This is just a rant, albeit a funny one, so sorry ahead of time. In a recent Weekly Standard article, Fred Barnes begged the question, “Will the press ever give Obama tough coverage?” The answer is sure…just as soon as Obama does something that doesn’t make any sense in response to the worst economic crisis in a century. For endless examples of things that wouldn’t make sense, try any Fred Barnes article.

Mr. Barnes is calling this “new normal” an “excuse” and the list of GOP complaints, as usual, involves unemployment rates, increases in food stamps, etc. and so what. I’m still amazed Obama avoided a double-dip recession. Aren’t you…and, if not, why? By now we should all be driving around the wasteland in rogue caravans searching for petrol. Wasn’t that the last GOP nomination’s platform? The GOP: Beyond Thunderdumb? I loved that movie…and the nomination.

Did you know the U.S. is recovering faster from the Great Recession than any other industrialized country? No? Who needs the truth when this false narrative is so much fun, right? Economists still predict it will take a decade or more to recover from your last president, and I still predict we won’t ever fully recover. Hell, it’s worse than the aftermath of the Christmas party tequila incident (CPTI). Our situation is also complicated by a struggling global economy, a lack of professional hockey games, and a looming zombie apocalypse. The fact y‘all think you’re going to fix this through a combination of stupidity and a lack of any economic prowess is interesting. Our current gradual recovery is—and always has been—our best case scenario…well, by all rational accounts. This would be the case whether we had a smart guy in office, or one of your ilk, Fred.

Would a near immediate collapse under Romney have shut you up? Naaah. The Bubble is impervious to reality. That’s why I simply address their extreme cognitive dysfunction (ECD), so centuries from now when virtual alien archeologists find my blog, they’ll know we had important spoof news on this doomed planet.

Fred is also against the Chuck Hagel nomination for Secretary of Defense, which is another good reason to give Chuck the nod. Hagel is another adult decision and adult decisions have no place in today’s politics. If he gets the nomination, he will rock. He’s like one of ten respectable Republicans left (last of the Chuckhicans?). You really should nurture those, they’re like the Javan rhino, nearly …oh wait, I’m being told the rhino’s extinct. Never mind. Smart elephants are next.

The name of the Barnes article in question is The Four-Year Honeymoon. Sorry, but Obama deserves much, much longer. Do you understand the historical context of his arrival? I always wondered why Fred Barnes seemed so impervious to bad press. His partner in crime, William Krystol, is known for getting things wrong, yet his views are almost indistinguishable from any other Foxeteer (Barnes included). I should have went with Barnes & Ignoble. Damn, is it too late? I wish I could learn Microsoft Word. It’s on my bucket list. And some day, Mr. Winslow, I won’t be sending my submissions to you on badly stained bar coasters either. Some day.

Anyway, so folks like William Krystol and Dick Morris are simply scapegoats for a wider problem, namely your political views. In other words, if those two are always wrong and Republican ideology is built on their bullshit, then let’s do the…oh wait, they don’t believe in math. Is this part of Bush’s No Lemming Left Behind program?

“No, trust me, trust me. That lemming bringing up the rear, he’s legit, honest.”

Here’s more Fred,

“To my recollection, Obama is the first president to instill coverage anxiety, conscious or unconscious.”

Stop trying to recollect. None of you are any good at it. Obama does instill a certain respect, but most of this phenomenon relates directly to his addle-minded predecessor. Obama does appear almost God-like, next to a bumbling war criminal. Who wouldn’t? Oh right…any recent Republican candidate. Sorry. Did you know they tape those primaries? That’s not going to help your shelf life, peeps.

Then Fred—out of the total blue—makes a rare point. Right in the middle of the article! Where you would least expect it.

Basically he whined how when Bushie Jr. broke the Constitution he was slammed with criticism, yet Obama can expand drone strikes and warrantless wiretapping without so much as a peep from the press…er, of course I already made this point on The Daily Discord as far back as 2008. I found this quote from a related post.

“He (Obama) is using Bush’s expansion of executive power effectively. I wish last week he’d rolled back provisions of the Patriot Act, but I knew he wouldn’t…no one likely ever will. This was predictable, er….which is why I predicted it back in 2008.”

—Mick Zano

Who didn’t see this coming? Oh yeah…anyone of you. But I’ll tell you what, Fred, as soon as one of your idiots wields such power, I will spend more time covering it. I recently started an entire post on this subject but it remains unfinished. Why? I’ve written at least ten other articles on the train wreck that is the GOP. There’s always something Fox News is doing to trump any real discourse. This has been one of my chief complaints.

