News & Politics

Santa Claus’ GPS Coordinates Hijacked by Iran! Sleigh Brought Down Near Tehran

by Mick Zano • December 27, 2011

Tehran, IR—Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced his diabolical actions on the evening of December 25th. Iranian scientists claim to have successfully reverse-engineered Santa’s GPS coordinates and guided the jolly old saint and his sleigh into a field northeast of Tehran.

“We wanted to capture the fat bastard with all the goods, but his flight plan made it easier to nab him during his return to the North Pole,” said Ahmadinejad. “We now plan to harness Santa’s secrets to bring down the great Satan known as America.”

The sleigh is reportedly in mint condition, because of all of Santa’s mints, but the North Pole is denying claims that, during the initial encounter, Santa used some of his Christmas elves as human shields.

“They’re not human,” said Mrs. Claus, “take my word on this one.”

The Obama Administration is considering this an act of war.

“This is an outrage,” said President Obama. “We want Santa back without a hair harmed on his chinny chin chin.”

Obama then made several other cutsie Yule-time-anologies (YTAs), before hurling his teleprompter at the nearest wall.

“Who’s going to bring me a new one next year!” blubbered the President as he stormed off stage.

Sadly, Santa and his reindeer were interrogated by Iranian officials on December 26th and then stoned to death for practicing sorcery. Stocks tumbled today with the news Christmas, as we know it, has ended.

Kidding! Santa kicked their heathen asses all over the desert and made it home for dinner.

by Mick Zano • December 20, 2011

Existence of Snuffleupagus Questioned by Expert

New York, NY—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bagel Shop, is not convinced a large, as yet undiscovered species of elephantidae, is living within the urban sprawl in and around Sesame Street.

After perusing the area’s refuse, the prominent crypto-zoologist concluded, “The waste could certainly sustain a small garbage-can-dwelling creature, say 2 to 3 feet tall, but I don’t think anything much larger could survive here on the existing food supply.”

Dr. Hogbein falls shy of completely dismissing the possibility, but he also believes a creature of such girth would have a hard time remaining unnoticed.

“This isn’t about one creature, there would need to be enough to sustain a sizeable population, which, giving the setting, becomes even more implausible. Show me some hair samples, some scat, anything that would help prove the existence of something this large living in, of all places, a city borough,” said Dr. Hogbein.

A large yellow ornithoid, known to the locals, recently passed several lie detector tests and is believed to be the only credible witness.

Upon reviewing this Big Bird’s testimony, Dr. Hogbein stated, “It’s certainly seeing something, but I will give more credence to these eyewitness accounts if this bird underwent a battery of psychological testing.”

Dr. Hogbein later suggested to reporters this bird flew into one too many closed windows.

by Mick Zano • December 17, 2011

God Denies Existence of Christopher Hitchens

Heaven—Upon arrival at the Pearly Gates, Christopher Hitchens refused to put down his scotch when addressing St. Peter and sized up the holy gatekeeper with an intense glare. He then announced that he was mortified about the prospect of an afterlife, adding, “Oh, and I should warn you, I only drink Harp, I don’t play them.”

St. Peter then explained to Mr. Hitchens that he did not appear on any of his lists, which is “quite impossible.”

Before wandering off, Mr. Hitchens made a gesture that greatly upset the Saint and called him a glorified toll bridge worker.

God is now completely denying the existence of the short, rude little man, or his unscheduled appearance at the Pearly Gates. “We have no record of him and if the word omnipotent means anything at all to you people, the matter should be considered settled. Besides,” continued God, “…a hawkish foreign policy advocate who can think his way out of a paper bag? Preposterous.” God then named every Republican in the United States to prove his point and called it a night.

by Mick Zano • December 13, 2011

Scientists Discover then Ostracize "God Particle"

Geneva, CH—At the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the largest particle accelerator in the world, scientists have finally discovered the elusive ‘God Particle.’ The particle, known also as the Higgs-Boson, was cornered by the collider’s ATLAS Detector and then relentlessly taunted by scientists for several hours. Finally succumbing to the incessant verbal assault, the particle eventually winked out of existence entirely to the backdrop of cheering physicists.

“We think it’s fitting that a piece of engineering named after a pagan Titan finally nabbed the bastard,” said one scientist, referring to the facility’s ATLAS detector. “God had it coming after setting back this planet countless centuries with his God-awful teachings, pardon the pun.”

“We gave him a Richard Dawkins-style welcome,” said Dr. Adam Smascheer of the cryogenic’s department. “We had thought about dropping Darwin’s Origin of the Species on the damned thing from a ladder, but we don’t want to stoop to his level. There’s also a lot of OSHA paperwork involved in climbing ladders these days.”

