Collapsing Shack, AZ—Once upon a time companies and major corporations were only owned by humans, or their close cousins like The Discord staff. Not anymore. The Discord Tower has been purchased by the Crawdad Alliance. They plan to gut the structure and fill it with a murky swamp water, which according to staff, “Really shouldn’t be much different.”

Earlier today America’s Western Crawdad Warfront Against the Retarded Discord (A.W.C.W.A.R.D.) has purchased a controlling share of Discord stock, making their sinister plan not only possible but inevitable. A.W.C.W.A.R.D.’s spokesperson Kenny the Crawdad was available for comment. “It was surprising how cheap the stocks were going for. We were able to purchase 51% of the Discord stocks for an old dead catfish and half a bag of Cheetos. Now all we need to do is move in, fire those incompetent Discord writers, and start our reign of terror. I’d like to stuff those bastards into their own damn crawdad traps and force them to listen to Justin Beiber’s new hit “Yig is a Scaly Pig.”

The Discord’s Alex Bone said, “They forget that we’ve relocated our base of operations to Arizona where killing crawdads is not only legal but encouraged. Transporting crawdads is also illegal. So if they can’t reach us, they can’t fire us.”

In an unprecedented move, Bone, Zano, and Ballz destroyed all the company phones and computers. “No emails means no pink slip,” explained Zano, who has used such tactics successfully in the past. “No pink slip means another full day of napping, drinking coffee, and then leaving the office around 11.”

I asked Ballz how the Discord would be able to function without computers to produce their articles and he replied, “Bah Meh MEH!” and then stormed off, mumbling like a sailor.

Around noon, I hurried to call Zano back to the office. Against state regulations, hordes of the involved fungi known as the Migo were using the Fort Lowell Observatory as a launching point to send thousands of quivering crawdads toward the Flagstaff Discord Tower in attempt to claim their prize. The police were called, but were forced to stand down.

Captain John Mitchum explained, “You see, it’s against Arizona law to transport live crawdads, but these here crawdads are all dead zombie-like things and, thankfully, still delicious.”

Quickly realizing there is no law against killing undead crawfish, I hurried to crush the small invertebrates into a stagnant mash. It took forever. I was almost late for beer-thirty, but I obliterated the undead invertebrate threat. Did you see Pacific Rim yet? It was kind of like that but we didn’t have any tech and our enemy was small dead crawdads instead of colossal inter-dimensional monsters. Other than that, it was exactly like it.

Meanwhile, we’re trying to syphon all the water out of Discord Tower but the whole place still smells like shit. So we’re all currently camping out in Cokie McGrath’s living room and using her laptop—the one she needs for college papers and posts—to write this update. She’ll be fine. She can start her twenty page term paper, that’s due tomorrow, after we finish these Mother Road ales and look up the new dolphin swimsuit issue in Blow-Hole Magazine.

Hey, Cokie? The growler is empty again, do you mind?

We know moderate republicans are all but extinct, but are we ethically compelled to use genetic engineering to bring them back from the abyss? I am denying allegations I stole David Frum’s comb for the purpose of creating an army of thinking republicans. That’s ludacris. Oh, and I did steal his comb, but only because I’m a huge fan.

Notice how the GOP—especially the AM radioers, Foxeteers and Drudgers of the world—don’t ever want to talk about what happened six months ago? Generally, this occurs because facts eventually emerge—facts that prove difficult to incorporate into their false narrative. So for them it’s better to MoveOn.org.

As I’ve mentioned, the GOP side of the media seems almost completely devoid of retractions. This affords them an incredible advantage over the rest of us. Without worrying about the past, they can blow new issues out of proportion or misconstrue other important items. I call this being forever misguided in the moment a Zen wrongness. Meanwhile a joke news bloggerist, such as myself, is still compelled to do retractions. Seems fair…well, in their defense, retractions wouldn’t leave them much time for anything else.

Granted some shit doesn’t go away in six months, speaking of which I should I probably hit that walk-in clinic. The IRS “scandal”, for example, will be around until my next audit, despite the fact it’s been debunked. Last week a Fox headline read: “Did Justice Department Ignore IRS abuses?” To the Foxeteers “debunked” is immediately translated through their coveted bullshitatron as “scandal widens”. How about something more accurate like Bullshit Deepens? Or Probe Widens Because We Haven’t Found Anything Yet, or Wait! There’s Still Someone in Cleveland We Haven’t Questioned About This!

I read this recent Fox coverage of the IRS “scandal”, but I’m not linking back to it. Why bother? Here’s what we know: the IRS is always going to target groups claiming to be non-profit. They have operated like assholes since their inception, but in this case they acted within the law. You want proof? Check out their mission statement:

The IRS: Total assholes since 1862

And they will continue to be assholes until Governor Rick Perry becomes president. Then, in a rare moment of lucidity, I predict he will remember how the IRS was that third government program he wanted to scrap back in the 2011 Primaries.

