I got an email today from Reince Preibus, or whatever the F his name is, the head of the GOP. It seems that they now want to hear from the average Republicans—you know, people with real jobs—about how they can improve the party’s platform. I will now relate to youse’ my rather Cranky reply:

Dear Reince (or whatthefuckevergetarealnameplease),

1. To start with, please stop all Republican elected officials from ever, EVER making any statement related to the goings-on inside a woman’s manufacturing area type parts. EVER. No one from our party really knows just what-a-goes on in thar’ anyway, so it’s better we just left it be. The good Lord’s doin’ just fine without our input, no need to go fuckin’ everythin’ up, so to speak. I think you should make it real painful for any politician who strays from this rule, like maybe a six million dollar fine. And maybe throw in some waterboarding, first offense. This is a game I like to call ‘Stop the Bleeding’.

2. Every time an old white Republican man goes in front of a camera, make sure there is a Hispanic, a black person, an Asian-American, some young women and a Native American standing to his sides. This will go a long way to countering the grey-pasty-white-wrinkly-effect (GPWWE) we seem to have on our viewers. As yet there is no camera filter on Earth that can combat this, but NASA is working furiously on this very issue.

3. Similarly, please do not schedule group shots of old white Repubs. This will look more like a zombie attack or a Rolling Stones concert than anything political. We don’t want to scare the populace any more than we already have, especially the ones on bath salts.

4. Please leave out references to anything related to the following terms: marriage, sexual preference, borders-fences, and killing babies. These terms cause an immediate and forceful shutdown of any audience’s give a fuck levels. While we all may believe strongly in one or another of these, we live in different times now. Baby-killin’, carpet-munch’n, crotch-likkin’, butt fucking, fudge-pakin’, fence jumpers are more welcome here than we are. Besides, most of these themes can now be found in video games and our junior high curriculums. We must adjust to modern times, even if it does mean the end of the world as we knew it…not to mention God’s eternal damnation of all mankind. And please don’t finish a diatribe with the words, “And how’d that work out fer’ Gomorrah?” On a related note, I did really enjoy the movie Godzilla vs. Gomorrah. Sorry, I think it’s Godzilla appreciation month here at the Discord. At least I hope so, otherwise I’m starting to worry about this bunch.

5. If you are running for any office and you are in the middle of an endless desert, one thousand miles from anywhere, and you want to speak frankly about something to someone you trust, don’t bother. Even the vultures circling above your heads have Iphonea and they’re recording your every word for YouTube, aka, remain in character at all times, 24-7. Don’t even talk in your sleep.

6. The following terms are our only concern now: debt, deficit, entitlements, immigration reform and tax reform. Stick with the fucking message people, this aint rocket science. We need to blanket the whole news cycle with printouts showing the actual demise timeline of Medicare and Social Security, telling everyone that ‘they’ are actually going to throw grandma off a cliff when it all goes belly-up. We want to save at least most of it, or the parts of grandma that don’t annoy the shit out me.

7. Do not forget, our party, along with libertarians, is the only people that take into consideration human nature when trying to resolve a problem. Them other folks are all ‘Star Trek’ about things, living in their own fantasy world, where people don’t move to avoid taxes, where business owners care more for them that making a profit, where China and India are not part of the whole ‘climate change’ thing, and where Government knows best. You know… la-la land.

8. Engage a commission that gets paid, well paid, to search out media bullshit and bring it out immediately, forcefully and non stop. We need Fox times three. That should shut them up, or kill them, one or the other (see Scanners).

9. The next Repub candidate for Prez and VP WILL be a Hispanic and a woman, or STFU.

10. No more primaries. They killed us. Do a deal like we used to—nominees decided in a cigar smoke filled, darkened room…the ones with glasses of brandy and stacks of cash all rubber-banded together in little brown paper bags. You know, like how they pick the Pope.

A Realistic Crank

the_crank@dailyDiscord.com

Here’s what makes me crazy! …well, besides my diagnosis. During any given news cycle some source article or another somewhere on the web is immediately translated into something resembling political pink slime (PPS).  This new version of reality is then disseminated through Fox News, AM radio and any number of social sites for the purpose of perpetuating an easily dismissible false narrative. An example? How about: Godzilla Sighted Near Coastal City shows up on Twitter as Is Obama Weak on Radioactively Enlarged Reptiles?

Oh, you want real examples. Okay…hmm, did I mention the Mothra one? Actually, for real examples you don’t have to look far. I recently received this in my inbox: Do Penalties for Smokers and the Obese Make Sense? This is a nice little story which begs the question: should we tax sweets and cigarettes more to offset the cost of healthcare issues associated with these products? Of course that’s the source article, which is certainly a topic worthy of debate, but what came to me via the Fox-Newsian-filter was: Lib Media Already Pushing Death Panels for Fat People and Smokers!

