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Arizona’s Wall to Nowhere

by Mick Zano • February 1, 2015

If you were wondering, the answer is Yes, Arizona can get dumber than the Big Wall on the Border thing. A 10-Billion dollar border bill just passed Arizona’s republican circus today, the details of which make Palin’s Iowa speech sound like Kant’s Critique on Pure Reason. I Kant explain? Who? Our budget is already straining at the seams and this is their fiscally conservative answer? Hey, but it will stop ISIS from using Fast & Furious to smuggle Death Panels into ‘Murica.

This Wall to Nowhere comes in the form of a series of fences and roads across the ass-end of this ass-governed state. This bill creates a one hundred mile no-man’s-land around a series of roads and fences along our southern border. The area would also conveniently be no longer under the jurisdiction of the EPA. Not that the EPA has much of a presence here in The Grand Canyon State—which I believe was originally formed by a Koch funded copper-mining project. Actually, it’s not that big a deal because we don’t have a lot of EPA agents anyway. Most were shot during separate “stand your garbage” incidents.

Homeland Security is calling this entire project “unnecessary” and most of the engineers consulted claim it can’t be done. Oh, and everyone involved—aside, of course, from the elephants in the room—think that even if they do defy physics, and nail this gazillion dollar moon shot, it won’t achieve the desired results. Hey, isn’t that Congress’ job? Are you trying to outsource their important inaction? Thanks NAFTA.

What a joke. A republican representative, Sally McRide or something, is spearheading this insanity. “We have to set a very high goal to understand how important it is to get this job done.”

Let me add her next unstated thought, “And I was very high indeed when I came up with this shit. Oh, but I’m still against legalization.”

[Foxy moron joke removed by the editor]

The Secretary of Homeland Security pointed out, “The bill is extreme to the point of being unworkable (now please extrapolate this to every republican solution known to man). If enacted, it would actually leave the border less secure. The bill sets mandatory and highly prescriptive standards that the Border Patrol itself regards as impossible to achieve, undermines the Department of Homeland Security’s capacity to adapt to emerging threats, and politicizes tactical decisions.”

Or as Senator McCain added, “Win, win!”

Never ask this: how can these people get any worse? It’s a loaded question and apparently so are they when they legislate. As they spend their time railing against a list of fictional Obama atrocities, their own very real decisions will haunt us for generations. Is this shit happening in your state or have we managed to corner the market on crazy?

Dear Republicans,

Fiscal conservatism: you’re doing it wrong.

National Security: you’re doing it wrong.

Sincerely,

Reality

P.S. I can’t actually think of anything you’re doing right, so why not just take a nice nap.

Let’s pull money from education for this monstrosity, I mean, we’re ranked only 49^th. Heck, we can only drop one more state, right? And, screw poor people, let’s have them live in hospitals and by spending more money it will somehow be cheaper. Just like 2011. Remember that? I do. The burden on hospitals spiked and the associated cost for the state increased, as predicted here.

Not to mention all that extra loot to rebuild the programs that they just gutted…you know, after they finally realized “well, that was stupid.” Yeah, let’s do that again under Governor Ducey!

Instead of this republican bullshit, let’s address the real problem to all of our problems: Republicans. Islam isn’t the only failed ideology in the room. A Muslim ideology flew planes into buildings and a republican ideology responded to that event. Summary Alert: The event sucked and so did our response. Let’s fix their draconian and failed War on Drugs and let’s place steeper fines on those who hire illegal workers in the first place and then let’s forgo the whole Great Wall to Nowhere thing. I realize this does not address their fictional issues, but I don’t suffer from a delusional disorder so it’s hard to address the array of paranoid scenarios bouncing around their fear-addled minds.

This is just another strategy brought to you by an entire political party that needs a competency hearing. Kidding, they failed that long ago. Remember that Orkan reverse-aging premise from Mork & Mindy? Looks like McCain dropped his binky again. When is it time to call Child Protective Services on an entire political party? Oh, that’s right, they gutted that program. But don’t worry, Senator Flake’s Send the Kiddos Packing initiative will cut down on child abuse, because those AZ toddlers will shoot back.

“Tear down the wall!”

—Pink Floyd

*Quotes courtesy of the Arizona Daily Sun.

by Alex Bone • January 30, 2015

From the old sofa in Tony Ballz’s Basement—As our three loyal fans can attest, The Daily Discord’s Search Truth Quest team continues to unravel the truth behind many hauntings and cryptid sightings across the southwest. Just last month we discovered that nothing paranormal whatsoever was occurring over at Hops on Birch pub. We shut this case after dedicating dozens of man hours, night after night, staking the place out. We left no Stone IPA unturned.

Why the managers over there weren’t willing to pay for our services remains another mystery and may well be the focus of our next investigation, night after night, staking the place out. We’ll leave no Stone IPA unturned.

Yet just as we became recognized locally as paranormal investigators our momentum ground to a halt—and that usually only happens when Zano refuses to buy another round. Our team was notified by our CEO, Pierce Winslow, that the Existential Ghosts for Assuming Dominance and Superiority (E—G.A.D.S.) had opened a legal claim against team STQ. Winslow went on to say we were all fired again, except Cokie, and that all of our security clearances at Discord Tower were hereby revoked.

Lucky for us, Winslow never allowed Ballz to officially move in so we could still crash in his basement as long as we promised not to touch anything, make any phone calls, use the internet, eat any of his food, use the shower or the bathroom, or touch anything.

But why were we being sued and by whom? I thought.

After an exhausting phone book search, we found the local chapter of E—G.A.D.S. What is the deal with phone books? The Joogle was down so we went retro. Anyway, I hopped on my bike and rode the fifty miles to their clandestine headquarters. Zano said he would have given me a ride, but a new coffee shop had opened and he needed to investigate some of the expresso as well as some of the baristas.

Upon reaching E—G.A.D.S., I was led through a passageway built from tombstones into a small crypt that served as the office for a lawyer named Ecto P. Lasim. When asked why we were being sued, he said, “We spirits of the liminal nether realms have taken great offence at your lame attempts to expose us via bad puns and the like. But Zano’s ectopilsner theory will not stand!”

When I asked him about all the other ghost busting shows, he replied. “Oh those ones are way off base, but if the secret of ectopilsner were to be made public, we’d be ruined! We might even have to start paying our own afterlife bar tabs.”

Rubbing my brow for a moment, I looked at his floating form and said, “But won’t the fact that we are being sued by ghosts be the one thing that could really prove your existence?”

Then, before I knew what was happening, his head began to smoke and the building shook under my feet.

“Everything I say is a lie. I am lying,” I added. His body pulsed red and cracks appeared in the walls. “If God is all powerful, can he create a nipple so big that even he can’t suck it?”

Lasim screamed as he burst into a thousand ecto-piddled pieces. The headquarters of E—G.A.D.S. collapsed around me as I fled. It wasn’t too different from that last Discord party at Winslow’s mid-august home—the one we threw without his knowledge while he was on his two year cruise to Atlantis.

Looking around I saw that no evidence remained. If only our cameraman hadn’t been busy making sure all our card decks had fifty three cards in them, he would have been here. We could have finally proven that ghosts do exist. But instead my bike was stolen by elves and I had leprechauns and paranormal serial killers harassing me on the long walk home.

As for the last insult:

I tried to take pictures of them with my cell, but Winslow had already canceled my cell phone service.

by Mick Zano • January 23, 2015

News on climate change is reaching a fevered pitch. We are currently being flooded with information that both confirms and confounds the whole climate debate, pardon the pun. But let’s give Pope Francis some credit. Earlier this week His Holiness the Lib admitted climate change is primarily “man’s fault” and he’s hoping for serious measures to protect the planet at this year’s Paris conference. What next, Pope and Trade?

Doesn’t the Pope get his praying orders from Fox News? Is the Vatican a rogue agency? Shouldn’t Ruperfer now cast Francis into the abyss? Aka, let the Pope-slinging commence!

Is the Pope Colluding with Al Gore?

Is the Vatican Covering up for Climate-gate?

Benghazi: Is God to Blame?

It seems like the conservative’s spiritual leader is starting to green around the gills. Kidding, he’s always been that way. He must have been influenced by some liberal Cardinal back in seminary school. Actually, he sounds like anyone else on Earth outside the reach of our toxic AM radio waves.

