Fox News now represents 42% of all media news sources combined! Or as I call it, the Red Badge of Discourage. I can tolerate Chris Wallace, Shep Smith is a likeable goof, and I have even warmed up to the Red Eye crew.  But, truth be told, I only watch their late night antics when my wife throws me out of bed.  So, actually, I’ve been watching a lot of Red Eye lately.

42%!!  Was it not Douglas Adams who told us 42 is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?  I, for one, don’t believe in Synchronicity, which is why I have now called for the burning of all Police albums.  They will feel the wrath of this 42-year old Discord staffer’s Sting. Or, as the Ghetto Shaman tells us don’t blog so close to me, bitches!  Sorry.

I had the distinction of talking to fellow Discordian, Pokey McDooris the other night.

He said, and I quote, “I only listen to AM radio now and I have never seen things more clearly.”

Er, and he wonders why we haven’t featured his posts lately.

I have a sneaking suspicion this “clear vision” of his is paid for by some billionaire in Texas.  We use to argue, circa five or six years ago, about the end of America. He had his version and I had mine.  I talked about torture, secret prisons, the unprecedented growth of the executive branch, and the coming economic collapse.  He talked about guns and his own freedom of speech.  Thankfully, I shot the bastard while cursing him out (hint: still legal in my state).

Sorry, but I think the movement that should’ve been started in America five or six years ago was hijacked by morons.  Look, just because my tent is rather small at .00000000001 of the population, doesn’t mean I don’t think there’s room in my Grinchy little heart for up to .0000000002 of the population.  Now accepting applications.

And I don’t think the Tea Party is racist.  Sure, racism represents about 10%, but so what? 10% of liberals think Nancy Pelosi is doing swell. The Crank is right to expose this misuse of the race card.  Meanwhile, Pokey thinks the main Tea Party mantra involves immigration reform.  I actually agree with Pokey and the Crank on aspects of immigration reform (hint: there’s more to it).

Here’s why I think 18% of America (the Tea Party) stands for the least insightful bunch.  Does that mean they’re all dumb?  Hell No!  As I have said, many times, if they grow up, I will join them—or, I’ll even join the Christine O’Donnell version, otherwise known as wank it and they will cum.

The Tea Party has figured out, finally, that there is something very, very wrong with this Norman Rockwell painting we call America.  So they are ahead of those factions still in the dark.  But here’s where they lose most of their legitimacy, credibility, and just about anyone with blood flowing freely into their frontal lobes. 

How to fix the Tea Party in 10 easy steps:

1. No more developmentally disabled keynote speakers.  Any future party leaders must have his or her GED (minimum).  OK, OK, in the interest of compromise, they must at least be able to spell GED.
2. Your ‘movement’ can’t vote for Bush twice (you know you did) and then claim twelve hours into the Obama administration that America’s broken (hint: it happened before then).
3. You can’t say ‘pox on both your houses’ and vote in the next dangerous dimwit with a Pledge to America that should make even Cheney wince.
4. You can’t say you’re for the economy and support all the Bush tax cuts.  Especially when, each and every economist not paid for by Fox will tell you they are the single greatest deficit creators EVER.
5. On that note: you can’t vote for Republicans to restore fiscal conservatism when they grew the deficits over the last 40 years more than twice as much as the Dems (Sorry, but Obama doesn’t count.  Capitalism ended in 2008).
6. You also can’t vote in the next Republican under the delusion of wanting a smaller government when no one in history EVER grew the U.S. Government more than George W. Bush.  Sorry…facts again, terrible stuff.
7. You can’t have Fox News champion your movement, period, because they represent journalism’s emotional support class.  Sorry…reality again.
8. Finally, your mantra can’t be this: bad economic times are not a good time to have ANY taxes.  Oh, and good economic times are not a good time to have ANY taxes.  That philosophy has worked wonders on helping me pay off my personal credit card debt.

I know, I said ten easy steps, not eight, but since most of you aren’t into the whole math-thing, that was an attempt at solidarity—which, as Colbert tells us, brings us to Tonight’s Word:

MORONS.

I’m kidding!  I love you guys and the barely-literate bumpkins you vote-in on.  Ultimately you must distance yourselves from Fox and distance yourselves from the Republicans, or you’re just a bunch of dupes for the biggest dopes. 

