You are traveling through another political dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of lies, a slanderous land of imagination. Next stop, the TwiRight Zone! Picture this if you Wills…George Wills. Sorry, but Mr. Winslow wants me to start warning readers before they click the read more button. It cuts down on complaints—at least marginally so.

I know, I know, I’m covering the batshit Right again when I could be at the casinos, but we happen to be between ghost investigations right now and Cokie McGrath isn’t returning any of my phone calls…again. The way I see it there are generally four types of misinformation tactics flooding Republican-land:

1.Irrelevant Comparisons

2.False equivalencies

3.Revisionist history

4.Outright lies

This is not to say these tactics are completely absent on the Left, it’s just that EVERYTHING on the Right seems to fall into one of these four categories. Theirs is a land built on false assumptions, of shadow not substance, a land that lies closer to the pit of man’s fears than the summit of his knowledge, a land known as…okay, okay, I’ll stop!

The first tactic employed by the GOP is:

1. The Irrelevant Comparison:

The chart at right is not the one I originally saw on Facebook, I couldn’t find that, but it’s the same idea. It might be accurate, aka those numbers are probably real, but comparing the end of Bush and Obama’s first terms in this manner is truly meaningless. But it does get to the heart of the GOP’s delusion. To them the collapse never happened, to them we’re not heading for continued global economic uncertainty, to them overpopulation is not an issue, to them lowering unemployment is easily correctable (despite our country’s inability to actually make things anymore), to them we can frack our way to energy sustainability, to them climate change isn’t happening, to them a return to a 50s-style American nirvana is just around the corner. Next stop Willoughby! Sorry, if I sneak in any more of these Zone references you can wish me away to the cornfield.

Yes, the future is bleak, but it could be worse….

Instead of the economic collapse of 2009, let’s say there was a zombie apocalypse. So that chart above is essentially saying, “As part of Cheney’s covert Super Soldier Program a mutated virus went awry triggering a zombie outbreak. But when George W. Bush left office only a mere 3% of the population were zombies, but in the subsequent four years under the incompetent leadership of Barack Hussein Obama, 96% of the population of Earth became zombies! That zombie appeasing socialist! In all fairness to the Right, Obama’s campaign slogan A Brain in Every Mouth didn’t help matters (grey matter joke gnawed upon and then omitted).

See how that works? It’s a cooked book! It’s a cooked book! Sorry, it’s a Zone thing. Another related analogy might be comparing the economy of Hiroshima of 1944 to 1945. Very insightful but, umm, you’re kind of forgetting about the atomic Bush, or the whole zombie apocalypse thing. Comparing the surplus W walked into to the clusterfuck Obama inherited is like comparing apples and orangutans (Trump ancestry joke omitted, as there’s still a pending lawsuit). Oh, and if you don’t want liberals to keep mentioning Bush, stop thinking charts like this are meaningful.

Another tactic prevalent on the right is called:

2. False Equivalency & You!

The false equivalency, which I first described years ago as “We’re Even!” goes something like this: if a pattern of truly sinister and irrational rhetoric/actions/plottings occur on the Right, it is immediately cancelled out with one semi-related quote uttered by some Rosie O’Donnell type on the Left. Bill Maher has also identified this tactic.

“There’s a man on the right winger of this plane!”

—William Shatner

Exhibit A:

The game “We’re Even!” was played effectively by the Romney campaign during the War on Women. As the Republicans attempted to respond to many of their own statements on rape, birth control, and pay inequality, they semi-successfully squelched the momentum when an Obama intern said, “Ann Romney never worked a day in her life.” Do you remember that? Well, Obama’s aid had a valid point in the context of the argument, but the Republicans all cried in unison, “We’re Even!”—which means everything they said is absolved. It’s like when you’re playing chess and you’re about to be checkmated so you accidentally kick the table.

So…

One valid but inarticulate statement by Obama’s intern =

All of the Republican Senators, Congressman and Presidential candidate’s statements and beliefs that triggered the War on Women.

Well played Republicans, well played. The Hannitys, Drudges and Limbaughs of the world pull this shit every damn day. One drunk Occupier from Oakland says something and that’s supposed to Trump anything said by…er, bad choice of words. You’re fired! Here’s my favorite recent example of false equivalency:

The chart at right is not mine, but I immediately made this same point as Benghazi was unfolding here. My quote:

“You know what’s a real scandal? When nearly 3,000 Americans died in our own country, while our President kept reading My Pet Goat. That’s a slightly larger intelligence failure, no? But in Bush’s defense that’s a really good book.”

—Mick Zano

I always try to link back to earlier posts, but as for the GOP-types it’s best we forget their statements so they can focus all of their energy on botching the next issue.

We probably couldn’t have prevented the four deaths in the cesspool known as Benghazi, yet somehow that trumps the largest intelligence failure here in America since Pearl Harbor—not to mention the worst reaction to said intelligence failure since Nam. Oh, not to mention our wonderful Republican Congress actually blocked funds for said embassy security. But I can see their point…er, okay not really. Can anyone on the Right even identify an actual problem anymore? Oh yeah, the guy just confirmed as our Defense Secretary (Hint: that’s why they hate him). This whole scenario becomes even more disturbing when you consider approximately 40% of our country thinks Benghazi = Iraq.

Of course, the Foxeteer will respond with, “We’re even! Besides, Iraq was just an intelligence failure!”

Oh, Iraq was an intelligence failure all right, just not the kind you meant, or as I put it nearly a sentence ago:

“Oh, Iraq was an intelligence failure all right, just not the kind you meant.”

—Mick Zano

Sorry, I’ve apparently already abused my hyperlink privileges.

As a psychology type, I wonder how so many people can immediately translate this back into Limbaughnese. Tragic beans? Wait, I got it! Rove-setta Stone!

Translate and understand a truly irrational ideology in just a few easy Hannity episodes! You two can make sense of the senseless with our six-CD set. And, not only is it inaccurate, it’s fun!

False equivalency (exhibit two):

The GOP believes voter intimidation/suppression =

Yes, it equals two yahoos at a voting station in an already heavily favored Obama district being weird and creepy.

VS.

Republican intimidation/suppression =

A coordinated effort by politicians and judges to create systemic changes designed to create widespread voter suppression.