I can’t wait to hear Fox News’ reaction to this one. I’m starting to watch a little Fox again. It’s an effective appetite suppressant. Ask your doctor if throwing up on your family is right for you.

Sorry about using the words ‘fact’ and ‘Fox News’ in the same sentence. It’s been a long week. Meanwhile, The Times in India just broke this kernel:

“A study said on Wednesday that sea level rise in the past two decades has accelerated faster than previously thought in a sign of climate change threatening coasts from Florida to Bangladesh.”

—Quote courtesy of Juan Cole

On this side of the pond, the New York Times just broke a story on how this year is the hottest since records started. Of course, the Foxlands immediately countered with a Daily Caller article on how, although NOAA and Japanese climate scientist are calling 2014 the warmest, satellite data insists it’s only the 6th warmest in history. So two sources say it’s the hottest on record and one suggest it’s the sixth hottest, so…uh…

“Touché, Monsieur pussy cat.”

—Jerry Mouse

This is the hill you’re going to die on? Really? Oh, it’s not…I’m being told they’re moving to a hill further inland due to rising sea levels.

“Sea levels aren’t rising. Hasn’t anyone considered how a bigger government could make the land somewhat lower?”

—John Q. Republican

Do I really have to keep addressing this shit? Yes…yes I do. If you haven’t noticed these people are winning elections. Oh, you want me to switch gears to discuss what we should do about climate change? Try voting next time. Sorry, this is all part of The GOP’s Every Issue Left Behind program.

Let’s play their sick and frivolous game for a moment. What are we to make of the few remaining scientist nay sayers? There are instances in some regions as well as some data that contradicts this bigger trend. Is this a surprise? I took earth science in the 8^th grade, so …no. Scientists will be the first to admit they don’t know the entire play-by-play of our global demise. Admittedly some regions do seem to be working against models. A percentage of our glaciers are growing, but if 7 of 10 glaciers are still retreating at an alarming rate, uh…here, have a slice of pie.

But in their defense, what does the World Glacier Monitoring Service know about glaciers?

“Pie has to do with math, not science, right? But I’m not an iceologist.”

—John Q. Republican

Conservatives will forever be able to report on that one glacier that’s still growing. Kidding, that will end soon too. Nothing that our conservative friends are focusing on contradicts the larger trends.

You mean, the one about how they’re becoming even less insightful?

No, no, that other trend, the whole we’re all going to die thing. And, as for those few scientists still going all Bob Seger, against the wind, on us:

“Despite such arguments from a handful of scientists, the vast majority of those who study the climate say the earth is in a long-term warming trend that is profoundly threatening and caused almost entirely by human activity.”

—Justin Gillis, NYT, Pope collaborator and Al Gore sympathizer

Sadly, I review these articles that supposedly support the republican position, with the sole exception of Breitbart.com (that site makes Rush Limbaugh seem like Mr. Rogers). Yet, almost none of these articles linked from ‘The Drudge Report’ actually deny global warming—a fact that eludes our headline-reading-only friends over on Fox. These articles tend to focus on this one data point that science can’t yet explain, as if our demise is ever going to be an exact science. Give me a pause.

I love Bill Nye’s recent take down of Senator James Inhofe (R) and the rest of the bullshit brigade.

“As scientific skeptics, we are well aware of political efforts to undermine climate science by those who deny reality but do not engage in scientific research or consider evidence that their deeply held opinions are wrong. The most appropriate word to describe the behavior of those individuals is ‘denial.’”

—Bill Nye

This New York Times article Ocean Life Faces Mass Extinction, Broad Study Says is way overdue. It confirms our ocean’s demise. Of course, most of us came to this same conclusion years ago. In response to this article John Q. Republican is saying, “Broad study? What do chicks have to do with our oceans?”

Are we amidst a cooling trend that is stunting the warmer one? How do solar phases impact temperatures? What about the impact of deep ocean waters? How the hell should I know? Whereas I defer to the scientific community, they defer to Breitbart.com. I thought something was happening but did not expect to see such drastic changes in my lifetime, nor was I sure—then and now—how much man was actually impacted by man’s activity. But an evolving position is only possible when someone is capable of reason. My position here on the Discord has shifted from:

1.) Who cares, let’s focus on pollution anyway (2008).

2.) Something’s happening but is man impacting this? (2011)

3.) Full-blogged climate alarmist (2015).

During this same time period the republican position has remained, Fuck science. It’s not happening. I really thought at some point they would be forced to switch to, well, it’s happening but what does my hummer and my daily hamburger have to do with anything? That will still happen, soon enough, but it’s taking longer than anticipated. These behaviors that link both to their stomachs and their pocketbooks are deeply engrained. By the time they figure this out, cockroaches will rule the earth. Hey, maybe that’s why they’re not worried?

Is this a Zano retraction? Maybe, uh…I feel like such a moraine. Sorry, it’s an earth science joke.

Meanwhile, Republicans keep saying, “screw pollution, keep drilling for oil, there’s nothing to see here.” This is a sociopathic position. As I’ve said before, even if there were only a slight chance climate change would end mankind, it should be taken seriously. Ignoring this is a crazy enough position if the chances were slim, but with current consensus over 90%, we are going to have to come up with a new word as ‘sociopathic’ doesn’t quite cut it [Winslow: Moronopathic?].

Once again, trying to change the mind of a Foxeteer is a fool’s errand. Global consensus on the dangers of pollution levels arrived many decades ago and the consensus on climate change has come and gone as well. To give you an idea why a debate with a Foxeteer is meaningless, take the issue of torture. The world decided that torture was a bad idea at the time of the Magna Carta (1215 AD) and we don’t have another thousand years to explain this to them. Obama chose the right message on SOTU this week. Sure you can argue over the details for the medal round, but does that change the overall warming trend?

“No challenge poses a greater threat to future generations than climate change. 2014 was the planet’s warmest year on record. Now, one year doesn’t make a trend, but this does — 14 of the 15 warmest years on record have all fallen in the first 15 years of this century.”

—Barack Obama, SOTU 2015

And now the Republican response:

“Satellite data suggests it’s only 13 of the hottest 15 on record. Liar!”

—Breitbart.com

by Tony Ballz • January 21, 2015

I was eager to tune in. To tell the truth, I barely turn the damn thing on anymore. Well, for anything besides basketball, South Park, The Daily Show, Rio Bravo on AMC (again), reruns of NewsRadio, Cheers and Gilmore Girls or the hilarious cleaned-up Sopranos on A&E. And wouldn’t you know it, an overly sanitized Pump up the Volume is on WGN right before tonight’s broadcast. YES! Happy Harry Hardon! They should have burned the place down at the end, like in Rock & Roll High School.

Oh, the Kennedy Center thing. 2009’s honorees were: opera singer Grace Bumbry, Dave “Take Five” Brubeck, Mel “It’s good to be da king” Brooks, Robert “Are you talkin’ to ME?” DeNiro, and Bruce “Broooce” Springsteen, who’s already Emperor of New Jersey AND The Boss.

For those who don’t know, the Kennedy Center gala is pretty much the only time the U.S. Government officially acknowledges the existence of something called “culture” in our society. The idea’s seed came from Mamie Eisenhower, Kennedy tried to make it happen, and it finally broke ground under Johnson, who named it after freshly-dead JFK. The Center opened in 1971 and has hosted thousands of performances and concerts, mostly jazz, classical and Broadway. Starting in 1978, the Kennedy Center has named five honorees a year for outstanding something-or-other.

Looking over the list of past winners made me wish I had seen 2004’s show, in which George W. Bush’s America paid tribute to Mr. Bob “you can call me Zimmy” Dylan, that old pinko.

The whole shebang is a big deal. The fun starts on Saturday at the White House, where the president awards each recipient a ceremonial ribbon, which they are required to wear all weekend. Then dinner and cocktails and a sleepover at the president’s pad. The big glitzy Golden Globey public ballyhoo is on Sunday afternoon and the highlights are edited into a two hour special, airing Sunday night.

