Tampa, FL—God is reportedly “very unhappy” with Republican values, which he feels have reached almost oxymormon levels. “That’s not a typo,” said God. “It’s a Romney Mormon joke, heh, heh. That one killed ‘em in Nazareth. No, I’m sick of the GOP. They’re getting what they deserve.”

Tampa Mayor, Bob Buckhorn, feels God is “raining on his parade” and demanded God send Moses to part the hurricane’s tidal surge, so this important convention could proceed as scheduled. Buckhorn also added, “Stop being such an omni-buttinsky!” and later, “Why don’t you say that shit to my face, bitch?!”

God responded with a targeted storm surge that swept the Mayor and his family out to sea, where they are presumably damp.

God said, “Look, I turned Isaac west. This was more intended as a warning shot across the bow kind of thing, or a time out. I didn’t want to derail the entire convention, but maybe shorten it a bit. You have to understand, I’m omnipresent, so I have to sit through this entire fucking thing.”

When asked about dropping the F-bomb, God said, “I’m also omnipotent so by definition I don’t make retractions.” Then God recited an excerpt from what he called the Gospel of Isaac. “God will show no mercy!”

Biblical scholars believe God meant to say the Gospel of Isaiah, and he kind of reversed the meaning of the original quote a bit.

God reiterated his ‘no retractions ever’ policy using five of George Carlin’s Words You Can Never Say on TV…quite creatively. He then warned if the GOP didn’t “wise up”, he would make Sodom and Gomorrah look like a Snooki tirade.

Tampa, FL—The Republican Convention is set to go, but the weather is turning ugly in Tampa and so is the rhetoric. The GOP is honing its policies and positions into one focused, laser-like-beam of bad ideas. Majority Leader John Boehner said, “Never mind the weather, we have so many bad ideas we may need a bigger venue to fit them all anyway.”

When asked about Todd Akin’s ban after his controversial rape remarks, Boehner said, “Look, a lot of us have the same views. It’s not about the dumb ideas themselves—we embrace that shit. For example have you seen Paul Ryan’s budget proposal?—but we support only bad ideas that win elections, not ones that lose them.”

Mitt Romney immediately distanced himself from Boehner’s remarks. “I don’t think bad ideas are the way forward,” said Romney. “Having ‘no ideas’ is the approach that resonates with real America. Being completely devoid of any viable position whatsoever is the way to go. If we open our mouths, we’re toast. In fact, I plan on missing all the Obama debates by contracting some type of botchalism.”

Romney later corrected his statement, “I meant botulism, but I haven’t decided between that or West Nile Papyrus.”

Saying something stupid, but getting a bounce in the polls, is fine with the GOP, but if you lose support with said dumb idea then it’s hast la vista baby. On a related note, former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is also banned from attending the GOP Convention.

“We really don’t want anyone attending from California at all,” said Romney, “unless it’s Nancy Pelosi in piñata form.”

Amsterdam, NL—Congressman Kevin Sea of GaliWeewee Yoder and Prince Isn’t it Supposed to Stay in Vegas? Harry plan to double down on their recent antics. The pair is scheduled to meet in Amsterdam over Labor Day weekend to kick things up a notch. After imbibing heavily on the Blood of Christ, Rep. Yoder plans to strip to some reggae music outside of the Anne Frank Museum. “Oh, and I have an announcement,” said Yoder. “Where better to come out of the closet, eh?”

Meanwhile, Prince Harry is planning an English style pub-crawl that will culminate at the Space Cake cart over on Blitzedbuggerstraat.

Rep. Yoder told the press today, “It’ll be like in the Wonder Twins. We touch rings, we say, ‘team drunkenness activate, form of nakedness’. It will be kind of like that, only way cooler.”

At the designated hour, the two will rendezvous at the Heineken Brewery, strip off their clothing, and then dive into the Amstel River to the cheers of adoring fans. EMTs will be standing by as the Amstel River makes New York’s East River seem like a Poland Springs’ commercial.

“No one is going to even know who Lady F-ing Godiva is after this stunt,” said Prince Harry.

Her majesty, the Queen, is forbidding the young Prince to participate and the GOP is warning Yoder that he may take increased criticism from his Kansas constituents.