The crux of this partial post was this: I support the drone program, but the process for the death list needs to be more open and subject to checks and balances. But Fred, where was your outrage when our Constitution was actually being gutted? Besides, this is a real valid complaint so it has no place in a Weekly Standard article. You want news? Turn to The Daily Discord. This e-rag was never intended to be a news outlet, but it sure beats the best the GOP has to offer.

People have fewer complaints now, right or wrong, because Obama’s handling this expansion of executive power competently. When W. repeatedly sent all those drones into that orphanage, it was terrible. To be clear, Obama is dead wrong to expand warrantless wire tapping and widen the use of a drone program without accountability. And the liberal media should be covering this. You are correct, Fred, but it’s suspicious that you’re only now identifying these as problems. Maybe you’re not ignorant, you’re just evil. It’s kind of one or the other on that side of the aisle. The rest are in hiding.

The GOP keeps sucking in all the journalistic energy like a singulhannity. Hawking discovered this cosmic event using NASA’s rover Animosity. It stopped sending any data back almost immediately aside from a robotic Bronx cheer. Money well spent.

As for Obama’s mistakes, Fred claims, “The list is long.” Really? Actually, you need a Republican president to generate a long list of scandals. Obama’s list of conspiracies is Short & Spurious. Most of it will not make the history books, except to say, “Guess what these people thought?” (hint: that will be a long section).

Back to Fred’s “logic”:

“Both the Fast and Furious gunrunning scandal and the Benghazi killings would have led to months of stories, investigative reports, and outraged commentary. But the media proved to be largely incurious in Obama’s case.” [Incurious George joke omitted by the editors].”

Ummm, no, no they wouldn’t have. If you recollect, Fred, we were on a “Bush scandal of the week” pace.

“Cheney’s downloading Google, in its entirety!”

“Wait! Forget that shit, Bush is kicking Red Cross out of Guantanamo!”

“Wait!”

We didn’t have months? We didn’t have flipping hours on a good week. If we really could have spent months on a Bush scandal that would have been glorious…the inglorious bastard.

Besides, we heard about the Obama “scandals” for years, not months. It’s on something called Fox News and, with all the time they had to cover it, I still don’t know what the F&^K they are talking about! Fast and Furious is a scandal, albeit a mini-scandal, as the program was started under Bush. Look, as Obama stepped into the sheer stratosphere high pile of shit Bush left him, I garun-flipping-tee you, this was not even on his radar.

“Uhh, let’s not worry about the two wars and the global economic collapse, tell me again about this Bush gun running program.”

Yeah, right. You know what happened six months into the Bush Administration? 9-FUCKING-11, that’s what!! (hint: more than one person died). But the gun killed him, really, not the person. That person, smuggling Twinkies, would have otherwise lobbed drug paraphernalia and empty beer bottles at that border agent. That’s the cartels weapon of choice. (Semi-automatic whippets?)

Can you get less insightful from here? Is that even possible? Sure, it’s entertaining, but it’s getting kind of scary. Benghazi could impact Hillary’s 2016 run, and it’s not something she’s likely to put on her resume, but otherwise, give me a break. Here’s the foreign policy score card:

Successes:

Obama: killed bin Laden, decimated Al-Qaeda, ended War in Iraq

Bush: None

Failures:

Obama: Embassy overrun in Benghazi, not closing Guantanamo

Bush: 9/11, Iraq War, Afghan War, which culminated in a tanked economy, Guantanamo, Abu Ghraib, torture, indefinitely suspending Habeas Corpus for American citizens (the other 17 pages omitted for space’s sake).

I’m not trying to make light of the embassy situation, but would you people learn something called perspective? Three deaths vs. tens of thousands? Jesus, there’s nowhere to go but down from here, is there? Oh shit…I said it. I threw it out into the ether and now….dah, dah, duuuum. Enter the next news cycle.

Then Mr. Barnes makes another hackneyed Sandy/Katrina comparison. Umm, Chris Christie’s ire was primarily directed at our Republican Congress. His discussion of GOP’s “toxic internal politics” here. The GOP is the most culpable in this matter. Forgot that part, huh? (Hint: if something goes wrong, look to the GOP. It’s a much safer bet, historically speaking. Well, no, there was that one thing…no wait. That was them too). And, yes, your team lost Hagel and you lost Christy. You are down to David Frum and parts of Charles Krauthammer. What? The parts he still has. Good luck with that.