I mentioned another example a few posts back when some right-winger claimed Obama Pays for CNN’s Content! The source article, in this case, was an interesting Glenn Greenwald Guardian piece. I’m afraid he would not recognize the Foxeteer’s translation…er, nor would anyone else. But this is happening every day, all over the web. Sadly, my beloved blogosphere is part of the problem. What scant facts we receive is Twitterized for your enjoyment. Whereas the Left has their issues, only the Right seems to routinely create news from the ether. And, as for Obamacare:

Hear ye, hear ye,

Rich people will always have access to good healthcare in the U.S. and now, thanks to Barack Obama, poor people will at least have access to the basics.

Sincerely,

Reality

P.S. I know, I know scary stuff.

The ongoing Obamacare angle from the Right will amount to highlighting every story like this: Pickled Drunkard Denied Third Liver Dies! Of course, in a Republican run world the original story would read: Pickled Drunkard Denied Substance Abuse Services or Any Medical Care Whatsoever Dies in Hospital Lobby. Yeah, that sounds so much better. Fear death panels. Got it.

We have had and always will have a team of individuals deciding whether or not an individual has enough money and/or coverage for certain medical procedures. And, as we go broke, it’s only going to get uglier, Obamacare or otherwise. This shit already happens every day in the U.S. and the fact so many seem oblivious to this reality is another example of a segment I like to call, “Here’s another subject the GOP doesn’t seems to know dick about.”  To see another subject the GOP doesn’t seem to know dick about, turn on Fox News right now…

All-or-none thinking, a key theme on the Right, is the story I’ve been covering for years and someday the media will take notice.  Summary: things I blog about generally becomes news in about a year or so and thing the Foxeteers blog about becomes either a tragedy or a comedy.  Doocy or not Doocy, that is the question.

As this relates to Obamacare, the GOP bifurcates reality into either:

You are a “taker”: you should die in the lobby because I don’t want to kick in for the bill.

You are a “maker”: we have blocked the entire third floor of John Hopkins for you, sir, and Dr. House is flying in with your Benadryl as we speak. Can I get you a nurse or maybe something from the naughty variety?

Of course, these are extremes but, thanks to folks like Sean Hannity, that’s all these folks seem to understand. And, no matter what they do for a living and no matter how many liberal entitlements they have personally taken advantage of, the Foxeteers will always consider themselves the “makers” and everyone else, no matter how educated or hardworking or affluent will be considered the “takers”.  Nothing in the middle has EVER made sense to these folks. It’s why even when they have a point—which is exceedingly rare—they still get it wrong.

I started out as a “pox on both your houses” kind of blogger, but over the years I have clearly become more liberal. Why? Well, it’s pretty sad when one group is worried about our imperiled climate, while the other blindly supports coal and oil. It’s pretty sad when one group is worried about our insanely high gun deaths, while the other is against even background checks for the criminally insane. It’s pretty sad when one group is worried about our disparity of wealth—which is now ranked among many Latin American countries—while the other is worried about socialism. Really? So when every penny in Springfield goes to the C. Montgomery Burnses of the world that’s socialism? Is it opposite day again? …yep, pretty much every time I turn on Fox News. Hell, by now you peeps should have knee burns worse than Smithers.

This is the same group against returning to 90’s level taxes after their ilk broke our economy. The real reason…they don’t want another 3% taken out of their earnings because they’re going to win the state lottery next week. Yes, most of them think this.

Last week I caught this over on The Dish:

Bashkar Sunkara recently stated the stunning fact that socialism is more popular than capitalism for those between the ages 18 and 30. Here’s Andrew Sullivan’s take:

“I don’t think Sunkara is wrong about this—but mainly by default, because conservatives, instead of trying to rein in a corrupt capitalism, have been defending its excesses as principles, and just ran a Bain executive as its nominee, for Pete’s sake, after an era in which reckless financial oligarchs nearly destroyed the entire global economy.”

I agree, and I have always predicted the selective outrage over on Fox would one day cloud some real issue (my related feature here). I also warned the GOP’s blind support of those sociopathic aspects of capitalism would be the system’s undoing, here. See? I always get to link back to shit, but as for the GOP’s views and predictions…er, it’s best to forget.

