Cairo, EG—In lieu of exile, President Mubarak has chosen to be placed in the King’s Chamber, located in the heart of the Great Pyramid of Giza, surrounded by family, friends, and his cabinet.

“This is not about me,” said Mubarak, “But the Great Pyramid of Mubarak does have a nice ring to it, eh?”

“I don’t want to cause a fuss,” continued Mubarak. “So let my legacy show I was a man of compromise. Look, King Tut got one and he ruled less than a decade, pussy. I should get three pyramids by that math! It’s not like I’m asking to be put up over in the Valley of the Kings or something. The rent over there is ridiculous.”

To ease the transition, the U.S. has offered to put Mubarak up in the Luxor in Vegas, but the President is adamant about remaining in Egypt.

“Exile is not what it is used to be,” said Mubarak. “No, I think that me, the Great Pyramid, a flat screen, a fridge, and some cold ones and I’ll be good to go.”

If his demands are met, he plans to restore the Internet to Egypt on his last day in office,.

“Oh, but Ethernet cable will need to be run for sure,” added Mubarak. “According to my IT guys, WiFi will be virtually impossible under six-million tons of limestone.”

New York, NY—Upon hearing of yet another study supporting the notion Fox News is not journalism, the Supreme Being acted.   Many feel Fox has reached absurd levels of misinformation, and that they are a joke, a joke designed to strike Discord at the heart…  OK, this does sound like us, but hear us out. Regardless, the powers that be saw fit to send three journalistic ghosts to Rupert Murdoch’s mansion in an attempt to change the CEO of Fox’s evil ways.  Or at least that was the plan.

Neighbors report hearing the sound of chains dragging and clanging, and some haunting cries before the spectral form of Walter Cronkite came bolting from the residence like a banshee.

“He seemed very distraught,” said a neighbor, who witnessed the incident but asked to remain anonymous. “It wasn’t the usual “my life ended tragically” kind of thing.  This was more of an ‘it just happened, sheer terror egress’ kind of thing. I’ve never seen a ghost look so upset.”

The effectiveness of the visit remains in question at this hour, but Cronkite allegedly texted the Ghosts of Journalism Present and Journalism Future right after the episode.  The full text, though initially classified, was released on WikiLeaks:

OMG! Murdoch is f-ing nuts. Abort! Rendezvous at Olbermann’s place

XOXO

Whereas the majority of the text message is self explanatory, the XOXO remains disturbing to many who knew Cronkite personally and never suspected he was so touchy-feely.

Cairo, EG—From the beginning, the Ghetto Shaman World Tour (GSWT) was plagued with problems. The recent upheaval in Egypt was the last camel straw.  Following citizen uprisings in Tunisia, Algeria, and Yemen, civil unrest in Jordan and the Kurdish section of Syria, and now Egypt, Daily Discord CEO, Pierce Winslow said “enough is enough.” 

“It’s no coincidence all this political unrest spawned within days of each of the Ghetto Shaman’s tour stops,” said Winslow. “I’m all for stirring the pot, but I don’t want the Discord’s GSWT to become the Franz Ferdinand of World War III.  Besides, I told the bastard not to do the Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day bit. Moron.”

While not confirmed, reports suggest Winslow received a threatening phone call from Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.  It’s also been reported “Mossad” was mentioned several times during the call.

Homeland Security states it will not lower the current threat level until the Shaman is safely back in his sweat lodge.

Seattle, WA—As for caffeine, Starbucks has always pushed the legal-limit envelope.  Sure there’s no legal limit for caffeine, but Starbucks represents the poster child for why we will eventually need one.  Before today, there were only such trendy sizes as Short (tiny), Tall (small), Grande (medium), and Venti (large). But America is all about supersizing shit, so Starbucks broke out their trusty Italian dictionary and came up with another swank word for ridiculously-oversized. Their new extra-large, the Gigantesco, translates as—we don’t know exactly—but it’s probably synonymous with permanent insomnia.  It represents 146 oz of specialty coffee with 24 shots of blood-pressure-enhancing espresso.  It’s nearly 3x the size of 7-11’s Big Gulp and you need to sign a waiver when you order it.  Oh, and financing is available for those who qualify.

A Starbucks’ spokesperson told the press today their new drink “has enough caffeine to give a rhino a schizophrenic break.”

