News & Politics

News & Politics

Ted Cruz’s Top 10 Role Models

1. That guy who flew his plane into IRS headquarters.

2. That woman who drove her car into the White House barrier.

3. That guy who voted for The Surge in Iran (he meant Iraq, God love him).

4. Senator Joseph McCarthy (kidding, he doesn’t know who that is).

5. Dumb of Dumb and Dumber (he hates the really dumb one, hates him!)

6. The CEO of BP during the gulf oil spill.

7. Jerry Sandusky (before the scandal).

8. Gandhi, no wait Ted Bundy, no wait the guy from Married with Children.

9. Jesus (minus all that hippy shit he said).

10. Frank Burns (the Larry Linville and the Robert Duvall version). And he doesn’t eat worms, he doesn’t!

Johnny, Rosin up Your Bullshit: the Charlie Daniels Effect

Mick Zano

So this rightwing propagandist is making videos of ill-informed Obama supporters and then calling their stupidity: The Obama Effect. I tend to make more of a dent focusing on republican congressman and senators who actually say shit, out loud, about important issues, aka Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel need not apply.

Check out these Paul Joseph Watson videos here. Look, no one is arguing people are misinformed, across our nation, across political parties, across cultures, across dressing. My point has always been, I don’t need to do an In Search Of episode to look for idiots on the right. The trick is finding those last few insightful ones.

Or:

George Carlin

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

—George Carlin

It’s also an interesting tactic to call the guy who’s still trying to fund education the cause of said lack of knowledge. That’s called “spin”—spelled wrong, of course. Look, if you go to an Occupy or a Tea Party rally there are plenty of dumb signs, misspelled badly, but in their defense there’s no grammar check option on cardboard or sheets.

Bad Signs

Meanwhile, conservatives are reduced to scouring the world for people dumber than they are, which, admittedly, does sound arduous.

“This guy’s even dumber than us! Get him on camera, quick!!”

—John Q. Republican

It’s a fairly meaningless approach…wait, “fairly” is above average for the GOP…proceed, Governor. I rarely go there but when I do it’s strictly in the name of comedy.  I usually direct my ire toward republican leaders. Umm, until this one pissed me off.

So a hearty Pythonesque Have at You!!!!

Charlie Daniels

“You people are some of the most disgusting examples of a waste of protoplasm I’ve ever had the displeasure to hear about.”

—Charlie Daniels, on those opposed to the Iraq War.

Here’s the same thoughtful and insightful man a few weeks ago on Syria:

Charlie Daniels

“I have never seen an American president so confused, befuddled, impotent, and insincere, and out of his depths as Barack Obama on this Syria issue.”

—Charlie Daniels

Iraq:

Four thousand dead Americans and upwards of a million dead Iraqis and I never once, not once, heard anyone apologize. Oh, but here’s a top Bush advisor’s comment this week: we invaded Iraq, because we were looking for somebody’s ass to kick. I believe that was my theory circa 2002. Now I feel like such a waste of protoplasm.

Syria:

Russia, the U.S., the U.N., etc, are all very pleased with the disarmament proceedings with Syria (thus far). Of course, you heard it here first.

In other words, 0 for 2, Mr. Daniels. Why do republicans keep commenting on stuff? You know when I was a young idealistic blogger, I thought we should bomb the Mormons because of the Death Ray I was sure they were assembling deep under their Salt Lake City Tabernacle.  At the time, I believed they were hiding some of the key components on the Planet Kolab, here. (That’s not a real link, I’m just seeing if you’re paying attention.) But one day the truth became apparent, so I stopped offering my opinion on the subject. I even decided against my sequel to Mick Zano: The Mormon Death Ray Question. (That’s not a real link either.)

But, wait…having said that, the Mormon Church has been attempting to acquire beryllium rods which could be used in conjunction with a particle accelerator to create a Death Ray…is all I’m saying.

