Washington, DC—Despite every effort to displace the incumbent, Romney’s political advisors were not happy with his chances to win the election. That all changed when they discovered an overlooked voting demographic, the Undead (not of the Mormon variety).

When asked to elaborate on this new strategy, Romney’s ‘Special Projects’ lead, Vincent Drake, had this to say: “We aren’t pulling any tricks here. These are all registered undead voters. If you’re a registered voter and you can pull the lever, then you can vote. We have had some issues with limbless zombies or some losing their hands in the machine, but that’s the price we’re willing to pay to save this country for the wealthiest one percent.”

When asked if voter I.D. laws will negatively impact the zombie vote, Drake replied, “Yeah, most of them don’t have wallets, let alone picture I.D. And, being dead an all, it would be hard to tell if you have the same person anyway. Hell, some may even accidentally vote for Obama. It’s not perfect, but we do hope some liberal voters will be eaten in the process. Then guess who they’re voting for?”

The Obama campaign is hitting back with their, Operation Head Shot, which aims to eliminate some of these Republican supporters.

Romney’s camp responded to that program today. “That’s voter suppression at its worst. It’s just like you leftist tree hugging, welfare mom loving, gay sex having, drug taking, anti-firearm scum! The undead have rights too, you prejudiced bastards. It’s always Breathers First with you people. You’re discriminating against decomposers! You liberals make me sick…right down to my exposed and dangling entrails.”

The Romney campaign is denying allegations they’re raising more of the dead to increase voter turnout.

“We aren’t using any necromancy, if that’s what you’re implying,” said Drake. “After all, Romney only has a few dozen necromancers on the payroll. Obama is probably too good to hire wizards who fiddle with dead bodies, which again proves he’s prejudice against the Life-Impaired.”

All of the undead from Vampires to Zombies apparently love Romney. Think of all the things they have in common:

1. They both don’t care about human rights.
2. Neither group wants to waste precious tax dollars keeping people alive through healthcare.
3. Undead never get abortions.
4. Zombies may rise out of their grave, but they’ll never raise your taxes.
5. Both are soulless.
6. Romney cannibalizes businesses for money, while zombies just cannibalize.
7. Like the super-rich, vampires drain the life out of the living and leave them a weak impoverished husk.
8. Much like Republicans, the undead love a nice drawn out war, “mmm, battlefield victims.”
9. Both use only the primitive reptilian parts of the brain.
10. Both advocate for mindless consumerism.

Local stalwart, Jack Primus, had this to say, “Romney sucks the life out of everything he touches and he wants to leave our country a desolate wasteland, where the uber-rich hide in gated communities while the rest of us fight for scraps. Every election cycle the Republicans present worse and worse candidates. I thought no one could be dumber or fouler than W, but then Palin reared her diabolical head. Now Romney makes her look like a philanthropist who takes in orphans during food drives. What next Jeffrey Dahmer 2016! Soylent Green in every pot!”

So, as you can see, the Romney campaign might just be getting the shot in the arm they need and just like Reanimator their election hopes could be rising from the dead to take a big bite out of Obama’s chances.

Flagstaff, AZ—Oh joyous day, oh rapture, the Tea Party Express pulled into my town on 9/29. I haven’t witnessed anything that disturbing since the Discord’s coverage of Prince Charles streaking. I attended the event for two main reasons: one, it was girls’ night out so I needed to amuse myself until the “Pick utth up at Chharrrly’s” request arrived and, two, I have a political masochistic streak the size of the Ghetto Shaman’s bar tab.

Initially, I drove right past the event and misinterpreted the bus logo as Tea Party Espresso. This is Flagstaff, after all, and a big bus selling caffeinated goodness is going to be very popular here in Little Seattle. I almost stopped, but the line seemed waaay too long. Then it struck me a short time later…holy shit, The Tea Party Express! Ohhhh, not cappuccino, just a crap machino. Not an Americano, but a ‘Mericano, not a…I’m being told to stop.

(Please see my Manurechiato joke in the director’s cut of this post. Oh, and my Iced Dirty Lie Latte. Okay, I’m steeping…er, stopping. Thanks for allowing me to venti.)

