice Department’s actions are shocking!  It seems they are especially shocking for Republicans who helped dismantle the Justice Department, brick by brick, in the first place.  None of you were outraged to find Bush had replaced 150 positions in the government—including several  key jobs in the Justice Dept from some Pat Robertson 4^th tier regent college—but you’re mad about this shit?  Are you kidding me? Have you ever seen the 700 Club?  I would bow to the zombie god of Karl Marx before I would ever watch an episode of that shit. 

And where exactly was your outrage under the steadfast leadership of Alberto (on good days I can spell my own name) Gonzales?   Oh, that’s right.  You are only outraged by mostly fictional events as choreographed by Fox News.  When things are actually happening you’re asleep at the switch.  Well, at least you’re consistent.  You see, I’m always trying to put things into perspective for the terminally wrong.   Sadly, perspective is something I’m convinced a certain forty-percent of our country will never have.  I’m only saying this because every place I go in AZ people repeat the nonsense espoused on Fox News as if it were the gospel.

I really don’t have a clue what’s going on for this Black Panther scandal.  That’s usually the case.  This scandal may be real or it may be Memorex (wow, I’m showing my age). Let’s say there really is something besides hot air to this voter intimidation story. The Crank has a very compelling argument for why this is a grand conspiracy (totally verbal, not in post form yet, and NO, that wasn’t a real interview with the Zanpire in that last post. Geesh.  Give me some credit). 

Fox News usually does have a compelling argument, until you research it.  Obviously something stupid was happening at a certain PA polling station in 2008 by a person I have concluded is, in fact, an asshole.  Is the Justice Dept ignoring something due to lack of interest?  Or is this some deep-seeded reverse racist tale of woe and deceit?  Well, Fox has been crying wolf for so long now, I don’t know what to think. Most of their outrage is tailored to their less than stellar audience and their facts are usually trumped-up or bald faced lies.  So how are any of us to know anything these days?  AKA, when some real presidency-ending  scandal emerges (PESE), who’s going to believe it? The “lame stream media” really isn’t covering the negative Obama stories with near as much vigor as Fox News, and Fox is 50% bullshit.  So, with a Dem in power, we are totally relying on morons for our news (which apparently only bothers me). 

We may actually be on the same side on this scandal, but I’m just not that interested in the developmentally disabled version.  Their reporting sucks and their conclusions are generally wrong.  This has been my clarion call all along.  It’s precisely why Republicans need to clean their own house first.  I started getting on Keith Olbermann day three of the Obama administration.  I would get on him more if reality started resonating with the other side.  But why try to fix the sink when the kitchen is on fire? Thus far attacking the Dems (dumb) will only net us Republican representatives (dumber).  You’re not exactly incentivizing me here.

For some historical context, the Justice Dept was bought and sold under Bush.  It was completely politicized and damaged beyond recognition to the point where even John Ashcroft thought they were nuts (Hint: he was about as stable at the Wyrd Sisters on Crystal Meth).   So is it possible that Obama bent this already defunct department to do his own bidding?  Sure, but please let someone with credibility cover the story.

How did we reach this terrible journalistic morass?  Here’s the recap kids: Walter Cronkite was a great journalist way back when.   And then Dan Rather and his ilk really started wearing their philosophy on their shirt sleeve, which inadvertently opened the doors for Fox News to come in and save us from reason. They tried to balance the “so called” liberal media with 24 news cycles of completely skewed nonsense.  I say, “so called,” because back then they actually covered the news (aka, it was hard to tell they were liberal). 

Fox sank the media to a level not ever seen before (not since 1930s Germany anyway).  In the last few years, MSNBC is sinking to Fox’s level. They feel justified in this descent as they are trying to be a counterweight to Fox’s rightwingedness (that’s a real word Microsoft word grammar check people).  MSNBC hasn’t reached Fox’s level, not by any stretch, but they do tend to ignore stories that don’t jive with their ideology.  End result, we have slipped into a media abyss.  Now Jon Stewart is the most trusted name in news.  Doesn’t that say something?   Everyone has chosen sides, so no one is fact checking things anymore and, as I have said a thousand times, if the only one “looking out for you” is Bill O’Reilly, jump off a bridge already.  Who’s the unbiased authority in the media nowadays?  Except Mick Zano, of course, truly a god among men.

You don’t have to look any further than the Daily Discord to see what’s happening.  Someone has to balance the Pernicks and the Cranks of the world, so I find myself covering the same stomping ground with the not-so-dynamic duo.  So I now fell victim to one of the world’s greatest blunders (what movie?). 

It was AWESOME to see Art Fenski’s recent post Breaking with the tea party and all things Lipton.   Here’s a guy who decided I will only reach a certain level of libertarianism and refused to take that last step toward the bonkers brigade on the right.  Know hope. 

Back to the, er…scandal.  Not sure what this scandal is exactly.  It may be something huge, and it may be more bullshit.  In the immortal words of that Tootsie Pop owl, “the world may never know.” (man, I’m showing my age again). But the last twenty Fox scandals didn’t amount to much.  Actually Bush scandals tend to get worse over time and the right’s scandals, as embellished on Fox News, tend to go all Acorn on us.  The investigations that actually matter don’t seem to occur anymore, on both sides, which should bother us all. 