The honorees sit WAY the heck up in the fifth balcony (along with Mr. and Mrs. Prez), their spouses/dates behind them, and the adoring crowd below is constantly turning and applauding up towards heaven at them. The strangest thing is that during the proceedings, the five say not a word (neither does the president) while the accolades flutter up from the floor. They just sit there silently, like royalty.

The selection this year was pretty solid, not a bum among. But jeez, look at this bunch of geezers: Springsteen (token rocker/boy-next-door) was the youngest at 60 (he definitely dyes his hair), followed by DeNiro (token tough guy) at 67, Bumbry (token Negro) at 72, Brooks (token Jew) at 77, and Brubeck (token egghead), celebrating his 89th the day of the show.

The highlights were an interesting mix of high- and low-brow:

Harvey “this guy called me a mook” Keitel’s speech on DeNiro was mock-interrupted by Ben “Gay Focker” Stiller, who interrupted his own DeNiro spiel with “Holy crap, there’s Bruce Springsteen! BROOOCE! And that Nobel Prize guy …”, which our president laughed heartily at and then The President Of The United States BUMPED KNUCKLES with The Boss. That in itself should have been bizarre, but they seemed at ease with each other: the King Of Rock & Roll and Soul Brother #1.

Dave Brubeck, who introduced the rhythms and time signatures of Morocco, Turkey, India and other exotic locales to the world of Western music, smiled ecstatically as a combo made up of his four sons played a medley of his tunes.

Queen of Soul Aretha Franklin introduced Grace Bumbry, the first black opera singer to play Venus, which caused quite a stir in the early 1960s. Her highlight reel was illuminating and astounding. Grace was a real babe in her day, and easily looked 20 years younger than her 72.

The weirdness started with Mel Brooks’ tribute. Old pal Carl Reiner kicked things off, followed by Harry Connick Jr. singing “High Anxiety”, Jack Black belting out “Men in Tights”, and a small production of “The Inquisition” sketch from History of the World, Part I. Sure wish Gene Wilder and Peter Boyle were around to sing “Puttin’ on the Ritz”.

Then someone from the Broadway cast of The Producers dedicated the next song to Barack Obama, and it was called “Hope for the Best, Expect the Worst”. I kept waiting for the TV cameras to show a reaction shot from our president during the number, but none was forthcoming.

It got even stranger with a full-blown production of The Producers‘ “Springtime for Hitler” with the dancing girls wearing the big sausages on their heads and all, followed by the cast’s führer doing his mincing little dance bit. This caused the night’s best reaction shot: Mel Brooks grinning fiendishly while his date looked on in open-mouthed horror and disbelief. It could possibly have been the most tastelessly hysterical extravaganza ever staged for a U.S. president (no Obama shots during this part, either).

The high point of the evening arrived when they said “Ladies and gentlemen, Mel Brooks!” and the whole room applauded while Brooks stood up, took out his pocket comb, made a Hitler moustache out of it and seig-heiled all present. While Travis Bickle laughed and clapped next to him. Surreal. They saved Bruce for last. It started out classy enough, with Ron Kovic, the wheelchair-bound author of Born on the Fourth of July relating his first meeting with Springsteen, followed by fellow Jerseyite Jon “Death To Smoochy” Stewart delivering his own funny and surprisingly heartfelt tribute.

It went straight down the crapper from there. Dig it: John Mellencamp sang “Born in the U.S.A.” (blah); Melissa Etheridge growled her way through an overblown “Born to Run” (BLAH!); Eddie Vedder softly grunted “My City of Ruin” (sorta OK); and the grand finale? STING (Sting?) led a gospel choir through “The Rising” (BLEARGGGHHH!), during which the audience was on their feet and clapping bouncily on the one, just like when Fleetwood Mac played “Don’t Stop” at Clinton’s inaugural all those years ago, proving once again the great majority of rich white folks have no boogie in their butts.

When Hollywood or Broadway or any other large showbiz institution tries to pay tribute to rock & roll, they always get it wrong, and tonight was no exception. “Let’s have a bunch of singers with gruff voices doing songs about America” was really about as far as The Kennedy Center’s understanding of Bruce Springsteen and his music went. They didn’t even mention the E Street Band, which probably would have been the first words out of Bruce’s mouth, had he been allowed to speak.

But that’s OK, rock & roll has its own hall of fame, which Iggy Pop isn’t a member of yet. Go figure that one out.

by Mick Zano • January 18, 2015

Check out Salon and Edwyn Lyngar’s latest article The Angry Right’s Secret Playbook. It’s an interesting, yet frustrating read. Lyngar, a former republican, suggests liberals have a monopoly on the better ideas but that they need to adopt some of the right’s tactics to win the ideological debates of our time. I would rather lose elections than act like Sean Hannity for five minutes—unless it’s during a Discord News parody bit and I can coax Tina Fey into playing Sarah Palin.

Lyngar explains why the left keeps losing the war of ideas, despite having all of said ideas:

“In an ideological battle, the tendency toward inclusion and reflection can become a handicap. As a side effect of all this soul-searching, the left becomes ineffectual at fighting even the worst excesses on the right.”

—Edwyn Lyngar

Whereas I appreciate the sentiment, I also know such tactics—if taken one step too far—end up being fodder for the right (see: any Drudge Report headline). It’s often the only meat in any given Fox News segment. Behave badly and you will be called to the carpet.

“Hey everyone, look at what the craziest liberal professor thinks!”

—John Q. Republican

And yet I remain perpetually mortified by what the sanest republican thinks. That’s the difference. I understand there will always be fodder on both sides. Any poorly behaved liberal across the country can and will be the focus of the right’s scrutiny, be it politician, professor, teacher, plumber or what have you. Joe the Dumber? Just like any death in America will be somehow linked to Obamacare or how every snowflake that hits terra firma is God’s way of “refudiating” climate change. I don’t need to battle the comment section over on Breitbart.com., because I have bigger Fox to fry.

[Hyperlink removed for your protection]

The right’s inability to synthesize data as well as predict or understanding anything relevant remains astounding to me, and yet this zombie party still exists, devouring resources, craving brains, and gathering in ever greater herds. The Walking Deaf? Whereas it’s true the country will always be replete with ultra-liberal morons (ULMs), the real media need not slip down to Fox News standards. In fact, I insist.

As a person with some liberal sensibilities, MSNBC does not speak for me. The problem for conservatives is that Fox News always speaks for all of them. They may say in some private conversation “this one goes too far,” or “I don’t agree with this tactic,” but then they all, in unison, regurgitate any given Fox News talking point like the gospel—which if I recall is from Leshiticus: Chapter Poo.

“When you only have to win the news cycle, it doesn’t matter that any Fox talking point has a shelf-life on par with your average unpasteurized dairy product.”

—Mick Zano

There’s only one Foxx quote that ever resonated with me:

“When you see the handwriting on the wall, you’re in the toilet.”

—Red Foxx

Fox News is that toilet. We either move back toward reason, or this place isn’t worth saving. Lyngar is calling for liberals to play dirty pool. He wants them to get in the trenches and start winning the arguments.

“I call on my fellow liberals to embrace the rough stuff. Engage in battle with people who hate you and feel free to throw crazy right back, even if you only half believe it.”

—Edwyn Lyngar

Win the arguments, certainly, but minus these questionable tactics. Lyngar’s a bit too Machiavellian for my tastes. The ends justifies the Seans? Oh the on-Hannity! Sure we must, in the strongest possible terms, dismantle their arguments and remind them each and every news cycle how fundamentally wrong they all are. Hell, that’s what I do. But why stoop to bullshit? If both sides are mindless mudslinging machines, what good can come from that? Having two polarized and nonsensical arguments is depressing, not inspiring. Hold the line, people. The society you save may be your own.

I do agree that liberals are far too wimpy, on each and every topic. Pluralism is a handicap and a fatal one at times (see: Neville Chamberlain). Dems are wishy washy, they are too aloof, they are too cerebral, and they often perseverate to the point of total inaction. But ask your doctor if deciding on a course of action is right for you. Still, it sure beats being the village idiot any day of the week (Python bit excluded).

I refuse to replace crazy republicans with crazy liberals. That thread back to reality is tenuous enough for all of us these days; there’s no need to muddy the waters further.