By the way, this may well end up being the corporation’s new motto. 

They would also like to add, “Fuck you, Red Bull.”

Competitors over at Seattle’s Best argue the validity of Starbuck’s rhino analogy.  They believe the rhino in question would have to have had a predisposition for schizophrenia.

Starbuck’s maintains they are just trying to give Americans what they want, the jitters.  This is a fast-paced world, and it’s about to get even faster.  Head to your nearest Starbucks today and bring a friend…no really, it takes two people to carry it out.

Beebe, AK—Reports of birds dropping from the sky continue across south central U.S. Historic documents indicate massive bird droppings on Mayan temples have occurred as far back as the pre-classic period in Mesoamerica.

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Garage, believes “Mayan temples are just part of the story. We should not forget the numerous avian assaults throughout prehistory on outer Turdistan.”

These droppings are not dotting patterns usually associated with flock feces; these are massive coordinated attacks on the same area. Dr. Hogbein reports having watched the pigeon-shit-scene from Mel Brooks’ High Anxiety ad nauseum and concluded, it is not as good as Blazing Saddles.

Experts confirm, along with fish kills, massive bird droppings are the first sign of the end of times as prophesized by the Mayan calendar. Incidentally, these items are now discounted for obvious reasons.

As for the Four Riders of the Apocalypse, turd falls under the jurisdiction of Pestilence, who “prefers bird waste for its high levels of uric acid and its ability to fatally infect the lungs of most mammals,” said Pestilence. “Turd is win-win.”

Dr. Hogbein believes the source of these larger droppings are monstrous mythical creatures known as the Chaos Pigeons. He also links these titanic turd sightings (TTS) to the phenomenon known as Crap Circles—a story that original broke on The Daily Discord in September of this year.

Boston, MA—The boa constrictor, Penelope, has surfaced at a busy Boston subway stop not far from where it slithered off its owner’s neck last week.  The snake disappeared on the Red Line of the T, or the L, or the Tube, or whatever the hell the name of Boston’s subway system is. 

Subway officials offered this statement: “We’re just glad the snake could adapt to life in Boston during a recession.”

When discovered, the snake had accrued over $67.43 in change.  Unfortunately, the snake did develop a serious meth addiction during its absence and has been irritable and moody, since her rescue. Whereas Mrs. Moorhouse is pleased Penelope was recovered unharmed, she has received several threatening phone calls from her pimp, Big Freddy Jazz, demanding the snake’s immediate return.  Moorhouse is also concerned the snake’s rehab stay will not be covered by the Massachusetts state Medicaid program.

“Boston is liberal,” said Moorhouse.  “But it aint that liberal.  And, as for the picture, I don’t even remember watching the Harry Potter series with Penelope, maybe she read the books.” 

Samuel L. Jackson was quoted as saying “Keep these mother fuckin’ snakes off these mother fuckin’ trains!”

Yig was unavailable for comment.

Narnia—Weapon’s inspector’s confirmed many of our worst fears today.  Narnia has the ability to produce large quantities of a high yield Cintamanite, a mythical substance found only at the Fords of Beruna in east central Narnia. 

“This has great implications for the War on Fiction,” said General David Petraeus.

The White House, meanwhile, is refusing to comment on rumors the Narnians were aided in Cintamanite-enriching technologies by Canada.  

Experts believe Cintamanite can nearly double the range and effectiveness of their wooden catapults, as seen during the siege of Cair Paravel in the second film. Some believe it may also enhance the taste of certain seafood recipes.

Rush Limbaugh is using this event to further embarrass The White House.

“Obama has done nothing to prevent this.  First Iran, then North Korea, and now Narnia! What’s next on Obama’s watch…is Sauron going to reclaim Mordor?”

Prince Caspian, now deemed an agent of terror and an enemy of the real world, is claiming his troops will utilize guerrilla warfare against the U.S. if further provoked.

“Actually, it’s more of a half gorilla, half goat,” added Caspian.  “They can jump out of a cupboard anywhere, any time. Heck, they can even appear out of a picture hanging on your living room wall.  How’s Napolitano going to handle that, bitches?” 

The President encouraged Americans to keep these developments in perspective, and stated, “Narnia poses no threat to free nations. The saber rattling over in Narnia is just that, saber rattling…literally.”