In social site land I joined We Survived Bush. You’ll Survive Obama on The Left, and NewsBusters on the Right. It’s been really interesting to watch the GOP create reality faster than a video game programmer on crack. If you start with a premise completely devoid of facts, it’s fun to see where the argument ends up…usually in that magical alley near Hogwarts, or is it Outer Narniastan?

The GOP believes they’ve amassed tons of examples to support their claim that Obama is the devil. Unfortunately, about 90% of this crap doesn’t pass muster, or even ketchu. This letter of concern arrived from the Desk of NewsBuster’s head, L. Brent Bozell III. He is also founder and president of the “Media Research Center”, or the M.R. Center for short…bus.

I have turned this important letter into a mock interview. Enjoy.

Bozell: Throughout the very long presidential election cycle, two trends remained consistent. The media lauded Obama no matter how horrendous his record, and they savaged Obama’s Republican contenders as ridiculous pretenders.

Zano: You didn’t even play the record! What about the flip side, Food Stamp Fever?! It’s bitchin’, bro! Besides, isn’t this really self-ravageization? which is a lesser known Freudian defense mechanism, like advanced repressive elephantitis. If the GOP were one of my therapy clients, at this point I would be hiding the silverware. And, outside of the bubble, people understand something called historical context. The U.S. is recovering from the Bush global recession better than any other industrialized country. Oh wait, we don’t make shit anymore…er, so how about better than any McDonaldized country? Hey, I hear the McDOW is up.

Bozell: From the start of the Republican race in 2011, every candidate who took the lead then took an unfair beating. They even slimed Sarah Palin in case she decided to run. Martin Bashir announced she was “vacuous, crass, and according to almost every biographer, vindictive too.” Newsweek mocked Michele Bachmann on its cover, making her look pale, confused and nutty, with the headline “The Queen of Rage.” Politico and other media outlets tried to pin sexual harassment claims on Herman Cain without naming, or even knowing the accusers.

Zano: Unfair beating? The media was kind, too kind. These candidates were simply…well, here’s my joke at the time.

Republicans Still Seeking Likeable, Dangerously Incompetent Candidate

This is my assessment based their beliefs, their policies, their understanding of foreign affairs, and their ideology. I am not being duped by the liberal media; these people are simply clueless on any number of topics.

And here’s my diagnosis of the GOP:

Axis I: Cognitive Disorder NOS

Axis II: Narcissistic Personality Disorder with Paranoid Traits

Rule out: Fictitious Disorder

Axis III: erectile dysfunction

Axis IV: socioeconomic problems caused by numerous unfunded programs and wars, while supporting ongoing unsustainable tax cuts to the rich

GAF: 35

Here’s their recommended medications:

Haldol, Risperdal consta, Xanax…and then some more Xanax followed by a fifth of Jose Cuervo.

Here is their recommended reading list from some rare Republicans with brains:

Andrew Sullivan’s The Conservative Soul How We Lost It, How We Can Get it Back

Bruce Bartlett’s How George W. Bush Bankrupted America and Betrayed the Reagan Legacy

David Frum’s Conservatism that Can Win Again (because this shit sucks!)

Stephen Colbert: ‘Re-Becoming’ the Nation We Always Were

Mr. Spock’s Vulcan Logic and Other Things the GOP Doesn’t Get

Okay, okay, I made up the Sullivan one.

Bozell: The Washington Post killed trees to report, in earth-shaking depth, how the Rick Perry family had leased a hunting property where once, the N-word was painted on a rock, and never mind it was the Rick Perry family that covered it with white paint.

Zano: We kill virtual trees here at the Discord and the earth-shaking usually begins right after we huff the paint.

Bozell: Chris Matthews smeared Newt Gingrich, saying “He looks like a car bomber…He looks like he loves torturing.” Matthews thought Newt was also polluting the civil discourse. “Ever since he appeared on the national scene, politics has been nastier, more feral, too often uglier.”

Zano: That’s an insult to car bombers! I actually love Newt Gingrich. My thesis on Megalomaniacal Moon Base Miners would not have been the same without his keen insights.