Come on everyone! Say it with me! …We’re Even!

And yet Congress couldn’t even clap during that SOTU story of a 102 year old woman who waited many hours to vote in Florida. I know Obama said no more name calling, buutt…

What a great game. You see? Those are equal…well, for the factually impaired. Similarly the GOP is now trying to essentially gerrymander the entire Electoral College (related article here). Confused? Just replace the word gerrymander with screw. But don’t worry, I’m sure the next statement by Michael Moore on the subject will mean, “We’re Even!” Sadly tuition was too high at the Electoral College for me, but I still frequent the campus bars.

And for #3 one of my favorites:

3. Revisionist History:

I’ve beaten this one to death, but my last post has an example that gets to the heart of it. The Foxeteers think the Bush Administration never happened and they all agree “Obama is the worst President ever!”

Reality Check:

Historians and scholars rank W. almost dead last and Obama is guesstimated by guru Nate Silver as coming in around 17^th (between good and average).

Here’s one of my old articles on Republican revisionism here. When investigated and researched, almost everything the GOP holds as gospel is built on a pile of lies and false assumptions, or as I call it The Vatican. I kid the Pope. Actually, it all started with Lord Reagan and an economic strategy with many years of implementation yet no discernable successes (aka, Trickle Down, aka, Supply Side Economics, aka, Reaganomics, aka, how can you all be against pot and dream up this shit?). Well, it apparently works if you like high deficits.

The last and probably most heavily utilized tactic is (drum roll):

4. Outright Lies:

The Outright Lie is my favorite, but I’m told if I try to list these again I will crash our server. For examples see any non-ghost-related-Zano-article (NGRZA). I believe the NGRZA were the same dragon-like creatures the ringwraiths flew back in Mordor. It must be true, I heard it in a Zeppelin song. I am going to try to limit this category to one recent example to add to my collection:

Okay, Googling…(12 seconds later)…ah, here we are:

The Sequester: If you want to know step-by-step how it’s actually going down, check out Dickerson’s coverage over on Slate. Hint: it will be news to a Foxeteer, but what isn’t, right? Yes, the GOP, as usual, is insistent on being the most wrong on any given topic. And the only thing they’re consistent about is their ability to lie to each and every step of the way. Bob Woodward’s rendition was also dismantled by Ezra Klein, here. Oops.

Hey, Pssst, Woodward. Come here, let me talk to you in private:

Look, you’re an okay dude, but even if you think the GOP is right about something, they’re probably not. I learned this the hard way a few times and you can learn from my mistakes. If you think they’re right about something double check that shit before you open your mouth, kapish?

(Italics = Private).

But even if it were true, even if Obama set up the sequester trap, Boehner will step right into that shit every time. Obama has been playing a great game of chess. But, on the other…er, opposable thumb…

Andrew Sullivan has always made the comparison Obama = Road Runner and Boehner = Wile E. Coyote, but some good news for the Republicans, according to his business card, Wile E. Coyote is a super genius. This aint rocket surgery.

Here’s some more scientific reasons for the GOP’s continued suckage. Good thing for them they don’t believe in science, eh? Did you hear about this study suggesting neurological difference between voting D and R? Check out this Penn State/Brown University study. Of course, Fox News covered the news as, “Hey kids, there’s a reason you buy all our malarkey despite any supporting evidence! You use the reptilian parts of your brain more often and more effectively than Democrats! It’s called the amygdala and it governs fear, paranoia, and most Fox & Friends episode.”

Or, as I said in my last post (before reading this study):

“We both arrived at similar conclusions. I arrived at mine through reason and logic and they arrived at theirs through fear and propaganda…the usual.”

—Mick Zano

Yeah, I’m a shameless know-it-all. It’s a shame. I have already covered the neurological deficits of the GOP here, as well as accurately diagnosed them as a collective here. The amygdala is a more primitive part of the brain associated with people who used to beat me up regularly at frat houses. The anterior insula—used more by the Dems to reach decisions—is mammalian in origin. So Republicans’ decision making first arrived on the evolutionary scene…well, this joke says it best:

Brain Studies Suggest GOP is only 290 Million Years Behind! Fox News: So close to the Mesozoic you can smell it… Ahh, but we haven’t developed smell yet.

Ask your doctor if the more executive functioning centers of the brain are right for you. Yeah, they’re not just a little behind on the evolutionary scale, but that’s okay because they don’t believe in evolution. So they’re good. And don’t worry, I’m sure sail-backed-synapsids are coming back into style any time now. I kid the Republicans. But studying how one uses the anterior insulate (mammalian) vs. the amygdala (reptilian) has an 83% accuracy in determining whether you will vote D or R. Scary but Truman.

“The only thing to fear is Fox itself”

—FDR

This also ties into a theory I have supported for many years, Beck & Cowan’s Spiral Dynamics. This theory states cultures and individuals move through stages, or levels of consciousness, namely from: tribal thought, to fundamentalism, to entrepreneurialism, to liberalism, to—if you believe the Transpersonalists like Ken Wilber—integral thought. I think this is an accurate theory, but it’s controversial because at first glance it appears hierarchical (a liberal taboo) and Republicans don’t like it (because of their ranking). Of course, the Wilberits would say we can counter these problems by meditating, meditating, meditating! Initially misunderstanding this message, I ended up with a sore palm throughout most of my adolescence.

The dysfunction of our government is primarily of Republican design and most of our current woes are linked to Republican policies. I would love to do a whole post on issues I do agree with the GOP, but thus far it’s only one sentence. But, in their defense, it is a long sentence.

But here’s one disturbing point. There’s no one left to reign Obama in. Let’s be clear…there’s no longer a viable opposition party. Obama is going to push Keynesian economics to its limits, which I personally don’t think is a great idea. He can just dismantle the GOP’s arguments and paint them as crazy. It’s not too difficult as they have a tendency to talk about how they really feel about issues, out loud…with their microphones on. I still feel Obama is fairly moderate in his governing, but nevertheless America is being pushed toward an uber-liberalism and some of this rampant leftism is a direct result of the sad and pathetic behavior of the Foxeteers, or as I put it in my last post:

“One Sean Hannity episode and I’m ready to hand over my gun, have an abortion, and divide all my money equally between my coworkers.”