[Hoochie Steve Doocey joke removed by the editor]

So you want our elections to be decided, not on the merits of any given argument, but to the loudest blowhard? Okay, let’s skip the election and anoint President Christie, right now. And let’s hope Air Force One doesn’t go all Kevin Smith on him.

Hey, I’m allowed one once in a while. Maher does it every week.

I do agree with Lyngar on this much: liberals need not work across the aisle and compromise with crazy people. Use the existing laws and fight them on every issue through every legal avenue and for the love of their God block every appointment. But I don’t want any further expansion of executive power and I do not want Foxian tactics to win elections. If neither side gives a shit about the truth, or the Constitution, we’re in big trouble. It’s bad enough having half our country living amidst some delusional self-created echo chamber of feces. [Editor still working on lousy acronym joke]

Liberals are all over the place and republicans remain one massive united force of wrongness. It’s why liberals still lose easily winnable elections, well, besides gerrymandering, voter suppression and The Fox News All Sharts. Republicans are on the same page, but in the wrong book. Everything is on a spectrum and so are they. Sorry, it’s a DSM-V thing.

“Liberals focus on leveling the playing field while republicans focus on leveling the rain forest.”

—Mick Zano

Having MSNBC employ guilt by omission tactics is disturbing enough, but I don’t want the outright lies to follow, though as per Lyngar’s sentiment, I’m sadly predicting they will. Still, I don’t know how anyone can watch Fox News and think for a moment that this is a serious attempt at journalism. The fact half our country is not immediately nauseated by the likes of Sean Hannity is beyond me. He should be marketed, not as a news anchor but as an appetite suppressant.

At the end of the day, I don’t want any part of what Lyngar the Horrible is suggesting. Go back to conservatism if you feel this way. We don’t need you and I won’t defend you. I refuse to mimic the right wing’s media tactics in any way shape or form—with the exception of Megyn Kelly’s form, who, despite being unable to spell her first name properly, has a pleasing form nevertheless.

[Closing comment deemed inappropriate by the editor]

Image included by editor to, um, illustrate Megyn Kelly’s form

[Image included by editor to, um, illustrate journalist Megyn Kelly’s form]

by Tony Ballz • January 14, 2015

Here in scenic historic whitebread Flagstaff, I believe it is one’s civic duty to improve one’s surroundings however one can in order to make one’s community more … umm, human? Tolerable? Not sucky? What’s the opposite of depressing? I’m currently involved with two radio stations, one imaginary (sort of) and one real (sort of).

A while ago I decided to stop bitching about how utterly awful Flagstaff’s airwaves are (OK, I still do that) and get off my duff and contribute to their beautification. Radio Free Flagstaff is the brainchild of Noise contributor and local broadcaster John Abrahamsen. RFF is designed as a community-access station open to all, no experience necessary. John has a much more eloquent statement of purpose on our website radiofreeflag.org. In a nutshell: send us money. Please. We need to get on the air. It will be worth it, promise and swear to God.

Ideally, Radio Free Flagstaff will broadcast 24/7 with a signal as strong as any other local station. And y’all are invited! Let’s get it together, boys and girls! The FCC will be listening so we have to keep it kind of clean, but subversive is A-OK, encouraged even.

The fact that a city the size of Flagstaff (stop calling it a town) doesn’t already have community radio is ludicrous. Remember when there was a local television station with a nightly newscast? No? That’s because it went off the air fifteen years ago and never came back on. We’ll speculate on why that happened another time.

In December 2010, Congress passed the Local Community Radio Act, which basically loosens the FCC’s stranglehold on the FM dial and encourages small towns to start their own grassroots stations with a local slant. We’re on the list for approval, just need to get that bread together.

Frank Chipotel and I started doing shows in September 2010. We’re like two of those wacky AM DJs, except funny and with WAY better music. I do silly voices and Frank gets grumpy and yells a lot. And we bring in good tunes. There’s tons of other quality programming posted as well.

If you’ve ever seen a radio station on TV or in a movie, that’s where we record. It’s cluttered but clean. It has a broadcast booth with fairly expensive mikes and headphones and a bunch of mysterious electronics (I try not to touch too many knobs), a central office/meeting room with a door, and a general “bullpen” area with several desks.

There’s radio-centered effluvia everywhere: trade magazines, framed certificates and awards on the walls, stacks of promotional CDs and Public Service Announcements, a utility closet with all sorts of wires and stuff, sports knick-knacks, filing cabinets, and a huge satellite dish out in the parking lot about three dumpsters tall surrounded by a concrete barrier with a locked gate. You need a key or a security code to get in to the studio. The public restroom is usually cleaner than mine at home and it’s always empty. I’ve had several satisfying bathroom experiences in there.

The whole place screams “professional”. As I said, just like the movies.

My other gig is on KWHY (106.9 FM), a pirate station with a low enough wattage to fly under the FCC’s radar. Heading south from downtown, the signal dies around Wal-Mart; heading east, around 4th Street. A girl we know started it but then she moved and now I don’t think anyone is in charge.

KWHY is located somewhere most of us have lived, usually in our early 20s: The Party House. There’s five or six roommates and several dogs and cats cohabitating there. Every week or two they’ll have bands play in the living room while dozens of drunk punks roam the premises and break stuff and knock over beers and pee in the yard and fall down.

The day I started doing my show was the first time I had ever seen the place empty. I’m never sure if the people I meet live there or are just hanging out. The recycling bins are ridiculous; this single household may be the Pabst Blue Ribbon company’s best customer in Flagstaff.

I don’t think they ever lock the front door. Everybody just walks in, no one knocks. The kitchen is usually pretty horrific. I’ve never had the courage to sit down on their toilet. There’s a second bathroom in back by the broadcasting equipment, but it’s been out of service for months and stinks really bad so the door is kept shut.

Sometimes there’s a group practicing two rooms over that completely drowns out my show and I have to either put on headphones or give up and go home. I bring my own headphones because the ones there are broken in half. The whole joint usually smells like spilled beer and/or week-old trash. They could really use one of those hand-san dispenser. The transmitter is about the size of a paperback book. It came from Radio Shack and only requires a two-prong plug for electricity. From it, a cable runs between the washer and dryer in the next room, out a hole in a window screen, and up to the antenna on the roof.

The main amplifier is the same kind of receiver I have for my stereo at home (meaning nothing fancy). There’s two turntables, a CD player, a dual cassette deck with one of the doors missing, a two channel DJ mixer with a cheapo built-in microphone, and a four-way junction box that includes an 1/8 inch plug for an MP3 player or laptop. Except for the transmitter and the dish, all the equipment could have been found at Savers or Goodwill or a garage sale. A lot of it is held together with duct tape.

How do you know you’re on the air? You simply tune the station in on a portable radio/CD player, the kind with two inch speakers that ten year old girls get for their birthdays, and crank that sucker up. Not too loud, or the mic will start feeding back.

The entire operation gets its juice from a single power strip (piggybacking a second one) with an adaptor on the end going into a two-prong wall socket. That’s it. The whole damn station. The first time I came in there, the plug was hanging out at a 45 degree angle. I rigged it with some duct tape so now it sits full in the outlet.

Your grandma has a better stereo setup than this. So does the average technophobe. Everything looks like it might fall apart at any minute. Sometimes it does.

THIS IS HOW EASY IT IS TO GET ON THE RADIO. When you don’t need a license, that is.

When no one’s broadcasting live, the iTunes shuffle is on. The DJs and residents of the party house have packed it full of goodness from our personal collections. Sometimes I’ll be listening at 2 or 3 AM and some truly WEIRD people will be on that mic.

Like I said, KWHY’s wattage is so low the FCC has no jurisdiction over it. That means we can play and say whatever we want. The first time I uttered the f-word on the air was quite liberating. I immediately said it six more times in a row, just because it felt so damn good. The novelty hasn’t worn off yet.

Wednesdays are my night. I cart over about 30 LPs and a handful of CDs from home. I’ve always wanted to hear bands like Husker Du, Mission of Burma, Big Black, Fugazi, Drive Like Jehu, The Melvins, Guided by Voices, Skinny Puppy, Bastro, The Fall, Gang of Four, and Pere Ubu on the radio and now I’ve made it happen. Sometimes I talk, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes the albums skip really bad. Sometimes the needle gets all fuzzy and you have to lift it off the record and go brrt brrt with your finger and put it back on.