Look, I don’t like the Dems either.  I was the original ‘pox on both your houses’ guy, remember?  But trust me on this one, the Tea Party will only hasten our demise.  But, hey, I’ve been wrong before—probably that Crank being right part.  Talk about going out on a limb.

The one thing positive to come out of the Obamarama election, ONE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT, was the whole racist thing might finally go away like a persistent case of Herpes Simplex II after the Zovirax treatment (…or so I’m told). Instead, the liberal progressive camp of refrigerator white bearded bald, muscle-less do-gooders (yes, that is a personal attack) has managed to set civil rights back a millennium or two.  Not to mention those embarrassing breakout sores.

If I wuz a minority—which being the world’s only beige gorilla does, in fact, make me—I would be crazy mad at the left. They have made the term “racist” virtually meaningless, much like any given Zano feature.  Having attended a high school in the late sixties/early seventies, which was about 30% minorities, I have seen REAL racism. Disliking the President’s liberal-progressive agenda is NOT racism.

My first meeting with a black senior on my first day as a freshman went something like that scene in Blazing Saddles where the wagon-trainers come upon some Indians.  The natives end up letting the black family go.

“Schvartzes?  They’re darker than us!” said Mel Brooks as the world’s only Jewish Indian Chief. Meanwhile, I was approached for money in the hall. 

The “lead minoritite” as it were, said to me (in the lingo of the period) that I didn’t look at all like the Irish/Polish/German students that made up the majority. I was somehow darker, not Hispanic, yet not black. After telling him I was one of only six Sicilian/Italian descended students in this whole facility, he said I was a bigger minority than he was.  He slapped me five (after all, it was the sixties) and left.

Soon, however, racism would rear its ugly head…real racism. It came to the point when I was forced to choose sides, and I went Black (and never went back). They welcomed me readily, while the “whites” never fully accepted me. And as a fat Sicilian in a school full of tall athletic western European-types, I was happy to be the Deputy Spade, as it were (sorry, Mel Brooks again).

“You don’t like Obama ‘cause you’re a racist.”

No, I don’t like him because he is liberal progressive, running a country mainly just right of center…

“You don’t like the Healthcare bill ‘cause your racist.”

No, it’s because it’s a miserable fucking bill that tried to placate everyone, and ended up being good for no one.

After hearing this shit for a year and a half now, the terms racist/racism have become the “white noise” of the new world order, and that, my fellow Discordians, is a very bad thing indeed (for an example of other bad things, see any Zano feature).

I knew that when they had little left to argue about and when they had used up all the personal insults, the Dems would pull the old race card…

(Speaking of personal insults, Mikko is not permitting me to reply to his reply of my reply to which I can no longer reply, or something like that.  Just like Lord Mel said in a different movie, I guess it’s good ta be da King.)

Now, as the resident ‘piss boy,’ it’s time empty this happy bucket of steaming love.  It still surprises me how far the Dems went with the race card. The aforementioned ghost white scholastic dweebs that are the left’s spin doctors, as well as the “faux minorities” in our media, have managed to cancel out just about all of the good done in the name of race equality.  Remember, MLK got shot for this shit. They are effectively delegitimizing the deaths of many others in the minority, some who have died for this cause. And they did this not for some noble purpose, they did it for egos, politics, and money (which is also the little known sequel to that Warren Zevon song).

Shame on all of you!

 (Er…except Warren Zevon).

I record Fareed Zakaria GPS every Sunday morning on CNN religiously.  Well, I don’t complete the mechanics involved personally; I have people for that.  OK, my 11 year old does it, but she is gradually teaching me how to use my DVR.  Granted, last week’s lesson went poorly, but she did teach me the proper acronym, DVR (apparently, it’s not a VCR or a DVD, it’s some type of alien hybrid). 

This week Zakaria cemented my opinion of him.  He is an integralist.  He’s smart, savvy, and can see all perspectives with a stunning clarity (aka, he has no business being on cable television).  He is a second tier thinker, which of course will inflame the sensibilities of the senseless (aka, the Sean Hannitys of the world).  I don’t know if Fareed reads Ken Wilber, or even buys into my Spiral Dynamics perspective, regardless, I have a new journalistic BFF.  