Prince Harry replied, “Piss off! The Queen will let me out of the Tower of London by Labor Day, guaranteed. See you in space cake land, Yoder!”

Rep. Yoder added, “Look, no one in Kansas is going to elect a Democrat. I could get high on meth one night and dig up Reagan and I’m still a shoe-in.”

Xiangyin, China–General Tso, a man famous for his oriental deep fried chicken, is being sought in the disappearance of several #17s from the menu at the Jade Fountain over on 4^th Str…umm, to be honest, Zano hasn’t submitted anything in awhile. He’s fallen off the radar again and, to complicate matters, so has the Ghetto Shaman. If I didn’t know any better, I would say it’s a Bruce Wayne/Batman kind of thing. But I‘ve seen both of these cats in the same place. The last time was at our company Christmas party back in 2010. I got them both very nice pen sets that turned out to be pencils. Besides, back to the Batman analogy, I’m afraid neither one of them can be described as mild-mannered. I think with Zano and the Shaman, it’s more like if Robin had a sidekick…and then Robin’s sidekick had a sidekick. That’s getting close to capturing the essence of these bananas, who, apparently split. See? These are the jokes I write when the main writers go MIA.

I really don’t know where this project is going anymore. I can’t control these people. Submission and deadlines are passé. Try envisioning the Marx Brothers on acid and you begin to understand the herding cats-type, Herculean task I deal with on a post-to-post basis. Really, it’s more like if the Marx Brothers hung around Cheech & Chong for a couple of “sessions” and then went to the Amazon together to gnaw on some hallucinogenic roots. Yeah, it’s something like that…only more out of control.

I am seriously considering going with my original idea—a psychiatric food blog. Stay with me here. So if you’re depressed, I’ll have a series of culinary recipes designed to offset some of those specific symptoms. Are you a little manic because of a bi-polar disorder? Try my Depakote Devil’s food cake. A little hyper? How about some Ritalinguini and clam sauce? Are you hearing the voices again? Try my famous chicken Thorazzini. I think it could taste great and really cut down on the mass shootings in this country. If my writers don’t resurface soon, get ready to order some of my FDA-approved psychotropic suppers!

Brugge, BE—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, stunned the archeological community today by speaking at an important conference in Brugge, when he was not invited to do so. For his antics, the Police Fédérale in Belgium have detained the good doctor and are planning to deport him to either Syria or to a pirate ship off the cost of Somalia.

Before security could intervene, Dr. Hogbein addressed the scholarly audience. He said, “I have proof Stonehenge was formed by rain, wind, and fire. The site is a geological anomaly created over the last 17-million years by volcanism and other natural forces. And I have 100% proof to back my claims!” He then chugged the remainder of his bottle of Evan Williams Kentucky Whiskey, hurled the empty bottle at the nearest security personnel and was finally dragged off stage.

One archeologist who witnessed the spectacle said, “When he was being escorted out, he shouted something about buggering the Loch Ness druids. I would have liked to have heard more about that, but Rain, Wind, and Fire? Weren’t they just that funky American band from the seventies? How could they have created Stonehenge? Preposterous. We’re pretty sure the site is older than that.”

State College, PA—Penn State University announced its replacement pick for the recently dismantled Joe Paterno statue. The Dean of the University, David H. Monk, announced his institution’s decision to honor the first Penn State fan to ever drink all 80-beers at a favorite local watering hole, Zeno’s Pub.

“The decision wasn’t easy,” said Dean Monk. “We also considered the dude who mooned the ‘87 graduating class from the Old Main clock tower. And then there’s always the first guy to throw up at the Rathskeller back in 1958. What a mess. See? There’s still a lot to honor here in Crappy Valley.”

When asked why the University failed to choose the Rathskeller for selling the most Rolling Rock cases in a single day, Monk replied, “We considered that, we really did, but they kind of lost me by breaking the Guinness Book of World Records with a beer other than Guinness. Who the hell drinks Rolling Rock? I’m supposed to be proud of that?”

Instead, Penn State ultimately chose Zeno’s first man to go ‘Around the World in 80-Beers.’

Dean Monk added, “We’re honoring the first guy to ever accomplish this feat. He’s the first name on the first plaque among an ever-growing line of winners lining that pub’s southern wall. It’s been a standing tradition here at Penn State for decades, unless you try doing it all in one night…in which case, you won’t be standing. I learned that one the hard way, heh, heh.”

