News & Politics

Osama Bin Laden’s Wife Claims Pot was “Mellowing him Out”

by Mick Zano • September 13, 2011

Abbottabad, PK—More and more information is surfacing about the last days of Osama Bin Laden’s life. His second wife, who wished to remain faceless, said, “Pot was finally starting to mellow him out. He talked less about terror plots and more about the lack of any nearby convenience stores in Abbottabad. ‘Convenience stores are supposed to be convenient,’ he would say. Then he would laugh at jokes like that for hours.”

As he began smoking absurd amounts of marijuana, he all but stopped his Facebook Meetup terror groups. According to many, he was shifting his future goals away from Jihad toward opening a hemp stand somewhere.

“He didn’t want to kill anymore,” said another wife. “In fact, he was starting to quote John Lennon songs a lot and wanted to run off to meet that Beatles Yogi guy.”

“He started running around with a new group of friends,” said still another wife. “The beatings all but stopped and no more ‘human shield’ duty on weekends. It was nice. He still enforced Sharia Law, but only when he managed to stop giggling.”

U.S. Navy Seals are supporting these claims. They confirm large amounts of marijuana were growing in Bin Laden’s compound and, during Operation Geronimo, he was found half baked and watching a Baywatch Marathon.

by Mick Zano • September 10, 2011

Man Sentenced to Barrage of Good & Plentys, Jujubes, and Popcorn after Failing to Place Phone on Vibrate during Spy Kids 4

Miami, FL—One J.J. Evans of Hallandale stated he was “in the can” when the announcement came reminding patrons to please turn down all cell phones during the film. Thirty-seven minutes later, just as one of the Spy Kids was about to do something truly amazing, Mr. Evans’ Samsung started blaring Snoop Dogg’s ringtone rendition of Nuttin but a “G” Thang.

“It was my girlfriend,” claimed Mr. Evans. “She was just reminding me to unfriend my wife on Facebook.”

Audience members believe Mr. Evans had plenty of time to correct his mistake but chose not to. “It wouldn’t have been so bad if he had gone with Death to Weezy or something from Doggystyle,” said one movie goer and Snoop fan. “That would have bought the moron at least a few more seconds.”

Since the incident, Mr. Evans is still suffering from PTCSD (Post Theatric Concession Stand Disorder). After barely surviving the movie treat onslaught, Evans is still suffering from what he describes as headaches, humiliation fatigue, and a greasy unwashable stickiness. He can’t even smell buttery popcorn now without retching uncontrollably. Evans described the assault as being reminiscent of “a bad mother fucking day at Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

Mr. Evans is planning to file a lawsuit against Regal Theaters as well as “that little bitch with the Jujubes.”

by The Crank • September 8, 2011

In retrospect, as I watched the Circus Minimus, a.k.a. the debt ceiling debacle, my mind started to wander, as it is prone to do without Ritalin. Can there really be this many ideologically enslaved people all in one place? Do they really think we believe the talking points anymore? Then it all came into raging clarity as I watched Blazing Saddles for the 367th time last night. I don’t mean to offend with this culturally insensitive material. It’s Mel Brooks’ fault, honest. If you want to really be offended, check out one of my regular features.

1. First came the congeniality:

“Some more entitlements, Mr. Taggert?”

“I’d say you’d had about enough!”

2. Never mind that shit, here comes Mongo!

“We the white God-fearing citizens of real America wish to express our extreme displeasure with your lack of spending cuts.”

3. The votes to raise the debt ceiling are still not there:

“I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs,thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Independents!“

4. When it still looks bleak:

“Gentlemen, we need to save our phony baloney jobs.”

5. Another plan emerges:

“Someone go back to Congress and get a whole shit load of Dems.”

6. Democrats regroup:

“Unfortunately there is one thing standing between me and that tax revenue: the rightful owners. Just give me 24 hours to come up with a brilliant idea to save our Dow. Just 24 hours, that’s all I ask.”

7. Dems start to show their frustration:

“That’s Hedley!!”

8. More side show distractions:

“Where da white women at?”

9. Then the ax fell for some:

“They lose me after the bunker scene.”

10. Still another lousy plan emerges:

“Elementary, cactus head.”

“My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of expensive alternatives.”

11. Republicans are stunned:

“More spending? Investing in infrastructure? What will that asshole think of next?”

12. Reverend Al Sharpton and God intervene:

“Oh Lord, do we have the strength to carry off this mighty debt raising mission? Or are we just jerking off?”

13. Hooray! The Debt ceiling is raised. We live to spend another day!!!!

“I’m needed wherever outlaws rule the west…wherever people cry out for justice.”

BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

by Mick Zano • September 6, 2011

Bachmann Lured through Hellish Nether Portal

Waterloo, IA—Using the Neconicon, an ancient conservative grimorie, four brave progressives coaxed Congresswoman, Michele Bachmann, back into the hellish alternate Universe from whence she came.

“It’s truly over,” said Dr. Sterling Hogbein of the Hogbein Institute and Sauna. “One of the key demonic forces in politics is gone forever.”

Eyewitnesses claim Bachmann was lured to a pre-designated location by setting up a mock LBGTQ Facebook Meetup group in her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa.

“With the elections closing in, Iowa was the obvious choice,” said the lead political exorcist, a man who wishes to remain anonymous. “Her hometown made it perfect. We picked a remote location on the outskirts of town, announced it on Facebook, and prepared the area using passages from the Neoconicon. Flamboyant decoys were then placed around a table located directly over the portal.”

After she took the bait, no injuries were reported. However, a pink Versace shirt and several matching accessories were irreparably damaged. The Elton John impersonator also reports suffering an “awful fright.”

The unnamed spokesperson denies Sarah Palin will be a target of any future black magic ops, “No, no, Bachmann was the only genuine succubus in politics, Palin is more of a Foxgoblin.”

by Mick Zano • August 30, 2011

"Job Creators" Discuss Plans for Massive Pyramid Complex

The 427 individuals who now own the majority of the wealth in the United States are enslaving everyone else for the purpose of creating their extravagant burial chambers. According to the Hopi, the Mayan, and that bald guy from Ghost Hunters, the need for large megalithic structures have occurred cyclically throughout history. And those stars are aligned once again, signifying the onset of the granddaddy of all pyramid schemes.

Those jobs are finally here! All you need to do is put on the harness—already en-route to your home—and then report to your designated quarry. These are shovel-ready jobs, minus the shovel. Due to the inherent dangers and mortality rates, there will be no workman’s compensation plans. Oh, and if you mention the word “union” you will become a permanent fixture, so to speak. Don’t worry Conservative types, this is just what our forepharaohs envisioned. These are American jobs designed for real Americans.

Dr. Sterling Hogbein of the Hogbein Institute and Sauna has addressed some of the skeptics.

“Think of it as a countrywide megalithic Jenga game. Look, the Egyptians built these things in a very arid region, thousands of years ago, under much harsher conditions.”

Although, Dr. Hogbein does admit the Koch Brother’s decision to build in the Everglades “should prove interesting.”

These mandatory opportunities will not only create jobs, but they will lower instances of obesity, diabetes, and heart disease across our great nation…at least for the survivors.

by Mick Zano • August 27, 2011

English Bobbies to Quell Riots by Saying Stop…Again

London, GB—London Police would like to send a stern message to the rioters currently assailing their fair city. This message is packed with sharp criticism, harsh tones, and less than subtle innuendo.

Chief Constable Barry Higgins had this to say, “We are not only prepared to say our traditional ‘stop or we’ll say stop again’ number, but we are prepared to say stop as many times as it takes!”

The constable actually said this somewhat congenially during our interview, but insisted we add the exclamation point.

When asked about authorizing the use of plastic bullets, Constable Higgins said, “No, but we are prepared to use bouts of sarcasm. A focused stream of satirical quips will sting far worse than any plastic, non-biodegradable, bullets any day.”

Constable Higgins has not ruled out the use of puns but only in “extreme situations” and, as for double entendres, Higgins fears they will, “Go over the head of this lot.” He therefore recommends a more mocking rancor designed to strike a devastating sarcastic blow to the heart of such common rabble.

Higgins feels the English bobby has a reputation to uphold, and that it’s “time to take a bite out of crime.” He then added, “But not literally, of course.”

by Mick Zano • August 25, 2011

Ahhh, revolution is in the air…someone open a window. The difference between the Arab Spring and the U.S. Fall is simple: the Arab Spring is a series of revolutions designed to overthrow dictatorial despotic governments, while ours is an attempt to create one. It’s like some Saudi Prince saying, “Hey, let’s gut all regs and let the me market work.”

The group of Americans all fired up and ready to start shooting shit need to take a chill pill. Luckily, you can probably score some from that Medicare drug supplemental plan you never funded. Let’s not forget, a lot of this is your fault and, more importantly, when we need you for the real action, you’ll be AWOL. Your brave and fiery movement is destined to die the day a Republican returns to the Oval Office. Trust me on this. It will be business as usual. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. By the time you figure it all out…who I am kidding? You’re never going to figure it out. I saw this show already. I remember when Fox News switched from “all is well” while Bush was burying us to “take out the black guy” while Obama was still picking out his curtains.