Let it go, Zano. Breathe, breathe…F*&^ing Mormons. Breathe…

I don’t usually cite entertainer types like Charlie Daniels, but, let’s face it, he’s about as insightful as the rest of ‘em. Whereas my views, as a reluctant liberal, tend to be quite different from the O’Donnell’s or the Garofalo’s of the world, it’s really not the case on the right.  Far too many Foxeteers have gone the full Fox and Friends (FFF). I have plenty of criticism for MSNBC but they’re propagandic beginners compared to Fox.  The GOP is of one mind, or The Special Ed Borg as I call them. Don’t believe me? Just another Zanoesque over-the-top statement? Here’s proof:

“The average republican is now so far right that they’re only allowed one at a time on the observation deck of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.”

—Mick Zano

Oh, you wanted real proof. Okay, here.

Isn’t it time the GOP dumped Charlie Daniels as their Secretary of Stupid? Isn’t it time they went with someone more in tune with the direction of The GOP? Like Billy Ray Cyrus?

Dear Charlie,

The devil went down to grade school and he got his GED.  You lose.

Sincerely,

Mick Zano

You know what liberals tend to do? They tend to stop quoting people who get shit wrong.

Dear GOP,

You can’t make up your own reality and then expect to debate the details. If you want to discuss Marvin the Martian-style politics as it relates to spending on the Planet Kolab at least supply me with some choice peyote or psilocybin.

Sincerely,

The unicorn flying over your head

Why do people on the Right keep saying shit like?

“This guy’s never gotten anything right, I’m curious what he has to say about this topic.”

—John Q Republican

The group-think of the GOP is clearly responsible for this phenomenon as well as most of our nation’s woes. I think it’s difficult for the GOP to identify the terminally wrong. Life in the bubble is a scary place.  It’s like if you and your family stop showering—which we tried recently to save money on toiletries—you may not notice the stench but others certainly will. Boy, did we find out.

Typically throughout history, the people who totally F-up issues tend to disappear into obscurity (see: Neville Chamberlain). This function is apparently no longer working on the right. This is also called the Dick Morris effect, or the Dick Cheney effect, or the…well, just insert some far right dick, here.

Pardon the pud.

Obamacare.com Lacks Geek Squad Support

Obamacare.com Lacks Geek Squad Support

Washington, DC—The White House is back-peddling after news broke that the official Affordable Care Act website does not come with Geek Squad protection. It looks like the taxpayers may now be responsible for the extra tech-support. This latest blow to the ACA’s rollout is already being considered a “major oversight” by Washington insiders.

Speaker John Boehner is furious. “Americans are now being asked to shoulder thousands of extra dollars, per hour, just to keep this job-killing-atrocity limping along.” Boehner wanted desperately to add the associated lousy acronym joke (ALAJ) but could not figure it out.

“We did miss the thirty day window to add tech-support cheaply to the ACA,” admitted Obama, “but the patriotic members of Geek Squad have already agreed to work for the AAA rate, which could save the American taxpayer untold gazillions. Now that we paid more, just think of the extra Reward Zone points each American is eligible for over at Best Buy.”

“It’s untold because Obama won’t tell us!” said Boehner. “God forbid our AAA status gets downgraded to AA, we will have to attend those meetings every night without any guarantee of drinkable coffee.”

AM radio Republicans are calling this the worst thing to happen to America since the day The Pentagon forgot to update its antivirus protection.

Our Country Started With a Tea Party and Will Likely End by One

Mick Zano

Full circle jerk. Regardless of these final negotiations Obama needs to enact an executive order to pay our bills, now. Playtime is over. He’ll be impeached, of course, but who cares? We need to avoid the collapse of the U.S. dollar as the world standard at all cost, pardon the pun. Oh, and don’t worry, the impeachment process has already been marginalized—or, as I call it, the Full Lewinsky.

An Obamaesque Executive Imperial Decree Thingie in the final hour was how I predicted things would go down (even before we had a shutdown). We are running out of time and the invention of the TARDIS is eons off. Trust me, I keep checking all the relevant sci fi websites. Okay, the TARDIS is thousands of years old, but let’s not confuse the GOP further.

I am not as confident as Reid or Boehner that a deal is close. They’re idiots. And, again, even if we survive this nonsense, it never should have gotten this far in the first place. And more bullshit hurdles await us, courtesy of our patriotic assassins. Over the years, I have urged moderate Muslims to reel in their more fanatical brothers. I have also asked for moderate republicans to do likewise with their Tea Party brethren, but one look at Ted Cruz and I think there’s more hope for the Middle East.