The other week I played nothing but Frank Zappa for four solid hours. It was awesome. I’m thinking of bringing in Live at Carnegie Hall 1961 by Lenny Bruce and spinning the whole thing, all six sides. Maybe follow it with some Lord Buckley. It really frees you up when you realize no one is listening except maybe the other DJs.

There is one major difference between the two projects. All the shows we’ve done for Radio Free Flagstaff have been recorded and edited and are available on the website. I have MP3 copies of them on my hard drive.

When I broadcast on KWHY, the words and music are released into the ether and then they’re just gone, whether or not anyone out there is hearing them. It’s a moment in time that passes undocumented.

My greatest fear for RFF and KWHY is that they succumb to the Flagstaff Curse. It goes like this: Everyone sits around bitching about how everything sucks now and how cool it was back in the day. Something new with potential for greatness pops up. Those involved try to get people excited about it. People get into it for a while, the excitement wanes, the new thing dies. Everyone sits around bitching about how everything sucks now and how cool it was back in the day. Repeat.

Radio Free Flagstaff and KWHY may have radically different approaches, but the intended result is the same: to let the voices of our community be heard. No matter how incoherent they are.

Except for KZXK (98.9 FM), all of Flagstaff’s radio stations are corporate owned. That means they are all driven by one goal: profit. None of them are interested in doing anything beneficial for our city. But some of us are.

Maybe if we yell loud enough, someone will hear us.

by Mick Zano • January 6, 2015

Is anyone else getting a little sick of the actions of rightwing climate denialists? I haven’t seen a group so doggedly wrong about something since whatever the hell was on Fox News yesterday. Sure you’re always wrong, but this is the issue you will be damned for. Mark my words, history will eventually take all those single quotes Matt Drudge keeps putting around the words ‘climate change’ and stuff them up his fat [bleep].

Remember last year when Republicans were harping on this “pause” in climate change? We had the hottest fifteen years on record, but it held pace for a time which was immediately translated by our friends on the right as “not happening.” Well, surprise surprise the ocean temps have started tracking upward again, here. Whatever the Earth was doing to compensate for global warming has failed so this “pause” is officially over. My 2013 comment on this phenomenon:

“I’m afraid this warming trend is likely to resume soon, but the GOP’s inability to process data will likely go on until the bitter end.”

—Mick Zano, wise ass and insufferable told-ya-so artist

See, I get to link back to my stuff, but it’s best to forget about what they said. They certainly have… Linking back to their thoughts—that way lies madness. Now the latest attacks from the right wing’s nonsense-machine are just as ridiculous. This next round of crapola is drifting toward us in the form of expanding sea ice.

“Ocean sea ice is growing when all models predicted a decrease!”

—John Q. Republican

This is actually true, which is a small victory in-and-of itself for conservatives. But sea ice ranges from a few inches to a few meters in thickness and can grow or disappear in a matter of days, weeks, or months. Glaciers, however, take thousands of years to either form or dissolve—that is, until the 21^st century. So it’s just another false comparison, which is one of the bullshit-tools-of-choice for our conservative friends. We have an entire political party built on misinformation and this is just the latest example. Why can’t any of them get a handle on something over a mile thick? …Yes, I’m talking about their skulls.

The below quote comes from a unique perspective. It’s courtesy of a climate scientist and evangelical Christian. No shit. When asked why people don’t want to believe in climate science, she said:

“It’s easier to deny the reality of the problem altogether than acknowledge that it is real but we don’t want to do anything about it because it’s against our politics. Not only that, but in the interests of presenting a fair balance, we are also being fed false information through the media. A recent study reviewing news coverage in 2013 showed that 30 percent of the climate change information on CNN contained misleading statements. That number increases to 72 percent on Fox News. So it’s hard for people to know what’s right and what’s wrong.”

—Katherine Hayhoe

Dr. Hayhoe doesn’t cite the 72% Fox falsehood claim anywhere, to which I call bullshit. The percentage is probably much higher. As part of her solution, she urges the scientific community to take the time to reach out to churches and help them understand science.

What?!

Your first statement says it all: 72% of what Fox News says on this—or any other subject—is bullshit, and almost all republicans believe Fox News is a legitimate news organization. So you think a scant 177,000 lectures at each of the estimated churches across our country will somehow quell Fox Noise? Really? Good luck with that noble endeavor, Sisyphus.

Wouldn’t it be more advantageous to convince people that Fox News is full of shit? This is my strategy and, whereas it too is a waste of time, it does have the benefit of the occasional midget porn joke. What we really need to do is simple—never elect another republican president. At least not until their party returns to reality …and even then, probably not.

And remember Climategate? I would like to take the time to add this to the republican loss column as well. I am being warned about rehashing the republican’s full list of blunders as it would tax our new server’s capacity. Climategate only showed us one thing: Sean Hannity should really consider getting his GED. Now extrapolate that sentiment to the majority of his viewers. Evening classes are available. On a side note, could you imaging having Hannity in your GED class?

“What? Everyone knows Paul Revere was warning the British! Heck, Sarah Palin said that right on my show…Is it an ice age or global warming? When will scientists make up their minds?”

—Sean Hannity, Village Idiot

According to Republicans, the source of Climategate was this email wherein a scientist discussed “fixing the data.” The email is referred to as ‘Mike’s Nature trick…to hide the decline.’ But, as it turns out, this decline mentioned in the email had nothing to do with global temperatures.

“That’s just incorrect, as you would have known if you were part of the community of scientists doing the research. The ‘decline’ being referred to wasn’t even about global temperatures at all, but rather, a decline in the growth of certain trees whose rings were being used to infer past temperatures.”

—Harry Collins, Cardiff University

By the way, “fixing the data” refers to cleaning up the outliers and making the data presentable, but this immediately became part of the Climategate mystique. Hey, how about a series of investigations? Benghazi! Better yet, how about someone on Fox News takes a statistics class.

“Climategate didn’t undermine the case for human-caused global warming at all. Rather, it demonstrated why it is so hard for ordinary citizens to understand what is going on inside the scientific community—much less to snipe and criticize it from the outside. They simply don’t grasp how researchers work on a day-to-day basis, or what kind of shared knowledge exists within the group.”

—Harry Collins, Cardiff University

In the same Mother Jones article, Dr. Collins maintains that when a given scientist presents any data that suggests a warming trend is occurring, they are immediately labeled an “elitist”. I realize this political pressure occurs in both directions, but such shenanigans are probably less prominent on the left and when it does happen it’s primarily driven by a fear that “we’re all going to die.” I’m not excusing this behavior, in fact, it’s gone a long way to validating republican’s otherwise ridiculous opinion on this matter.

So let’s put the future of mankind in the hands of non-experts whose current track record makes Lindsay Lohan seem like Bruce Jenner. Breakfast of Chumpions? Whereas the scientific community is trying to get to the truth of the matter, the GOP is forever trying to hide the truth. Fox News remains the bane of our existence and they are only getting better at their obfuscations. Okay, not really, but they’ve just come to the conclusion that no one on their side of the aisle even cares about the truth anymore. Oh, you have actual data? ELITIST!

Ultimately they will have a hard time explaining their position to future generations. Of course, they won’t notice this worldwide condemnation because of the riveting 229^th Climategate hearing. What did they do with the outliers and when did Obama know about them?

Last year, the U.N.’s panel on climate science raised the probability that human activity is contributing to climate change from 90% to 95%, here. That’s not to say science always gets everything right, in fact, Greenland’s glaciers are melting faster than predicted, here.

So at this point of the game I gotta ask, are republicans really this wrong about everything or is this more about how much loot they can bank before the shit hits the giant wind farm that they refused to fund? Which is it? For the one percenters it’s probably the latter, but for the other 99% of the Fox Nation well, you’ve sold out your planet for the hope of one day being as rich and as shortsighted as your sociopathic CEO friends—which is even worse.

When we see Glacier National Park renamed Valley-Created-by-Glaciers National Park, and when we see the fabled Northwest Passage drop the “fabled” part, and when we can no longer have expeditions to the North Pole without wetsuits, uh, what aren’t you people getting? Oh, that’s right, anything.

“Science doesn’t know everything, but republicans don’t know anything.”