God, believed to have winked out existence for good, was unavailable for commandment…er, comment.

by Mick Zano • December 12, 2011

The following was originally an 85-post comment thread. I rarely got a word in edgewise, but a few inconvenient facts ruffled some Foxeteer feathers, right on cue. What was really funny about this dialogue—which spanned three hours and completely interrupted my pornography download session—was the fact that I was the only non-Foxeteer in the virtual jungle. I am the reason this became an 85-post thread from hell. And I’d do it again…

The Facebook thread occurred on 12/3/11. The non-political posts and any and all identifying data were omitted to protect the misinformed. The “Not Z”s constitute about ficw or six peeps, all of one mind. The stuff in parenthesis is mine, added later. With near simultaneous posting at times, it was hard to keep the flow of the argument. The post started after Obama announced he was spending the next 17 days in Hawaii. This is just some highlights:

Not Z	Isn’t that precious? You go Mr. President, I’m sure there’s nothing in Washington, DC that just could just, you know, use a little elbow grease to get accomplished…I mean, it’s “just” the economy.
	2 hours ago Like Unlike

Not Z	What really bothers me is the total lack of compassion and this isn’t just regarding Dumb-bama, it’s all of the politicians who are living high off the hog while citizens suffer through the current economic crisis. There are people who have lost their jobs, their homes and their belongings due to the economy. Have a heart!
	2 hours ago Like Unlike 3 Loading…

Mick Zano	actually, day for day, Obama’s taken the least amount of vacation for any president in recent history, but who’s counting? oh yeah, Fox News.
	2 hours ago Like Unlike

Not Z	…right now, our country is in trouble from within and he’s going to be busy doing the hula while the rest of our representatives go home as well. OWS should be occupying ODC “Occupy DC”.
	2 hours ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

Not Z	Actually I don’t care how much more or less any of them have taken. The fact remains that the timing is inappropriate.
	2 hours ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

Mick Zano	we need a third party and have for a long long time.
	about an hour ago Like Unlike

Not Z	Join the Libertarian party. I did.
	about an hour ago Like Unlike

(agreed, but the Ron Paul section, not the Michele Section-8 Bachmann one)

Not Z

I would have preferred that he stayed on vacation for the entire time he has been in office, the economy would be straightening itself out it would be painful but it wouldn’t be as prolonged as it is now, and you haven’t seen nothing yet…..My hope for change is that he is gone next year we can’t handle another 4 yrs of him, One last thing… to Barney Frank, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out! I wish we could keep him from getting his pension, it’s sad we have to pay one of the main causes of all of this for the rest of his life. His ass should be in a jail cell!

about an hour ago Unlike Like 1 Loading…

Mick Zano	…of course, the auto industry would have collapsed outright and we’d be in a full depression, but other than that i’m sure it would be swell.
	about an hour ago Unlike Like 1 Loading…

Not Z	Good UGH the bastard! Must be nice GRRRR
	53 minutes ago Like Unlike 2 Loading…

(even though this makes no sense and is directed at me, it’s my favorite post)

Not Z	Oh yeah… and that $528 million loan to a solar-panel company Solyndra…
	50 minutes ago Like Unlike 2 Loading…

(blah, bah, blah, scandal, scandal, scandal).

Not Z

Not to mention handing GM to the unions, and screwing the shareholders who had a stake in the company including Chrysler, plus shutting down private dealerships to go along with it. We lost money on GM and Chrysler we took a hit on the shares when they were sold. GM and Chrysler could have filed bankruptcy and reorganized, cut the union stranglehold. Instead they ran with hat in hand to the government.

46 minutes ago Like Unlike 2 Loading…

Not Z	Who’s bailing out the citizens of our country. The MEAT and bones of this country? The auto industry isn’t the USA. The citizens are. People have lost their jobs, their homes, their belongings. The auto industry was losing their asses to foreign countries who built better products. So be it.
	44 minutes ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

(I agree wholeheartedly with that statement, but if you think the Republicans are the answer, ummm, good luck with that.)

Not Z	Some people will simply never admit that Obama was a mistake. He was voted into office because people thought they were making history. That’s not a reason to vote for anyone.
	42 minutes ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

Not Z	Biggest mistake besides Carter.
	39 minutes ago Like Unlike 2 Loading…

(the Obama/Carter comparison goes on for some time. They’re forgetting that Bush was the biggest mistake since Buchanan. Sorry, I’m switching back to porn.)

Not Z	I am an independent, but there will be all R’s on my ballot next year, I will never vote for a democrat again until this party is purged of the liberal progressives that are destroying it, it is not the party that our parents and grandparents used to know.
	35 minutes ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

(And the Republicans are still the party of fiscal sanity? Please. Independent means capable of independent thought. Hint: thus far you haven’t had any.)