So I grabbed my camera and headed back down the hill. I wasn’t going to be donning my chauffer’s cap for awhile so why not get away from all of my Earthly concerns and enter ‘The Bubble’. I arrived about halfway through the festivities. Great, an hour left. Two words, Mr. Winslow, hazard pay.

About 100+ people were in attendance when I arrived. This Real America love fest was being held in the parking lot of a local car dealership, McCoy Motors. So I immediately asked one of the ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ peeps, “Umm, did you know there’s an Occupy meeting over at Hatfield Honda and they’re looking to come over here to start trouble?” No response. I also asked someone if the GOP was trying to court the used car salesman vote? Okay, I was going to need to start behaving myself. After all, I was the only sandal wearing, jeans wearing, hairy guy in attendance. I didn’t have a cowboy hat, I didn’t have an oxygen tank, and I didn’t have an American flag tattooed to my forehead…I stuck out like an independent thought.

Folks like these can smell an ‘occupier’ a mile away. Hey, cut us some slack, we rarely have access to shower facilities. I looked around. None of my friends were there. Imagine that? This was like that Charlie Daniel’s concert last month on steroids. Johnny rosin up your bullshit.

From then on I behaved. I had to. I did make some involuntary sounds when obvious nonsense was being peddled. So, yeah, I kind of sounded like I a rattlesnake with gastritis. Don’t Fart On Me? A couple of people gave me dirty looks when I ssth, or phsffft, or I occasionally coughed ‘bullshit’ under my breath.

When I arrived this blond chick was on stage (photo above). She was busy telling the crowd, “Some of you may be thinking of voting for a third party this year, well, let me tell you something, no third party candidate has ever been elected. This country has never elected a third party candidate and we never will. It’s always been a Republican or a Democrat and, when I go into that booth, I can whole heartedly support and endorse Republican candidate, Mitt Romney!”

What a disgusting view. There will never be a viable third party in this country? Oh, that’s right, they don’t believe in evolution. Funny, if they could only see themselves thumping their chests after her speech…then maybe. Republicans in the Mist?

So this group that should have opted to become a third party is now announcing the utter impossibility of anything other than Dumb or Dumber forever. Romney/Ryan 2012: No Hope, No Change, No Chance? Hasn’t she ever heard of the Transcosmetic Party? And what about the Whig Party? They elected a couple of presidents, didn’t they? So it’s not entirely unpresidented. Sorry.

Then that blond chick did something I’ll never forget as long as I live. She pointed to me and made this strange guttural sound. It was kind of like the end of that Donald Sutherland version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, only creepier. Then I was wrestled into the bus and forced to watch endless episodes of Fox & Friends Clockwork Orange-style, until my IQ sank like the global economy on supply-side economics.

Okay that didn’t happen. In fact, the last sequence was inspired by our last Crank feature, here . But she did say, “It’s time to send Barack HUSSIEEN Obama back to Chicago.” See how it’s spelled wrong? She said it spelled wrong. I don’t know how she did that, but she managed. Then she railed on the Dems for taking out the words “God-Given” from their platform and then she sang a song about how Tea Partiers are not all stupid racists during a song that sounded…umm, never mind. One verse warned ‘Merica that we were quickly becoming the U.S.S.A (Hint: the other S was not—like in that mattress commercial—for Savings). Soros? Societal elite? Sodomites? Smart?

Wow, what a magical evening. No really, it was a delicate blend of magical thinking and bullshit (magical stinking?). The best things in life ARE Free! When I saw Bill Maher live in Vegas a couple of weeks ago, he said the Republican Party should change their symbol from the elephant to the unicorn. Nice one, Bill. I only caught his show because, upon leaving McMullen’s, I saw this marquee over at The Orleans. I think there’s a lesson in there for everyone. I’m just not exactly sure what that lesson would be.

Then the bus driver for the Tea Party Express himself greeted his adoring fans. He’s apparently like their Otto man, minus the headphones, the long hair, or the illicit substances. “Hey, Bart, dude!” So Otto man, apparently named Ray, came out and yelled, “It’s great to be here in New….