Watching the degeneration of Repulicana has been painful. How could they possibly get any worse? It’s unimaginable. It’s not something even I, on my most cynical day, could have predicted. I maintain that 40% of our country is prepared to prop up a conservative likely to be more damaging than Bush. Texas Governor Rick Perry? Really? Here’s a guy who seems not only to have drank from the Cup of Stupid but actually forged it himself in the fiery depths of Mt. Dim. How do you find a Texas Governor nuttier than Bush? Someone had to have looked under a Texas-sized rock to unleash that magic.

A letter to today’s Republicans:

Your ill-advised, ill-informed uprising is a sideshow distraction. You have no idea what’s happening, no idea how we got here, and no idea how to fix things. The rest of us can’t even figure anything out anymore because of all the rubbernecking delays caused by this sad excuse for a movement. The accident that is your revolution is drawing everyone’s attention away from the real issues of our day. I still believe, Sanjaya!

You’re using our collapse—the one you helped create—to drive some crazy-assed agenda. You can stop this shift downward toward the least common denominator anytime now. You would be better served to just stop and let someone take the reins of this little movement. I am offering my services…for a small fee.

Don’t you get it? There’s such a credibility gap in Republicana that if and when you really do break any news, no one else is going to believe it. That’s my fear. You are marginalized and ignored, and rightly so, but what happens if you get something right? It could happen…maybe. Thus far I have yet to see anything productive or meaningful come out of your discourse.

Things are certainly wrong with our government, but, as I’ve said, the movement we should be having has been hijacked by morons. You are going off all half-cocked about all the wrong shit. Your anger is being orchestrated. You’re being played by some puppet master. Your revolution has a script…a script written by some tycoon somewhere. Only those who are truly sick of both parties should be leading any kind of revolution. Transcosmetic Party anyone? You don’t even realize this is a revolution by Foxy, er…by proxy. Your revolution died the moment you let Fox News run your little insurrection. That’s like having Heinrich Himmler run for office in Germany in 1946.

Besides, the real leader of your movement, Ron Paul, is being completely marginalized by that same evil entity. Why? Because he understands how much Fox News is part of the problem. He embarrassed them in 2004. He is truly a ‘pox on both your houses’ dude. They don’t want that; they want a Bush to correct all of the problems started by….er, Bush.

Name one agenda item of yours that differs from the C. Montgomery Burnses of the world and you’ll have my attention. You can’t, because Mr. Burns is funding your revolution and is authoring your talking points and stoking your fury (hint: against all rhyme or reason you’re still championing Bush’s policies. Really? America is so dense it can’t even pull off a proper revolution! AhhhHhHh!

That’s a great plan. Let me know how that works out for you.

Respectfully deposited,

Mick Zano

Meanwhile, Michele Check-Her-Clozaril-Level Bachmann vows to tear down the EPA when she gets into office. Who does that benefit? Well, in her defense, she thinks the EPA stands for Evil Progressives for Abortion. And if I hear one more cognitively impaired person say “we have a spending problem not a revenue problem”…duh. But you spent the shit! You cheered on Incurious George for those unfunded wars and those unfunded programs and the policies that brought us here. Hey, I got it! Forget the stimulus, how about a real compromise? We’ll only raise revenues (let the Bush tax cut expire for the rich) to pay for those Republican policies, aka, those unfunded toys you voted for. I’m talking about the policies—not the price tag under one president—but the policy debacles Republicans spawned and fomented over the last decade, aka, Iraq until it’s finished…not Iraq until a Democrat is in power. Then we can resume the Bush tax cuts for all…just as soon as you pay for the shit you broke (aka, the shit I didn’t want, but the stuff you ‘fiscal conservative’ types continue to champion).

I have been calling for a revolution too, but I just want one that makes some bloody sense. If your “revolution” consists of a series of Fox News talking points you can leave me out. And if you think many people with an IQ over 90 are going to get behind anyone currently leading the Tea Party, you’re…er, under 90. Frankly, this is how not to start a revolution. If I hear one more time on Fox, “the left is out of excuses, it’s all they have left.” What? I’m still waiting, years later, to find one thing the Republicans have ever gotten right. I ask, in many of my neurotically repetitive posts, when has anyone ever said, thank God we listened to those folks over at Fox? I guess it’s a rhetorical question at this point. It’s like a Zen paradox…something to meditate on, like The Ghetto Shaman’s “sound of one cheek farting.” You’ve been duped, revolutionary peeps. An original thought hasn’t come out of your heads yet, and when it does it will be immediately refudiated!

by Mick Zano • August 23, 2011

Sesame Street Still Forcing Ernie & Bert to Live a Lie

Ernie and Bert of Sesame Street fame are speaking out against “The Street’s” decision to define the roommates as “just friends without benefits.”

“It was an executive decision that we were not a part of,” said Bert. “And if Henson hadn’t decided to use ping pong balls for every god damn appendage, we’d never leave the bedroom!”