Dear Tea Party,

Pssst. I wanted you to end the Republican Party, not the global economy.

Sincerely,

Reality

P.S. But I love your silly hats. Oh, and did you know tea bagging is a metaphor?

Last week over on NPR George Will said this is simply “democracy in action.” He is no fool, so one can only conclude he is a liar. This is the death throes of a democracy. What a sellout, or:

“The day George Will became a Fox News contributor The GOP collectively lost an IQ point and, frankly, they can’t afford that.”

—Mick Zano

The GOP started out in 2013 with a handful of insightful peeps but their numbers are dropping faster than a Value Jet in a cloudburst. Meanwhile, the New York Times is rightly scoffing at the inane list of shutdown demands:

“The absurdity of the list shows just how important it is that Mr. Obama ignore every demand and force the House extremists to decide whether they really want to be responsible for an economic catastrophe. He made a mistake by negotiating in 2011, hoping to reach a grand bargain; that produced the corrosive sequester cuts.”

The list of republican demands are unhinged. They believe they can dictate everything to the majority. Wasn’t it bad enough when they ran shit? Sullivan is stunned:

“Elections do not matter. Only their agenda matters. No compromise is possible, even when this kind of catastrophic default is hanging over our heads. In fact, the danger of catastrophic default is something they relish in order to undo the basic principles of democratic government.”

Andrew Sullivan

Here’s Chait channeling some Zano angst:

“The hard right’s extremism has bent back upon itself, leaving an inscrutable void of paranoia and formless rage, twisting the Republican Party into a band of anarchists. And the worst is not behind us.”

Jonathon Chait

I think it’s too late. Republicans have gerrymandered themselves into relevance for many elections to come, regardless of their popularity or their tactics. The GOP is run by anarchists in the guise of patriots totally under the control of big business. In fact, Koncal over at the Washington Post sees no light between the Tea Party demands and Wall Street interests.

“The key question is how to best create rules for the financial system so that it works better for the economy as a whole, a process that will necessarily create winners and losers. Perhaps it is just a coincidence that Tea Party anger over the idea of a federal, regulatory state just happens to overlap with the interests of Wall Street. Perhaps. But I see no reason people should take comfort in that.”

—Mike Koncal

Imagine that? More shit I’ve been talking about coming to screwition. Hell, the Foxeteers haven’t had an independent thought in their miserable little Facebook MeetUp lives. They are walking talking points.

Which reminds me:

We don’t do rebuttals here at the Discord, for good reason. Debating a Foxeteer, any Foxeteer, is akin to dropping acid with Somalia pirates during a Walking Dead marathon. I did that once, but NEVER AGAIN! I prefer to burn incense and think about butterflies and glitter. We live in two different political realities now, and never the Twain shall meet. Mark my word (Huckleberry Finn joke omitted by the editor).

I have found that when people in a position of power act and then explain said actions, that’s important. They may well constitute the only facts in this sad political climate in which we find ourselves. A republican’s interpretation of the same event? Pointless.

I was on a crusade to end the Republican Party as we know it, but the bastards beat me to it. In 2009 I asked the GOP to evolve or die. They have obviously chosen extinction, which would be fine if they didn’t intend to bring the rest of us down with them. Oh, and do away with that debt limit. It’s a formality turned into a hostage situation.  Yglesias’ take here. I think global economic disaster is still a fifty/fifty proposition, which is incredible as it is entirely self-inflicted.

Here’s a great summary to wrap things up:

“What, then, can I add about the latest twist in the pending government shutdown? How many different ways are there to say that the Tea Party Republicans are both crazy and stupid? How often can you point out that John Boehner is pathetically weak, quite possibly the most ineffectual Speaker in the history of the House of Representatives? How many times can you remind people of all the awful things that would happen if the government shuts down and/or we don’t raise the debt ceiling? How many times can you scream at Republicans that they are never, ever, ever going to repeal the Affordable Care Act so they should just give it the hell up already? How many times can you cry that this would be an insane way to run a junior-high student council, much less the government of the mightiest nation on earth?”