Without missing a beat, someone in the audience yelled “JERSEY!!!”

That someone was me. Heh, heh. No one laughed. I thought it was hysterical. It was the only bit of levity in an otherwise completely inane group of songs and speeches better suited for the children’s fantasy section of my local bookstore. The Dragon Liars of Palin? The Lyin’, the Bitch, and the Dogma? That was by B.S. Lewis, right?

Ray apologized—he must have meant New Mexico—but he chalked up the gaffe to the already long road trip. I can only imagine. What a wrong deranged trip it’s been? I’m a grateful Dem, myself. Then he asked all of us Jersians to do three important things:

1. Talk to everyone we know to make sure they vote for Romney (I already do that. I’m a comedian).        
2. Pray Obama loses this November or gets hit by a meteorite (the last part was implied).
3. Fill up this red pail of discourage with cash (which he then waved around meaningfully). This was important, not so much to get Romney elected, but to fill the tank and get us all some much needed beer and chicken wings (the last part was implied).

Then we were all asked to yell, as loud as we could, “We don’t believe in fairies. We don’t, we don’t!!”

And then we stoned a young man wearing a Will & Grace T-shirt to death. It was a truly barbaric act. I just pretended to throw stones to fit in. Really. That was the most honest and accurate part of the evening’s festivities. It all went downhill from there.

Meanwhile, my Congressional district 1 Representative wannabe, Jonathon Paton, took the mic and said:

“I never thought I would live to see the day an American President would bow to other country’s leaders. I never thought I would live to see the day government ran our healthcare system. I never thought I would live to see the day a Muslim socialist fuckwad would be telling our troops what to do!”

Did I mention this part was paraphrased? But you get the idea….this group doesn’t have any. The whole event can be summarized thusly: a watered down version of a Fox News talking point. It was as if someone only had access to Sean Hannity’s noble words from the kitchen, while doing the dishes, on Oxycontin (Oxycontin clean? Sorry Billy). Yep, it was Fox minus all of their usual, er…substance. Think about that for a minute. So you’re saying they had less facts than their candidates, Zano? Is that even possible? Actually, it was about what I expected. How could it be otherwise? Truth trickles down…well, if you start with some. They handed out a flyer listing all of Obama’s failings and broken promises, which can be summarized roughly as:

“Obama has not been able to totally undo the damage of our past voting records…yet.”

It’s disturbing to see, first hand, the damage Fox News has done to these otherwise wonderful god-fearing folks. To think of all the great things these people could have done with their time, like watch Justice Jeanine on Fox News (I’m getting to that). Somehow the bat-shit Right has managed to turn a political rally into a church group, Facebook Meetup from hell. But, then again, it was kind of fun stoning that fag. So it wasn’t a complete loss.

It’s amazing how they can rattle off a whole list of “apocalyptic” things that I don’t give a shit about. I think this faction of our society should all be handed last week’s Newsweek article President Obama: The Democrats’ Ronald Reagan.

Sorry, this is closer to what the history books are going to say. Of course, Obama’s a tad more fiscally conservative than Reagan and a lot smarter, but you get the idea. As for what the Tea Party believes, frankly, that only exists in a world of their own making (Romnia? I prefer to live in Zanodu, which is Never-Never Bland. I do believe in stoning fairies! I do, I do!).

I thought about interviewing a few people, but what would be the point? I know how they think, or, in their case, don’t think. I can answer every question for them. Fox News has already assimilated every misinformed, all-or-none thinker into some sort of Hee Haw Borg. Persistence is fruitful? It worked for Goebbels.

I actually went home rather depressed. Why hadn’t the Tea Party seized that independent vein of our country? Why hadn’t they done something meaningful with their angst? Why were they aligning themselves with the terminally wrong brigade? What the hell were they smoking? I smelled nothing in the air, save the Big John’s Texas BBQ truck parked out back. Yes, the air was full of the spicy hot smell of freedom.