—Mick Zano

I fear this scenario. What they fear is a larger dimetrodon; their only natural predator. Sorry, back in time again. Precambrian…hmm, if my 8^th grade science is correct that came before the Cambrian.

So if some moment, any moment, you hear emanating from your flat screen the sound of Sean Hannity or Bill O’Reilly, voices filled with vitriol and angst, they are the last gasps of a dying ideology—an ideology trying to muddle its way home from one of the darker corners of the TwiRight Zone.

Let’s let the Zone’s Rod Serling close up shop:

“It’s a sickness known as hate. Not a virus, not a microbe, not a germ. Highly contagious. Deadly in its effects. Don’t look for it in the Twilight Zone. Look for it in the mirror. Look for it before the lights go out altogether…like during the last Super Bowl. Go Ravens!”

—Rod Serling

(Not doctored in any way)

(Honest)

(Okay, perhaps a smidge)

mick_zano@dailydiscord.com

Washington, DC—Last night, the rotting corpses of several deceased U.S. presidents reanimated themselves in an attempt to stabilize the economy from beyond the grave and “to put an end to this Pirate Bay thing.”

However, what was intended as a unified front quickly broke down into chaos as the undead ran amok through the Capitol. The only one present at this morning’s press conference was zombie Richard Nixon, who had this to say:

“So once again, I’m the only schmuck with any God damned sense of responsibility around here, eh? Jesus Christ, this was a bad idea. What a bunch of slugs … huh? Where are they? Let’s see, zombie Gerald Ford almost made it, but he knocked out half his teeth attacking the Lincoln Memorial statue, then the Eternal Flame caught his pants on fire and he fell into the Potomac. They’re trolling for the dumb bastard right now. He may still show up.

“Zombie Ronnie only wants to feed on prepubescent boys … I have no idea, ask him. Apparently they’re quite tasty. I didn’t think it was possible, but that old cocksucker’s even more senile dead than alive. He was last spotted at a schoolyard in Baltimore, sitting on the ground slurping up some little kid’s brains with a spoon and yelling: “ME LIKEE NUM NUMS! MORE KETCHUP, MOMMY!” No worse than Reaganomics, I suppose.

“Who else? Well, zombie LBJ refuses to leave Texas, so maybe we can set up a remote broadcast … how the God damn hell should I know? What do I look like, his agent? I swear, you press bozos get worse every year. It’s like a loser’s convention in here … hey, same to you buddy, alright? My flesh is falling off in clumps and I’m going to worry about bad publicity? PPPPHT. Blow it out your ass, Nancy boy. I’m dead, what the fuck do I care?

“Anyway, zombie Ike … whoa doggie, guy should have stayed underground, know what I mean? Whee-oo! I swabbed out latrines in the Navy that smelled better than that poor son of a bitch. Don’t worry, the old coot’s harmless. And anything that moves slow enough for him to catch deserves to perish.

“Where’s zombie JFK? He has a headache … hey, don’t ‘Boo’ me, you assholes! That’s no joke, he actually … what? He was seen where? Are you sure it was him? OK, you got me. He doesn’t really have a headache, he’s out on a pussy hunt. I don’t know how he does it. Motherfucker has a third of his skull missing and he still gets more ass than a toilet seat. Sorry Jacko, I tried to cover for you, bud.

“See, the plan was for us to eat only the brains of smart people and then put our heads together, so to speak. Buuuut, it looks like we really screwed the pooch this time. Down the ol’ crapperoo. I guess the next stage is to start reanimating vice-presidents. Lord help us all.”

When asked to comment, zombie Jimmy Carter said, “Wait just a cotton pickin’ minute, what the hell am I doin’ here? I ain’t even dead yet! Am I? Roslynn, get the thermometer!”

You can catch the first part of this post here. Today I will continue to dismantle Republican thought (oxymoron alert) faster than our annual Parkinson’s Jenga match. I will slay the Rovian Dragon, pop the Foxian bubble of non-reality, and still make it back to Hops on Birch for hoppy hour.

Our first issue of round two is the deficit—a topic Republicans claim the higher ground, despite the evidence.  Again, I went in reverse chronological order for reasons of interest…and the James Bond theme continues for reasons I can’t quite remember.

2012: A Deficit Odyssey:

The GOP & Fox News: The Right helped identify the problem…er, that they created, yet somehow they weren’t against any of the spending pre the collapse. But that’s not their fault, really, they were watching Fox News. And then none of them supported any viable strategy like Simpson-Bowels in real time to combat said spending—except maybe their hero turned arch villain, Chris Christie. Foodraker?

Like it or not, most of our deficit, minus the stimulus, is linked to Republican policies. We still have the bills. Just like my extensive rap sheet, it’s public record. To tie this into a personal credit card situation, let’s say the GOP buys a Ferrari and a Corvette. They are now essentially blaming Obama for having the audacity to continue the car payments. They still think Obama blew five-trillion on golf. The Man with the Golden Clubs? Hey, let’s get into more unnecessary wars and then vote against raising the debt limit!

Two important charts:

What these “rerun” charts show, courtesy of the Congressional Budget Office, is how one President is trying to stop the bleeding while the other guy…er, is clearing brush somewhere. The GOP does back the Ryan budget, which every credible economist thinks would trigger a depression, but, hey, what doesn’t kill them will only make them wronger. Ask your doctor if Reality is right for you.

As it turns out, nothing the GOP supports has anything to do with our traditional understanding of mathematics or economics. Fact: Keynesian economics helped us avoid the Bush Depression. Do I like this imaginary money plan? No. Was I originally in favor of it? No, but: A). It’s working, albeit slowly, and B). we never would have had to learn about Keynesian economics if those who call themselves fiscal conservatives actually paid for shit! Oh, and the Ferrari just dropped a tranny. Wait, she’s still clinging to the hood! (T.J. Hooker joke omitted).

No points—GOP

Zano’s position: I was initially against some of the overspending, such as the Iraq War and No Child Left Behind, then I backed the deficit reduction commission’s recommendations (2009), then I backed a better plan called Simpson-Bowles (2010). We need a 60/40 or 65/35 type revenue to austerity ratio, which I first mentioned many years ago here. Even the 50/50 plan Dems are now proposing might work. Isn’t that always the way, though? The plan I favor will work, the Dems plan might work, and the Republican plan…check please!