Zarkaria enraged everyone recently with an article in Newsweek, wherein he spelled out what was done right and what was done wrong on the War on Terror.  He was able to succinctly list what Bush nailed and where Bush failed (aka, he pissed off everyone,  man after my own blog).

This week he started his show (GPS) by saying, “We are so polarized we cannot even have a rational discussion on anything anymore.”

Bingo! Welcome to my virtual world.  It’s easy to find an argument between fundamentalism (blue), entrepreneurial/scientific (orange), and liberalism (green).  But if you want to see an integralist (turquoise) referee this three ring circus, check out Fareed.

During his show, it becomes easy to identify these various perspectives and see precisely when these various perspectives slip off the cliffs of insanity.  Last week, he orchestrated a debate between four individuals on the War on Terror, but only Zakaria made any sense whatsoever. 

The Weekly Standard guy (the neocon) could not see where the psychology of fear is working against U.S. interests, or how in many ways we overreacted after 9/11.  Uh, invading the wrong country, destroying the Bill of Ri…never mind.  It’s not going to sink in anyway. Fear and anxiety stokes Fox and Friends.  They will never get off fear or fossil fuels (the three Fs); it’s their life’s blood. Anyway, the guy mumbled something about how our response to 9/11 was, indeed, proportionate and he couldn’t really think of an example where we might have overdone it.  Wow.  And here I thought Republicans were against rampant marijuana use.  I need to party more at The Weekly Standard.  Hydroponics, baby!

Next up, Fareed’s liberal guest proceeded to say the threat from Al-Qaeda and terrorism is “virtually non-existent.” The guy really said that. In an age when Iran is about to have nukes? In an age when one suitcase in Times Square and it’s goodbye Big Apple, hello charred core?  Non-existent?  Really?  Do you know how hard it is to sound dumber than a neocon?  You just managed. 

Now, if you listened to Zakaria’s account of the pros and cons of the War on Terror, it was dead on.  He accurately listed where we did well and where we erred.  After praising Bush for a few items, he discussed where we clearly overreacted to 9/11 and listed those consequences.

This prompted Sean Hannity over on Fox to respond thusly, “How does someone that dumb get a show?” 

Yes, arguably the least insightful TV host just razzed someone arguably the most insightful.  Isn’t it Alanis, don’t you think?

When I say most of America can be wrong on certain issues, more accurately, they only see part of the issue—the part that resonates with their ideology/level/meme (whatever you want to call it, but Spiral Dynamics color codes it for your enjoyment).  Each of these levels has an inherent blind spot the size of our deficit.  80% live in these extreme lands.  Most seem quite happy there.  It’s a medicated happy, but happy nevertheless.

My own blog-versary, The Crank, believes most people are actually in the center of most issues.  I don’t.  Conversations in my personal life either follow the MSNBC/liberal track, or the Fox/neocon track.  Everyone is, for the most part, following these two playbooks way too closely.  Objective thinkers are becoming increasingly rare.  Even most Discord contributors are following one playbook or another.  Our own constitutional scholar here at the Discord, Rick Pernick, will not mention the six to five ruling last week over at the 9^th Circuit Court of Appeals, which deems all of Bush’s crimes “state secrets” not subject to investigation.  

Why isn’t this news for the founding father/Constitutionalists out there?  Pernick seems to have an endless supply of well-researched and well-cited posts (at least on any given Fox-approved-topic).  This decision last week solidified executive power more than any other court decision in modern history.  Hey, let’s start a Tea Party!  The Star Chamber power the executive branch now wields in this country is virtually untouchable.  Today, we live in a very different country.  Let’s call it a banana republic. Meanwhile, Mr. Pernick and the Cranks of the world keep championing only those issues important to the five rich guys in our nation.  The same five guys who plan to become even richer on our own country’s shortsightedness. 

Here’s why I pick on our friends over at the Tea Party rally.  For an equation only a Foxeteer could love (or understand), try this one on for size:

Fox News 2008: Ron Paul is an idiot

The Tea Party 2009: Ron Paul is a God

Fox News and the Tea Party 2010: If only people had listened to us about Ron Paul back in 08’

Only Glenn Beck, a chalkboard, and a pitcher of mojitos can make sense of that one.  You know who said Ron Paul actually had some good points in 08’?  A soon to be Tea Party keynote speaker, perhaps?  Some Crank somewhere?  No….MICK ZANO!  That’s who.  I’m starting my own Tea Party of one, and none of you are invited!  And, yeah Mrs. O’Donnell, you better keep the door shut, I’ll be masturbating.