Paul Waldman

I said this quote would wrap things up…so why are you still here? Oh, as long as you are, check out my feature on the top 25 republicans.

Amidst Shutdown Washington Monument Sold to Chinese

Amidst Shutdown Washington Monument Sold to Chinese

Washington, DC—In a quiet backdoor deal, the U.S. Government has sold the Washington Monument to the Chinese for what President Obama is calling “a shitload of loan forgiveness.” It is hoped this move will really help the U.S.’s long term deficits and by that Obama added “not much.”

Republicans are criticizing Obama’s choice to sell off historic landmarks as Speaker John Boehner is calling the move, “Operation Hock and Pawn.”

In related news, our national parks will open soon but they will also be under Chinese control. President Obama is putting as positive of a spin as he can on this event. “The transition should be seamless,” said Obama. “Yearly national park passes are actually expected to drop under China’s management, well…umm, with the mandatory implanting of the required monitoring chip and DNA sample.”

Libertarians are having a field day with this required monitoring chip. No, literally, they are all signing up and then playing field games wherein they can track one another’s whereabouts and progress. Yes, our current libertarians are idiots but our parks are open!

Umm, We Don’t Do Rebuttals Anymore, Crank

The Crank

Zano, Zano, Zano….I have attempted to avoid your political posts and your political views as they suffer from what one might call, Major Bullshit Disorder recurrent. See, I have a DSM-V too. But, really, Mikko why doth thee blog? Why? There’s so much more productive things you could be doing with your time, like American Idol marathons.

Let’s go through the last dreamland you inserted into the website mainly because there is really no one to stop you:

1. The GOP’s aversion to all green energies and an undying devotion to coal, nuclear and oil

Put money into research, not private companies owned by a fucking brother-in-law. When it becomes economically viable, it will sell well. If you truly want to clean up the environment, you would concentrate your efforts in India and China (cough-cough). Remember, for every coal fired power plant you close here, five open a week in China. Then 500 workers are jobless because of the green meanies. China had to put up a 100-foot long panoramic picture of the skyline for tourists to take pictures, because the skyline is now totally enveloped in smog.

Regulations should be equal to be effective. We and Europe are way ahead of the rest of the world. They need to play catch-up. The planet gets warmer, we get broker, while Greenies get dumber. Let’s make the transmission lines far better conductors, thus allowing you to put your hemp power plants. The problem is not the internal combustion engine, it is the fuel it uses, so find a better fuel. Now. Thus far gasoline is the singular most efficient fuel ever known to man. Though the bullshit in one of your posts could probably power a Belgium or a Liechtenstein for years.

2. Less unions:

When I started in the New York Supermarket business many years ago, Unions were much needed, mainly to keep us lowly workers from being tossed into the garbage crusher when we pissed off the short bosses with the big heels. They eventually morphed into a mob led killer of businesses. If they had stayed in that role of protection and equalization and fairness of pay, they would be prospering today. I wish they had, because we could use that right now, unfortunately, the unions are wholly responsible for their own demise. I said, the unions are wholly responsible for their own demise. Can you hear me now? World competition is a reality (reality: something progressives have no understanding, like the term ‘human nature’). The world gets smaller each day, and protectionism has also never worked, so deal…

3. Right to Work States:

(See # 2)

4. The Patriot Act (2001)

Yeah, well, you got me on that one.

5. The invasion and occupation of the wrong country (2003).

Ok, that’s two.

6. The global economic collapse (2008)

You mean the one that was the direct result of Progressive leaders in the Clinton administration forcing banks to give loans to any warm body that could hold a pen. An X will be fine, Mr. Meth McDetoxing. My neighbors who lost their homes, not because of evil Republicans, but because they had no business buying a five bedroom two-story when a large refrigerator box was all they could afford. You mean the one where Wall Street decided to group together these worthless mortgages and sell them as investments? You mean the one the W, and the world’s oldest legislator (McCain) actually tried to stop when a certain fat toothless legislator (pretty please do not censor) who was supposed to be in charge of watching out for our interests said all is well, nothing to worry about, knowing full well his significant other was in charge of the leading governmental backer of mortgages Come on Mikko, you know this! Is the big Al making appearances in your head while you sleep? Standing REM only?