Then I get home and the girls still hadn’t called. So I did something I don’t think I’ve ever done on a Saturday night…I turned on Fox News. I just had to find some closure. I only had about ten minutes until my daughter insisted on turning on J.K. Rowling and the Goblet of Royalties. I usually focus on prime time Fox News bullshit, but there I was turning on something called Justice Jeanine. Here’s a woman you wouldn’t normally find outside of a Bachmann rally. Again, this is paraphrased, if you want real journalistic integrity turn on Comedy Central:

Justice Jeanine: The Middle East is on fire and Obama and is siding with the Muslims over Israel!

Guest: Yeah, but Obama did kill Bin Laden and most of al-Qaeda’s top leadership.

Justice Jeanine: Who cares?

That’s when I shut it off….after about thirty seconds of her scholarly wisdom. Who cares? That part isn’t paraphrased. She really said that. Who cares? Okay, umm, who cares we nailed the top leadership of Al-Qaeda as well as possibly the single most culpable individual for the death of over 3,000 Americans on American soil. And wasn’t a Republican in charge when 9/11 happened? So the worst Al-Qaeda can do today is attack one dude in an embassy during a vacuum of power in friggin’ Libya? But that’s worse than 9/11…really? So it was better when lower Manhattan and our Pentagon were ablaze…WTF, lady?

Now, let’s pretend Judge Jeanine and the Tea Party ralliers were all willing to hear me talk for five minutes. I would step up to the mic and say, “Damn! Give it up for Big John’s Texas BBQ! How about that brisket, people?!”

Yeah, it’s not worth it. You can’t teach the unteachable.

Shortly after the re-inauguration of Barak Obama, I was in line at Carl’s Jr. when they came for me. I had heard about the banning of large drinks in New York and thought, “Wow, good thing I live in Arizona.” People here don’t like so much Government involvement in their daily lives. That’s why Arizona has a stockpile of weirdness. We were free to be as weird as we wanted and we like it that way. After all, true freedom is the freedom to not be like everyone else, even when that means having no brains. It’s who we are.

I had been losing weight, but I had a lot to go to be considered “not obtuse”…er, I mean “not obese”. Someone told me it was a good thing I was losing weight, good for me and good for America. I did not really understand what he meant by that, but I knew I didn’t like it. I now know why.

As I said, I was in line at Carl’s Jr. when they came for me. I was just sitting in the Ram, waiting for the Mensa candidate wearing the headphones to take my order. I had Joe Walsh on the stereo, his new release, Analog Man. I was jamming to I’m Just Lucky that Way (Walsh’s follow-up to his now 20+ year old hit Life’s Been Good). As I pulled up to the ordering area, I opened my window to speak to the little black box on a stick. But then there was a loud noise, followed by gunfire. As I turned around to see what looked like a Swat vehicle followed by a large bus, I felt the sting of cold steel against my neck. When I turned back, there was a large man in full swat regalia holding a gun to my neck.

“Out of the vehicle,” he said. My response? Probably the wrong one. “Say WHAT?!” It was then I found out firsthand how quickly and easily a fat man can be forced through a truck window. Two larger men stood me up.

“On your knees”, one of them said.

Again, my response was not the best. “Do you see the scars on my knees, I cannot kneel.” I then found out firsthand just why the Doctor told me never to kneel. My deluxe Golfer’s Style Deputy Stainless steel left knee did dent his gun stock when he hit me, so I was in pain, but still laughing.

I was lead into the bus and forced into a seat on the aisle over the rear wheels. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I realized I was not alone. I was in a bus full of what looked like Wal-Mart regulars—you know, layers of fat surrounded by not enough clothing. People who obviously lack mirrors in their homes.

I was probably the thinnest one on the bus. As I looked around for some kind of signs to tell me just who the fuck I was being held by, I saw a placard over the driver’s head that read: Dept. of Homeland Security: Lipid Division.

Oh shit, they went and done it after all, I thought.

Like the scene in Planet of the Apes when Charlton Heston sees the half buried Lady Liberty and shouts, “You bastards, you blew it all to hell!” It was kind of like that only more dramatic.