Still not convinced both sides are off the mark?  On one hand, Republicans want all the services, all the tax cuts, and a reduced deficit.  Yes, they’re our special politicians.  Meanwhile, they are the best at growing governments, deficits, and tyranny.  And they do it to the cheers of their bat shit base, who supposedly stand for the exact opposite (figure that one out).  On the other hand, liberals can’t see where borrowing trillions and creating tiers of senseless government bureaucracies can be counterproductive to our fiscal futures.

But here’s the depressing thing, 80% of you read and comprehended only one of those last two points.  How many people really understand why both parties are wrong for America?  You might say 20%.  If so, you would be wrong.  The last 20% are probably doing something they’re afraid, if elected, Christine O’Donnell will soon make illegal. 

Drop the Kleenex.  And get off the babysitter! 

I think if our leaders don’t embrace integral thought soon, it’s all over.  And I’m afraid Obama has proven to be more of a liberal than an integralist, but not for the reasons espoused daily over on Fox News (hint: that’s mostly bullshit).  Here’s the problem.  He has his moments, but Obama is far too pluralistic most days to stand up for what’s right.  The mosque debate is just the latest example. It’s OK to be the only adult in the room.  Really Mr. President, it’s OK.  Pluralism has its place, if used as directed, but if abused…

Where I often say nobody’s right if everybody’s wrong, a liberal pluralist would say everybody’s right and nobody’s wrong.  That’s wonderful.  It’s all about not hurting anyone’s feelings. Sure…you can all give yourselves trophies—trophies made of sticks and mud when this place becomes the next Bangla-fucking-desh.

Depressing, isn’t it. Luckily, we have someone like Fareed on the scene now.  He’s going to move folks in the right direction.  Zakaria’s thoughtfulness and style may resonate with more and more people in the same way that my posts don’t—but, hey, read my stuff anyway.  It keeps me off the streets, which is a good thing.  Mr. Z is going to need our support over on CNN.  Making sense out there these days will create a tremendous backlash from the talking heads, left and right.  Hang in there, pal.  Be the rider on the storm, the Lizard King, and whatever other Doors reference floats your boat.  Watch him America, watch him and learn.  Like any good medicine, it might taste bad going down, but a bunch of it and you can catch a good buzz!   Now if you’ll excuse me, just one more time before it’s illegal.

Zakaria and Zano 2012.  Just to egg on those Mayan Gods.

The recovery summer, the love child of Barack Obama and Joseph Biden, has gone to the big government program in the sky.  Little Stimuleena was only three months old.  There will be no open casket for this one, folks.  You could lose your lunch.  Oh wait, you can’t afford lunch anymore.  Nevermind.

A proud parent, Joseph Biden, announced Stimuleena’s birth on June 10^th.   He expected her to have a full and rewarding life.  In spite of six weeks of milking the teets of taxpayers, the pork-fat that was consumed by the parents before, during, and after conception was apparently too much for the fetus to handle.

While most experts were skeptical Stimuleena could survive after birth, her parents were certain Obamacare would sustain her. Since the cost of medical care would no longer be an issue, the good taxpayers of America could pay dearly to sustain her.  After all, they had no choice.

Stimuleena is survived by her parents, Barack and Joseph; several god-parents, Rahm Emanuel, Christina Romer, Timothy Giethner, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid; numerous step brothers and sisters that reside in the democrat party; but no siblings…yet.

With the advice of co-god-parent Christina Romer, Barack may be planning the birth of another recovery child fund fest, Lollapelosi?  This time they were advised to increase the fat, and milk the teets less, to improve the longevity of their next love-child beyond November 2012 (when Barack will be seeking his second term as president).  We do not yet know if Hillary Clinton will be solicited to be the surrogate mother, although nine out of ten mental health professionals are discouraging this move.

Services will be held in private, with Barack Obama not yet willing to publically accept the loss.  Stimuleena’s body will however be maintained in a cryogenic state alongside Walt Disney’s head, in the minute hope Obamacare will find a cure sometime in the Futurama.