—Mick Zano

And, as for those one percenters, I hope those champagne ice sculptures were worth it. Hey, but on a good note ice sculptures may slightly increase land ice. I can’t wait for the related Baier Report segment on this one, or, as I like to call it, The Bayer Report.

Where Climate Change Is Likely to Hit the Hardest

Even the GOP’s frontal lobes are toast, people. It’s that pervasive.

by Mick Zano • January 4, 2015

I don’t think we have to worry about a republican president anytime soon, but let’s contemplate an elephant in the White House. Let’s watch this scenario play out and see what he or she would do from day one. But let’s take this sneak peak from the relative safety of a nearby parallel dimension —preferably the far end of said parallel dimension.

First, let’s look at the riveting platform our new Commander in Chief, who would no doubt be using his “mandate” on steroids (mandate = losing the popular vote while squeaking out the Electoral College):

1. I will continue to stand behind the most tested and failed economic strategy on earth (Hint: it rhymes with Pickled Clown Economics).

2. I will run on creating a slew of committees to investigate a host of invented scandals (Hint: the most popular one sort of rhymes with Svengoolie).

3. I will run on an imaginary republican record, based entirely on a form of revisionist history that would make even Don Quixote wince (Hint: this is part of my “when the manure hits the windmill” theory).

From day one:

A republican president would start to revoke Obamacare and Medicaid expansion to the cheers of millions of the now uninsured masses. Kentuckians, many of whom are among our sickest and poorest, won’t really notice as they probably haven’t gotten too attached to their new doctors yet. NYT story here.

“Don’t think of it as losing more teeth, think of it as protection from roving death panels.”

—John Q. Republican

Then church bake sales would increase across the nation in an effort to compensate through a nationally unfunded: Don’t have Healthcare? Have a brownie Instead initiative. This would compel Michelle Obama to dash around the country trying to knock the tasty treat out of people’s hands.

[Heck of job, Brownie joke omitted by the editor]

Eventually the Affordable Care Act would be replaced with a Hannity America’s “Get a Life” Survival Kit, which comes with a free year’s subscription to The Weekly Standard. Should any condition become too painful, the gun included in Hannity’s We Don’t Care Package can be used to stop any dental or medical emergency, before it starts.

“From my old, bleeding gums!”

—Charlton Denture Heston

[Stand your ground under it law joke omitted by the editor]

The second term for John Q. will start with the creation of his initiative: Stand Your Ground From Six-Feet Under It.

From day one:

A republican president would initiate the War on Math by firing the current director of the Congressional Budget Office and then immediately spare no expense finding a qualified mathmafictionalist. You see, a person with the right math-deficient-personality-disorder (MDPD) must run the CBO, a person that has the ability to present the “right” kind of numbers each month. Of course, you might as well ask the CBO to find a unicorn, because conservative economic theories reside wholly in the fairy realms—wait, I’m being told they banished all fairies. FAGS DOOM NATIONS!

“Few economic theories have been as thoroughly tested in the real world as supply-side economics, and so notoriously failed.”

—Robert Reich

Reich’s take here.

[“Reich’s third joke” joke omitted by the editor]

From day one:

The anti-apology tour would begin in earnest. The president would dash from country to country in an effort to remind leaders how:

“We’re really not sorry for anything—that was just the black guy talking—and those U.N. rules and global standards are really for other countries—those not deemed number one and who act like number two.”

—John Q. Republican

Meetings with other world leaders would become surreal as other parts of the globe aren’t really privy to the whole Fox News alternate universe thing (FNAUT). This will likely come as a great surprise to President John Q., who doesn’t understand why everyone doesn’t thank America, regardless of its actions, or recent policies, or inability to adhere to international law. In response, our new president would start saber rattling at all of the petty dictators all around the globe, from Putin to Borat.

For Phase Two they would initiate Operation: Enduring Erection by proceeding to blow the shit out of lots of stuff, fairly randomly at first, until some annoyed factions initiate a coordinated response, thus forming actual targets. All this military action would occur while taxes magically go down. It’s a secret strategy republicans like to call, Fuck the Global Economy. Soon, the Defense Secretary would be fired and then so would his replacement, as these unnecessary wars just “don’t seem to be accomplishing the desired results.”

“I had to start these wars without congressional approval as Post-Obama the world no longer takes America seriously. For proof, see related Breitbart.com link, here.”

—John Q. Republican

This will all go over very well and make the world safer for Democracy…at least in a hundred years or so when radiation levels subside.

From day one:

John Q. would put tremendous pressures on the Mayor of New York City to jack rents so high that the United Nations would be forced to move to New Jersey, where Chris Christie could then close all the bridges, forever trapping the entire building in East Orange, all during Operation: Bolton Lightening.

From day one:

The president will cosign all techniques utilized by our police and military, even the parts that strangle unarmed people in the streets—especially those. They will then continue to strip anyone deemed wrong of their rights and will then strip them of their clothing.

“Then we will commence with the torturing for Jesus.”

—John Q. Republican

P.S. Habeas corpus? That’s Latin, which is all Greek to me.

The police state will jump back into gear as every sneeze from across the pond will be translated as an imminent threat. Then, the most incarceration happy country in the world will open even more private prisons to house all the different-looking-folks (DLFs) because:

“The incarcerated market works! Uh, for those few left outside.”

—John Q. Republican

President John Q. would then further expand NSA and the CIA while pulling back any and all oversight. All in the name of Freedom!

From day one:

The president would initiate a slew of Real Benghazi investigations—you know, now that we’ve gotten all that preliminary nonsensical stuff out of the way. This round our republican friend would start asking the right questions about those who died tragically on the real 9/11 because Obama hates America.

From day one:

Our republican president would fix the educational system. No Child Left Behind would then be expanded to rocks and other inanimate objects so we can all wait for Johnny and his pet rock to overcome his fetal meth addiction. (Actually I blame liberals for this one too). I say we gut our educational system like a fish and start from scratch.

“Once the new republican budget is passed, children from sea to shining sea will have the choice to pick themselves up by their bootstraps, or be beaten with them. Oh, and I’m being told the shining sea part is due to rising mercury levels.”

—John Q. Republican, Education Czar

So what’s the worst that could happen with a republican president in 2016? Best case scenario, another global economic collapse and the worst case scenario, WWIII. None of our savvy Foxeteers really remember how the Bush Administration came very close to coordinating with Israel to bomb Iranian nuclear facilities. Hell, the lessons from the last news cycle seem beyond them. Oh, wait, those are called talking points and they do seem to remember all of those.

President John Q. Republican would likely be even more delusional than our last president, as that’s the current GOP trend. Armed with a fixed belief that America can do no wrong and how, despite not winning any wars since WWII, we can’t possibly lose any. And how gutting all taxes will somehow spur growth, or as I like to call it “a depression.” Frankly, I think avoiding the next collapse will be difficult enough for a Dem. In short, a republican president operating from a delusional ideology will be a complete fiasco. You can bank on that—wait, I’m being told those will collapse too.

by Mick Zano • December 25, 2014

Someone recently asked me, “Why do you have such a visceral response toward people who simply have a different view than yours?” I responded, “Visceral response?” and then proceeded to throw up on her shoes. It’s not the views, it’s not even the disturbingly low levels of consciousness involved, it’s how fear and propaganda are being used in a coordinated way to warp reality itself. There’s no better example than the Affordable Care Act, which is known to conservatives as Obama’s End of Freedom Initiative.

I admit I initially had my own concerns about another large beauoracracy as well as the constitutionality of the individual mandate. In a new spirit of bi-partisanship Waldman has a novel solution:

“What if Republicans agree to pass a technical fix to address what it essentially a typo in the ACA, one that threatens to take insurance from millions of middle-class Americans, and in exchange, Democrats agree to repeal the ACA’s employer mandate? Everybody would win.”

—Paul Waldman

So the Dems get forgiveness on an obvious typo within the law itself and republicans would remove their most hated feature. They really hate the individual mandate. Personal responsibility is suddenly very unpopular with the personal responsibility party. Makes sense. Pokey McDooris and I both had reservations since the beginning about this part of the gig, but how much lost revenue are we talking about if we ax the mandate? Waldman says it varies widely from $46 billion over ten years (The Urban Institute) to $149 billion (The Rand Corporation).