When the next line of Wal-A-Tubbies was marched in, I started to yell for an explanation but I felt a small hand on my shoulder. I turned to see a little old fat lady. She told me to be quiet. I watched through the window as my beloved Ram was put on a car transport, never to be seen by me again.

As we rode to who-knows-where, all I could think of was my wife, and how she would arrive home from work to find I was gone. I must admit that the mere thought of being away from my wife for any length of time now scares the Hell out of me. At first I’m sure she would rejoice, but I know she would eventually miss me. Well, I hoped so at the time.

As the bus rolled to a stop, the driver’s armed guard stood up. “OK fatties, up and out, single file, and NO SHIT, or I shoot.”

As I got off the bus, I looked around to see only beige—beige everywhere in the form of sand. Lots of sand. It was about 110 and dry, so I figured we were somewhere west of Phoenix, but not quite California. Quonset-hut type buildings surrounded us, and we were whisked off to one. As we were walking, I noticed we were being watched by someone in a rather strange uniform, kind of like if an Italian Policeman’s uniform and a Nazi uniform had a child. As I looked closer, I recognized the little prick from the lifts in his shoes, and the fact that he was standing on a box. It was New York’s Mayor Bloomberg! He was now called the Generalissimo, Co-President and Field Marshal for Life Bloomberg. I left the line to spit in his face.

I woke up on a cot in one of the huts, my head hurt like a som’bitch. That little old fat lady was wiping my head with a cool wet rag.

“Hey, you are awake,” she said. “What’s your name?”

“Crank,” I said.

“You made quite a scene out there…got a lotta balls. No friggin’ brains, but lottsa balls.”

I told her that was what my wife said to me on our first date, and she laughed.

By the third day we had named our hut ‘Jabba’. We were fed twice a day, rice, vegetables and some kind of soy shit. It was gross drivel with only water to wash it down. I was having major withdrawal from Coke, and we were all shitting our brains out from the soy overload. They did manage to get me my Ritalin substitute, but no other meds were forthcoming. My tremors returned as did the arthritis. Pissed off–shaking with pain and hunger—the word ‘fuck’ became nearly my entire vocabulary, similar to my Zano rebuttals.

By the fourth day I learned everyone had named their huts ‘Jabba’ as well. We saw no officials, were told no news. We were not able to communicate with the outside at all.

On the sixth day, we were led to a fence on the perimeter of the ‘encampment’ to put it nicely. A line of busses pulled up, and people started to get off the busses. Wait, I thought, these were not fat people. No these were family of the incarcerated. I watched intently looking for my wife. I felt a hand touch mine through the chain-link fence. It was her. She was crying and simultaneously pissed off, something women are really good at.

“Bring any snacks?” I asked.

“Don’t talk,” she said. “We don’t have much time. You were arrested the day after he was re-elected. Obama made being overweight illegal. He has dissolved Congress and he runs Homeland Security. The Department of Justice, the S.E.I.U. and the E.P.A. are his army.”

“Are you OK?” I asked. “What has happened to Gort?”

“Honey, I’m sorry, but your truck is gone forever. All vehicles with under 30 M.P.G. are to be melted down to build Chevy Volts,” she said.

“Oh God, they dun melted my Gort!” I named my Ram Gort after the robot in the original Day The Earth Stood Still movie. Like the Gort robot, my Ram was stupid as a doorknob, ridiculously strong, tough as all hell, and loyal to a fault.

“All the Walsh CD’s too?” I asked.

“Yes, them too,” she replied.

“Not Walsh! Those evil bastards!”

“The government raided Hostess Bakeries this morning, killing 120 people.” She then put her hand on my shoulder through the holes in the chain link fence and whispered. “Crank, listen to me. They burned the Twinkies, all the Twinkies. And the Coke is all gone. They drained all the stored syrup into the river. It was just like the old movies about prohibition that you made me sit through on the fucking History Channel. Obama disarmed the regular military too. But we are fighting this. Sure, you are a fat man, but you are MY fat man, and I want you back.” With that, she said goodbye, and was led back to the bus. I watched her as she went away, wishing she was here to make us some of her great Linzer Tarts, or peanut butter/chocolate chip cookies. Couldn’t she have at least smuggled-in a Snickers?