And some day, Mr. Barnes, if you eat your Wheaties and you read a little more Zano, you too may have something called insight, groovy stuff. I should warn you, though, showing any insight means you will be immediately ejected from your tent.

Here’s Fred’s last “point”:

“What if Bush had claimed in speech after speech that Democrats who opposed his policies were putting ‘party before country’? The media response to an insinuation that Democrats were unpatriotic would have been along the lines of, ‘How dare the president make such a dastardly claim!’ But repeated mentions of ‘party before country’ by Obama have been treated as perfectly acceptable.”

Please listen again to The News Room’s comparison of the Tea Party to the Taliban. The history books are going to parrot Obama on this premise 100%. History will nail you people to the proverbial cross…er, except it was removed by the American Atheists of America. Damn you, joke stealing non-believers! This could trigger the War on Groaners.

The GOP and the Tea Party are not interested in America, they are interested in themselves. The damage they’re doing to our ongoing recovery efforts—despite their significant role in our demise—is staggering. Luckily, President Obama continues to guide us around the shoals and pointy rocks. If he can pull this shit off without a depression it will be nothing short of a miracle (hint: try helping instead of hindering). The cash you save may be your own.

“You’ll find out when you reach the top, you’re on the bottom”

—Bob Dylan

So let me get this straight, you’re blocking Chuck Hagel’s nomination because he’s smart and insightful? There’s really no place left in Republican politics for someone with such characteristics? Whereas it’s true that, off hand, I can’t think of many Republicans who have those traits, I didn’t think they were an automatic disqualifier. Fact alert: Chuck Hagel would make a great Defense Secretary and the rest of you would make great psych patients.

I know, I know, it’s been only five seconds since my last rant, but the stupidity is coming in at ludicrous speed…soon to go “plaid”. Chuck Hagel, once a Republican senator from Nebraska, was a rare voice of reason during the lead up to and during the Iraq War. He was right about a lot of shit when the rest of you were wrong. But why hold that against him? Oh that’s right, Fox is never having to learn from history.

Fox News: we want a Secretary of Defense dumb enough to start nation building in Iran, Syria, and Newark!

Actually, you can just follow this formula:

Republicans are against Hagel’s nomination = he would be awesome!

Works every time. I realize the GOP hasn’t figured out why they’re dangerously incompetent, but others have something called insight and memory. It took balls for Hagel to go against the grain when both R and D alike were lining up to make one of the biggest blunders in U.S. history. I’m talking about voting out Sanjaya for American Idol. What did you think I was talking about? I still believe, Sanjaya!

As for those who opposed the Iraq War, I remember Russ Feingold over in Wisconsin getting his panties in a bunch, then Chuck Hagel in Nebraska and then my favorite blogger, Andrew Sullivan. They were the scant few voices of opposition. I’m not sure the order is right, but that’s who I came to associate with “smart” in an otherwise vast neuron-free political wasteland (NFPW). What’s strange is two of the three of those men are Republicans. Weird, huh? Of course, even the two Republicans are not allowed in the GOP tent anymore, what with an IQ above a turnip and all.

Of course, the Hagel-bashing like almost any other rabid Republican attack is a farce.

“They (The GOP) have drawn a caricature of a supposedly anti-Semitic, terrorist-coddling, Iran-appeasing, unilaterally disarming, wildly liberal malcontent. It hardly seems to matter to them that none of those things are true.”

—Amy Davidson, The New Yorker

And you may ask yourself am I Right or am I waaay Right? And you may tell yourself, my god what have I done?! Sorry, the best way to deal with the media’s Talking Heads is to quote some. Speaking of burning down the House, when are we going to do that? Where’s Occupy’s Guy Fawkes when you need him? This aint no party, this aint no disco, I aint got time for that now. Wasn’t that from the song Life During War Crimes? Take me to the river and drop me in the water, because these psycho killers are on the road to nowhere. Sorry, I’m being told to stop.

Yes, Mr. Byrne. Sorry Mr. Byrne. I do understand copyright laws, Mr. Byrne. Geesh, who put sand in this guy’s Vaseline?

Dear Republican Party,

Please go away. If you haven’t been right about anything in nearly15-years, isn’t it time to find a new hobby, like whittling? or quilting? or BDSM? Meanwhile, how about we just change the locks on the Capital Building doors while the House is on recess?

Sincerely,

Mick Zano

P.S. Try this at home. Ask a Republican what they think they’ve been right about and they’ll go, “er, uh, ummm, Obama sucks!”