I don’t think we need to worry too much about how to keep the ACA viable minus the mandate, after all, this is fantasy. Republicans aren’t going to compromise, lest we forget they’re batshit. They want to rip the Affordable Care Act up by its roots, even though it’s working fine and people generally approve of all of its individual components.

Republicans are all-or-none thinkers, minus any actual thinking. For them, Obamacare remains the end of freedom because Fox said so. Congress has always had the chance to fix the law and they have been encouraged to do so, but this is no longer a functional party—a point I may have mentioned before.

Meanwhile, the law is exceeding expectations on every indicator. The Urban Institute just found how the number of uninsured have dropped by an astounding 30 percent. The law has lowered the overall cost of healthcare significantly, here, and hospital errors are way down, here.

And:

“Obamacare is based on an old Republican plan, developed by the Heritage Foundation and first tried by Mitt Romney, whose central feature was market competition. This dynamic has worked better than expected.”

Who knew the Heritage Foundation could be right about something? All four of these indicators as well as the quote were snagged from a Chait article over at The Daily Intelligencer, here. All of this good news is prompting some to ask, Obamacare: great law or greatest law?

It’s worth noting how astoundingly wrong republicans were on this topic. Okay, no it’s isn’t (See: any issue in the 21^st century). So the “deeply flawed” Affordable Care Act is exceeding all expectations in all areas. Amidst the botched rollout of 2013, the law’s darkest hour, here’s a certain spoof news guy’s take:

“My reasons for going out on a limb again (predicting the ACA will eventually work):

1. The GOP thinks Obamacare is doomed, but their uncanny ability to always get things wrong should not be underestimated.

2. None of these larger social programs were ever rolled out smoothly, but they tend to get fixed, at least historically speaking.

3. Frankly, it has to work. There’s too much riding on it. I would not use the word frankly otherwise. Frankly, I hate that word.”

—Mick Zano

Pokey McDooris recently admonished me for giving Obama a free a pass, especially on Obama’s “you can keep your plan” comment, but this is what I said at the time:

“When Obama said people could keep their existing policies…umm, there’s no defense for that statement. He lied. I can’t defend the indefensible. That’s a Foxeteer’s job.”

—Mick Zano, Obama defender

And this was one of my jokes about the botched rollout:

Is Rocky the Rollout Rodent Helping or Hurting Obamacare?

Will a congressional hearing determine the whereabouts of Glitchy the Death Panel Pigeon?

This somehow equates to a free pass. But despite the ACA’s long list of successes, why do so many people still despise the thing? It’s bullshit, stupid. A Stanford Study suggests those who understand the law better like it better. Imagine that. Knowing stuff apparently matters.

“Democrats understood the most and liked the law the most, independents less, and Republicans understood still less and liked the law the least. However, attitudes were not just tribal. Within each party, the more accurate your knowledge of the law, the more you liked it.”

—A bunch of Stanford people

On a related note: the more you know, the less likely you’re a republican. Let’s face it, republicans don’t know dick.

[Cheney joke omitted by the editor]

In a recent breakdown of the truthiness in the media, Fox News rated the worst, here, with an astounding 50% of their comments rating as false or mostly false. This same author commented on a Fairleigh Dickenson survey that suggests Fox News viewers have less knowledge of this planet than people living in caves:

“How do Fox News viewers know less than people who literally don’t know anything about current events? If you would allow me to hazard a guess, it could be because unlike people who didn’t bother to watch any news programs, Fox viewers thought they were watching informational content – instead they were being lied to under a carefully constructed veneer of responsible journalism.”

—Jameson Parker

I call bullshit! “A carefully constructed veneer of responsible journalism?” Have you watched Fox News, sir? Yes, a number of studies are suggesting Fox will shave off IQ points, but that’s not news…in fact, neither are they. Yet the Fox Effect has convinced a ton of people—many who actually like the ACA—that they really don’t. This is how each individual component of the ACA polls very highly and yet half the country still rails against the overall law. Strong work.

The problem is not just that conservatives watch opinion-based programming in the guise of news, it’s that they are always on the wrong side of any given issue. It’s uncanny. Is anyone counting how many things they get wrong? Oh, right, I am.

1. Invading Iraq was a good idea. No it wasn’t.

2. We don’t torture. Yes we do.

3. The stimulus didn’t work. Yes it did.

4. Trickledown economics works. Actually, nowhere on Earth (throughout history).

5. Obamacare will end the world. No, and it’s exceeding all expectations.

6. Climate change isn’t happening. Yes, it is, and man is influencing it (or 0 for 2).

7. Obama botched Syria. All WMDs handed over by Assad (no deaths)

8. Putin’s Crimean move was a good one. No it wasn’t (see: Russian collapse of 2015).

9. Obama has a series of major scandals. Zero, actually.

10. Obama is the worst president in history. Uh, you’re thinking of Bush.

11. Sanjaya won American Idol in 2007. No he didn’t.

Okay, to be fair, I got one of these wrong, but I STILL BELIEVE SANJAYA!

I predicted everything on that list (screw the linking today). Most of these are closed cases, yet Republicans will still argue many of these points. Someone once said, “What does it say about a movement whose brightest ‘stars’ are the dimmest bulbs?” This is key. Your important movement just can’t seem to find the right person to articulate your views, huh? Republicana is just lacking that champion who can turn every issue over to the win column, eh? What exactly is in your win column anyway? When I ask this question I never seem to get an actual answer. This list of atrocities doesn’t start here, it starts with republicans being against the revolution and their keen insights continue when they voted against Medicare, Social Security, women’s suffrage, civil rights, abolition, etc, etc and so forth. It’s an astounding record, one worth breaking over one’s knee.

With the economy finally firing on all cylinders and the ACA kicking some ass and then healing said ass, it’s no wonder so many Dems are now jobless. Makes sense…well, if you are forced to live in this alternate universe with the rest of the Foxlodytes.

by Mick Zano • December 20, 2014

If you missed the first part of the deboc…er, the debate, check it out here.

Here are my closing arguments on the Ferguson phenomenon, as well as the media’s constant ideologically-driven themes. I agreed with Pokey’s assessment of Al Sharpton and I condemned MSNBC for its recent ideological spike on the Fox shit-o-meter. But not all wrongdoing across our nation can, nor should be pinned on our president. We also disagree on the basic premise of which political party will lead to our demise. To me, Benghazi and Ferguson are still feeble attempts by conservatives to pin the fail on the donkey.

I listened to many of Obama’s reactions to allegations of police brutality and his speeches have struck the right chord between police and black communities, who are not exactly feeling the love right now.

“I think most of the people protesting out there are doing it peacefully and most cops are just out there doing their jobs.”

—Barack Obama, mob inciter

…IMPEACH!

You claim to be a truth seeker, Pokey, yet you back a political party so denial-driven they couldn’t identify reality if it wrestled them to the ground in a chokehold. We live in a white privilege world, which has consequences for those subjected to trauma—cultural, socioeconomic, racial, or otherwise. Does that mean we should ignore the details of any case? I’ve never condoned that, thus your inability to find any real examples in my posts. And whereas I agree with you in some of your assessments of the media’s handling of these incidents, you continually ignore the massive failures on the right. Sorry, Fox News drew first flub. I’m not giving MSNBC a free pass, in fact, I’ve turned it off.

When those oppressed try to reach for some justice, it may not always be pretty, or precise. See: Woodstock. But sometimes we must embrace the naked, muddy hippies of freedom! You continue to conflate my views with that of Al Sharpton’s. Initially, I stayed out of Ferguson and trusted in the system, until the Cleveland and the Garner videos surfaced. If the black community got the Michael Brown premise wrong—which I’ve always felt—it changes nothing when the default of our system remains:

Guilty or Not Guilty = The Police Officer is Exonerated

The system is failing to protect its citizens. How many police officers get indicted for such wrong doing? That’s the issue. Meanwhile, your criticism of Obama in this matter is overinflated. When Obama said, “He (Trayvon Martin) could have been my son,” our president was a expressing a genuine human emotion, in real time (before the facts were even in).

“Showing feelings of an almost human nature. This will not do.”

—Pink Floyd

Tear down the wall! Tear down the wall!!