I’m going to put reality into perspective one more time for the Gipper (someday this argument is going to resonate with someone):

1. Bombing wrong country (OK)
2. Overturning the Bill of Rights (whatever)
3. Death squads, torture, and secret prisons (well, that’s for the bad guys)
4. Black asshole at polling station back in 2008 (ahhhhhhhhhhh! AHHHHHHHHHHhhhh!   AHHHHHhhHHhhHhhHhhHHhHh!)

You may be asking, how did you turn another story into a Bush bashing extravaganza, Zano?  Well, it’s an innate talent.  But really, I can’t find the truth anymore and that’s actually been the real story of our time and I seem to be the only one covering it.   You can’t find the truth anywhere.  You can certainly find facts to justify your position, any position.  And the people most sure of the truth these days  are typically the most wrong.  Coincidence?  I don’t think so. 

The problem is, anything that jives with your own ideology, left or right, gets a free pass from the sniff test.  We’ve all lost anything resembling objectivity.  Most of what we see on TV is lies.  Except America’s Home Videos. Many of those clips are real.  Who would willingly get hit in the nuts that hard?  OK, some of those bits are contrived, but it’s a better truth-to-lies ratio than cable news. 

Look at the Acorn scandal: that organization is now closed and I never really cared either way, but remember that undercover videotape that took them down?  It seems all of it was complete and utter bullshit.  The video was refuted by Rachel Maddow on MSNBC, point for point, in a well thought out manner.  Now, I am smart enough not to believe everything as seen on MSNBC and I’m also smart enough not to believe about anything on Fox News.  So how are we supposed to have a revolution with no facts? Most of you should be picking up your guns, but not many of you have figured out why, exactly.  That’s a tad problematic.  The Tea Party should consider this before their next Facebook meeting.  Of course, they won’t because they’ve already made up their mind.   That’s not a typo…”their mind” is one with a certain cable news network.  It’s like a retarded Borg or something. 

The following is a one-on-one interview with Mick Zano, or the Zanferatu of the Daily Discord. While I feel strongly that the Discord readers must begin to understand the real Zano, it was taking place during a particularly great short-skirted blond interviewing another great short-skirted blond on Fox News, so I was somewhat distracted.

Crank: Hello Mikko

Mick: Huh?

Crank: I want to ask you some questions about your real feelings.

Mick: I don’t have ‘real feelings.’ I live vicariously though my pet hamster.

[awkward silence]

Crank: Well, I have suffered through the Discord almost daily since its inception.  I can honestly say that I have real misgivings about your ability to oversee such an important news destination.

Mick: I don’t oversee shit, blame Winslow.

Crank: You seem to excel at blaming.  First off, with your constant bloviating about how bad the right is, do you have concrete ideas that would change things for the better?

Mick: oh, yes………..

Crank: well?

Mick: Uh, wut? Oh, well Bush was very bad…evil, in fact.

Crank: Sure, but what do you think we as a country should do to improve our current situation?

Mick: First, we must all acknowledge the fact that Bush was bad, very bad, and let’s not forget Cheney.  He was bad too. If we all do this, together, perhaps in the form of a collective sonnet or epic poem, things will undoubtedly change for the better.

Crank: Look, the Tea Party people believe that we should as a nation spend less, tax less, and concentrate on our basic beliefs of smaller government, family values and thrift. What would you say would be better?

Mick: Tea Baggers are bad, stupid, racist and, did I mention, bad?

Crank: Do you think Obama is on the right track?

Mick: No, Obama is getting pretty bad too…

Crank: Who would you think would do a better job?

Mick: Someone that was…well…much better. We are on the track for total annihilation of America as we know it, which, more importantly may impact my personal ability to acquire specialty coffees and Belgian beers.

Crank: Do you believe we can be saved?

Mick: In a word, no.  In two words, no way.

Crank: That’s it?

Mick: Yes. I don’t know what is right; I am just an expert on what is wrong. It is my life’s burden to know when something is wrong—identify it, pointed out, and add witty dialogue for the amusement of others.

Crank: Well, what exactly IS wrong?

Mick:  Everything.  It’s all wrong, all of it.

Crank: Mikko, you always state in your columns that you feel the right has “wrapped themselves in the flag,” and that they are wrong to claim that they are patriotic.

Mick: Oh yes, they all think that they are the only ones that are patriotic.

Crank: Did you attend any Fourth of July festivities this year?

Mick: Fireworks were outlawed in my town. Too dry.  And, besides, you can blow off an appendage.  There’s only one appendage I want blown.  I do see fireworks then.  That’s arguably patriotic.

Crank: Do you own a flag?

Mick: Well, no, too difficult to assemble…and the folding—God, the folding.

Crank: Have you ever worn anything red white and blue?

Mick: No, I am more of a grey person.

Crank: Do you love your country?

Mick:  It’s more of a platonic thing. I get a place to live and, of course, it has helped me reach this stunning level of intellect. 

Crank: Thank you for this revealing interview. Can I switch back to Fox News now? Megyn Kelly is wearing a mini…OhOhhh, say can you see?

Crank