Of course anything involving ratios is a meaningless debate to an all-or-none thinking Foxeteer. Check out this article from Eliot Spitzer over on Slate, or this New York Times one on Ryan’s “Fairy Tale Budget.” The GOP remains against every feasible plan. Dr. No?

The GOP’s “strategy” can be summarized as extending all tax cuts and breaks, gutting only critical services for those most in need, blowing up the deficit much higher, and then shifting the last of our profits to the One Percent. This is fiscal conservatism? …well, for the reality impaired.

Marco Rubio’s recent State of the Bubble Address (SUBA) was nonsense. Their whole game plan is to keep repeating lies faster than an OCD/Tourette’s sufferer on methamphetamine. That’s it! They’re making crystal math, which explains why it doesn’t add up and why it feels really good to those already addicted.

In related news, the Tea Party will be known primarily for five things:

1. Forming a “Tea Party” during a period of historic low taxes and backing that ridiculous “Norquist Tax Pledge”. Thankfully many politicians are finally distancing themselves from that nonsense…Never Tax Never Again?

2. Blocking the debt deal in July of 2012 through a delicate combination of all-or-none thinking and ignorance.

3. Related to #2: they were a key component to our 2011 downgraded bond status (Bond, Downgraded Bond). Hey, was Norquist on Her Majesty’s Secret Disservice? Sorry for that one…it’s the vodka martinis talking.

4. Voting in dangerously inept politicians who will not help their states or this country as well as Fox-blocking any chance for meaningful reforms.

5. The picture below that will win the Daily Discord a Pulitzer!

½ a point—Zano.

(I dinged myself ½ a point for not backing the stimulus, which by all accounts avoided a depression, aka, I made the mistake of agreeing with Fox News. Doh! GOPtopussy? Okay, that one was a stretch but no more than their economic policies.

Sept 2009: Obamacare:

The GOP & Fox News’ position: Obamacare will end life as we know it!

½ a point—GOP & Fox News

Zano’s position: Both options suck. Defending our insurance companies is unconscionable, but it’s not the right time for universal healthcare. We’re broke. Republicans fear Obamacare, but won’t even acknowledge the small-business-killing trajectory of healthcare costs. This is really sad when you consider the quality of our healthcare system is plummeting like a certain Norwegian Blue parrot. Pining for the fjords?! Sorry, that’s actually a Monty Python reference, but Pythons are Forever!

But let’s cut the wrong-brigade a break and call it even. We really don’t know if Obamacare is going to work or how much it’s going to cost. If I were a betting man, I’d say it’s going to be too expensive. But if you look at the 15 happiest countries in the world, they all have, support, and love their country’s universal healthcare, here. We just aren’t that exceptional anymore. Damn socialists! Like those happy-go-lucky Israeli Commies!

½ a point—Zano

(I am ultimately for universal healthcare but I do question the timing. We both arrived at similar conclusions. I arrived at mine through reason and logic and they arrived at theirs through fear and propaganda…the usual.)

2009 March: More Stimulus?

The GOP & Fox News’s position:  The bailouts didn’t work. Stop the rest of the stimulus now!

No points—GOP & Fox News

Zano’s position: Sure the Stimulus is imaginary money but we are faring far better than countries that went austerity only. I said to watch England here as they were going too heavy on the austerity side. There are a number of European experiments going on now and they are pretty much following a predictable pattern.

½ a point—Zano

2009 January: The Great Recession:

The GOP & Fox News’ position: The recession that we never saw coming will be over in a couple of months (nailed it).

No points—GOP & Fox News

Zano’s position: Capitalism the way we know it just ended (film at 11). Nuff said.

One point—Zano

2008: The Lead Up to the Great Recession:

(Remember, we’re going in reverse order)

The GOP & Fox News’ position: The economy is fine, so buy a Hummer NOW. I distinctly remember Fox News was really stressing the importance of buying shit right up until the day of the collapse. I remember this because of how truly stupid it sounded at the time (even by typical Fox standards). Hah, hah, Fox standards. I made a funny. 

No points—GOP & Fox News

Zano: I predicted our pending economic demise about six months before it hit and it was mentioned on this site back in 2008 here (as far back as the Discord goes). I knew we couldn’t lower taxes during two wars and fund all those other bullshit Bush programs. We still haven’t paid for his mistakes, yet here’s a check for $250 everybody! Idiot. The economy collapsed right on cue. The stock market has rallied under Obama, but it’s all Monopoly money at this point…maybe it always was.

One point—Zano

2009: Enters Obama (Will He Restore The Rule Of Law?):

The GOP & Fox News’ position: Notice those Constitutional savvy Foxeteers never even identified Bush’s executive expansion of power, yet they were immediately uncomfortable with a Democrat wielding such an expansion…um, that never happened. They deserve – 100 for never even recognizing the breakdown of the rule of law in the first place, but I will settle for a zero.

No points—GOP

Zano’s position: I predicted Obama would never restore the rule of law (only because no one ever has). My first reference on this subject was an article in 2009, where I said, “I remain skeptical the rule of law will be restored (under Obama).”

Sure Obama is using these expanded powers more competently, which is a nice change, but it’s still deplorable that the executive branch can do whatever the hell it wants now. And, yes, Republicans, blame yourselves. Pre-W we had a Justice Department. You’ve heard me say this before, you couldn’t have an Eric Holder without an Alberto Gonzales. Check out my article on the subject from July of 2010: Funny thing but breaking something called the Justice Department, might just have consequences for…er, justice.

You want those documents on Fast & Furious? …well, I don’t. I want to know how you justify killing an American citizen without any oversight, aka, the Gonzales Special. As for what you want, try investigating who started those programs (hint: his name rhymes with Sick Meaney).

One point—Zano

2005: The Surge:

The GOP & Fox News: Fox supported the Surge in Iraq. Military strategists say the decision to send in more troops in 2005 did have some positive effect on securing Iraq. Kudos. (A dry martini, shaken not surged).