In other words, the defenders of capitalism are killing it. If Republicans have absolutely no desire to fix and reform our system, the country will take its ideology elsewhere. It’s yet another example of anything championed by Fox News is doomed. There’s a deep revulsion to the GOP, and rightly so. But, sorry, this is not some liberal media conspiracy, it’s primarily due to this phenomenon:

Republicans tend to talk about how they really feel about issues…out loud…with the microphone on. (Bad Idea Jeans?)

This revulsion to the Right and what Andrew Sullivan calls “the disillusionment with the status quo” is bound to propel us somewhere. I have always believed there is a need for conservative values, but only the ones that make sense. We don’t need AM radio’s juvenile and counterproductive version. As a direct result, we may now be heading toward a period of uber-liberalism, which has its advantages and its inherent dangers.

These days adult discussion is passé as the Fox translator remains set on hyper-drivel. What can come from our political discourse with the current reading comprehension level and mindset of nearly half our country? We must, as John Dickerson suggested over on Slate, Go For The Throat! It’s a good article encouraging Obama to finish off the GOP. The article echoes many of the themes I’ve already covered. Hey, better Slate than never.

This is also what the GOP fears. Maybe Fox is right about something, maybe Obama is going for the knockout punch. Oh, wait, they’re never right…damn it!

Do I relish the idea of one unchecked party? No, but if the GOP dies perhaps some meaningful conservative movement will fill the void. In its current form the GOP has proven itself to be petty, dysfunctional, and wrong on almost any given subject.  So this is a mercy killing. Hannitized for your protection.

I think Fox News was aiming for a certain level of misinformed viewer, but like some runaway Foxenstein Monster even they are starting to question their creation.

It’s a Lie! It’s a Lie!! Sorry. Somewhere Mary Shelley is being reanimated in her grave.

Did you see the NRA President, LaPierre, interviewed over on Fox? Chris Wallace has always been a pseudo-real journalist stuck in the Matrix (check the interview here). Eventually even Fox News is going to say…er, we didn’t really mean for our viewers to get this crazy.

They can’t control their monstrous creation. The Tea Party was just the beginning…

Is a similar problem occurring over on MSNBC? Sure. But at least there’s a logical connection between the source material and their spiel…at least so far. They don’t change the whole premise of the debate via a delicate blend of extrapolation and stupidity. MSNBC has an ideology and they do spin things. I am not defending them or their tactics, in fact, I never have. I have given them negative press as far back as my Olbermann bashing from 2008.

Hell, I would watch CNN if it didn’t make me want to shoot my face off.

This is CN…zzzzzzzz.

In an effort to appear nonpartisan, CNN has given up on the whole premise of actually reporting on anything. Time and time again I have watched some politician or another on CNN voice some completely absurd viewpoint and those people never questioned anything EVER! I remember one time someone interviewing some GE executive, who was complaining about how EPA regs are stifling the markets. This interview occurred to the backdrop, of all places, the Hudson River. And this “journalist” didn’t even point out the fact that GE has been identified as the main polluter of the Hudson River!

They have become MCs, not journalists. They only introduce the next act, “Up next, kids, we have the bear on a trampoline!” Of course MSNBC’s version of that segment would have focused on the PCBs in the water and the dead river behind them, while Fox News would immediately pan up and over to the Manhattan skyline before allowing the GE guy to further explain how Obama is unfriendly to big business. Of course that’s another reason I choose liberal causes…aka, fuck you, GE.

And yet, somehow, the GOP thinks they’re the great defenders of the Constitution. Let’s be honest, they just want to keep their guns. They will not defend, nor do most of them even seem to understand any other aspect of either the Bill of Rights or the Constitution. I always envision some Foxeteer labeled an enemy combatant being dragged from his or her home.

This can happen minus any proof. There will be no trial because Habeas corpus is now easily circumvented, so no lawyer phone call either. This person will then be tortured by the CIA, which is now permissible, and then perhaps whisked away to some country willing to do even what our own country’s Gestapo won’t. The person may then be beaten until permanently mentally ill. Well, this could explain Michele Bachmann.

Oh, but here’s the part they care about…on our tax dollar! Or maybe this person is finally released in this faraway place only to be killed with a drone strike. This has happened to American citizensbefore, like Jose Padilla for one, and countless others under the Bush Administration. Well, not the drone part.

Let’s face it, the only thing a Foxeteer cares about is having access to a gun as the Feds kick in the door.  Their hero in this scenario was at least able to fumble with some bullets before shooting his clock on the mantle before the Feds tackled him. The only thing they seem truly free from these days are the facts. Yeah freedom!

“Are we hampered as a nation in our ability to address real problems in the evidence-based world if half of the people in politics do not live in that world…and, if so, how does that get fixed?”