Mick Zano	the economy ended in november of 2008, i believe obama was a senator then. sorry you’re all just getting the message now.
	34 minutes ago Unlike Like 1 Loading…

Not Z	Ah-hem, which party had control of congress in 2008? Yeah.
	32 minutes ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

(Much cheers and accolades for that one.)

Not Z	You beat me to it, girlfriend, Democrats had the house, Senate, and presidency for 2 yrs, instead of helping of fixing things they pushed a health care law no one wanted, and is unconstitutional, oh remember this……
	27 minutes ago Like Unlike 2 Loading…

(So Obamacare was pushed pre-Obama?)

Not Z	We’d better watch what we say on here. The latest bill passed that allows the military to arrest and detain US citizens indefinitely.
	26 minutes ago Like Unlike

Mick Zano	actually, the congressional budget office states the biggest deficit creators were 1) the bush tax cuts and 2) iraq (why?) and Afghanistan, and then 3) fannie and freddie
	21 minutes ago Unlike Like 1 Loading…

(Oh, and that bill you mentioned is called the Patriot Act and it passed under Bush.)

Not Z	Oh… well that’s settled. If the congressional budget office says it’s so… I’d be more likely to believe the credibility in a report from the National Enquirer
	58 minutes ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

Not Z	Tax cuts are only a deficit if there is no control on spending, If I take a pay cut at work i’m not going to go out and buy a crap load of stuff I can’t afford, same for the government, entitlements are killing us, look at europe, it’s our future if we don’t stop spending
	55 minutes ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

Not Z	It is a proven fact that the government makes more money when taxes are low, there is more investment, more spending, you keep taking away from the people who create the jobs they stop investing and hiring and spending
	54 minutes ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

(when anyone on the right says ‘proven fact’ take notice. It would seem to make sense value but a comprehensive look at global economies by Annie Lowery at Slate Magazine found no such correlation. For a recent example, look at growth under tax-happy Clinton vs no-taxes-no-jobs Bush. Always remember, Fox News is based on false assumptions. Then they simply focus on those few facts that support their ideology…and it’s working.)

Not Z	Precisely why there are fewer and fewer jobs here that pay well, dude.
	52 minutes ago Like Unlike

(Yes, the one percent are the job creators. Hey, look at that, lesbian bondage!)

Not Z	China’s is going to get sick of paying for us to borrow from them and give to other countries. It’s going to be rough when they tell us they want their loan paid in full.
	50 minutes ago Like Unlike

Not Z	If this idiot (Obama) would unleash the oil and natural gas we have in our own country, cut taxes, get rid of Obama care we would be on a turn around like we have never seen
	47 minutes ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

Mick Zano	i wasn’t for the bailouts (dailydiscord.com) and i protested on ‘shock and awe’ day when we bombed Iraq, so not sure i need the lecture about spending. i have also found arguing against a slew of fox news talking points very entertaining.
	47 minutes ago Unlike Like 1

(I shouldn’t have done that. Here comes the shit storm.)

Not Z	I hate being someone’s bitch!!! Here’s an idea. In the next election, people should vote for the opposite candidate that all the brain dead celebs support.
	46 minutes ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

Not Z	Typical progressive. Tries to win arguments by making ridiculous assumptions about people and calling those who disagree with him names. And then, we wonder where kids learn how to bully others. Duh!!
	45 minutes ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

(I had to fix ‘duh’. She spelled it with an ‘a’.)

Not Z	I heard that Fox viewers have higher IQ’s. Obviously.
	44 minutes ago Like Unlike

(Dah!)

Not Z	I don’t have to hate Fox News to know this man is a problem, I was going to vote for him at first, I was under his spell, right up until I saw things about his past, and when he told the plumber “When you spread the wealth around it’s good for everyone” I was done with him, I saw what he truly was, and sadly I was right.
	42 minutes ago Like Unlike

(Yes, when 1% owns 99% of the wealth, the 1% should get more money…er, great point.)

Not Z	did ACORN forget to pick you up from the streets, register you and take you to the polls to vote for him?
	40 minutes ago Like Unlike

(Yeah, ACORN! Indeed, evil community organizations were ultimately our undoing, weren’t they?)

Not Z	Joy Behar and Whoopie Goldberg! There’s my candidate meter! Whoever they hate the most is my winner!
	38 minutes ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

(Then came a barrage of Hollywood celeb bashing. I agree, the women on The View are morons, but the problem is they’re comparable to your candidates.)