One point—GOP & Fox News

Zano: I was against the Surge. I was unaware of the Anbar Awakening and did not realize ethnic cleansing was winding down in key cities. But I do really miss those community genocide bake sales. The Surge’s timing was fortuitous, but Bush only orchestrated it to develop his own exit strategy from the White House. Regardless, I’m happy to be wrong. My Goldeneye has failed me. Sorry, best I could do with that one. Wait…NPR is saying, right now, that Iraq is on the brink again. Hmmm. I said the Surge would not bring any long term stability…oh, heck, let’s give ‘em the point. It’s not like they’ll ever get another one.

Zero points—Zano

2005: Torture:

The GOP & Fox News: Get those bad guys! Waterboard the bastards! Indefinitely expand executive power. Go through our mail, our email, and wiretap us illegally while suspending habeas corpus indefinitely—even for American citizens—then torture them until they’re mentally ill or dead (aka, Jose Padilla). Please destroy whatever parts of the Constitution and the Bill of Rights you need to keep our sorry asses safe. Hallelujah!

No points—GOP & Fox News

Zano: Thank you Mr. Obama for apologizing for W. and ending torture, but damn you for not bringing those responsible to justice! In any other civilized society people are hung for this shit, yet somehow the argument morphed into, did torture work? Did it keep us safe? Where are the whistleblowers when you need them? (Zero Narc Thirty?) Oh, that’s the only other scandal, what Obama’s doing to whistleblowers.

Could you imagine in Nuremberg some Nazi pleading his defense, “Gestapo’s enhanced interrogation techniques saved countless German lives.” Do you think that guy would have been exonerated? I realize this argument is meaningless to a Foxeteer, like logic and reason itself. Hey, are they followers of Propagandacles? or Agendastotle? Those are lesser known Bond films, like View to a Koch.

“But Zano, we’re not Nazis?!”

Umm, you just use some of the same tactics, is all. Torture has never been an argument. It’s only a testament to the GOP’s hypocrisy and neo-fascist tendencies. You want to know what really leads a country to fascism? (Hint: it has nothing to do with insuring more people). Oh, I remember, right after Germany annexed Poland, Hitler started Adolfcare. The bastard! Actually Hitler used a terrorist attack to suspend Habeas corpus indefinitely and then started something called Homeland Security.  Sound familiar? My 2008 take here. No country has ever gone from socialism to Communism, only fascism to Communism. Damn history, with its stuff that already happened and shit.

Experts from every branch of the military have admitted torture doesn’t work. But who cares? The greatest Al-Qaeda recruitment tool in the last decade was Abu Ghraib. Thanks Rummy. Dick. Yeah, let’s thank Dick too. Quantum of Soulless?

One point—Zano

2002: The Iraq War:

The GOP & Fox News’ position: Not this shit again! But I’ll say this much, this was NOT just a massive intelligence failure. That’s another big lie. Inspectors were pleading with W. not to start bombing. They were saying, “Wait! There’s nothing here!” But then again, he did pray on the subject, didn’t he? So W. and God were of one mind on this one. Let there be Right! License to Kill?

Zero points—GOP & Fox News

Actually, how about we minus one point for every military and civilian death?   

Zano:

“Next to Vietnam, Iraq will be among the greatest U.S. foreign policy blunders of all time.”

—Mick Zano, 2003.

I ran naked through the streets protesting the war the day it started and then I drank myself silly. Okay, I might have done most of that anyway. Let there be Bud Light! Or to keep with the theme, how about The Living Bud Lights?

One point—Zano

Presidents Bush V Obama’s Rankings:

The GOP & Fox News’ position: George W. Bush…hmmm, we don’t remember much about him, but he did pretty well. We can’t think of anything he did wrong, offhand. But that Barack Obama will go down in history as the worst President in U.S. history!

Zero points—GOP & Fox News

Zano’s position: I predicted in 2004 W. would be ranked about the worst in history and on Obama’s Inauguration Day I predicted he would be marked well for his foreign policy and “meh” on the horrid economy he inherited.

After reviewing four of the most recent surveys by scholars and historians, Nate Silver just predicted Obama will be ranked 17^th best (between good and average). Meanwhile, W. has only one President ranked below him, James Buchanan, who I believe murdered puppies for fun. And, sorry, you can’t count the guy who died right after his inauguration. And when I was predicting W. would be the worst ever, no one else was, and when right wingers keep saying Obama is the worst ever they’re trying to create reality through something called bullshit. Good luck with that.

One point—Zano

The final score, combining both posts, is 11 ½ points for Zano to 2 points for the GOP & Fox News. Have I mentioned I’m a spoof news blogger? I have no business beating ANYONE in the business this badly, let alone EVERYONE. Geesh. Did I mention I’m not that bright?

Oh, and when Iraq completely descends back into chaos, I’m taking that “Surge” point back! I hope to hell it doesn’t happen, but I have to contend with something they don’t, reality.

The GOP will have different key points, of course, because the bubble is a very different and scary place. To address some of them briefly:

FACT: Criminal background checks for gun purchasing was first proposed by Lord Reagan.

FACT: Unemployment numbers will remain high no matter who’s elected. D and R have both been shipping manufacturing jobs overseas for decades as part of Bush’s: Operation Weekday Freedom (old Maher joke).

FACT: We will never get anywhere with Roe V Wade, because both sides can’t or won’t listen to reason on this issue, which makes any meaningful discourse impossible.

FACT: The Right’s entire economic theory is based on Supply Side Economics, aka, Trickle Down Theory, which if you Google it says, “This has never worked in this U.S. or any other country in recorded history. Well, besides the conservative blowback from the mastodon’s neo-Marxist period circa the early Pleistocene.” It really says that. 

FACT: As soon as Romney and Ryan would have found Iran on a map, they would have bombed it. These two would have made Sarah Palin look strong on foreign policy.

Let’s not forget the Foxeteers other ‘important’ issues, like birth certificates and Muslims infiltrating the White House. Senator McCarthy would be proud. Oh and, yes, we are amidst a mass extinction on this planet, but as we lose species after species there’s some good news, Republicans may well be one of them.