After a few weeks, one of the guards started to sneak in barbeque sauce. It made the soy shit edible. He did it because his brother Bubba was one of us, only the Feds didn’t know it. They were from West Virginia, but his brother was in Mesa, attending A.S.U., and everyone in West Virginia has the same last name. One night, the guard, Billy-Bob, told us that some of the guards were having second thoughts, as many of them had friends or family incarcerated. He told us they were going to rebel and set us free. They just ask that we run like hell when the time comes. I said for him to take a good look at us, and say that again. He laughed.

It seems as though lots of Obama’s army was starting to fold like a Chinese car in a head-on with a bus, as we started to hear about skirmishes throughout the land. Everyone had stopped paying taxes by then, so like Europe, they were running out of cash fast, and China told Obama to have a nice day. Regular Army stationed in other countries were not forced to surrender their weapons as the stateside ones were, and were all on their way back to the U.S. to help with any overthrow. Whose Navy and Air Force were they using to get home? I was later told that the only real help was from Israel and Australia. When asked if he could help get some of the troops home, Netanyahu had said, “This one’s on me. I hate the bastard.”

The end came one day when some fat ex-Marines greased themselves up and squeezed their asses into some Harrier jets we had sold to Israel. We all heard the missiles hit the guardhouse, looked up to see a jet with a blue star on it, and that’s when we ran. Well, we were fat, so we kind of hurried away. We all looked like a slow-motion wave of human flesh as we scurried out into the desert. The running of the Weebels? We later stole the bus that had brought us here, and heard on the radio that some of the Harriers went to D.C. and Obama was forced to give himself up to the Portly Protectors of Freedom (which is also a good new name for the Republican Party).

As our bus made it back to Phoenix, my wife heard news of our escape, and was there to greet us. As we all got off the bus, she ran to me and we hugged like never before. It was then I noticed she had a package with her. She had an evil smile and giggled as she handed me the package. It was a box of eight Twinkies and a 20 oz Coke. I thought about how many milliseconds it would have taken me to scarf down the lot, and slowly I handed them back to her.

“If I lose weight, it will be because I want to, not because I am being forced to. It’s all about American freedom. They will never succeed in…oh, the hell with it, gimme that damn Twinkie.”

After the last gulp of Coke, I leaned back and belched the word “FREEDOM!” Freedom tasted real good to me. Twice.

I bought the first new Ram (Gort II?) off the transport when they restarted production. Thank the Lord them shifty little Italians at Fiat discretely moved all the plans and stampings to Italy when the shit went down. They were the only truck out for almost a year. Walk-a proud Sergio, Walk-a proud.

Crank

Umm, let me think (cue squiggly flashback sequence): I had just lost everything in the stock market, I was doctor shopping for benzodiazepines, and after I drank myself to sleep each night with a bucket of vodka, I prayed to the God Yig that Bush wouldn’t start a land war in Iran. Umm, yeah, I’m thinking a tad better. Now I’m in therapy instead of abusing valium and I’m almost completely off the vodka…er, well, I do occasionally chug hand sanitizer when my sponsor isn’t looking.

Okay, most of that is bullshit, but you get the idea. More importantly, are we better off than we were four beers ago? I think I am. A few more and I might even start understanding the GOP platform. If Romney loses, Fox News is in real trouble. But will a second term be enough to burst their bubble? Damian Thompson over in England recently asked, “Remind me again, how did the GOP end up with this idiot as their candidate?” Well, there in hangs a post. I started talking about this phenomenon a long time ago in a Discord article far, far away. It’s a story that involves a broken party, one almost completely devoid of what the rest of us would call rationality.

“Romney was the best they had. The very best. Let that sink in for a bit.”