Not Z	Uh Oh, I just realized I put God in that last sentence, I hope the ACLU don’t sue me over it, I better watch out for the PC police
	37 minutes ago Like Unlike 2 Loading…

Not Z	Pretty soon they’ll just arrest you and throw you in a cell. 3 hots and a cot!
	36 minutes ago Like Unlike 1 Loading…

Not Z	How about all those celebs, who made that creepy I PLEDGE video!!!
	33 minutes ago Like Unlike

Not Z	Hey Mick, I know us brainwashed Fox news zombies can’t change your mind, but enjoyed debating with you, and don’t worry when we get a real leader in the office he will show you how to truly fix things.
	28 minutes ago Like Unlike 1

(I agree, but who? I like Ron Paul. He would make some truly horrible sweeping systemic changes, but he would also make some great ones. And the rest of the Republican nominees are dangerously incompetent.)

Mick Zano	Oh, and good luck with Gingrich, let me know how that works out for ya (; This was better than that 17 day vacation i had planned in Hawaii. good night!
	24 minutes ago Like Unlike 1

I only commented four times in this post, but I wanted that last joke and would not be denied. Having no life and living in Mountain Time, I had but to wait. During this entertaining rhetoric everyone liked and backed each other’s comments, almost immediately. An hour into things I started liking my own posts for fun. Each of my scant posts only received one like. Yep, from me! Oh, I don’t care about anybody else, but when I argue politics I like myself. Ohhh ohh…come on, everybody.

This is clearly a case study for some future anthropological study. To be lectured on the loss of freedom by people who either ignored or supported the Patriot Act and voted for Incurious George twice is a joyous event—one akin to zipping my penis up into my fly. Indefinitely disbanding Habeas Corpus, Cheney’s Secret Police, torture, etc…none of these resonate, but Obama’s…er, what did he do to expand his already expanded role again?

Are they correct about some things? Sure. Dems are culpable for 35% of our demise, but the fact that the mother load—roughly 65% of the blame—has been so white washed, I would say it’s a Tom Sawyer wet dream. Obama didn’t cause this shit and there aint nobody gonna fix it, least of all your guy. This has been my position for a long time. In fact, it’s been my position since American Idol debuted. I still believe, Sanjaya!

Republicans have figured out precious little since then. They lost their taste for empire, which is nice, but otherwise….

Despite that ‘occupy’ statement or the occasional independent-esque shout out, most of these folks are clearly not libertarians or independents—these are Foxeteers, or at least their comments can easily lead one to conclude this fact. Oh, and before all of you “libertarians” vote for Newt Gingrich, his record on freedom and individual rights is frightening. It’s the same argument, time after time. It’s Groundhog Debate. According to a Foxeteer, the problems over the last decade can be summed up thusly:

The 1% are the job creators
Revenues = bad
Government = big & evil
ACORN
Socialism
Obamacare
Fannie and Freddie
Ground Zero Mosque
Stimulus/Bailouts
Dems ruled the Congress in 2008
Birth certificate
Border Wall
George Soros
Solyndra
ACLU
Over Spending (since 2009)
Obama, Obama, Obama! That evil man
Fast & Furious

With a couple of notable exceptions, a lot of this shit occurred post the collapse and the rest is quite meaningless in the grand scheme of things. But, I agree, it does constitute 35% of the problem. Yet somehow this is a definitive and exhaustive list of how we got here. But, hey, there’s always Fannie and Freddie and good old Barney Frank to blame. Congratulations, you understand one part of one of our problems. Whoo hoo! At this rate you’ll understand everything that’s happened in recent U.S. history…er, nope, global warming will likely kill you first. But don’t worry, someone will probably convince you it’s all part of God’s pre-rapture roasting.

Besides Birthers and mosques, we managed to hit most of the key “arguments,” or Fox News talking points. These are the same ones that have been drilled into their heads by the C. Montgomery Burnses of the world (in a coordinated effort to get them to continue voting against their own interests). Had the argument gone on 4 hours instead of 3, I’m sure we’d have hit them all. Yep, they stick to the script. It’s a sad, sad script but it’s not completely without merit…just mostly.

They think my argument is completely without merit, even though I agree with them on 35% of their argument. Yep, not exactly math majors. Look, I’m not talking about these folks specifically, but debate one Foxeteer and you’ve debated them all. That’s the problem. None of them have an original thought in their heads. It’s all rightarrhea. In fact, I’m reaching for the Kaopec-debate right now.

One post claimed I was “a typical progressive reverting to name calling.” She must be a prophet, because, sure, I’m calling them Foxeteers now, but I never did during the actual exchange. I was very well behaved. Listen, the only way to break your Foxeteer designation is to show just a sliver of an inkling of an independent thought, but that rarely happens (whether it’s a three hour online debate or a three year one). The only thing they can agree on is their hatred for Obama. They wanted no bailouts in January of 2009 and were content to have the Bush Depression. Just several years of carrot soup and everything would be right and good in the world. They’re forgetting about our bond rating and the fact the dollar would no longer be the global standard, aka, we’d be completely screwed indefinitely. But other than that…

For all of my “progressive name calling” I just mentioned some facts. Mentioning facts that don’t jive with the programming will often illicit a very negative response, like Pavlov’s blogs. My comments were just a few facts sprinkled into their bullshit sundae.