Bozell: Then late in the cycle came the dark horse, Rick Santorum. He emerged and was slaughtered. Former New York Times editor Bill Keller sneered he “sounds like he’s creeping up on a Christian version of Sharia law.”

Zano: Yes, there are similarities between Christian fundamentalists and Islamic fundamentalists. Imagine that. Besides, by the end of his first term, Santorum would have made sweater jackets mandatory. Gasp.

Bozell: The only one who seemed to miss his own special episode of When Journalists Attack was Mitt Romney. But when he emerged as the nominee, all bets were off. The Washington Post published a 5,400-word “expose” documenting the shocking revelation that teenaged Romney just may have pinned a boy down and cut his hair. In 1965.

Zano: You missed the point, sir! 1965 was precisely when people were letting down their hair, and their morals. And his act did not only effect that boy, but his act symbolically Flowbeed a Nation! This incident occurred one year before Hair: The Musical. Romney personally tried derailing the Age of Aquarius in favor of the train of totalitarianism! Okay, I don’t know what that means either…it’s the meds talking.

But Romney was anti-hippie counter culture, anti-anti-establishment, and anti-elongated follicles. Under Nixon, he actually questioned questioning authority and, when young Master Romney got older, the best part of his ideology trickled down Reagan’s economy!

Sorry, I used that one before, but it gives me a Matthewsian thrill up my leg.

Bozell: Despite the news media’s infatuation with him, Obama rarely reciprocated. Instead, he hop-scotched from one flippantly unserious interview to another, from Leno to Letterman, from “The View” to “Access Hollywood.” When Obama did consent to interviews with “news” shows, it was more of the same, with embarrassing fawn-a-thons from Charlie Rose at CBS and Brian Williams at NBC.

Zano: Let me guess, you wanted them to ask him the tough questions….like about all the scandals the GOP made up? How about this: if Obama becomes involved in a real scandal and the main stream media ignores it, then you can bitch. Bitching first and spending all of your energy looking for scandals will do nothing to avoid the fiscal cliff. These are distractions—distractions with little to no merit…er, kind of like your candidates. Hey, that’s like connecting the dolts.

Bozell: Even the September 11 attack on our consulate in Benghazi, Libya – which resulted in the deaths of our ambassador and three others, and the subsequent, and ongoing serial dishonesty of this administration in its refusal to take a lick of blame for the scandalous lack of security, and the refusal to help the men in need — has been brushed under the rug to help Obama. The only man hammered on that issue was Mitt Romney.

Zano: Serial dishonesty? There was one word changed, the day of the attack, due to recommendation by the intelligence community…so serial? Could you imagine if Rice had ignored the advice of the intelligence community? What is your argument here, you senile old SOB?! Sorry that was for McCain.

Back to Bozo:

Have you heard the term projection, sir? An example of serial dishonesty is the run up to the Iraq War. Intelligence failure, my ass. When inspectors are on the ground pleading, “Hold! Wait! There’s nothing here!” and you bomb anyway, face it, you just wanted to kill people, you murderous incompetent boobs!

Let’s play a game: try to find a Republican axiom not built on a false assumption. So far I’m not very good at this game. It’s all delusion, delicately and lovingly sprinkled with bullshit (Flunkin Donuts?).

Bozell: This passage from Peter Baker of The New York Times says it all about Obama’s press avoidance all the way to Election Day: “Nor has Mr. Obama faced many tough questions lately, like those about the response to the attack in Benghazi, Libya, since he generally does not take questions from the reporters who trail him everywhere. Instead, he sticks to generally friendlier broadcast interviews, sometimes giving seven minutes to a local television station or calling in to drive-time radio disc jockeys with nicknames like Roadkill.”

How can you read that and not think journalism is roadkill?

Zano: I actually agree with this one statement (parade date to be set soon!). But that’s why I have been critical of Fox News and MSNBC for a long time. But how can you complain about the Left and not notice the worst offenders? How does the GOP invariably jump over the news to find the nonsense? Your own media and radio personalities make Lindsay Lohan seem well adjusted. I have given up on the GOP policing themselves, so soon there’s going to be a huge gap left by Republicans. The Grand Old Canyon? So, I nominate the Transcosmetic Party and their leader, The Ghetto Shaman, to lead us to a new age!