—Kevin Drum

Not everything is takers vs. makers or Tea Party vs. Occupy, or Twilight vs. Star Trek….umm, well, that last one’s true. But there is such a thing as compromise, such a thing as overlap, such a thing as a Venn diagram (although Romney has not mastered this yet). Most of life involves ratios and grey areas and complex situations like the Middle East, or Robert Ludlum novels, or surprise parole officer visits. Our Commander-In-Chief will need more choices in his or her arsenal than bomb or don’t bomb. Can you say Stuxnet? Cheney couldn’t. His friends were military contractors, not computer programmers.

Hopefully Romney will be toast after the debates…and he will remain toast, Matt Drudge, no matter how many BS headlines your site links to. The GOP has been attempting to create a post-truth world, but groups are finally fighting back. For instance, the Union of Concerned Scientists, kind of like the Justice League with lab coats, published a study showing 93% of the information on Fox News regarding Climate Change is crap. But, in Fox’s defense, I think it’s only about 90% crap for their other topics. I want to take back the truth, so adults can discuss issues again—not hurl ideological drivel at one another. The choice between a slow recovery under Obama, or an utter collapse under Romney, is yours.

If Romney wins, the Right will continue their Rovian version of reality, minus any ideas, any understanding of history, or any coherent thoughts whatsoever. Don’t we have enough of that on the Discord? But, if Obama is re-elected, two cool things are going to happen:

1.) Someone with a clue will remain in the White House (as opposed to Botman and Robem’. Holy 47%, Botman!…to the bat shit poll!)

2.) A new Conservative cable news station will emerge, hopefully based on some semblance of facts and journalistic integrity.

Of course, Dems need to hold onto the Senate and the Presidency. If that happens, another less evil Rupert Murdoch might seize this opportunity to create a viable conservative media alternative. Could there finally be a Right at the end of the tunnel?

Fox News isn’t going away any time soon, but if a Conservative reform movement occurs it has huge implications for ‘Merica. We might even be able to retrieve that A. After Ted Koppel dissed Fox News in a recent interview, Bill O’Reilly defended his record by saying he still thinks he’s doing something “noble”. Really? Noble? We are more divided and polarized as a group than any other time since 1879! Fox News is about the most culpable player in this disturbing trend. A very noble accomplishment, Bill’O, but dividing us is also radical Islam’s plan. So they must be noble too, Allah Akbar (no relation to Admiral Ackbar).

The GOP still has a clear advantage because the evil geniuses of the world are funding the shit out of each race and spin every story like Lindsay Lohan performing Ice Capades. If Romney becomes President, which is increasingly less likely, all bets are off. The more this man talks, the more obvious it becomes just how dangerously incompetent he is. He’s the candidate Karl Rove built, so how could he be otherwise?

I reached my own conclusions about Romney. I remember him trying to be the GOP’s choice in 2008. I figured, even then, he would be next. He’s possibly the only Republican who showed not the beginning of an inkling of any insight whatsoever regarding the debacle that was the Bush Administration. John McCain came out against torture, Ron Paul was against Republican spending and imperialism, even Mike evangelical Huckabee openly criticized the Bush Administration. “This administration’s bunker mentality has been counterproductive both at home and abroad.”

Romney never saw any fault in arguably the worst administration in history, which is stunning. How will his administration differ from Bush’s? Inquiring minds want to know…

“One day, a Republican presidential candidate will exorcise Bush’s ghost. But most likely, he or she will do so by bluntly telling Americans where Bush’s presidency went wrong, and how their presidency will be different. Until that happens, George W. Bush will be present at every Republican and Democratic convention for years to come, whether anyone invites him or not.”

—Peter Beinart

“The American people remember George W. Bush. And they’re not as stupid as Rush Limbaugh tries to be.”

—Andrew Sullivan

Romney’s lack of insight, even by typical Republican standards, is astounding. Outside of the business world, he doesn’t know Mitt. Hasn’t anyone briefed him on foreign affairs? He sounds like Palin tweeting drunk. With each address, each convention, each statement, each news cycle, he will continue to lose more and more support of our Independents. The New York Times recently covered this story Amid Discord, Romney Aims to Sharpen Message.