7. The decrease in the U.S.’s credit rating (Aug 2011)

The decrease had nothing to do with 17 trillion in debt, it was all the fault of the only people in the country worrying about it. Really? That’s your argument? Jeez Bwahaha. When we were downgraded, the ruling body actually stated in its report that the administrations lack of a plan to pay down its debt was why it happened. Please watch something other than MSDNC.

8. Stopping the Fed from reducing the amount of U.S. bonds they purchase each month (Aug 2013)

Now you’re just makin’ shit up! The Fed rules this, the Administration rules the Fed, Wall Street rules all the administrations. Ergo, clusterfuck. More than enough dumb to go around. None of us (lowly citizens) are a big fan of money printing to start with. I am a firm believer in auditing the Fed. Put a little ammonia on a paper towel and inhale (repeat).

9. The government shutdown and subsequent economic collapse (Oct. 2013)

So let’s see. The republicans do something stupid, so that means I, the President, can also do something stupid in return. “I will not negotiate.” He would be the only one ever. Each President who encountered a shutdown negotiated. It’s called compromise, you know, what Democracy is all about? I know that term is absent from the “Cooking with Saul Alinsky” cookbook, but here is how it works. If your side wins all, fully half the country loses all. That would not be a Democratic Republic. Even though you are convinced of your intellectual superiority, in this case it really doesn’t matter. If you disagree, that doesn’t mean you must win. I know it’s hard, but you will learn the term ‘compromise’. Tip and Reagan knew it. Clinton and his fully Republican congress knew it. LBJ and the republicans in his congress knew it. All of those combinations of people were responsible for some of the greatest legislation we know.

The Unaffordable Healthcare act. I think that this putrid piece of legislation will go down under its own weight, no unfunding necessary. Plus, you really can’t ‘unfund’ it. The government’s own GAO office has said that even if it works, in ten years the same 30+million people will still have no healthcare, and we will be trillions more in debt, and the care will suck. You can’t force doctors to go to work when it more profitable for them to play golf.

The “gutting’ of the food stamp program. You mean lessening the increase in their allotment of money by 2% which increased over 40% in the last 5 years? That gutting? I have said before “THERE ARE NO ‘CUTS’ IN ANYTHING. EVER. IT’S ALLWAYS A LESSENING OF THE INCREASE. It’s how Washington rolls.

Fox lies, Foxeteers. Teabaggers. Losing the argument terms Libs use to appear knowledgeable when they have nothing. The main stream media is catching up, and the web is full of stories that may have started with Fox, but now have legs of their own mainly because the media is finally aware it has been bullshitted so much they float in it. They are now realizing shit does in fact stink. It was a CNN interview with Harry Reid in which he stated he cares not for Children with cancer if it means losing a political argument. He even got testy with the interviewer as he was surprised the media would actually ask him a real question.

And finally, Syria. Yes, let’s believe that Russia and the UN will really actually oversee the removal of chemical weapons from Syria. Oh, they will all right, out of Syria, right to Iran, Hamas and Hezbolla, and that Al Qaeda fellow. Like that Journey song, don’t stop believing, Mikko. The world laughs at us, and Israel just had a thermofuckingnuclear case of the runs.

The Republicans are probably going to self-destruct, and that’s probably a good thing, for the outcome will be a third party that can actually win. We may be F-ed, but we still got a few rubbers left in the old vending machine. But, hey, I’m out of quarters…

Looking up from the valley to the real 1%.

Crank

Nerd Uprising! Shutdown Closes Comic-Con

Nerd Uprising! Shutdown Closes Comic-Con

New York, NY—In order to increase the pain on all things nerd, Barack Hussein Obama closed all Comic-Con events until the republicans quote, “bend over and take that shit.”  This news has caused carnage outside of the next hosting facility, the Javits Center, in downtown Manhattan.  An unnamed employee said, “We haven’t seen anything like this since George Takei cancelled an appearance for a Start Trek Convention back in ‘08.”