I sit here today with a heavy heart, a fogged mind, and one hell of a headache. After barely recovering from the tragic turn of events on Election Failure Day, I am faced with yet another piece of the puzzle from Uh-mericuh—a land without liberty, a land without riches, and now…a land without Twinkies. I was not ready for yet another blow to my rather tenuous grasp on sanity, but this one really takes the cake (sorry).

Farewell Hostess. So some learned official of the Baker’s Union decided to play chicken with 18,000 jobs…and lost. All those poor saps, who probably voted for Obama, were smiling all glassy-eyed at the thought of four-more years, just as they got bitch-slapped by an I-Told-Ya-So. Let me ‘splain to you how business works. When less people buy a product, less product is needed. When less product is needed, less bakers are needed…or, the remaining bakers have to agree to a cut in hours and/or a cut in salary/benefits or something to offset the drop in business. Meanwhile, despite this drop in demand, you all gave management a hail and hearty “F-You!” (Or is it a laurel and hostess handshake?)

You all deserve it, douche bags. You took away my TWINKIES!! Now go ahead and grovel at the feet of your demi-god and ask for alms for the poor. Maybe you’ll get lucky and some, still employed, schlep will agree to get taxed more to pay for your abject stupidity.

What you ignored was this: more and more people saw the items you made it, aka, the crack cocaine of the Diabetes set. Like myself, most people had reduced their intake of the yellow cake, as it’s known on the streets, to the occasional sorrow-drowning glory-days session.

Hostess was to us just what medicinal marijuana is to the afflicted, a way to get a relatively poison-free and somewhat quality-controlled legal hit of our favorite vice. Hey, I said relatively poison free!

How many people will now have to resort to the “no name” brand of treats? Those toxic avengers of snack cakes. How many of us addicted will have to go incognito to a local bodega to try to score some Mexican brands…not knowing just what’s in ‘em. Then, after inhaling five or six packs, we’ll pass out in some filthy alley with crème all over our lips and wrappers at our feet. How many will suffer the deformities and illness caused by manufacturers from other countries putting who-knows-what into their versions of our fix? (Soylent Yellow? It’s fructose!)

The only upside? Some may use the news as a reason for investment. We all know that Twinkies last forever. They are, in fact, on the Periodic Table of the Elements, just under Uranium, next to Romano Cheese. Some of those ones in Fukushima are only now drifting onto our shores. My point is this: if one were to “purchase” a truckload of said item and hold onto it until all current supplies dwindled, one could, theoretically, cash in when one sells the items at a massive mark-up to those addicts…er, purchasers. It could make someone’s future Christmas very bright (Ho, Ho Hos Merry eBay?). I purchased 1,700 myself for just that purpose, but there’s already only a dozen or so left. The best laid plans of Crank and men.

Now, as you all sit at your kitchen tables trying to explain to your wives and families how your ability to provide for them has just flamed out like an Airbus engine ingesting a goose, you all realize, in a moment of frightening clarity, that it may be quite some time before your significant other allows you to avail yourself of the spousal benefits you have so appreciated in the past. That look that she just gave you is clear, and the ice forming around her heart will take years to thaw. And you will deserve it, you heartless bastards! You gave up a union job with guaranteed pay and benefits. You’ve reduced tens of thousands of us to late night inconvenient store runs and homemade crystal Sno-Ball labs.

When you go shopping with your children—which you WILL do, now that your wife has to work three jobs to make ends snack—just what will you say to Little Debbie when she asks, “Daddy, why can’t I get Twinkies anymore?”

You can look down at those little sad teary eyes and say, “‘Cause your Daddy’s an asshole, kid.”

Angry
Sad and angry
But mostly just angry

El Crank

I love the Republican version of a scandal. “When did Obama know Benghazi was a terrorist attack not an extremist attack? Obama’s phrasing is misleading, edited, and those two words are arguably not even synonyms! Throw the book at him…yeah, the Thesaurus! Aim for the groin!” I remember the good old days when scandals involved tens of thousands of people dying over presidential lies. Ahh, memories. These days the GOP just plays some dubious game of pin the fail on the donkey.