Here are the Foxeteer’s blind spots:

George Bush (ranked third to last amongst American presidents and dropping).
Dick Cheney (Sith Lord & war criminal)
Patriot Act (very unpatriotic)
Koch Brothers (the source of your thoughts and firmly held false assumptions)
Torture (yep, by every definition in the book)
Abu Ghraib (just some fraternity pranks that aided Al-Qaeda recruitment capabilities)
Lying us into an unnecessary war (which one was that again? Hmmm)
TARP (700 billion MIA)
Bush’s unfunded drug supplement program
Bush tax cuts (largest long term deficit creator)
Bank Practices (sociopathic?)
Global Warming (but there’s still 1 out of 10 climatologists who agree with Fox)
Wall Street greed (psychopathic?)
Overspending (pre 2009. Hint: it wasn’t pretty)
Politicizing the Justice Department (in Gonzales we trust)
The 1% now own 99% of the wealth (oh, and they’re not going to hire you, because you’re an idiot.)

Yeah, the other 65% of the problem does not compute…at all…with any of them. It resonates in the same way a feather would upon landing in a pit of tar. Did they mention any of these during the debate? Do they ever? Nope. It flies in the face of the Matrix.

You gave away your rights while you were reciting the Fox News talking points of the day and you were just as wrong about shit then as you are now. Did you notice the comment, “Oh, Congressional Budget office Numbers, I would rather believe the National Enquirer or some such?”

That’s the problem, dear…you are.

The non partisan Congressional Budget Office certainly has less of an ax to grind than the Heritage Group, the Koch Brothers, or any of the other places you derive your non-Euclidian Bachmannese math (NEBM) from. How are you so sure of your views and opinions at all? Wait, I know, ideology and misinformation perpetuated by a defunct news organization that rhymes with cocks spews.

Ann Coulter is the best at reducing things to one flippant nonsensical remark. A spokesperson for the Tea Party did the same thing recently on Bill Maher.

Elliot Spitzer was using the German economy as a model for potential reforms in our own, and this guy responded thusly, “Oh, so you want us to become Germany?”

That’s it, the argument reduced to one ridiculous statement. As far as the economy is concerned, YES, we’d like to be Germany!

Here’s the problem: you’re all going to elect the next Bush, willingly and openly, without the benefit of proper lubrication. Ask your doctor if Presidential H is right for you. Where’s that Kaopec-debate?

I may or may not vote for Obama, but why is voting for a mediocre president so frightening to you? Foxeteers still don’t get the scorecard. They’re a little slow…a tortoise on ‘ludes slow. Look, if Obama’s presidency ended today historians would grade him thusly:

Obama’s Score Card:

Domestic Front = C –

He certainly deserves some credit for avoiding a depression and saving Detroit (while turning a profit on the latter), but admittedly not much credit. He hasn’t turned the economy around, nor will he. Capitalism, the way we know it, ended in November of 2008.

Foreign diplomacy = B + (with still some potential for an A!)

In the most critical time period in many decades, with a broken economy and military, this guy pulled off some wicked shit on a shoe string budget. We’re finding out even today how the electronic war with Iran may have been even more effective than we realized. We could have saved trillions if we implemented Obama’s approach to fighting Al-Qaeda over Bush’s nation building. He used Bush’s expansion of the executive branch for the powers good, smart power. If he were a Republican, he would be hailed as Reagan Jr.

George W. Bush’s Score Card:

Domestic Front = F (I still have the PTSD)

Foreign diplomacy = F (I’m still on medication)

That’s what the history books will say, no matter how much Foxaganda begs to differ. Obama’s popularity and his domestic score will continue to tank as our economy, in its death throes, finally succumbs to decades of poor decisions. But, under Bush, we muddled through eight of some of the darkest years in our nation’s history. And next to none of you realized what was happening to our economy or to our civil liberties in real time. So until you figure out how we got here, you have no right to complain. You weren’t bellyaching when American citizens were being picked up off the street, without due process, some even tortured to the point of mental illness or death.

Not Z: Oh yeah, name one!

Mick Zano: Sure, Jose Padilla.

The government has way too much power. True. We spend too much. True. But Republicans have made just as big a mess of things, if not more. Add to the fact that you’re not even allowed to consider or comment on the corporate chaos inherent in our system…so how do I say this nicely? Umm, you’re not helping. Go drink some tea, skip the party.

To be fair, I don’t know if these folks despise R and D equally (a position I hold dear), but, if you’re only capable of regurgitating propaganda (hint: you might be a Foxeteer).