When asked for the name of the man, Monk replied, “I don’t know. It’s on the statue and it’s on that damn plaque. Can’t we just get passed this shit now and play some foosball?!”

With Penn State unable to participate in football anymore, scholarships are now available for those who excel at the foosball table in the back room.

Washington, DC—People in the heartland might need to cling to their guns and their Bibles a little tighter, because President Obama told the press today, “I’m takin’ em, bitches.” Mr. Obama hopes it’s not going to be ‘from their cold dead hands’, but told the press “whatever it takes.” He is offering food stamps for all guns turned peaceably into authorities—regardless of their condition!

All of the guns will then be shipped to Mexico as part of “an important conspiracy operation thingie.” Obama told reporters, “All the nefarious details of the program have not been ironed out yet, but I can tell you this, it will be sufficiently sinister and will somehow involve socialism.”

If re-elected, Obama plans to use Bush’s expansions of executive power to enact all kinds of revenge laws. “I will overturn the 1^st and 2^nd Amendment, just because. I will send Justice Scalia on that one way Dutch Mars mission. I’m going to tax everything from air to some of the smaller particulates and components of air. And wait until those gasbags on the right get a load of my fart tax. Methane emissions are a big fart, er…a big part of global warming. I also intend to balloon the deficit so that it can be seen from space. Then I can sit up there and have plenty of time to think about other ways to ruin small businesses. Oh yeah, and I’m going dismantle the Vatican brick by brick with help from my friends over at the Muslim Brotherhood,” said Obama.

The Discord’s Mick Zano added, “All things considered, it still sounds better than Romney…especially the Scalia part.”

NPR is now suing the Discord for using the phrase ‘all things considered’ without permission.

Philadelphia, PA—According to important internet research, maximizing a site’s use of key words can markedly boost traffic. So please enjoy our new format and feel free to Kardashian, Phelps Lochte, xxx thai hookers, Mitt Romney abroad, YouTube yourself, eHarmony.

As the CEO of the Daily Discord, Peirce Winslow, I would like to assure our readers the quality of our content and our dedication to journalistic integrity will not be—I’m bored, meet singles in your area, violent storms, lesbian toys, Joe Paterno statue—compromised.

Just give yourselves some time to adjust to our new style, which many find reminiscent of the Beat movement of the Jlo, Sandusky victims, Obamacare, fast and furious, aurora shooting, midget porn, Google Maps, Viagra, Cialis, Enzyte for men, Higgs Boson, Facebook, Tom Cruise.

And be sure to read Mick Zano’s upcoming feature on UFO sightings, ebola outbreak, Katy Perry, penis enlargement. You’ll be glad you did. Happy ending massage, typhoon.

New London, CT—Mayor Daryl Finizio admitted to a grievous error not seen since Sanjaya’s American Idol championship denial in 2007. I still believe Sanjaya! The town of New London Connecticut accidentally spent 37-million on preparations for the 2012 Summer Olympics. The mistake originated from a single piece of mis-delivered mail. The International Olympic Committee’s letter was sent to the Mayor of New London’s office, instead of its intended recipients in England.

The Post Master General, Biff Lavin, claims, “The letter weighed several ounces over the 42¢ postage limit and may have had the wrong zip code. Either of these factors might have contributed to the delivery error.”

The ill-timed letter discussing the final preparation for the Olympics sent the Mayor of New London into a frenzy of unnecessary preparation. He is now trying to put the best possible spin on events. “The marathon course will make a great skateboard park, or a barcrawl route…or something. The massive mountain created for the mountain biking event could be converted into a smaller mountain…for the purpose of… Look, this state is flatter than Mitt Romney’s emotional range. We need the elevation. If Connecticut smoked all the pot in Mexico, it still wouldn’t get any higher. It makes Kansas look like the friggin’ Swiss Alps,” said Finizio.

The mayor is not commenting on why his city built a 7-million dollar luge track for what is obviously the Summer Olympics, or why he chose the same designer from the deadly debacle in Vancouver in 2010.

“Mistakes were made,” said Finizio. “It’s like the deficit, why are we still counting? You try preparing for the Olympics in two weeks on my MF-ing budget, bitches!”