Here’s the three biggest Obama “scandals” broken down for you into tiny vitamin-fortified chunks of pseudo-journalism. Yes, my pseudo-journalism is light years better than anything the Right has to offer, sadly.

#1: Benghazi (not to be confused with Ben Gazzara, or Buckeroo Banzai, or anything meaningful)

Wow. Researching this sucked. What a joke…a joke without a punch line. Since I’ve given up watching Fox News, I think the GOP has spent many a late night devising devious ways to lure me back into their dark, pathetic world. Here are my conclusions:

Blogging sucks! I’m going back to my first love, midget porn. I love those little guys. Anyway, the Republicans couldn’t make a scandal over the lead up to the Benghazi embassy attack because, umm, they’re the ones who denied the requested security funds. Oops. And that’s a shame, because it’s the only place a small scandal might reside. As for the post Benghazi scandal, umm, I couldn’t find one. I only found scandals of mass distraction.

The post embassy attack argument involves the wording of the Administration’s press statement. The jokes around the internet lead one to believe Obama ignored all kinds of stuff and then four people died. Umm, this timeline of “misinformation” occurred AFTER EVERYONE DIED. Your joke’s time line is the only joke. This “scandal” is about how we referred to the attackers after the fact and why. Hey, let’s call them Smurf Tacklers. Our embassy was once again assailed by those fucking, towel-headed Smurf Tacklers. Is that going to bring back the dead? Was it “extremists” or “terrorists? Whaa? I would hate to be killed by terrorists, but extremists will be extremists…forgive and forget, right? What could possibly be Obama’s motive behind a cover up?

Prior to the election, 18 minutes of tape was recovered, wherein you can clearly hear President Obama saying to Vice President Joe Biden, “Umm, when Americans die by terrorists it’s an embarrassment and we could lose the election, so let’s call the attackers extremists… heck, those extremists kill our ambassadors all the time, the little rascals. Say, have you heard about midget porn, Joe?”

The Right is calling this Ben Gazzara-gate. Damnit, now I’m doing it! Meanwhile, Obama himself did call the attacks an act of terror…the next day. Proceed Governor. So these assholes used the video-triggered-riots as cover. These “terrorists” not “extremists” didn’t, as the Administration explained, “spontaneously” attack but “opportunistically” attacked the embassy. That’s the whole scandal, brought to you in both regular and HD.

Sooooo, the GOP’s next Watergate involves extremism vs. terrorism and spontaneously vs. opportunistically. I think Obama should step down, right now; his administration obviously has no idea how to use adverbs effectively.

So, of course, the attacks were linked to the dozens of other embassies overrun on the same day. If the GOP can’t connect those dots, we’re going to need some bigger dots. That is why the attack fell right on movie-trailer night. They used the riots as an excuse…you know, to do the old fake yawn and reach around thing. You think this just happened at the precise moment all of those other embassies burst into flames? Damn Smurf Tacklers! To figure out the odds of this being a coincidence even Mr. Spock would have to whip out his abacus (they use those in the future—to count the extraordinarily high number of real Republican scandals). Amidst the initial reports, it made perfect sense to say there was some link, even if Petraeus immediately suspected—operative word suspected—a more coordinated terrorist attack was behind this.

What are you people smoking? I can understand if you all lived in Denver or Seattle. Why don’t I understand your scandals? Or any of your other points for that matter. The only way any of these Fox News talking points will make it into the history books is under the heading: Would You Get A Load Of What These People Thought?! That’s going to be the only historical chapter any of you will even remotely recognize. For the rest of the book you’ll be going, but that’s not what happened, but that’s not what happened. Umm, sorry, that is what happened. The rest of us are stuck here dealing with something called reality. You should try it some time.

Every time I have to read about this right wing bullshit, research this bullshit, write about this bull shit, I find out it’s nothing but lumps of male cattle manure, aka, bullshit!! I think the GOP needs to pay me for every hour I waste on their…whatever the hell this is supposed to be. Could you imagine if Bush was a Democrat? His corpse would still be in Wyoming, dangling from Teddy Roosevelt’s chin.