What message? There is no message beyond hate, fear, and paranoia. And when did Romney appear on the Discord? How do you keep spinning this record of yours? Sorry, but it has more dings and scratches than Michael J. Fox’s album collection. Sorry…scratch that.

And I for one do not believe this straw-man argument, this “If we could just find the right person to champion our views, every little thing would be all right.” Bullshit. There is no core to Republicana, the heart of this group—which should be the heart of American values—is way too sick, paranoid, and misinformed. What policy in the last ten years can they be proud of? And there’s every indication they’re becoming even more radicalized and even less insightful. If this Mr. Smith railed equally against the Sean Hannitys and the Rachel Maddows of the world, he or she might gain some credibility.

This delusion the Right has good ideas, but ‘there just isn’t anyone who can articulate our position’ premise is nonsense. Let’s look at their golden boy, Chris Christie. Did he show any insight during his speech at the convention? Besides backing Simpson-Bowles a year or two after I did, the answer is a resounding NO.

“Over the last 30 years, the best part of conservatism trickled down Reagan’s economy.”

—Mick Zano

I think I’ve gotten a few things right over the years, but folks like William Krystol (Weekly Standard) and Dick Morris (Fox News)…umm, not so much. I could actually just wait to hear what they think is going to happen and then guess the exact opposite. Let us all pray those two are predicting a Romney landslide, that way I won’t even have to bother voting. I don’t have an I.D. anyway. I think I left it at Maloney’s. Oh, and on that note:

Dear Mr. Obama,

I will vote for you this November if you help me smooth things over with a certain Irish pub owner, so I can get my license back. With your skills, this should be nothing compared to that Israel/Palestine thing.

Sincerely,

Mick Zano

P.S. The bouncer was a serious asshole that night. No shit, sir.

Romney’s last 47% gaffe showed more of that All-or-Fox thinking. The base of the party was glad he called nearly half the country victims. Meanwhile, the Right’s candidates—these Foxchurian Candidates—spend like drunken sailors in the guise of fiscal conservatism and have a misguided romanticism that harkens back to the good old days, aka, the dark ages. Did you know in the U.S., circa the 1800s, a local tycoon had the local authorities load a bunch of disgruntled mine workers onto a train and dropped them off in the middle of the desert? Yeah, I can’t wait to get back to those, dah, dah, dah, dumm, glory days. Yeah, I’m ready to join Hannity’s your-papers-please America. And welcome to the seven day work week. Oh, you want safer working conditions? Get on the train, bitches.

Until the Republican Party distances itself from the Rush Limbaughs, Sean Hannitys, and the Matt Drudges of the world, they don’t have a prayer of contributing anything meaningful to the conversation. I’m not saying they’re not still popular, but so is Snooki. The Foxeteers can make the argument the liberal media has a biased view, which certainly has some validity, but Foxisms are easier to spot than Snooki at the Macy’s Day Parade. They do have a float for her now, right?

Clearly a second Obama term will be no picnic. Unemployment will remain high for years to come. It’s the new norm and I can’t even totally blame Bush on that one. Oh, and the world is fiscally falling apart faster than The Bolt on Red Bull. I predicted a double dip recession and it is still a real possibility under Obama, but it’s a guarantea-party under Romney. Keep in mind, we are recovering faster, employment wise, than just about any other country after the 2008 collapse.

Some on the Left thought we’d have a quick turnaround with Obama in office. If you recall, I didn’t. You heard what Bill Clinton said, “Not me, not any of my predecessors could have turned this economy around this quickly.” Republican hypocrisy and greed has left us irreparably damaged. I still have a fair amount of faith in our President. If anyone can restore things—or at least maintain this new slightly sucky norm of relatively high unemployment and stagnant economic growth—it’s him. Romney represents another unnecessary war and an inevitable double-dip recession that will leave us forever changed as a country. Mark my words, those who ignore my political insights do so at their own Purell!

Sorry, I’m having those hand sanitizer urges again. I should call my sponsor. Naaah. Besides it’s time for some Hannity-sanitizer. Wait!! I can’t end my article on a joke that bad! Mr. Winslow, just let me—