A nearby Quality Inn was the scene of widespread panic and despair as throngs of superheroes and villains alike wept uncontrollably.  A Tardis was hurled from a third floor balcony in anger, luckily it was only made of cardboard. Later that evening gangs of Siths, X-Men, and several Green Lanterns took to the streets and were later mugged.

One gentleman dressed in a Groo costume said, “They must take me for the fool that I am!” before he was crushed by a second falling Tardis.

Missing Toddler Found Anchoring on Fox News

Missing Toddler Found Anchoring on Fox News

New York, NY—Three-year-old Tyler Stanton went missing for over two months. His frantic parents finally watched his show yesterday evening on Fox News. “We were so relieved he was alive,” said his father, Bob Stanton. The Stantons do have mixed feelings about their son’s recent activities. “We’re happy with his ratings,” said his mother, Tia, “but really upset he’s promoting a right wing agenda. We hope it’s just a phase he’s going through.”

“Our ratings didn’t dip at all,” said Fox News’s CEO, Rupert Murdoch. “The little tyke took over the 7PM slot quit seamlessly. He was much lower maintenance than most of my anchors. Look, we’ve already made a substantial donation to the people over at Labor and Industry, so I think this matter should be considered dropped.”

One viewer added, “I loved him. I never saw tantrums like that, even after the election. I figured he really hated Obama like no one’s business. I’m still hoping he’ll show back up on MyCrib, Facebook Jr., or The House of Representatives.”

Polarization Nation: Thanks for Ending Our Democracy

Mick Zano

I have never actually thanked the republicans for the reverse insight they have given me over the years. This might sound like a backhanded compliment…oh wait, it is. But I do finally have proof of my insane claims! There are hordes of zombie greaseweasels living in the apartment across the street! Umm, okay, not that claim.

Sorry I’ve been bogarting the feature column lately but I have a lot to say amidst our nation’s impending demise. First off, what the chart below shows is the ideological drift within the House of Reprehensibles.

Congressional Polarization

It shows a relatively flat line regarding liberal ideology since 1879 (that’s not a typo, 1879). Since 1981, however, the GOP has plotted a course directly to a land where you never have to grow up. It’s called Never Ever Right…

I don’t agree with fairies, I don’t, I don’t!

That chart, courtesy of voteviewblog, is astounding. This is precisely why I have been calling this trend the story within the story of our time. Of course the GOP has a similar chart to disprove my claims, but I can’t read crayon. Republicans believe that in recent years liberals have gone completely Oprah the Rain-View. This chart, and just about every political blog I have ever posted, suggests otherwise. Umm, you’re first hint was when I started that sentence with ‘republicans believe’. Works every time. 

My main thesis remains:

We don’t have a spending problem, an immigration problem, a nuclear proliferation problem, a climate change problem, we have a republican problem. I make this over-the-top statement only because through the GOP’s mile-thick ideological filter (MTIF) none of these other issues are solvable, or even debatable.  Climate change? Not happening. Immigration? Let’s build a giant wall. Government? Shut it all down, etc. It would be comical if it weren’t true. The punch line of all of this, if there is one, is that Muslim’s will likely never implement Sharia Law in the U.S., but, on their current trajectory, the GOP eventually just might.

Here’s the Washington Post’s take away:

“Republicans in Congress continued to grow more ideological over the first eight months of 2013 while Democrats’ partisanship remained relatively steady. That’s in keeping with a long-term polarization trend in the House that began in the early 1980s. Since that time, both parties have grown increasingly more polarized in their votes, but Republicans’ polarization numbers have moved up further — and faster — than Democrats.”

Chris Cillizza

It’s not just the move to the right that’s so troubling, it’s the move to the wrong. Some evil geniuses may be behind this trend, but their foot soldiers make pro-football players on crack seem stable. And who exactly is guiding a huge swath of our society toward disaster? Who benefits from a global economic collapse? Or have the monkeys taken over the zoo? Are they beyond anyone’s control now? You get the sense those in charge of nearly half our country’s political views are sitting around somewhere going…

Liberal version:

Let’s try this shit.

Are you nuts, man?!

Think of the loot we stand to rake in! Besides, what hasn’t worked?

Good point, dude. You rock!