This was a terrible tragedy and it happened because one man and three Navy Seals worked in Libya, right after a war, during a vacuum of power. They had dangerous jobs in a dangerous region of the world. You know what’s a real scandal? When nearly 3,000 Americans died in our own country, while our President kept reading My Pet Goat. That’s a slightly larger intelligence failure, no? But in Bush’s defense that’s a really good book.

I’m sure there are lessons to be learned from this, but here’s a lesson no one’s talking about—a shirtless FBI agent was able to check the CIA director’s email and bust him for having an affair. Can you say “the Patriot Act broke shit”? I knew you could. Hey, there’s a real scandal. Imagine that…hidden right in a pile of your own bullshit emerges a real scandal…er, a Republican one.

If the wording does matter in the press release, it’s because they were tracking this terrorist cell and had real work to do. Here’s a likely Petraeus hearing excerpt, “Uh, we we’re tracking that terrorist cell and changed the language accordingly and, yeah, she’s a nice piece of ass so I tapped that shit,” and, “Yeah, we thought about calling them Smurf Tacklers, but Zano blew that one, which is the outing of an important bad guy designation…which is almost as bad as misusing adverbs.”

Well, I’m sure it will go down something like that. You know how this is going to end, right? Obama will find those responsible, as he tends to do, and then someone in the intelligence community will come forward and say we changed the language as not to tip them off. Of course, Romney would have said everything to keep the Foxeteers “informed” and, in his frustration, after failing to bring those responsible to justice, he would eventually have bombed our own embassy in Jordan. That’s called the Republican model (masterbait and switch?).

Let the intelligence people do their intelligence! You know what doesn’t have the word intelligence in it? The GOP. This isn’t about embassy security and never was:

“That’s not the debate the current GOP wants to have. Because they are not actually interested in government so much as in politics. And rather than figure out why they have strayed so far from sanity, and lost the support of an entire generation, they wallow in paranoia and conspiracy.”

—Andrew Sullivan

This is part of the ongoing, never ending witch hunt that I like to call Pin the Fail on the Donkey. On the Zano scandal scale of 1 to 10, let’s call this a 0. It’s a nice round number. Hey, but when actual facts emerge, like perhaps a few more misplaced adverbs, this might rise to the level of a 1! Wow. Touché witch hunters. Remember, 427 Bush scandals are higher than that, but who’s counting? No really, I don’t think they can even count anymore. Have you seen their economic policies?

Yeah, they suck. And they need to go away now, so people can cover something called news. Yeah, that would be swell.

#2: The Fast and the Furious (not to be confused with the movie, or a real scandal)

For those not familiar with this scandal, watch Fox News. They will be happy to explain it to you during each and every single news cycle….well, when they’re not covering Ben Gazzara-gate. Damnit! Republicans have two choices on this one:

1. People don’t kill people, guns do. This is a switch from their usual rhetoric. A drug dealer shot a border patrol agent, so if the gun itself is the issue, then it stands to reason guns kill people. So every right wing person across the country must turn their guns in to the Obama Administration for processing. Hey, I hear you can get food stamps for them in one important fictional program. Sooo, you’re saying this dirt bag would not have found some other weapon? Hey, when U.S. guns are not available smugglers tend to use rocks, paper, or scissors when crossing the border. Hey, don’t laugh, paper cuts suck…and such mules are sometimes known to run with those scissors. Gasp.
2. Oh, you don’t like that one? Here’s your other option. A douche bag drug dealer shot a border patrol agent and there’s no scandal. Sorry, you must choose. You can’t just keep bending logic into an f-ing pretzel. Granted, this program was really ill-conceived, but guess who conceived it? The Bush Administration. Obama was in office only six months when a continuation of a Bush gun-running program went awry. I think those first six months Obama was focused on the gazillions of jobs lost every minute as well as the utter collapse of our stock market. I could be wrong, but this was probably not even on his radar. Believe me, I wish he had halted all things Bush until they could be reviewed and, for the most part, disbanded…because Bush, if you recall, was a jackass.

