Cable Land—A local cable provider near you is offering a reality-show package deal for all those considering a career in the reality arts. The journey starts on the wildly popular Fear Factor. Once you’re scared enough, you’ll be stripped and deposited Naked and Afraid on some remote island. There, you will likely contract something bad, which will manifest on the third stop of our reality tour, Monsters Inside of Me. After your innards are no longer a topic of interest for our television viewers, you’ll head over to Moonshiners, where it is hoped copious amounts of white lightening will help kill your infection, whatever it might be.

Then, depending upon your gender, get set to head on over to either The Bachelor or the Bachelorette.  Don’t worry if you’re married, because by now you won’t be! It’s that simple. Then it’s onward to the Discovery Channel where your will appear on Dude, You’re Screwed, One Way Out, American Guns, and then Lone Target—hopefully in that order. By then you will need an extreme makeover on Extreme Makeover. When all is said and done, you will end up on the slab where you will star in an episode of our new reality show, Former Reality Star Autopsy!

But wait, we’re just getting started. If you act now anything of value on your corpse will be brought over and hawked on Pawn Stars. Then your remains will be shoved into some random storage locker and sold on Storage Wars. Some or all of you may even make a brief appearance on Shark Tank. Hey, why can’t I do both? That’s the spirit. Speaking of which, we will continue to hunt for your spirit on Dead Reality Star Ghost Hunters. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, unless you’re mummified, in which case you will eventually star in an episode of America’s Favorite Mummy Excavations.

So you think you can dance, Jackass? You have No Reservations?  Don’t be the Biggest Loser, sign up today. Void where prohibited.