Again, I’m not saying your arguments are completely without merit, it’s the disturbing fact that you’re only permitted to acknowledge certain aspects of our problem. Sorry, but objective thinking is dead. The story of our demise has several chapters and the Foxeteers are only permitted to quote from the dedication page and the introduction. Whether you’re conservative or liberal, there’s no defending today’s media, especially Fox News. They’re a disgrace. And I will continue to say this to the chagrin of nearly 40% of our population: you are the story within the story of our time, and it’s not a very good story.

By all means, hit the contact button for a rebuttal. You’ll get a fair shake, because we’re fairly unbalanced here at the Daily Discord.

by Mick Zano • December 11, 2011

Archeologists Discover Time when Earth was "One Big Party"

Flores, Guatemala—Studying geological sediment in Central America for the last 37 beers, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Multiplex, found a layer of rock chock full of beer, wine, wild orgies, and the residue of a variety of psychedelic plants and substances. Several similar sites scattered across the globe confirm this layer of debaucherous sediment.

“It’s the stratum of all strata, an epoch of epic proportions, a party that was truly hardy,” said Dr. Hogbein. “This festival was of Biblical proportions. Not that anyone from the Bible was invited.”

Hogbein’s research team posits the party lasted nearly three hundred years after the discovery of a stone engraved sign that read, Three Centuries of Peace and Music.

“Evidence suggests they had live bands booked throughout the extraordinarily long event,” said Dr. Hogbein. “The bad news, however, decades could go by between sets.”

Dr. Hogbein’s research team believes this Beer Garden of Eden may also explain the demise of the Neanderthal.

“Homo Sapiens were better at games like beer pong and speed quarters and probably hooked up with all the women during this time period,” said Hogbein. “Neanderthals probably drank themselves to death out of disgust.”

by Mick Zano • December 3, 2011

Bacon Announces ‘Six-Degrees to Kevin Bacon’ Victory

New York, NY—Kevin Bacon is claiming the crown after being a critical component of a game/phenomenon that has spanned the planet for nearly two decades. The game, Six-Degrees of Kevin Bacon, started circa 1994 and Bacon is now claiming, “It’s over and I won.”

The Hollywood actor claims to have remained consistently ‘no degrees to Bacon’ each and every time he was challenged over the years.

“No one can dethrone me at this point. It’s over,” said Bacon.

Experts remain mixed as to whether Bacon’s claim is justified or premature.

“He was wise to declare victory during his lifespan,” said physicist Stephen Hawking. “Had he died before doing so, the game could clearly have ended very differently. Still, according to the theory of infinite possibilities, well, his victory is premature at best.”

Kevin Bacon responded to Hawking’s statement thusly, “I don’t know you, Mr. Hawking, or should I say Mister two-degrees-from-Bacon at best?”

by The Crank • December 1, 2011

How You Lakka Me Now? Noticio to All Fiat S.P.A. Shareholders

You stupido bastards, you keepa tella me, “Why u gonna buy Chrysler? Why u waista so much money on such American crap, eh?” I also get lotsa, “U stupido CEO, wherza u brains? Inna u ass?” Anna I getta, “Hey Sergio, whera u woikin nest, eh?” Okay, I’ll stop writing in accent, promise…

If you were wondering, the following is a letter I have written on behalf of Sergio Marchionne:

Dear Fiat Shareholders,

I’ve put up with all this shit from you shareholders for months now. When I agreed to purchase Chrysler, I got grief. When I said I was going to re-finance the debt we had to the U.S. Government, and save us a fortune, I got grief. NOW, all of a sudden, I’m getting no such feedback anymore. Oh, geeh! I wonder what happened. Well, I’ll tell you. The European money market crashed and burned. No one is buying any cars, whether Fiats or Ferrari’s. We can’t fukking give them away. We would normally be doing just what the rest of the European auto makers are now doing: lying to our shareholders, stealing the shareholders’ money and hiding it in our matterratzes, while waiting for the Government to either bail us out (which can’t happen, they actually have less Lire-er-I-mean EU’s on hand than we do), or close us down.

BUT, you know what’s actually happening? Weeell, I’ll tell you. That little deal I had for Chrysler, you know the one where we paid about a penny on the dollar of real worth? Yeah, that one. Well, while we Europeans watch our little experiment in socialismo crash and burn like a fukking Russian satellite, those fat-assed Americans are back to doing what they do best…buying fat-assed SUVs. The largest seller, the Grand Cherokee is from a little company called JEEP. And guess who owns Jeep? CHRYSLER. And guess who owns Chrysler? WE DO, ASSHOLES!