Look, no matter how many rocks you overturn, there is no direct or indirect connection to the White House. I actually don’t mind investigations. We should hold every administration accountable. That’s not the problem. If you find something worth telling us, by all means, tell us. But I do take exception to the whole, well, we didn’t find anything so instead of a retraction let’s make more shit up approach.

You can always ask one more question, right? Instead of admitting we jumped the shark let’s run: Did Obama Collude with Elvis to Hide Secret IRS Correspondence in Roswell?

Fabrication Station Dysfunction junction, what’s their function?

This “keeping scandals on life support” approach all hinges on an ability to keep their base away from actual facts. They’re already angry and misinformed, so it’s actually not that hard of a trick. Pieces of the puzzle that don’t fit into their false narrative simply fall away into something I like to call reality. It’s like a political game of hide and don’t seek, or the TwiRight Zone as I call it. Sure reanimating scandals beyond their shelf life is working on the naïve, but let’s face it republicans have already captured the naïve vote.

This is another testament to the GOP’s unwillingness to pull the F-ing plug on something. They know the attention span of America is such that if we keep this going long enough we won’t have to do a retraction, aka, let’s keep this story going until we hatch bullshit scandal X.

The IRS scandal will never come off their scandal list, because they are collecting them. They want a list to match Bush’s and who cares if they don’t make sense. I wince every time the GOP says “this is far from over.” This translates as:

“We haven’t found anything yet, but that’s not going to discourage us.”

—John Q. Republican

I like and respect Josh Greene and he says the IRS scandal is in the rigor Morris stage, here (sorry, Dick). I like and respect Andrew Sullivan over on The Dish and he agrees this scandal is another Rep herring, here. And since Bob Cesca asserts here how the whole scandal has officially “gone down in flames”, why won’t Fox News stop talking about it?

I believe I’ve already explained that. Aren’t you people paying attention? But, hey, if you won’t do any retractions, peeps, I will:

“Sorry we called you a liar Mr. President. We spend way too much time extrapolating to the point of absurdity.”

—Peggy Noonan & Darryl Issa

There are signs of life, however. A recent Quinnipiac poll found (as per Chuck Todd) that:

“49% of Republican respondents say that congressional GOP leaders are doing too little to work with Obama on big issues.”

This is compared to only 22% of Democrats who say the president is doing too little. Who are these sane republicans? Why are they hiding? Of course, a while back Laura Ingraham drew the exact opposite conclusion in her article: Why Moderate Republicans Are Killing The Party. Let’s take a moment to reflect on Ingraham and where she has proven right about something in the past:

Well, there you have it—an impressive list for sure.  Moderate republicans need to emerge if this group has any chance of returning to power. Oh wait, I almost forgot…I don’t care anymore. As long as the GOP remains out of power our country stands a chance.

Here’s a like-minded gent from the New Yorker:

“More and more, it’s looking like it will take Hillary Clinton, or another Democrat, succeeding Barack Obama in the White House to bring about real changes in the G.O.P. To put it another way, the great G.O.P. freak show still has a ways to run. From the point of view of the cynical heckler in the cheap seats, that’s just dandy: extremism and nuttiness makes good copy, and it keeps the Republicans out of the White House. The problem is that, diverting as it is, the show is paralyzing the government and doing great damage to the country.“

—John Cassidy

Someone recently made the analogy how the GOP always jams a stick in the spokes of our government and then complains the bicycle is broken. That’s exactly what they are doing. I just found this article in the New York Times which, again, echoes many of my themes: Has The GOP Gone Off The Deep End? Wish I had since this before I started this post. My favorite line:

“There is a striking correlation between the rise of conservative talk radio and the difficulties of the Republican Party in presidential elections.”

—Thomas Edsall

This article is a must read…er, even though you already heard that point here first. What’s nice is Edsall’s feature uses primarily republican accounts of their own party’s imminent demise. Meanwhile, Nate Silvers thinks the GOP has a shot at the Senate for the midterms. I’m afraid the guru is wrong on this one. Never underestimate republican incompetence. I think losing the 2016 presidential election is the best case scenario for the GOP. They are likely to stay out of power much longer. They aren’t a group known for their ability to adapt…or to process information…or to understands stuff…or to course correct…or, frankly, to walk and chew gum.

“They’re about sharp as a sack of wet mice.”

—Foghorn Leghorn

Yes, some of this is wishful thinking, because if a moderate version of republicanism were to form in the near future all bets are off. Despite their disgusting display in recent years, the GOP is still hanging around with a fair share of voter support. A tack toward the center could send them sailing and, at this point, this is not a ship I ever want to see christened again—unless, of course, I have a full bladder.