So either no scandal, turn in your guns, or blame Bush. Whatever floats your boat. This was a bad program and I think some of the blame lands on the door of the Obama Administration, whether or not he had other priorities, so let’s call it a 2. But remember, 198 Bush scandals ranked higher than that…er, including this one. Let’s give Bush a 4 for inventing and implementing such a program in the first place. Okay, we all know it was probably Cheney.

#3: Solyndra (Solyndra Green it’s for people!)

Sorry, that’s an old joke, but it never gets old for me. In fact, the first soylent green factory did receive stimulus funds. Talk about a real scandal. Check out the Discord coverage here. Sorry, miles ways. Here’s a letter to Mr. Obama regarding Solyndra that explains everything:

Dear Mr. Obama,

I am sending you a stern letter about losing tax payer dollars on the closing of the Solyndra plant. As you know, if we use solar energy fifty-miles of the Mojave Desert could supply enough power for nearly half the country. You need to invest more in solar, sir, it might save our collective asses, but we need to figure out how to get the power to where it’s needed. Moving the stored power is the only thing blocking this incredible opportunity ; the rest of the technology already exists. That’s your moon shot, sir. Make it happen. Invest more in solar and let’s beat China this time!

Sincerely,

A person with a clue.

Solyndra represents a clear ideological divide in this country. One group thinks such a thing as “clean coal” exists and the other group has something called a pre-frontal cortex. However, losing tax payer money on this deal to the tune of $529 million brings this scandal up to a 1.5, which could be rounded up to a 2 in some math classes. More than wind energy, I believe solar is the answer to our future energy independence. You know how you can tell it’s the answer? Republicans are against it. Works every time.

All this bullshit started under Clinton. Our own Mr. Winslow nailed it in his last feature here. They relentlessly went after the Clintons, when the poor guy was doing a relatively good job. You know which president really could have benefited from constant scrutiny? I’ll give you one hint, it rhymes with tush.

Remember Whitewater? Remember they pegged the Clinton’s as organizing a hit on someone? Yeah murder charges…and remember how all of that turned out to be bullshit? Some things never change. But, in the end, a woman and a cigar brought that man down…so someone going down brought him down. Yep, the old—who gives a shit?—banging the intern scandal. We all want to bang the intern, maybe not her specifically, but metaphorically. The Clinton scandals also fell into two main categories, who really cares? and does anyone really fucking care? Who cares who bangs who? But it’s all they ever have. Meanwhile Bush scandals irreparably damaged us all…you know, the ones they still haven’t identified yet.

And, sorry, but I am done reviewing Bush scandals. They are extensive; they damaged the very fabric of our checks and balance as well as our Constitution. Several Bush scandals were impeachable offenses, several others were felonies, and a couple carry the death penalty. That’s not an exaggeration. These were terrible, terrible scandals and, more importantly, they were based on reality! They are scandals we, as a nation, have yet to fully recover from…and may never. The GOP glosses over treasonous, execution-worthy shit and jumps right to blow jobs every mother f*&^ing  time! ARRrrrrgg!

Meanwhile, the Petraeus affair will be prosecuted by a Republican, who ten years from now will be embroiled in his own infidelity scandal. Same as it ever was. I have tried to advise the GOP and the Tea Party and, of course, they didn’t listen. If they had, maybe they wouldn’t be such laughing stocks right now. But I’m done helping. Keep up your BS, elect increasingly dumb candidates, hang your Norquist flag around your necks, and hopefully we’ll purge the last of you in the next mid-terms. Let the party die. Who knows, maybe that could be an opening for the Transcosmetic Party? Maybe then two higher perspectives can duke it out instead of spending all of our time researching phantom scandals and cattle midden. Democratic scandals are footnotes and Republican scandals are felonies. I would be happy to cover a real scandal, but as for Obama’s first term, he hasn’t had any. I am not saying these can’t blossom into scandals, but as for what we know right now, you got half of nutin’. The usual.

Here’s your last hint: this is not an Obama Teflonic issue, this is a GOP moronic issue. I am STILL waiting for them to be right about something. Are they doing this on purpose? If so what is their motive? Are they spontaneously dense or opportunistically dense?