I should also quickly add two more retractions. Initially, I thought a flat tax sounded logical and showing ID when you voted sounded logical as well. Umm, I should have known better. My assuming-they’re-always-wrong-premise works so much better. A flat tax, though somewhat logical, puts more even more of a burden on the poor at a time when the disparity of wealth typically triggers a revolution. Yes, most Latin American countries at this point have less of a disparity of wealth (see a related Economist article here), or as I’ve said before to our President:  “Socialism, you’re doing it wrong.” I do give Obama some credit for trying to save the middle class and I condemn the GOP for not even identifying the problem. Meanwhile, every GOP position supports the “one percent”…totally by coincidence. No conspiracy here.

Subtleties are lost on these peeps. You see, you can be pro 2^nd Amendment and still think the NRA head is an asshole; you can be pro-Israel and understand how Netanayhu’s blind recklessness is (see NRA head); you can be pro-choice and understand how Roe V Wade was a strange ruling; you can be pro reducing our deficit without being pro depression; and you can also be pro capitalism but realize some of this shit’s rigged. Chuck Hagel gets it and that’s why they hate him. How many IQ points must he drop before he will be an acceptable Republican? Why not just give him a number?

The Bush years are in the books (the GOP wrong on all counts), and the Obama years will be tallied soon enough (the GOP will be wrong on all counts). Well played.

This is a hell of a statement, but one of the biggest threats we face in the early 21st century remains the ongoing group-think of the GOP. Almost regardless of the issue, they are a hindrance. They are the bull in china shop, the monkey with the gun, the elephant in the room, and if you give me long enough, buy gum, I’ll work in the rest of the animal crackers into this sentence.  I am saying the GOP must reform or disband but not for my own agenda, for theirs. They are the worst advocates for capitalism, for free markets, for the 2^nd amendment, and they will destroy any and all of their causes by following this delusional false narrative. One Sean Hannity episode and I’m ready to hand over my gun, have an abortion, and divide all my money equally between my coworkers.

“We don’t have a spending problem, we have a Republican problem.”

—Mick Zano

Nine out of ten things going wrong right now have nothing to do with Barack Obama or his party. And the one major thing going astray on his watch, in this case drone strikes, they can’t even recognize as a problem. The rightward drift of the GOP and their ongoing abandonment of reason is and remains the story within the story of our time. I’m stunned how few seem to know Cheney, or Morris—or, for those non-political peeps—Clark. And I will end this monstrosity of a post with a quote from Christopher Hitchens, in honor of all of my friends on the right side of the aisle:

“What can be asserted without evidence, can be dismissed without evidence.”

Consider yourselves dismissed.

From Zano with Love

I have called for the Republican Party to disband. I don’t make this statement lightly, nor am I kidding myself that their reign of terror is by any means over. It’s all just wishful blogging. But if you call for reform for a decade and it only gets worse…tootles. Don’t let the Capitol Building doors hit you on the ass on the way out. Really, those steps are steep.

I have a score card. I pitted yours truly, a joke spoof-news bloggerist, against Fox News & the GOP. Oh, and NO you can’t call the last decade a mulligan. Any recent improvement on their part is greatly exaggerated. Any reforms seem motivated by losing seats, nothing remotely resembling self-reflection. So Karl Rove has stepped up to lead their makeover? Great.

People seem no longer capable of looking at issues through any semblance of independent thought. I identified this disturbing trend years ago. Check out one of my articles in 2008. Knowing someone’s views on the death penalty should not, in and of itself, determine how you fall on every other issue of our time. This is a failure of all media, right and left. Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens mentioned this phenomenon three years later during a conversation, here. I’ll refrain from another I-told-you-so moment. The Right only has a series of this-is-why-we’re-still-right-despite-all-evidence moments. Hell, even when they’re right on principle, they seem insistent on blowing every issue like Senator Craig at a truck-stop glory hole…what? Too soon?

I tried to focus this contest on key junctures and key issues of our time. I combined Fox News & the GOP, as history will damn them equally. I briefly summed up the old stuff as not to beat a dead elephant, yet some undeniable patterns keep emerging like Senator Craig’s feet from under a truck stop bathroom stall. What? …he has a wide stance.

Oh, and I’m doing this in reverse order so people who are over the whole 2003-thing can, skim, or stop reading, or switch back to porn…you know, the usual. Oh, and I simply tied them into James Bond films out of sheer boredom:

Immigration:

The GOP & Fox News’ position: They have a real point here. I know, I know…weird. We should enforce the immigration laws on our books and secure our borders, but then they still manage to lose the argument—this time through a delicate blend of xenophobia and stupidity. Not to be confused with Xenaphobia: the fear of sexy amazon warrior women (Amazon.com joke omitted).

Hint: illegals will only stop coming here when you stop hiring them to cut your lawns and your solution to build a physical wall along our southern border is the dumbest thing I have ever heard since…well, since the last time I turned on Fox News.

½ a point – GOP

(Hey, they identified the problem, only out of fear and paranoia, but it’s still extraordinarily insightful…for them).

Zano’s position: The GOP wants a big wall so no one else can get in, yet they personally need Enrique and his five children at the sweatshop to keep the overhead down. They deserve that cheap labor, damn it! But no one else does. There’s a similar theme with their, “My family needs all those entitlements, but please make them unavailable for everyone else” clause.

First off, almost no one is sneaking into our country post-Bush. Have you seen the numbers? Or, in this case, number? More people are joining scientology these days—even when they mention the Xenu part (not to be confused with Xenu: Warrior Princess). Deja groaner alert. Most who are still entering our country illegally are drug mules, which my War on Drugs policy will address shortly.  But I am still hoping my guy makes it across; it’s medicinal. I have glaucoma in my right eye…or mustard. I’m sure it’s one of the two. Gulden Eye? All right, I’m already giving up on the Bond theme thing.

How about this for an answer: try enforcing hiring practices? Problem solved. Wow, that was hard. Then those five people who remain should have some type of path toward citizenship. Building the Great Wall of Stupid and deporting nine million people on buses is something Michele Bachmann dreams up when she’s not smearing her living room walls with pig’s blood.

One point – Zano.

Warmers: Climate Change You Can’t Believe In:

The GOP & Fox News’ Position: Climate change is all political. Polar bear deaths are all staged by Al Gore, so don’t mess with the markets. Drill baby drill! …View to a Spill? Okay, I lied.