Meanwhile, Republicans forever wax nostalgic for a world tilted clearly in their favor. They are hopeless romantics, who harken back to the ‘50s so they can beat their wives and their children and command so many servants that Mexican landscapers are superfluous.

We have made progress on race and inequality, but there’s much more to be done. Cultural or incident-specific-trauma has a real impact on the brain’s development as well as a given individual’s economic opportunities. Those traumatized, societal or individual, don’t always recall the facts perfectly—just as Jackie over at U of V can attest. This may not be the prettiest of movements, but one day it will yield justice.

Wanna hear a crazy conspiracy theory that actually makes sense?

“Bush’s answer to our educational failings was No Child Left Behind, which was all part of a plan to make us all so ill-informed we would one day elect his brother.”

—Mick Zano

Now that’s a valid conspiracy theory, at least comparatively. Shit isn’t fair and, within the growing disparity of super capitalism, even those in the middle class are finding fewer doors to prosperity. This is all part of the Republican’s plan to shift all of our country’s assets into the hands of a few well-deserving white folks (WDWF).

The juxtaposition:

On the VERY DAY of our email exchange we find out the CIA brutality tortured and lied about it and you harp on this—and on the wrong side of this. You even defend the CIA Torture Report as a “distraction.” I chose no sides on this rash of police incidents until the Garner video surfaced and, yet, in light of this you still deny any systemic issues? The only charges pressed in Garner’s death was the guy holding the camera. If that doesn’t piss you off, I don’t know what—oh, who am I kidding, BENGHAZI!! Speaking of distractions.

As for torture, many on the right (present debater excluded), don’t even understand why “drowning the towel heads” is an issue. Just as more folks on the right support “torturing for Jesus.” Yes, condoning such abuses is on the upswing, here. This moral decay on the right is the issue, not the left’s rally cry for equality. Torture is a trend even more disturbing when one considers 26 of those (some American citizens) were detained wrongly and yet we gained no actionable intelligence. Cheney keeps mentioning this L.A. threat as his only defense, which is another lie, here. This is not nuance, this is HUGE. But, again, sorry for that shop window Obama is partially responsible for in Ferguson. And a thousand pardons for that court testimony of Michael Brown’s friend, who had direct coaching from the Obama Administration, per the IRS’s missing emails smuggled over the border during Fast & Furious ….BENGHAZI!!!

I guess if you can’t find anything, dig deeper. Where there’s no smoke, there’s an embassy fire. When Bush stepped down and said history would likely equate him to Truman, I thought, what an astoundingly delusional statement. Similarly I know history will not judge Obama as harshly as you and your friend’s on the right would like, because hatred toward our president is primarily ideologically driven. When I see a guy who both avoided WWIII and saved the global economy during the onset of his tenor, I can still muster some scant gratitude.

Some of your points are valid—trivial and sad—but valid. Sorry, but not everyone who acts poorly in the face of inequality can be linked to Obama. Cheney will walk for his secret prisons, his torture, and his lying us into war but please indict that person who testified for Michael Brown as she was not, “Tell’n dat twooth to whitey.” It wasn’t Buckwheat, it was Spanky in the Observatory with Officer Mustard gas, aka cop a Clue, Alfalfa.

We officially live in two realities. Both sides paint two different pictures of any given event, issue, or policy. We are polarized, perhaps beyond repair. I predominantly blame Republicans for this reality and I assign this blame based on something I like to call facts. Obama isn’t fomenting this; he’s shown tremendous restraint in the face of ignorance. Liberal paintings, at least for the moment, still borrow some aspects from realism, while Republicans primarily draw their inspiration directly from some avant-garde, sniffing glue branch of surrealism.

Racial injustice needs to be addressed, I just encourage black communities and leaders to pick the right battles and the right champion for their cause—which is the heart of your argument. If you want to see real spin, turn on Fox News. There you will see how truth is being beaten, each and every news cycle, into submission. You have found a couple of narratives you don’t fully endorse while I maintain the entirety of Republicana is a farce.

More juxtaposition:

As Pokey paints this picture of a president intentionally seeding racial tensions—to which there is little proof—today my Senators in Arizona said, “We don’t need any more clean water. You want clean water buy a Brita” (paraphrased). Senator John McCain (R) and Senator Jeff Flake (R), TODAY, voted against the Clean Water Act, saying,

“There’s no peer-reviewed research to support this unwanted piece of government over-regulation.”

—Jeff Flake (R)

By none, of course, he means there’s over a thousand peer-reviewed studies (per NPR). That is an example of a lie, and a potentially consequential one at that. We are destroying our water supplies and our planet. Climate change is real and is impacted by man. Republicans are lying about this and get a free pass, but God forbid liberals address racial inequality in an imperfect manner. But Obama should fix that window in Ferguson. I could self-harm with those pointy shards.

These types of lies go on every day on the right and—the Torture Report and this clean water thingie are happening right now. The connection to these and Republican legislation is direct and damning, not hazy and conspiratorial. Obama’s atrocities are, for the most part, hyperbole and delusion wrapped in propaganda, per those IRS emails we never saw during that Benghazi testimony.

Even more juxtaposition:

Let’s revisit McDooris’s main beefs with Obama over his six year tenor, which he believes will eventually encroach on our freedoms:

Obamacare:

Pokey: “You can keep your doctor.”

Zano: Admittedly, this was Obama’s worst blunder to date, yet it still rang true for an estimated 96% of Americans, most of which we never tortured. Of course, the argument now is Obamacare a good law or a great one, here. Yea, accomplishing everything it set out to do is tragic.

Immigration Reform

Pokey: “It’s just for the hardworking immigrants who have been here for five years.”

Zano: …which it is (See: Law).

Clean Coal:

Pokey: “We’ll just regulate coal.”

Zano: True! Get honest, Obama! Coal needs to go NOW! Stop placating these bastards!

The 2^nd Amendment

Pokey: “It will start as sensible background checks.”

Zano: Our 2^nd Amendment rights will always exist in America, perhaps to a fault (See: Obama’s lack of balls in this area). Meanwhile, 90% of those polled agree with the idea of sensible background checks, but thankfully this is an aristocracy.

This is Pokey’s list of Obama’s worst deeds and yet the CIA Torture Report was released this week. As I attempted to review Bush’s actual atrocities during this rebuttal, Mr. Winslow warned me about the lack of available server space. Ultimately this torture logic is the best example. So the shit I was shouting about in pubs and coffee shops with you over a decade ago turned out to be true and, likewise, the radical decent of one of our political parties will also eventually be common knowledge. Yes, the blame will land on Republicans—where it belongs. As for the “common knowledge” you are endorsing: it may be common, but knowledge has nothing to do with it.

I shouted for investigations from the beginning on torture and we find out yesterday it was widespread, egregious, and yielded no actionable intelligence. Yet you got every investigatory committee you wanted for Christmas on Benghazi and…I want my friggin’ money back!

“Some things are ideologically driven on the left, but EVERYTHING is ideologically driven on the right and when I say Republican driven, I’m thinking Captain Ahab with ‘roid rage.”

—Mick Zano

When all is said done, Bush should hang and, sadly, when the next Republican president is elected we will look back to that asshole fondly. That is a prediction you can bank on. Oh, wait I’m being told those will collapse. Everything else you’re harping about seems to pale in comparison to the real issues of our time. We both agree on the danger of the expansion of executive power but there will always be these quantum executive power leaps under Republicans—well, if history is any judge. And, as violent crime stats plummet, we decided to turn our police stations into paramilitary operations, after the fact. This has only increased instances of police brutality and racial tension. Al Sharpton may not be the solution, but either is Ted Cruz. Maybe the whole system is to blame, but the origins of most wrongdoing always seem Republican in nature. They end up trashing the law that allows the abuse to occur in the first place. Then, on a rare occasion when a Dem tries to create a law to fix an existing abuse, Congress won’t even vote on it!

If you continue to drink the Republican Kool-Aid, you will always find yourself barking up the wrong scandal. Sorry, but our Republicans’ place in history is already reserved. Hint of the Day:

“History will forever place a crescent moon on the door of that shit-shack called The Grand Old Party.”

—Mick Zano

Sorry, I did not mean to offend. Please edit out Christmas and replace with Festivus. Thank you.