—Rachel Maddow

Sounds like she’s channeling Zano. And you wonder why I’m more liberal these days. As I’ve been saying, there is a real danger that everything associated with conservatism will be deemed bullshit. And that day is upon us. But make no mistake, this will give a free pass for Obama and his ilk…and there’s no one to blame but yourselves.

I am aghast and, worse yet, wrong about something. I did not think Obama would dare take shots at the 2nd Amendment (pardon the gun). Do his suggested reforms sound reasonable? Of course. But who cares? You should never have hinted at gun reform, Mr. President. Now you’re going to have to pry shit from their cold dead hands. WTF?! This may be your dumbest move ever…well, besides your decision to not allow Texas to secede.

Dear Mr. President,

First off, I am an advocate of our 2^nd Amendment rights, but I agree some safeguards should be in place designed to help keep guns out of the hands of evil/crazy people, or as I call them, Republicans. But this is not your battle, sir. Fact: someday we will pass reasonable gun-reform legislation, but that day is NOT today. In the early twenty first century you are dealing with a slew of paranoid and highly armed infants. You are taunting a group clearly a few slugs shy of a full cylinder. That’s a gun joke. I had to Google that shit. I thought it was a chamber. Who knew? I think back to all of those Russian roulette sessions and wince. Cylinder, got it…

Your actions remind me of an old SNL bit, Don’t Taunt Happy Fun Ball. You, sir, are taunting Happy Fun Ball!!

Remember, this is a group who think they’re right on any subject, despite the facts, so why fan these flames? A disturbing false narrative has developed over the years and this simply feeds into it. Usually you have some master plan, but I don’t get this one. You walked into a trap set by morons. So what does that make you? Look, no one could have foreseen New Town…except you, of course, after ordering the operation. Regardless of your intent, even if you’re simply trying to enforce existing laws, it will be interpreted by our Nation’s crackpots as THE N***ER IS COMING FOR OUR GUNS!! I told ya’s, dag nab it. I told ya’s. An no sidewindin’ bushwackin’, hornswagglin’ cracker croaker is gonna rouin me bishen cutter! fRABISh! Did you hear Charlie Daniels’ speech? Johnny rosin up your bullshit.

Sincerely,

Mick Zano

P.S. Sorry about the N-word, sir, I just saw Django this weekend. Oh, and let Texas secede. Except Austin, of course, and parts of the panhandle where Interstate 40 runs through it. Thanks.

My biggest complaint about Barack Obama has always been his inability to read certain tea bag leaves. He seems entirely incapable of understanding the batshit Right. I have my PhD in that shit. Having to live in the trenches, I have a good handle on our country’s ailing zeitgeist. Since 2008 I have extensively covered the relative mental health of We The Prozac. I have a good feel for our country’s labile and anxiety-riddled emotional state. Oh, and it was a bad feel, not a good feel. Don’t worry, I reported it to Adult Protective Politics. Of course, we don’t fund that anymore in AZ, so they just told me to go someplace in mind when it happens and think of baseball. Oh, and for a good review of some of our cognitive dysfunctions check my old article here.

Meanwhile, Obama remains detached and aloof about the pulse of the Foxeteers, which is now fluttering like a moth on meth. Their reaction was entirely predictable (Pavlov’s elephants?). This is the only time it has made me wonder if he’s intentionally stoking the coals. The great uniter, purposely dividing? For what purpose? Is he just pissed off, or is there some kernel of truth on the batshitsville side of life? The thought makes me queasy.

I live in Arizona, where people are just coming to terms with the Dred Scott Decision…which, I tell ya, is a slippery slope to a black president. Mark my words! Speaking of frontier gibberish, have you heard AZ’s Senator Kyl speak? fRABISh!

On a side note, Obama also blew it on Inauguration Day. He needed to level with the American people. His Administration promised a full recovery by the end of his first term, when no credible economists thought that was possible. Of course, I know why they did it. Half the formula for our stock market has always been about bullshit perceptions.

“Do you think we’re doing well?”

“Sure, so go buy some shit.”

I can see why capitalism is so popular. And, of course, that’s been Fox and Drudge’s antithetical position. Let’s ignore any problem until the world economy is in a freefall and then let’s hinder the recovery with negative rhetoric so we can return to power.

Had it been reversed; if a GOP president followed this collapse, the economic news would now all be Everything’s Coming Up Roses in overdrive. Speaking of which, why aren’t we switching to Ethanol Merman? Sorry. I’m over my quota.