The Jeep Grand Cherokee is saving our greasy WOP asses, boys. So, while the rest of the European car market fizzles like last year’s birthday candles, we be in da Lire, fellas. Big Time! We changed the one thing Chrysler couldn’t do right, interiors. They were like hard plastic little torture chambers that even someone who supports water boarding couldn’t approve of. Who better to redesign a car interior, the Czechs maybe? No, us emotional Italianos. We, the masters of all things leather and chrome (not to mention flappy paddle gear changers). They had the Hemis, they had the styling, and we made the package whole.

So now I’m like a fukking clairvoyant or something, I’m the toast of the town! It’s like I have my own theme music as I saunter down the piazza.

Can I lighta u cigarette, Signiore Marchionne?

Let me get that door for you, Signiore Marchionne.

Will you appear on our TV show, Signiore Marchionne?

Would you wear one of our brand sweaters, Signiore Marchionne?

Fuck you all. I knew what I was doing, oh ye of little faith. Europe will never be the same. Crash and burn. I’m here by bringing notice that the headquarters of Fiat S.P.A. will be Auburn Hills, Michigan, U.S.A. as of January 1, 2012. That is, unless I get one HELL of a deal from the new Italian Government. You listening, Signiore Monti? You’d better be.

As for the rest of you whinny Fiat shareholders, in the immortal words of Roman Maroni, “I’m gonna cut off a u arms and I’m gonna stick’em up a u iceholes!

Respectfully Submitted,

Sergio Marchionne

P.S. You’re a bunch of farggin somna batches!

by Mick Zano • November 29, 2011

Brussels, BE—NASA and the European Union have jointly agreed to downgrade Belgium to a countrytoid. Today, this leaves planet Earth with 195 countries and 1 countrytoid. The EU warns this may be the first of many such re-designations. This status change could have implications for the Euro as well as all waffle, chocolate, and beer imports from the now demoralized ‘toid’ nation. The move comes as the countrytoid still flounders for a new government. According to Belgian and Flemish types from all across their seven-block-nation, this could not have happened at a worse time.

“This could not have happened at a worse time,” said one Flemish type in an effort to back the Discord’s earlier statement.

One Belgian Monk even broke his vow of silence to talk to the Discord, “That fucking kraut bitch can’t do this shit to us!”

The Monk didn’t say that, exactly, but we have all of our spiritual quotes translated by our Chief Spiritual Correspondent, the Ghetto Shaman. He doesn’t know French or Flemish, so he kind of winged it.

“It took Belgium 18-months just to decide if they even want to form a new government,” responded Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel. “So, when no one is minding the store, this was the perfect time to take care of business. If they want to put on their big boy lederhosen, we can upgrade them again, but until then tough titties. Look, you can have a small country with a big economy, like Israel, or you can be a big country with a poor economy, like Spain,” said Merkel, “but you can’t be a small, no government little piss ant in my neighborhood, or we’re downgrading your asses.”

by Mick Zano • November 28, 2011

Weed the People, in order to roll a more perfect spliff, establish justice, and ensure domestic tranquility. If you want to do one thing to save an ungodly amount of ‘lude, I mean loot, legalize marijuana. You will immediately save on enforcement, generate revenue, cut violence on the border, keep the Ghetto Shaman happy, and free gazillions of non-violent prisoners. Admittedly, the Ghetto Shaman should be jailed for other reasons.

I don’t actually smoke pot, I just joke about it because it’s good weed fun (GWF). GWF, we’re not the ones who smoke the pot; we’re the ones who joke about the societal consequences. But here’s the argument for not legalizing it: more people will do it so there will be an increase in associated DWIs and ultimately there will be a spike in cannabis dependence. Sure we’ll need a better mechanism to determine how much THC is legal for driving and we’ll need to educate the population on the dangers of addiction…oh, and we might want to deport the Ghetto Shaman, either way. That’s about it. There’s actually not much of an argument against legalization anymore. Oh wait, there’s greed and stupidity, or as I call it Fox News. As usual, you can break any issue down on the right into the greedy people looking to make money (in this case the drug companies) and their misinformed lackeys (the Foxeteers). Look, the people against legalization haven’t been right about anything in…well, here’s a list of what Republicans have been right about in the last decade:

Crickets…

Bullfrog croak…

…of the lambs

That’s about it, so let’s MoveOn.org. Since conservatives are against the legalization of marijuana, there must be something to it…that alone should be a ringing endorsement for legalization.

I was an addiction counselor for years and counseled about five alcoholics for every one person addicted to pot (if that). Pot is addictive, sure, but not nearly as addictive as alcohol. In fact, next to hallucinogens, it’s about the least addictive illicit substance out there, aka, somewhere between Twinkies and Twilight (there’s a zone in between there somewhere, the Twinkie Zone?).

Besides, isn’t conservativism about freedom? Pot will have the unfortunate side effect of extending the users lives a bit (over alcohol), which is the only other negative…er, if you’re a conservative (hemp panels?).