Despite clearly wanting some say in the decision, the couple denies rumors they were forced to attend Conversion Therapy sessions. “They alluded to it,” said Bert. “PBS told us about their Flaming Muppet Assistance Program and then handed us a business card from Michele Bachmann’s husband. We got the hint.”

Ernie, on the other hand, remains indecisive about marriage.

“Bert is kind of a manipulative jerk,” said Ernie. “Although he’s never gotten violent, I have had to call Muppet Protective services on several occasions for what I consider to be blatant psychological abuse.”

Ernie then rattled off several episode plots as examples.

“At least we still have imminent domain rights,” said Bert, who explained how he has been eyeing Ernie’s rubber ducky “for a good many years.”

The rubber ducky was unavailable for comment.

by Mick Zano • August 13, 2011

Ronco’s Woes Continue with Recall of Zombie Pinata

Phoenix, AZ— Have you or a loved one been injured, scarred, or turned into a zombie after purchasing the Ronco Brain Feeder? If so, you may be eligible for a large cash settlement. Waves of complaints are staggering in about the product and Ronco is facing a multitude of grisly lawsuits. Many argue it’s a bad idea to attract zombies in the first place. Granted they’re typically sluggish and poorly coordinated, but it only takes one bite to ruin your whole day

Not only is their Zombie Brain Feeder the issue, the Ronco Pinata has also come under fire this week. “We haven’t had a problem this big since the recall of our Undead Slip and Slaughter,” said CEO of the week, Ben Avery.

“No matter how you play this game there are no winners,” said Stanley Melman of Scottsdale, AZ. “The instructions make it unclear whether the players are the zombies or the children, or both. And I can tell you from experience, you don’t want your children waiting in line with a bunch of other zombies to take a swing at a dead person’s head with a severed arm.”

“I don’t know what these Ronco people were thinking,” said Sarah Comparetti. “I don’t know what my husband was thinking either, but at least he won’t be making that mistake again—seeing as how he’s permanently chained to a tree in the backyard.”

by Alex Bone • August 8, 2011

On August 8^th, the undulating Cthulhu endorsed Sarah Palin for President of the United States. This Outer God is often described as …an octopus, a dragon, and a human caricature and is regarded by H.P. Lovecraft as “a pulpy, tentacled head surmounted a grotesque scaly body with rudimentary wings.” And that’s just Palin.

Dr. Coredonis, a spokesman for Cthulhu, had this to say: “It was Palin’s complete disregard for living things, poor people, animals, and poor animals that first got Cthulhu’s attention. Where others might find her ignorance of human affairs and basic lack of intelligence a negative, we at the Cult find these attributes quite compatible with our needs. The human race is like worms begging at the feet of the great master. They are akin to a swarm of insects barely deserving of a slap. So who better than Palin as a liaison emissary type?” said Dr. Coredonis. “With Palin at the helm, you arrogant humans will finally realize how pathetic you truly are. Those of you who don’t take your own lives outright will swear allegiance to the greatness that is Cthulhu! It will be worse than that the Dukakis bid.”

Then the Doctor tried to stab me with a hidden dagger, so I hurled him out of a nearby window—which was, unfortunately, only two stories up. Damn. So I was forced to finish the interview by interviewing myself:

Alex: “So Alex, what do you think of all this?”

Alex 2: “I’m angry enough to spit bees! This is an insult to mankind, more than that, it’s an insult to America and we’re #1, damnit! Granted, not in any tangible quantitative way, but certainly in quasi-pseudo flag waving moron kind of way.

I also tracked down our Stalwart correspondent, Jack Primus, to see what he had to say.

“Cthulhu thinks we aren’t in on his strategy, but we are,” said Primus. “In my opinion, this is a very simple ploy. If Palin is elected, the Big C thinks we’re finished, but I say ‘Ha’ we’re already finished. Doesn’t he get anything but Fox News? You see, the Cult of Cthulhu is waiting for its moment to claim the planet for themselves.”

Why is Palin so crucial to the Outer God’s master plan? Some think it’s her complete disregard for humanity and all life forms. Still others feel it is her MILFy sexiness that is winning over he who lies sleeping. But how can we even hope to guess the contemplations of a mind that predates mankind by uncountable eons? We can only hope that humanity will survive long enough for me to be able to buy those new jet skis on eBay.

When I finally got an audience with Cthulhu, I asked, “But why not just endorse Bachmann?”

Cthulhu replied, “I may be the God of undulating doom, but I’m not crazy!”

Speaking of crazy, after that one question, I yanked off my own ears and was then dragged to the nether realms and devoured…which is not any worse than working for Winslow here at the Discord, really.