With a GOP president you would never hear a word about our deficit—just like Reagan’s or W’s silent spend fests (SSFs). Regardless, this is perhaps Obama’s biggest mistake. He should never have riled up a bunch of bullet happy bozos (BHBs). Or is it, bullet happy Bozells? Speaking of which, hey Brent, if the 2nd Amendment is about fighting tyranny, why not just allow guns during Republican Administrations? See how that would make more sense, er…in the same way you invariably don’t?

Then came the ultimate insult:

I am a great believer in the Zano political formula (ZPF), which pretty much states: pick a topic, any topic, and the Democratic solution is dumb, the Republican solution is dumber, and the Tea Party’s solution is the dumbest. This works for nine out of ten topics. For a recent example, the liberal idea of minting a trillion dollar coin is dumb. Many believe it would work as a nice gimmick in the short term, and I happen to agree, but for the long term it’s simply dumb. Republicans want an austerity-only approach, which by all accounts would immediately trigger a double-dip recession, aka, dumber. You have but to look to Europe to see how austerity-only plans are working. And then the Tea Party, not to be out-dumbed, wants to default on our debt as a nation in the name of fiscal conservatism. That is clearly the dumbest plan…by far. As usual, they are in a class by themselves (No Child Left Benign?)

This formula works on almost every issue, like magic…er, until now. On 1/12, I happened to catch Thomas Roberts hosting MSNBC Live. He was arguing with some gun rights advocate. The gun guy reviewed the three primary reasons our Founding Fathers wanted us armed, and then Roberts responds thusly (this is all paraphrased):

Roberts: So you want to take up arms against our military?

Gun Guy: No, it has simply always been meant as a deterrent. We have 80-million armed citizens in our country, which could pose as a deterrent should our government ever become tyrannical.

He then rightly used Afghanistan as an example of a country not easily occupiable, which you can’t refudiate is a word. (Did I mention this was paraphrased?)

Roberts: So you are now knocking our military’s engagement in Afghanistan?

Gun guy: No, that’s not the point.

Roberts: Well, the military has drones, so if you take up arms against the government, you couldn’t win. You would be killed!

WTF? That may be the single dumbest response I have ever heard on any news channel, including Fox, EVER. This anchor did not only fail to understand the Founding Father’s reasoning for our 2^nd Amendment rights, he is suggesting we, the U.S., have 80-million drones lying around to take out every gun owner during an uprising. It was an astounding exchange and it might singlehandedly bring about a tie between the batshit NRA/Nugents of the world and the batshit Michael Moore/uber-disarmers of the world. It was truly a sad moment, especially since over the years I have become more in line with liberal thought—primarily as a direct response to the profoundly embarrassing views and behaviors of the GOP. I know, which is totally irrelephant, right Groucho?

This is one of those topics where just about everyone seems to be wrong:

The NRA’s ideology:

“There’s no correlation between handing rocket launchers to the criminally insane and related violence.”

VS.

Michael Moore’s equally disturbing ideology:

“Who needs more than ten bullets to kill a deer?”

Er, besides Michael Moore? Hey…say what you want about Michael Moore, but he was the best James Bond ever—or was that Roger and Me?

I would like to think more people fall somewhere between these two rather extreme views, but I don’t. In one small poll, my Facebook friends fell entirely into either the Michael Moore (MMC) 10-bullets-a-week camp or the Ted Nugent arm-the-criminally-insane-to-the-teeth camp (TNC), aka, dumb and dumber. I can’t wait to hear the Tea Party’s view, but I fear even typing it might result in a fatal backfire. (Microsoft AK-47?)

Meanwhile, Obama and Biden’s rhetoric has only increased the guns on our streets. Nice job, gents. As I’ve said, this is a horrible time to attempt gun reform when you have so many, so paranoid, so fearful, so misinformed, and so ready to take up arms against a competent administration. Why not wait for an incompetent one? It’s odd, but when an idiot is in charge the GOP seems to relax and anxiety levels drop. Isn’t that paraFoxical? Sorry. The good news, it may be awhile before another Republican enters the Oval Office. Here’s why:

“I want someone smarter than me in office, yet the typical Foxeteer is always searching for someone dumber than them.”

—Mick Zano

I couldn’t have said it better myself. Hey, let’s hand the key to that big red button over to Sarah Palin and then they’ll all be well rested…er, right up until the giant explosions followed by the nuclear winter. Who can refutiate that?

Instead of ending with a Charleston Heston quote, let’s mix it up a little. Rock me, Dr. Zaius!

“The Forbidden Zone was once a paradise. Your breed made a desert of it, ages ago. If only people had listened to Mick Zano.”

—Dr. Zaius

Did I mention this was paraphrased?