Most, but not all, of my colleagues—working in the field of addiction—agree it should be legalized. The legalization of other substances among professionals varies, but most agree on freeing the flipping seed already (FFSA). And not many claim to understand what the War on Drugs is trying to accomplish at this point, certainly not in its current form.

“Have no illusions about the true nature of the so-called “War on Drugs” and the actions of the DEA. The War on Drugs has always been about protecting the profits of the drug companies which have a long and well-documented history of copying street drugs, repackaging them as “medications” and selling them to children as FDA-approved drugs.”

—Mike Adams Natural News

So don’t just legalize medical marijuana. It needs to be free and clear for public consumption. Otherwise this is just another ‘one percent’ scam. Big Pharma and the DEA are in cahoots and, if pressure is placed on them, by anyone, a slew of Fox News talking points will surely result. Then about half the country will immediately side with the drug companies. I’m so sick of this game—it’s yet another reason to back the Occupiers. The legalization of marijuana certainly needs to be part of their platform, that, and demanding Netflix stays in line.

Meanwhile, the medical marijuana businesses are under siege:

The Treasury Department has forced banks to close accounts of medical marijuana businesses operating legally under state law. The Internal Revenue Service has required dispensary owners to pay punitive taxes required of no other businesses. The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives recently ruled that state-sanctioned medical marijuana patients cannot purchase firearms.

—Ethan Nadelmann

A long time ago our society drew the line at alcohol. Fact, in every category alcohol is more dangerous, more addictive, and more destructive to the body than pot. Can you name a category, any category, where pot is worse? I didn’t think so. Harder on the lungs, of course, so how about filtered pot? Hmmm. Better than crystal menthol.

Also, the main premise of the Gateway Theory will evaporate. The current “wisdom” is this: befriend a dealer and start with pot and you might eventually try something else because you’ve already made these seedy connections with unscrupulous drug-dealer types. So once it’s legalized, umm, thus ends the Gateway Theory. But don’t worry. Who knows? Maybe the Gateway Theory could lead to other viable theories (the Gateway Gateway Theory?).

Look, even if you are a stoic, fundamental type—you know, one of those ‘life isn’t about having fun or choices’ person…I hate to tell you this but…you lost. Game over. We’ve seen an absolute unimaginable amount of funds go to the War on Drugs as drug cartels get richer and substance abuse becomes increasingly more prevalent in our society. You lost on a scale not seen since John Huntsman’s candidacy (a guy with brains for the GOP? Fuck that shit). Even if you are a Christian zealot, what makes you think paying Mexican drug cartels is a better idea than generating revenue for the U.S. Government? Oh that’s right, starve the beast; the government is the devil and Wall Street is the Messiah. There really isn’t any way to reason with some of you, is there?

Bottom line, you lost. Chalk it up as just another thing you funded the shit out of and completely fucked up. As we go broke, if you think continuing to fund this lost cause is a good idea than you might be a Republican.

There’s also a strong spiritual argument which stems and seeds from within the New Age movement. Some are demanding the use of certain mind-altering substances for religious practices…these practices likely go back slightly farther than Jesus (2735 years farther) and have half the calories of the leading Messiah. And on the third day, he dosed. Meanwhile, there are shamans doing time right now for practicing their religion. Some even feel criminalizing ayahuasca, peyote, and Ibogaine is akin to one of the greatest civil rights violations of our time—a movement stifling the very development of consciousness itself:

Other than being against arbitrary rules that the state has imposed on us, personal drug use by adults is not a “crime” in any true moral or ethical sense and usually takes place in the privacy of our own homes, where it cannot possibly do any harm to others. For some it is a simple lifestyle choice. For others, particularly where the hallucinogens such as LSD, psilocybin, and DMT are concerned, it is a means to make contact with alternate realms and parallel dimensions, and perhaps even with the divine. For some, drugs are an aid to creativity and focused mental effort. For others they are a means to tune out for a while from everyday cares and worries. But in all cases it seems probable that the drive to alter consciousness, from which all drug use stems, has deep genetic roots.

—Graham Hancock

Keep this in mind, people who don’t do drugs tend to end up Republicans. Is that what we really want for our children? Isn’t life cruel enough?

Also, hallucinogens are currently the focus of numerous studies. They have been found to help improve personality, decrease depression and anxiety, as well as influence mood positively, especially in those not responding to more traditional treatments. You know who needs pot and hallucinogens the most? The same people that are against legalizing them. Just watch the next Republican debate and think, these people are on legal pharmaceuticals?…good God! What have we done?! Meanwhile, folks like the Ghetto Shaman feel the use of such substances are our birthright and is there a more upstanding citizen anywhere in our country than him? Bad example, but otherwise a good argument.