GOP/evil genius version:

This is totally implementable.

With all due respect (adjusts glasses), it’s outrageous hyperbole.

We own AM radio, Fox News, and Drudge. Think about every other news cycle we’ve run, EVER. If nothing else think of our stock options.

You are diabolical beyond your assets, sir.

Never forget that, Smithers.

And certainly some of the increase in the liberal ideology is a reaction to this nonsense, count me for one. Has there been any measurable advantage to the recent extremism of the GOP? I can’t think of anything. Meanwhile, here is the damage report:

1. The GOP’s aversion to all green energies and an undying devotion to coal, nuclear and oil

…you know, the people who subsidize their political views.

2. Less unions.

Thanks.

3. Right to Work States.

This is a great incentive for a business to move into your state…er, until all fifty states are Right to Work. Didn’t think that far ahead, did ya?

4. The Patriot Act (2001).

This legislation is a directly linked to every real Obama scandal as well as the gross expansion of executive power from which we may never recover, aka the stuff Bush did that you want to impeach Obama for.

5. The invasion and occupation of the wrong country (2003).

Did I mention Iraq is descending into a civil war now and are an obstacle to cutting a deal with Syria? Strong work.

6. The global economic collapse (2008).

Thanks W.

7. The decrease in the U.S.’s credit rating (Aug 2011).

Thanks Tea Party! I say this only because those who downgraded us said why they did. Imagine that.

8. Stopping the Fed from reducing the amount of U.S. bonds they purchase each month (Aug 2013).

Again, this time the Fed cited, “government dysfunction.” Without the GOP the spigot would be slowed.

9. The government shutdown and subsequent economic collapse (Oct. 2013).

Fallout pending.

These actually happened or are happening. They’re in the history books. Hasn’t fiscal conservatism cost us enough? Oh, and here’s a similar list of atrocities on the Left:

1. Chicago sucks

…and Obama’s from Chicago.

2. Kenya sucks

…and Obama’s from Kenya.

3. Benghazi

Four Americans Still Dead in Libya (FASLD*)

*Sorry, republicans haven’t mastered acronyms yet.

Over the last twenty years the only time someone in my family—or anyone I know for that matter—actually lost money, or rights, or jobs, or freedoms was due to a republican decision, law, or stunt so WTFU (wake the F-up!).  On the other hand, Kenya does suck. That’s the last time I shop at that mall.

Oh wait, never mind, I did receive a 250 dollar check from Bush once…you know, during his let’s-lower-taxes-during-two-unnecessary-land-wars-maneuver (LLTDTULWM). I would like to send that money back to him with a limerick or two. There once was a douche from West Crawford? Do you have any idea how much that pittance cost us in the long term? Of course you don’t, you’re republicans.

In the grand scheme of things, we know very little about our complex world, our economy, our climate, or any of the other mind numbing issues facing our country. But usually there’s one thing we have figured out; there’s one course of action that history strongly suggests we avoid, so invariably that’s what the GOP advocates.

In my recent Syria feature I said I don’t know what’s going to come from talks with Iran or Syria, but I know what doesn’t work, namely, a land war in a nearby unrelated country, aka the Republican Model.

So, again, I would like to take the time to thank them. If I’m not sure which policy is clearly wrong, they have been like a bright star in the night sky. While perusing the net and pondering this or that, I will often look up at said star and then turn that F-ing ship around.

Foxeteers seem the least capable of comprehending any given problem, yet they remain the most certain of the solution. They all parrot the same ridiculous premise as transmitted though their echo chamber of the absurd and, voila, a government shutdown. The Onion nailed it this week:

Man Who Understands 8% Of Obamacare Vigorously Defends It From Man Who Understands 5%.

That captures the essence of this entire healthcare debate. Obamacare is an unknown. The results of a republican caused government shutdown is known. It could be catastrophic. Obamacare might be bureaucratic. Oh the horror! Let’s destroy the world instead, quickly! Republicans will always choose the greater of two evils. Hey, let’s project all of our imaginary fears onto this healthcare expansion that we don’t quite understand. Or, my spoof here.

Dear Mr. Obama,

No negotiating with Teabaggerists!  If this country ends, let it go down as a democracy.