Of course, the history books will say otherwise, but thanks for playing.

Finally, others are ratcheting up the rhetoric to match my own. Look, I don’t call for the disbanding of an entire political party lightly, but haven’t they done enough damage to the global economy and to the globe? The answer is, no; they will do much much more before this is all said and done. The need for the Republican Party to reform or disband has never been clearer. I would prefer at this point they just take off their tea bag bedangled hats and wander off. You know, like when animals know they’re going to die so they just crawl away somewhere and whittle.

“Republican politicians today have a choice: either change your base by educating and leading G.O.P. voters back to the center-right from the far right, or start a new party that is more inclusive, focused on smaller but smarter government and market-based, fact-based solutions to our biggest problems.”

—Tom Friedman, The New York Times

I usually limit my Andrew Sullivan quotes to a sentence or two, but I love this! I think every four years of blogging I deserve such an indulgence. Sure, it’s what I’ve been saying forever, but he’s really purdy with them words and stuff. Oh, there’s no jokes, so if you are one of our laughs-only-customers (LOCs) feel free to skip to my closing paragraph.

“Enough! Between the humiliating and chaotic collapse of Speaker Boehner’s already ludicrously extreme Plan B and Wayne La Pierre’s deranged proposal to put government agents in schools with guns, the Republican slide into total epistemic closure and political marginalization has now become a free-fall. This party, not to mince words, is unfit for government. There is no conservative party in the West – except for minor anti-immigrant neo-fascist ones in Europe – anywhere close to this level of far right extremism. And now the damage these fanatics can do is not just to their own country – was the debt ceiling debacle of 2011 not enough for them? – but to the entire world.

Those of us who have warned for years about this disturbing trend toward ever more extreme measures – backing torture, pre-emptive un-budgeted wars, out-of-control spending followed, like a frantic mood swing, by anti-spending absolutism of the most insane variety in a steep recession, vicious hostility to illegal immigrants, contempt for gay couples, hostility even to contraception, let alone a middle ground on abortion … well, you know it all by now.

But the current constitutional and economic vandalism removes any shred of doubt that this party and its lucrative media bubble is in any way conservative. They aren’t. They’re ideological zealots, indifferent to the consequences of their actions, contemptuous of the very to-and-fro essential for the American system to work, gerry-mandering to thwart the popular will, filibustering in a way that all but wrecks the core mechanics of American democracy, and now willing to acquiesce to the biggest tax increase imaginable because they cannot even accept Obama’s compromise from his clear campaign promise to raise rates for those earning over $250,000 to $400,000 a year.

And this is not the exception. It is the rule. On abortion, the party proposes that it be made illegal in every state by amending the Constitution. Torture? More, please. Iran? It should be attacked if it merely develops the technological skill to make a nuclear bomb, let alone actually make one. Israel? Leading Republicans don’t just support new settlements on the West Bank. They show up for the opening ceremonies!

Gun control? A massacre of children leads to a proposal for more guns in elementary schools and no concession on assault weapons. Immigration? Romney represented the party base – favoring a brutal regime of persecution of illegal immigrants until they are forced to “self-deport” – or rounding as many up as they can. Climate change? It’s a hoax – and we should respond by shrieking “Drill, Baby, Drill!” Gay marriage? The federal constitution should be amended to bar any legal recognition of any gay relationships, including civil partnerships. Their legislative agenda in this Congress? To “make Obama a one-term president.” Not saving the economy, not pursuing new policies, not cooperating to make Democratic legislation better. Just destroying a president of the opposite party. And, of course, failing.

Then there is the rhetoric. In just the last fortnight, House Republicans have asserted that secretary of state Clinton faked her recent fall and concussion at home in order to get out of testifying on the Benghazi consulate attack. And then the Weekly Standard quotes a Senate Republican staffer saying: “Send us Hagel and we will make sure every American knows he is an anti-Semite.”

Enough. This faction and its unhinged fanaticism has no place in any advanced democracy. They must be broken. But the current irony is that no one has managed to expose their extremism more clearly than their own Speaker. His career is over. As is the current Republican party. We need a new governing coalition in the House – Democrats and those few sane Republicans willing to put country before ideology. But even that may be impossible.”

—Andrew Sullivan, The Dish

I couldn’t have said it better myself. No, I really couldn’t. I failed English in high school and only took Composition in college. By the way, thank you Eileen Robinson for helping me pass Composition 101. Do you help with blogs by chance? Just curious.