I realize this was too hard hitting and made waaay too much sense for the average Foxeteer’s delicate sensibilities, but I’ve figured out how to immediately restore their baseline. Just stare right into this light. You’ll see a little Fox logo in there and then there will be a bright…

FLASH!

There you go. All purged. Now you can resume your collective trajectory toward the fiscal cliff. Good luck with that.

Set the Way-Back Machine to the end of the Clinton years, a time of great prosperity, where we find an interesting juncture. It was a time when some quirk of fate sent us down the path to the dark side. As a green prophet once told us, once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny. It’s sort of like, once you go black you never go back. In our case, the downfall all started with, of all things, a cigar. Let Freud wrestle with that one.

In the Many-Worlds Interpretation of quantum mechanics, aka a level III Multiverse Theory, put as simply as possible, every event triggers a “split”, or for each possible outcome of the event a distinct universe is created. Now consider what chain of events 12+ years ago led us to where we are today. Where would we be if any of those outcomes had changed for the better? In other words, were we all Lewensky’d?

Post cigar, Al Gore lost the 2000 presidential election. Now, one would think the copilot through Clinton’s “cha-ching years” would be a shoe-in for the next presidency. But there was the bad taste in everyone’s mouth, pardon the pun, and there were some gaffs, of course. The most memorable of which was when Al Gore said he invented the internet. While he did not invent this series of tubes, it had been around since the 60s, he did chair the committee that recommended it be opened and available to the public. He was instrumental to the internet moving from the privy of Universities and the Government, to that of Yahoo, Amazon and the porn industry. I think he got the shaft on that, pardon the pud, but to this day people still talk about this statement, mostly on that internet he unleashed. How ironic. Anyway, the newly freed cyber media pounced on the overreach, which cost him dearly.

So the race was close going into the 2000 election. Instead of voting in our well-qualified VP, we voted in a man who somehow managed to run a baseball team into the ground, one George W. Bush. Okay, well, we didn’t really vote him in, but we did for all intents and purposes.

Florida was then a state run by W’s brother. Both sons of the former head of the CIA had questionable outcomes to their respective elections. Long story short, it came down to an exhaustive, manual recount of the votes by a team of well trained chimpanzees. This, by the way, is similar to how The Discord operates. We didn’t have enough time before the inauguration to get this tedious job done. And some say they’re still counting…

As the deadline approached, the Supreme Court, appointed by the aforementioned head of the CIA, made the exact decision everyone knew they would; they sided with the Texas oil man. No shock there, but again, the universe splits. So I am now stuck two splits away from where I want to be, where I should be! You know that game how many degrees to Kevin Bacon?…well, this is nothing like that.

Meanwhile, post this fateful internet gaffe, the once-favored candidate to win the 2000 election became a laughing stock as the pundits and comedians descended. Had The Daily Discord been around then I’m sure Zano would have piled on with something…um, probably something like this:

I Don’t Always Invent Things Like The Internet But when I do, I drink Dos Equis and download porn

Yeah, something like that. So how do I teleport myself to this alternate America? With all this talk of secession, I’m looking for a more scientific escape pod. Besides, these seceders are generally the yahoos who got us into this mess. So secede already! Don’t let the border fence gate hit you on the ass on the way out.

America fundamentally changed under Bush and nobody on this planet is going to be able to totally steer us through this ongoing global shit sandwich. What if we had let Clinton work his last year in office? …you know, instead of mire him in a witch hunt led by the Family Values Czar himself, Newt Gingrich? What if we had let W just clear brush and maybe bankrupt another baseball team? All right, if it were the Tigers I’d really have to think about that. But what if we didn’t have a media outlet bent on creating brain dead pawns instead of candidates? Did you see the movie The Candidate with Robert Redford? Today’s GOP has added one more step to the process. Each candidate must walk into a booth where 30 IQ points are ripped from your prefrontal cortex. I can’t wait to see who’s next. Zano’s got it right, 2016 will likely be Hillary vs Tree Stump. Meanwhile, we’re still two elections away from where we need to be…two splits. Sure, I’m talking about a land of make believe and what ifs, but more importantly it would be a land of democracy, not judge rulings and a systematic propaganda.