Sincerely,

Mick Zano

P.S. That’s not anthrax on the letter, sir, I baked you a sugar cake. Don’t tell Michelle.

Delusional folks need to be treated as such, with anti-psychotic medications. Perhaps we can start by adding Risperdal to the square states’ water systems. Kidding! Fixed delusions can’t be treated with medications, let’s just build that wall.

“That one in the spotlight, he don’t look right to me! Get him up against the Wall.”

—Pink Floyd

Would a global collapse be worth it if it permanently takes down the batshit base of Republican Party? No, and reforming these dolts seems impossible. These people aren’t going anywhere.  It’s too late. This country is F-d. No matter what havoc the GOP causes, it’s not like they’re ever going to understand the consequences of their actions.

“Sure we didn’t follow the laws of the land, but why didn’t Obama listen?”

—John Q. Republican

Take, for instance, when republicans recently gutted our food stamp program. Many of the impoverished will simply increase their drug sales, or theft, or find some other illegal activity to stay afloat. They don’t just starve and die quietly, aka the republican model. This is the same thing. What would republican reform look like? More Ted Cruz’s. More Michele Bachmann’s? These folks completely broke from reality a long time ago and they’re not coming back. If you haven’t escaped yet, I’m afraid you will remain in this propaganda-created-bubble-of-non-reality for the rest of your political lives. Hundreds of millions of republicans are not going just wake up tomorrow and say:

“Wow, blocking Obamacare blew up our economy again. Holy shit! Was that really worth it? I don’t really even understand Obamacare. Let’s just take a deep breath and think about what we did.”

—said no republican ever

Our only hope is to keep pounding them on every issue, every dumb policy, every delusional congressman’s rant. Sadly, I don’t have much hope at this point. We need to teach these stories in our classrooms so that the next generation needn’t step into this land called Never Ever Right.

“Every time you say you don’t believe in Obamacare, a fairy dies.”

—Peter Progressive

And he was just trying to get his HIV medication, jerks!

Just remember where you heard all this shit first…yeah, a spoof news site.  If that isn’t an indication of how screwed we are, I don’t know what is. Just before I sent this editorward, I came across this must read Mathew Yglesias Slate post. The article is on a famous Yale political scientist, who predicts:

“The current atmosphere of political crisis isn’t a passing fad and it isn’t going to get better. In fact, it’s very likely to get worse. Much worse. And lead to a complete breakdown of constitutional government and the democratic order.”

—Juan Linz

Yeah, this guy must read Zano. I didn’t go to Yale but I’m so close to my GED I can smell it. Sometimes I feel like Woody Harrelson in that camper in that poncho in that movie…you know, when he accurately predicted the events of 2012—except this is 2013 and the super volcano is really a bunch of brain dead republicans who are all ready to blow up the world simply because they no longer understand it.

ACA Exchanges Open: Obamalypse Now!!

The Former U.S.A.—Millions of Americans are now jobless, black people are inexplicably more empowered, and those last few gainfully employed real Americans are huddled around their television sets watching Fox News for updates and for strength.

“It’s horrible,” said John Q. Republican. “Hospitals are inundated with paying customers and at night our streets are filled with roving gangs of death panels. As the Affordable Care Act is implemented, doctors are blanketing our neighborhoods, armed to the teeth with endless pages of healthcare policies. Oh, but no dental coverage yet.”

Speaker John Boehner is outraged, “Anyone with a stethoscope can now enter your home without a warrant and decide who lives and who dies.  This not the America. It’s certainly not the America I hoped republicans would someday destroy.”

All medical records will also be sent to the White House for review. “I will have my socialist army march house by house, neighborhood by neighborhood,” warned Obama, “But don’t worry, I will only harass those who I deem to have unhealthy lifestyle habits. We need to weed out the clearly unhealthy, tax them until they die, and then double their death tax.”

The shutdown is costing us our treasure and our credibility, but has done nothing to slowdown Obamacare, um, because of something called it’s already happening.  Meanwhile, the brand new Department of Homeland Fitness is adding millions to their Unhealthy Watch List, which has implications for employment, taxes, and targeted internet spam.