Zero points – GOP

For this one they should lose a gazillion. They are the only group—not just in America, but on Earth—who won’t even acknowledge What’s Happening…and, frankly, that was one of the best shows of the late 70’s. “Hey, HEY, hey.” That never gets old. Republicans are willing to gamble with mankind’s entire future based on Fox News Facts (It Can Hannity Tomorrow joke omitted for your protection).

Zano’s Position: This is the Republican’s big gamble…Casino Royale? I realize Al Gore and others politicized the issue, which I always warned would backfire, but the warm remain the same:

1. A change of some type is happening (Duh).
2. We don’t know exactly what percentage is attributed to mankind (especially the math-impaired Right).
3. Either way pollution = bad.

Deep stuff. Yeah, deep stuff for the GED…sorry, GOP. See my related article here. Climate change or a mass extinction of this magnitude generally shouldn’t be perceivable in a single lifetime, but in this case it actually is. So even if you don’t understand something we elitists like to call science, you can simply look outside (hint: try taking off those Rove-colored glasses). The fact we’re losing eight Lake Erie’s worth of glacial ice each year is frightening; the fact half our country is ignoring this fact is astounding.

One of the last skeptics, Nicholas Stern, now thinks we’re on a four degree trajectory upward. Oopsies. Four degrees is bordering on a species ending hike. So much for the last naysayer. But, more importantly, I am three degrees to Bacon. Sizzle. My friend Vicki knew Kevin back in Philly (back Bacon joke omitted). So beat that Republicans! Thank you, sir, may I have a glacier?

“The Foxeteers call them Warmers. I call them Birthers with brains.”

—Mick Zano

In my same article It Might Not Happen Tomorrow so Keep Polluting, I begged the important question: how did Dennis Quaid, in Arctic conditions and with only tennis shoes strapped to his feet, walk from Philadelphia to NYC in about ten minutes to save his children? I don’t even think Republicans understand the implausibility, especially when one considers all of the tolls. Tollraker?

One point – Zano.

Energy Sustainability:

The GOP & Fox News’ position: Putting the words energy and sustainability together is meaningless to a Republican, much like the words scientific method, historical context, or evidence based. They feel we must continue to fund nuclear, coal, and big oil. That’s not a punch line. See China for how well that’s working out. Gas mask sold separately.

Okay, that’s really Japan, but you get the idea. I don’t care who loses their job, if you went into the coal industry in the last 15 years with a conscience or a clue, you should have already been job hunting.  Fox & Friends recently had a whole segment on solar energy and why it can only work in Germany. Their conclusion?

“…Because it’s so much sunnier there.”

Yes, the sun only shines in Germany. That’s not a joke, that’s a Fox News quote. Yes indeed, sunny old Stuttgart. Oh, those balmy beaches of Berlin, those blue skies of Babenhausen! Slate Mag covered their schitznick here. Meanwhile, cloudy-as-shit Germany is approaching 50% solar. Ah, those cloudless climbs of Crailsheim! Sorry, I have more but I’ll Rheinfrain. Ah, those rainless runs through Ratzeburg! I mean it this time… Maybe I can snap out of this by thinking of a Bond film. Der Man mit den Golden Schitzengruben? Sorry, my German’s rusty, but my Mel Brooks references remain as sharp as ever.

I think Bobby Jindal’s plea to “not be the dumb party” is going swimmingly. Hey, maybe they should try to evolve into the Silly Party. Talk about an upgrade!

Tarquin Fin- tim- lin- bin- whin- bim- lin- bus- stop- F’tang- F’tang- Olé-Biscuitbarrel was unavailable for comment

Oh, those crystal clear days in Düsseldorf! Sorry, miles away. Actually, I believe this part is calculated. This is your evil lobbyists at work. Of course, everything else they said during that Fox & Friends segment was stupid. Of course, if you corner a Foxeteer on the subject, they will all say in unison, “Traditional fuel sources are a bridge to get us from here to there.” Yeah, another bridge to no clouds Nowhereinstadt!

No points – GOP

Zano’s position: I agree with Fox News on this much: most attempts at going green have thus far sucked. Of course, the Right is rooting against green energy, which is another insightful move on their part. I know only this: the Right is wrong. How can it be otherwise? In the near future, a hundred miles of solar desert panels could supply 50% of our country’s demand. The technology exists today, but moving it to where it is needed will require some innovation. So flipping innovate already! Solyndra II anyone?

See the difference?

Liberal scandals = we need to try that again but succeed.

Republican scandals = let us never speak of that again…well, until the military tribunal. 

Whereas investing in the future and failing may be a “scandal”, not even understanding the importance to our planet and to our viability as a species is an F-ing crime.

If we want to have a future we will work diligently toward solar energy or something like it. Should we follow the Germans or the Christian Fundamentalists? Hmmm. Let me pray on it. Those warm Wednesdays in Waldfleigenbergen! Sorry. I made that town up…kind of like Fox does for their news segments. Sorry, but I spent some time in Germany and I think I saw the sun once.  

One point – Zano

The War on Drugs:

The GOP & Fox News’ position: Foxeteers intently want to keep throwing hundreds of millions of dollars each year towards this lost cause in the name of fiscal conservatism, aka, the usual. Even Mexico is begging us to stop singlehandedly keeping their drug cartels in business.

No points – GOP

Zano’s position: By every measure known to math-kind the “War on Drugs” is an abysmal failure. Hey, maybe that’s why the GOP has an affinity for it? I covered this recently during my interview with Cokie McGrath. Check it. The argument to keep waging this “war” through incompetence is growing thinner and thinner. Working in the field, I would guestimate 7 out of 10 addiction counselors believe most aspects of our War on Drugs have failed. We need to legalize marijuana, shift funds to education, and then tax the shit out of it. We can put an estimated half the cartels out of business overnight. I care about what 7 out of 10 addiction counselors think about this issue. I don’t care what 7 out of 10 Foxeteers think—er, unless I’m applying my do-the-flipping-opposite formula. Legalization, of pot at the very least, is inevitable. It’s only a question of how many lives we will ruin and how much money we will waste getting from here to there. Weed the People?…Bowlfinger?

One point – Zano

A UK summary:

“Since 2006, the Mexican government has undertaken a US-backed crackdown on drug cartels. Estimates suggest that around 60,000 people have been murdered, and the number of deaths is still rising. At the same time, in countries like Britain, we’re buying more and more of the drugs that flow through Mexico. Our prohibition approach has failed to stop drug use, and it puts money in the hands of narco-terrorists and international criminals. Despite 50 years of criminalization, illicit drugs are now the third most valuable industry in the world, after food and oil.”

—Julian Huppert, The Guardian

Or a UK-type blogger here:

“So we have a huge amount of money to cut and save. Why not start with re-classifying cannabis according to science not bigotry, and deploying police resources on actual crimes worthy of the name?”

—Andrew Sullivan

The War on Terror:

The GOP & Fox News’s position: This has been beat to death, like many at Guantanamo, badum-bum. Bush, for all of his expansions of executive power, SUCKED at actually getting the bad guys…oh, but he did destroy our Constitution real good.

No points – GOP

Zano: Obama’s approach worked on Al-Qaeda, but the biggest scandal of his tenor—actually, the only noteworthy one—is the current lack of checks and balance for our drone program. The other GOP scandals are nonsense. Proof? Boehner backs it and Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC), “applauds the President’s drone program!” These are men whose accomplishments wouldn’t fill a 16-font one page pamphlet. In fact, it would still be shorter than Jon Stewart’s: Famous Jewish Sports Legends.

And, sorry, the Muslim Awakening was inevitable. It doesn’t mean we’re rooting for it just because we won’t support bombing the shit out of every budding democracy or theocracy. There’s just no good solutions for such a large group of tribal/theocratic nut jobs. I’m talking about the Middle East this time, not the GOP. Most of the change over there is up to them. I realize that’s a true statement, yet completely meaningless to a Foxeteer.  Besides, we have much less power, credibility, and options post-Bush. We also don’t have a Justice Department post-Bush. I think the GOP finally took notice of this one. I warned them about this shit circa 2006. I’ll say it again, Alberto Gonzales made Eric Holder possible. Hey, but thanks for not listening. My old post here.

One point – Zano

Stay tuned next week when I continue to gut the GOP’s ideology like a fish. Same Blog time, same Blog channel.  Oh, those days sunbathing in sun shiny Saarbrücken! Sorry.

Picture Taken During Hamburg’s Rainy Season

Washington, DC—Nearly a dozen well-armed and unwashed men have gathered at a local pub in our capitol, demanding the President protect their 2^nd Amendment rights. This group is coming at things from a different angle. They believe very soon Americans will need, “All the weapons and Coors products they can get their hands on!”  This growing movement, calling themselves the Bath Salts Brigade, fears the Zombie Apocalypse is long overdue.

I caught up with their spokesman, William Lynn, and he had this to say, “All around the globe cannibalism is increasing and corpse sightings are on the rise. Pardon the pun. Obama can have my gun when he becomes a zombie and grabs it with his cold dead hands. With Z-Day just around the coroner, we need to be stocking up on weapons, not taking them away just because a few people are wasting kids. Hell, those will be a few less Zeds for us to kill later. Do the math!”

When I asked, “But aren’t zombies fictional?” Lynn punched me in the mouth and tried to break his beer bottle over my head. After being restrained, he yelled, “You’re walker bait! They’re already in Atlanta…try to make it to that farm!”

Another member of the cult, Freddie “Walker Waster” Wheeler, had this to say, “We just saw a zombie last night. He was leaving this bar and weaving all over the place. When we grabbed him, he puked all over me. It was just like that 28-Days thing…”

“The movie?” I asked, but he said, “No, the rehab I was in.”

Later, I contacted Michael D. Griffiths, author of Eternal Aftermath. He’s considered by many to be a resident expert on the pending Zombie Apocalypse.

“First off, guns are for wimps,” said Griffiths. “Any loser can pull a trigger. If you rely on guns alone, you’ll get cocky and soon the undead will be scooping out your brains and playing drunken soccer with your skulls!”

Apparently, they do that. It’s a little known zombie fun fact (ZFF).

Griffiths then said, “Real men wade into battle with a broad sword, because they don’t run out of bullets and chicks dig men with big swords. They don’t call them broad swords for nothing. While the gun lovers are racing around thinking they can shoot their way through a hundred walkers just to get another case of warm beer, I’ll be off in the woods with your girlfriends, eating crawdads, playing horseshoes, and smoking weed…building a Dionysian paradise.”

I asked, “You’re talking about a Discord contributor party, aren’t you?”

“Well,” he said, “We don’t call them that anymore. Those attract the local fuzz faster than the Ghetto Shaman in a school zone.”

I decided to bring the two men together to work out their differences and get to the brain of the matter. But before I could even outline the discussion, the men started arguing:

Lynn: I will be safe in my bunker, walker-bait!

Griffiths: What a blast, hope you brought a lot of post-apocalyptic porn (PAP).

Lynn: I have an anti-zombie vehicle that kicks ass and it has an ice chest for my Coors!

Griffiths:  Sounds great, well, until you run into the first road jammed with abandoned vehicles and that will take about two minutes. But then you can just start shooting and attract every zombie in a five mile radius. Still, I’m sure a man like you will be fine…as zombie food.

Lynn: I’m going to shove that sword up your…

Griffiths:  Have fun in your rolling metal coffin, zombie bait!

Things digressed from there, so I decided to interview a friend of the Discord’s, General Mitchum:

“Whether it is a fascist takeover, a Zombie Apocalypse, or a Justin Bieber concert reanimating an army of Twilight-loving pre-teens of doom (ATLPTD), there will always be a threat that gun-nuts think justifies their right to bear enough arms to equip a third world army. All we would need to do is leave a six-pack of Silver Bullet and a bag of pork rinds on their porch. This will also eliminate both werewolves and Jews.  Then, while they’re passed out, we rob’em blind. Yes, we will miss the beer, but it’s a worthy sacrifice!”

So is the threat of the dead starting to walk around with a taste for human flesh a justifiable reason to have firearms and keep blondes locked in your bunker? Only time will tell.

“Stop screaming, bitch! It puts the lotion on its skin or gets the hose!”

We are preparing for the upcoming outbreak in our own way and my personal choice is watching reruns of Scooby Doo, eating chicken wings, and doing huge bong hits, or as I call that, weekends. Just don’t call them Discord contributor parties, I think they started monitoring our social sites.