If and when time travel becomes possible, could we avert 9/11, avert the Bush Administration, and or even the entire global economic collapse? How about someone goes back to Time-Space 1999 and tells old Al not to hail himself as the Internet King? Maybe that would be enough to avoid the 2000 split and the 2004 split. Personally, I would go back and try talking Rupert Murdoch into getting into the music industry instead.

I can’t shake it. I still fear these splits, l fear a cigar and that f-ing recount and a group of integrity-less swift boaters, but then again…

“Named must your fear be before you can banish it.”

— Yoda D’Kana (yeah, he has a last name)

Dear Fox News

I be dribnk since we looz Ohio, hav head prop up on cat, so this be best I typ so deal.

I have ask. Why you lie to me. Mikko say “fox lie”, Family say “fox lie’. Crank say “no, tell trooth.” Crank rong. You lie. You lie like bad toup on Engle guy. Babe with legs at glas tabl say, “hope just around corner.” Legs say “Mitt make all bettr” “Mitt make gas flow, Mitt make food cheap, Babe with big zooms say Mitt make more jobs.” I think, OK, this good, more jobs = more peepl buy my cabinets, Crank pay bills from last 4 years.

Crank get hopes up, bigtime, think maybe get lucky when give wife mony J.Wife no have to pay for me to go work. Fox sed we win big!. Crank hear “cant loose”. Crank hear big head like ET bald guy Rove say,” I write on whiteboard, I know shit- we win!” Crank hear angry femm fat guy Morris say “we win big- 5 pointz!” Crank hear shiney teeth like chicklets guy Eric on The Five say Obama finished. Crank think maybe people get smartr, ignore guys with news. Maybe business guy is best to do business things, things O not do, like rite budget. Not borrow shit not have. Mak sense to Crank. Fuk.

Hannity say polls rong. Oreilly say polls rong. Legs and zooms all say polls rong. Eric sed polls rong. Little Bush lady say polls rong. I think OK polls rong, we win!

Hay Fox….Polls fukkin rite. you all rong. Ask short Austrlyun guy boss why da fuk they all still have job? I ask? Fuk.

Not tru, none of it. No one get smart, no one want things rite. Peepl all want feel good President. Want ‘kool’ guy, not good guy. Want guy to tell bullshit, no one want trooth. Peepl hear lies from news, they buy the whole thing. “I give you shit, you vote me!” Free fones. Fuk. Mitt no give nuthin, jus trooth, no one make calls on trooth. Stupid Mitt. He rich Fuk, he maybe win if giv Ipads? Maybe he win if giv free rubbers, seems all tey want id free fuking, pay for their fuk pillz. Pay fer dis, pay fer dat. With wut? Granchilds maoney. Fuk.

You play with my head Fox, and I pissd. We no win. We lose like drubnk Indian at casino. We lose like one leggd man in marathon. We lose likggggggggggggg… oOpps just took nap. Cat purring like motorboat in head. Put me to sleep.

I dribnk 3 days. 3 fukn days! Blud shugr in stratosfeer. Cat lik twinkie wrappers. Fuk. Like bad dreem. No help, only kiddng. Ha ha ha, stooppid Crank. Dey say Im fat old wite man. Dey say less fat old wite man repullicns. Bettr be young, bettr be beige-brown-blak-libruls. One problem, fat ol wite men rote constushun. Fat old wite men start country. Dems bettr for Minoritys? Repub free slaves, Repub Romneys Dad walkd with MLK… Dems? Dems rite Jim Crow laws. Never unnerstud that.

Oh well, I gess the fact we see shit coming not count. So, U newbees U run things now, we go golf- we go fish-you pay? When shit hit fan, YOU eat. Figgr it out 4 self..stupid fukz…

No mor Rum, no mor coke. Cat like rum. I Go to bed. Fuk-we looz Wife say get life, move on. I say Cant mov-drunk. Not funy she say. Fuk.

Cat jus pee on keybord

Fuk.

Crzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz