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All Your Marijuana Predictions Are Going to Pot

Mick Zano

The War on Drugs is ending but not fast enough. Why does it take so long to end republican policies? …uh, maybe because we keep voting for these jokers. Sorry Matt Drudge, but highlighting every pot-related incident from Legalandia will not change the overall trends, namely that the economies of those states are improving as overall crime levels and use-rates plateau. On a related note, why is the half-life of all of our right-wing bullshit greater than Plutonium? AM Radio Isodopes?

Here’s another issue wherein logic seems to elude our conservative friends. Former drug czar Bill Bennett is certainly one of the reasons for these Lingering Drug Misnomers (LDMs). I listened to his whole horrible interview the other day. Oh, and with both LSD and LDMs give yourself about 12 hours to recover. And ask your doctor if living in an alternate reality without hallucinogens is right for you.

Promoting decriminalization doesn’t necessarily mean you condone use; it means you’re simply not as clueless as our republican friends. Many progressives understand the basic premise that education, prevention and treatment are much more effective than this whole knocking-down-doors-fascist approach. Four dead by Ar-pai-o. How many more! Sorry.

What shocked me is how this supposed expert talked for nearly an hour without even accidentally making a valid point. Bennett got his name right, but he really should have stopped there. It was a shocking interview for anyone with even a rudimentary understanding of addiction. And this guy was a drug czar for nearly a decade! What next, Ted Cruz heading NASA? Oh…

Bennett was basically going on about how under his draconian policies in the 80s drug use decreased. And how we can have ongoing success with the War on Drugs, one home invasion at a time. I think the estimated cost of breaking into every house with a pot seed would likely surpass the price tag on Ted Cruz’s ‘Space Fence’, here. Yeah, I don’t remember anyone using drugs in the 80s. Strong work, Elliot Mess.

During the interview his major points were A. Everything must remain illegal or all children will become hooked, B. Pot is very dangerous, and C. Pot is a gateway drug. Who still believes these fairytales? The Brothers Dim? Here’s what happened after the decriminalization of pot in California in 2010:

“Since the law passed in 2010, the rate of both high school dropouts and youth drug overdoses are down by 20 percent, according to a new research report from the Center on Juvenile and Criminal Justice. Non–marijuana drug arrests for California youth, meanwhile, are also down 23 percent – fully debunking the gateway theory.”

Tim Dickinson, Rolling Stone

It harkens back to one of my major themes on The Discord, whatever republicans think will happen, you can bank on the opposite. It works every time. Bennett also talked about pot-related IQ loss, which is also totally unsubstantiated. The last thing someone on the right should be even discussing is IQ loss as Fox News probably does far more damage to the brain than any illicit substance.

Bennett perseverated on the dangerousness of marijuana and avoided the only accurate fact that it may well be harmful to children. He then talked about the potency being so much stronger these days, which for me evokes a hardy so what? Grain alcohol exists, I prefer beer. We are growing better marijuana, but people will use what they need to get the desired effect. Duh. The biggest bout of denial came in the form of this paraphrased bit:

“How could anyone want this dangerous substance more available in our communities and more of it in the hands of our children!”

—Bill Bennett

Nobody wants that, Bill. It doesn’t change the fact that if we shift our efforts to prevention and treatment there would be less use in the long run. But why wait until that happens? One legalized state is seeing a drop in teen use already, here.

Republicans like Bennett always act as if the War on Drugs has been effective, which is a belief that rivals, well, any of their other false beliefs.

 “The ‘war on drugs’ has been an abject failure and a shameful and scandalous waste of public money. Indeed it is well known, and not disputed, that the very societies that attempt most vigorously to suppress illegal drugs, and in which users are subject to the most stringent penalties, have seen a vast and continuous increase in the per capita consumption of these drugs.”

—Graham Hancock

How do they avoid all of the facts, every flippin’ time, on every flippin’ issue?! If increasing use and availability were the goals of the War on Drugs, then it was a resounding success. I am not advocating for pot use, nor am I a user, but nothing the right preaches about drug addiction has any relevance to this dimensional plane of existence. How long will this bigotry and ignorance rule the day? Sadly, I believe these lingering falsehoods will continue to cloud this topic for years to come. Cough.

Plague Outbreak Slows Down Discord Production

Plague Outbreak Slows Down Discord Production
Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—The Daily Discord film crew was forced to push back the start date of their soon to be Oscar nominated epic “Belch of the Mogollon Monster.” The latest S.T.Q. blockbuster was slated to be filmed on location in scenic Picture Canyon, conveniently located just outside of Flagstaff, but less than a week before the shoot the site was closed due to an infestation of plague-bearing fleas.

The Discord’s writer, editor, actor, producer, stage hand, prop boy, bar back, driver, and animal trainer, Zano, had this to say: “This is obviously a government plot, which means we are getting close to the truth. What is in Picture Canyon that they don’t want us to see? What secrets are they worried that we will uncover? Oh, and what time is it? Cokie asked me to pick up her dry cleaning.”

Alex Bone, the Discord’s Senior Camping Correspondent, towel boy, and Yig advocate added, “This isn’t going to help us either professionally or personally. Most of us are homeless and needed to camp in the Canyon just to make sure we were there on time. Zano didn’t even want to tell us about the plague and we only found out about the shutdown while we were on a beer run. He wants to start the filming again tomorrow, but I can’t get out of my wet sleeping bag and my body is now covered with purple growths the size of goose eggs. This time they aren’t hickies, honey, honest!”

Cameraman Greg was heard saying. “I wish I had known too. I parked my ride there and the plague infested prairie dogs must have mutated somehow, because they drove away with my car. I found it trashed downtown and the cops told me they had what the kids are calling a Plague Party, which is where the young prairie dogs have fleas bite them until they catch the ‘Black Buzz.’ Then they vomit and crap everywhere, just like Bone. They shit all over my Karman Ghia. Looks like I’ll be sleeping on the broken folding chair in Ballz’ basement again.”

Zano tried to plead with Winslow for more funding for the project, but was told that if he already spent the fifteen dollars allocated for the three month project on beer then he was shit out of luck. After sending photos of our plague infested bodies, Winslow suggested we shoot a zombie movie instead, adding, “Think of the money we’ll save on makeup, Zano!”

We also learned too late that passing around joints and bottles of tequila when some of the people in the room have the Black Plague is a bad idea as well. As we all laid on the floor of the Man Cave counting our black plague boils we were informed by Ballz’ mother that it was time to leave. Stricken and homeless and losing limbs, we hit the streets.

What do you call a punk rocker without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

What do you call a punker rocker without a girlfriend who has the plague?

Gutter Goo.

The show must go on so Belch of the Mogollon Monster will be filmed later this month near Sunset Crater. It will star all of the survivors. It doesn’t help that Winslow pulled our health insurance this year, the bastard.

The GOP: Insight Out

Mick Zano

Have you noticed how our republican friends feel increasingly vindicated lately? No matter what each news cycle brings, it will only confirm their suspicions. Instead of countering all of their “points”, it might be easier to just watch Fox News backwards. Barack Sabbath? Kidding, watching Fox backwards spells !izahgneB.

Their constant barrage of unhinged Told Ya Sos bear further scrutiny as do most of the false assumptions that conservatives built an entire political party on:

GOP Assumption #1: Obamacare will destroy America!

Fact: It’s doing better than expected on all major indicators, here. And yet latest polls show only 8% of Americans understand how the ACA’s price tag is currently under estimated costs, here. Fox News must have eaten its Wheaties this morning. Over-deceiving?

Keeping premiums down will be an ongoing challenge, however, especially when half our politicians and judges are actively trying to derail the thing.  Loco-Motive Breath?

GOP Assumption #2: Obama is the worst president ever!

Fact: The jury isn’t out yet, but Obama will likely rank somewhere around Lord Reagan. I have some criticism myself, but as for the worst you’re thinking of Bush. Kidding! The worst will be the next idiot you elect. That’s a prediction you can bank on. Wait, I’m being told those will collapse (much like my ratings after using that joke again).

GOP Assumption #3: Obama failed our economy! We could be doing much better!

Fact: Since 2008 the U.S. has had the strongest recovery in the West and, per Forbes, Obama surpassed Reagan on every major economic indicator known to man. So maybe he should be ranked higher, eh? I mean, Reagan did sell arms to Iran illegally and now our generals believe Shiite groups are our biggest long term problem, here. Benedict Ronald?

Fun Fact: The folks primarily responsible for those lost wars, those economic collapses, and our environmental woes have all the guns and the bunkers. Maybe there is a method to their ineptness.

GOP Assumption #4: Obama lost the Middle East!

Fact: It’s been a shit-show for a 1,000 plus years and it will likely be a shit-show for another 1,000—much like The GOP. Where are the viable solutions, save bombing and proselytizing? We’ve tried those for a long time, Pokey. How about we just arm Bibles with nuclear warheads? The Gospel of Nuke: Chapter Boom? Blessed are the mutants.

GOP Assumption #5: No bargaining with Iran!

Fact: Could Netanyahu’s warning be accurate? Any course we choose is fraught with risk and danger. It’s simply not insightful to say that bad things might happen and not offer any viable alternatives. The blithering obvious is not insightful. If the international community can ensure that no enriched uranium can be smuggled out and no bombs can be made, this could yet be an historic agreement—as opposed to republican interventions which are historically catastrophic. My solution to Iran’s nuclear program is awesome, here.

That’s all I can fit today. I can’t fit Trickle Down economics or a flat tax—like total particle reversal, those sound pretty cool until implemented. I see little to no insight on the right side of the aisle.

Or:

Meanwhile, of the ten major concerns our country and our species face, republicans are only permitted to discuss these two:

1. Our Staggeringly High Deficit:

The largest long term bill from the collapse of 2008 was not the housing market, it was putting two wars on the credit card while cutting taxes to the rich. Essentially we borrowed 6-trillion from China to create ISIS. Winning!

2. Muslim Terrorism:

Republicans fomented extremism through losing two wars …cutting taxes, well, you get the idea. Oh wait, you don’t. Anyone want to start a war with Iran for the low low price of 8-trillion? Hey, maybe by destabilizing Iran we can create another Shiite radical group to fight ISIS. Operation Christ Hammer?

Sure it will be bloody awful, Pokey, but I’m hoping this Muslim Spring will eventually lead to a Muslim Reformation. You are banking on a Holy War that will eventually lead to a nuclear winter.

It’s shocking what passes for conservative insight these days:

Black people sometimes commit crimes!

White guys are reverse-discriminated against too…albeit occasionally!

Radical Muslims are prone to blow shit up!

Government programs can be overly bureaucratic and costly!

Impressive list. Sure we have problems, but stop hastening them in the name of your profit and your prophet, and try to understand your part in our collective demise. What the hell has Jesus got to do with the Republican Party anyway? Good Black Friday? Like it or not, as resources become scarcer on this planet a society solely driven by consumerism will become increasingly absurd. That doesn’t mean I hate capitalism, it means I like to breathe. I don’t have it out for entrepreneurs, I just don’t have your aversion to facts.

Republicans don’t understand the vast majority of the issues of our time and the two they do acknowledge they either caused or exacerbated.

Cosby’s Giving Me a Woody

Tony Ballz

With all the hoo-ha surrounding the Bill Cosby’s recent allegations, this seems like a good time to talk about Woody Allen. Whenever the media needs an easy punchline for a child molestation joke (always in good taste), they inevitably turn to Woody Allen. Countless blogs and entertainment outlets love to dribble on about the “sick” relationship between the film director and the much younger Soon-Yi Previn, his ex-lover’s adopted daughter, aka “that poor girl.”

What poor girl? You mean his WIFE, the woman he’s dated for 24 years and been married to for 18? The woman he has two adopted children with? THAT poor girl? The one who’s 45 years old?

Time for some background. In 1966, soap opera actress Mia Farrow (age 21) married singer Frank Sinatra (age 50). Farrow quit acting to be Sinatra’s hausfrau, on his insistence. The next year, after a bored Farrow accepted the lead in Rosemary’s Baby, Sinatra filed for divorce. The movie made her a star.

In 1970, Mia Farrow (age 25) became pregnant by conductor Andre Previn (age 41), who left his wife to marry her. Before their divorce in 1979, the couple had three children and adopted two more, including Soon-Yi, a Korean orphan whose birthdate was estimated to be around 1970.

In 1980, Mia Farrow began a relationship with Woody Allen, who put her in twelve of his films. The couple never married or lived together. They had one child and adopted two. Farrow has admitted there is a good chance the father of their “biological” son is actually Frank Sinatra, whom Farrow had sporadic affairs with in the years following their divorce. If this is true, it places Farrow at age 42 and Sinatra at 71 at the time of conception.

In 1991, Mia Farrow discovered that Woody Allen (age 56) was having an affair with Soon-Yi, then 21 and living by herself. And the shit-slinging began. Woody Allen says that he never had amorous feelings toward Soon-Yi until she initiated their relationship by sending him nude photos in 1991.

FACT: Soon-Yi Previn is not Woody Allen’s adopted daughter. Soon-Yi has stated that her “Dad” is Andre Previn and that Woody was never a father figure to her, just Mom’s boyfriend.

FACT: Before 1992, Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn did not live under the same roof at any time. After her parents’ divorce, Soon-Yi stayed with her Dad. Allen and Farrow never co-habitated.

These two facts blow all the “Creepy Stepfather Molesting His Adopted Daughter” or “Old Pervert Selects His Child Bride” (“yeah, her over there, the cute one”) nonsense out the window.

Here’s a question no one can seem to answer: If Woody and Soon-Yi’s relationship is so sick … Why are they still together? Why hasn’t she wised up and left him yet? She isn’t stupid; she was taking college courses in her early teens and speaks better English than you or I do. She’s not in an Ike-and-Tina or Phil-and-Ronnie situation where Woody keeps her imprisoned in a tower like Rapunzel.

Have you seen pictures of them? Soon-Yi Previn is a big robust Korean woman in her 40s and Woody Allen is a 79 year old Jewish man around 4’1 who looks like he weighs about as much as her shoes. She could easily push him over and run away. Hell, she could sneeze in his direction and the force would probably kill him.

Does he have her permanently hypnotized? Maybe a voodoo curse? Some sort of mesmerism? Funny, I don’t see any armed thugs surrounding her in any of those pictures.

I mean, just LOOK at them! What possible attraction could there be? Why is she even with him?

I don’t know, maybe because he’s WOODY ALLEN? Maybe because he’s rich and famous and respected all over the world and charming and funny and intelligent and stable and plays the clarinet and works with top Hollywood stars and doesn’t drink and doesn’t take drugs and doesn’t cheat on her and doesn’t mentally or physically abuse her or their children? Ya think?

And maybe because he made Annie Hall and Manhattan and The Purple Rose Of Cairo and Sleeper and Crimes And Misdemeanors and Radio Days and Zelig and Broadway Danny Rose and Hannah And Her Sisters and Bananas and Love and Death and Play It Again Sam and Shadows and Fog and Stardust Memories? Ya think?

Maybe she LOVES him? A lady who finds a man with the above resume can easily overlook any shortcomings (pun) he may have in the looks department. Shit, I almost want to schtup the little guy now.

Recently, one of Allen’s and Farrow’s adopted children claimed that Woody had sexually abused her. The case was thrown out after a court-appointed psychiatrist testified that she was either delusional or coerced.

If Woody Allen is a pedophile, why the hell is he happily married to a 45 year old woman?

Dear GOP, What Is Your Infatuation With People Who Are Always Wrong?

Mick Zano

Doesn’t cognitive dissonance eventually reach some saturation level? If fed enough conflicting data doesn’t the frontal lobe eventually deflate or something? Neuralflacidity? I know conservatives get an unhealthy dose of spin, but eventually the dust settles and we discover what actually happened. And it’s never what they thought.  For some reason I was reading the Weekly Standard the other day and it struck me, the Standard is the brain-trust of the right, right? Yet who in their right mind would trust their brainlessness? Sorry, it’s the neuralflacidity talking.

Bill never-right Krystol is calling for the dismantling of the Iran deal and he thinks he has the plan and the prowess to help republicans accomplish this important patriotic feat. And by patriotic, of course, I mean treasonous.

“The best chance is to prevent a final deal from being signed on June 30. And the best way to do that is to spend the next 80 days pulling on the loose threads and poking at the fraying parts of the framework announced last week in Lausanne. We can heighten the contradictions, exacerbate the tensions, make unacceptable the ambiguities, and thus tempt the Iranians to decide to walk away.”

William Krystol

If Iran chooses not to play ball with the international community it may result in increased sanctions and or bombings. Granted the Ayatollah is a nut, but he alone has the power to make or break this deal. This has always been a long shot, but it should not be purposefully undone—especially by a republican pundit with a track record that makes Greece’s economic minister seem insightful. I have a lot of doubts and questions about this deal myself, but I commend the attempt. To resort directly to military strikes is insane, even by republican ‘weakly standards’. I am a spoof news guy and if I had Krystol’s record I would break said record over my knee and throw it out the nearest window. The Vinyl Solution?

Right now our own Congress is undermining the entire foreign policy of a sitting president. It’s not as if they have some viable solution they’re chomping at the bit to implement. Juan Cole has our grim Iran war prospects, here. They have nothing, or:

“Same as it ever was.”

—David Byrne

In their defense, it must be difficult to navigate their own self-created Shitlandia. That’s near Barf Harbor, right? The best hope for this incredibly daunting Iran deal is the fact that Krystol and his ilk say it won’t work. That alone should be enough reason to give diplomacy a chance. It’s like that Lennon line, all we are saying is…is give me money, that’s what I want!

I admit what Iranian zealots are saying to their base is disturbing, but is it true? I mean, it’s kind of like the Republican Primaries, all ginned up nationalism and fecal matter. Besides, nearly two thirds of our country would prefer if Congress stayed out of the negotiations, here. Majority polling is usually not my shtick, but republicans are going against the president and the people on this one. Oh, and did I mention their historical track record?! They have balls. No brains, of course, but balls of Adamantium. Speaking of X-Men—

[Chelsea Manning joke removed by the editor]

On a related note, Paul Waldman yanked out an old J.J. Goldberg article. Right before the Iraq War Bush received two visitors from Israel, Ariel Sharon and Benjamin Netanyahu.

Ariel Sharon basically said an Iraq invasion would have three results:

1. Iraq will implode into warring tribes of Sunnis, Shiites and Kurds.

2. You’ll be stuck in an Iraqi quagmire for a decade (boy, was he wrong!).

3. Iran, a far more dangerous player, will be rid of its principal enemy and free to pursue its ambitions of regional hegemony.

*Courtesy of that J.J. Goldberg article

George W. Bush, of course, thought hegemony meant a fund that whether the market went up or down would protect his capital. So he invested—I mean, invaded. But wait, a mere couple of months after Sharon’s visit Benjamin Netanyahu gave Bush the exact opposite advice. “If you take out Saddam’s regime, I guarantee that it will have enormous positive reverberations on the region.”

Wow, I can see why he’s so popular with republicans. All you need to do is always be wrong and you’re the next Fox Prom King (FPK). Oh, and I made the mistake of reading Pokey’s last feature. I’ve already addressed this stuff. Republicans tend to seek out quotes from an ultra-liberal professor, extrapolate said quotes, and then mold them into some widespread conspiracy theory. Rinse, blather, repeat. Again, the trick is not in finding some crazy liberal, it’s finding a sane republican, anywhere.

Hint of the day: You’ll have better luck finding a Yiddish theatre group in Damascus. Pirates of Shvantz?

So where are the republicans who are saying, “Let’s just see what the diplomats come up with?” That’s because, Polls suggest there aren’t any! Why? Because Foxeteers aren’t permitted to stray a micron from any Fox News talking point, or:

Historically Awry yet Always United on the Next Course of Action
Historically Awry yet Always United on the Next Course of Action

Groupstink?

Meanwhile, Pokey, your ilk wants to sabotage the Iran deal before it’s finalized and then end any chance of a Muslim Reformation before it begins via a holy war, wonderful. Essentially your two step solution is 1. Start WWIII and 2. Awaken the Beast from Revelations. How about just swimming around Fukushima for a while until you’re a nice glowy green, and then you can do the Godzilla summoning chant (GSC). My friend Larry can probably show you how, if you buy him a beer.

Hipsters

Tony Ballz

A hipster will put up fliers for his band’s show but the location won’t be on it because if you’re cool enough you’ll know where the show is. When a hipster wants to “rock out”, he’ll put on Franz Ferdinand instead of the Stooges. A hipster will have zero CDs by Elvis Presley, but at least one by ABBA. A hipster always makes sure the lyrics to whatever he’s playing aren’t offensive to his girlfriend, even if he doesn’t have one.

A hipster will dislike something not because of the thing itself, but because of the low coolness level of the people who do like it. Examples:

Heavy metal/hard rock – Metalheads are easy to mock, and no hipster wants to be mistaken for one. A hipster wouldn’t be caught dead listening to Kyuss or The Melvins, but High on Fire and Boris and Sunn O))) and Mastodon are OK (even though they’re all highly derivative of the first two) because they have a little indie sprinkled on them. My Morning Jacket’s music is obviously rooted in 1970’s stadium/Southern rock like Lynyrd Skynyrd (tres unhip) but the group hails from Louisville, which is cool because Slint were from there and Louisville isn’t REALLY the South.

Country – Same as metal. NO hipster wants to be mistaken for a redneck. Outlaw country like Merle Haggard is hip, if only just to have one album prominently displayed that is never listened to and cost a dollar. Johnny Cash is hip because he had a photo taken of him flipping the bird and got busted for drugs and recorded songs by Nick Cave and Danzig, but no one knows who Charlie Rich is.

Hipsters LOVE tortured artists and tragic dead guys. Townes Van Zandt is lionized not only for his spectacular songwriting, but because his life was such a mess. No hipster gives a damn about John Prine because he’s still breathing and there’s not a lot of good stories about how he ruined the lives of his friends and family.

Speaking of dead, Nick Drake’s stuff is nice but it’s barely a pimple compared to the incredible music his buddy John Martyn made in the same time period. Of course, Drake was painfully shy, battled depression, and killed himself at 23 (extremely hip) while Martyn was extroverted, a chipper fellow to the end despite having half a leg amputated, and died of being old (BOR-ing). Nick Drake’s hipness even survived a Volkswagen commercial, but only because he was already dead.

The Fall were probably a better band than Joy Division, but … dead guy. You won’t see a hipster wearing any of The Fall’s LP designs on a t-shirt. The point of a hipster’s t-shirt is to advertise his hipness, not to champion obscure groups that girls don’t care about. That’s the parvenu of record collector scum, who are basically hipsters without sex lives.

It’s hip to like The Beatles, but not their solo stuff. It’s hip to like The Rolling Stones, but only from 1968-1972. It’s hip to like The Beach Boys, but not the cars and surfing songs.

Fifteen years ago, it was the opposite of hip to like Bruce Springsteen. Now it’s the epitome, and so is acting like you knew he was cool all along. I used to dare people I could find a Springsteen song in their CD collection and then make a beeline grab for MTV Unplugged by 10,000 Maniacs (because everybody had it) and point to “Because The Night.”

“Oh, I LOVE that song!”

Maybe I did my little part to make The Boss hip to these cretins. You’re welcome, Bruce.

From Common Core to Common CAIR

Pokey McDooris

There’s been a noticeable change in the content of textbooks used in American public schools in relationship to Islam, Christianity, and Judaism. Over the past twenty years, Islam has been increasingly shown in a positive light, while Christianity and Judaism have been ignored or shown in a negative one. Is this change based on the objective findings of genuine history or on the basis of political pressure? Libviticus?

I think we know the answer to this. Coincidently (or not) the speech of our government leaders have also shown Islam in a more positive light (as a peace-loving religion), while showing Christianity and Judaism in a negative light. Don’t forget about the Crusades, Christian slave owners, and those who cling to God and guns. I “hope” that we can all agree that this “change” in our political dialogue has no basis in honest history but is rather totally due to a twisted version of political correctness.

“I am waging a ‘bloodless’ revolution, promoting world cultures and faiths in America’s classrooms.”

—Shabbir Marsuri (Council of Islamic Education)

“I wouldn’t want to create the impression that I wouldn’t like the government of the U.S. to be Islamic sometime in the future. But I’m not going to do anything violent to promote that. I’m going to do it through education.”

—Ibraham Hooper (of CAIR)

The American Textbook Council, founded in 1989, has studied the issue and concluded that current American textbooks:

1) Intentionally avoid showing Christianity and Judaism in a positive light.

2) Intentionally present disputed definitions and claims as established facts that shine positively on Islam.

3) Ignore or delete facts of history that cause people to view Islam negatively.

5) Avoid conflict and bloodshed in describing Islam’s “migration” into the Mediterranean world.

6) Christian behavior toward Muslims are often referred to as “violent attacks;” Christians themselves are referred to as “invaders;” while Muslim conquests of Europe are called “migrations.”

7) Islam is described as spreading smoothly without conflict, while Christian response to Muslim expansion is described as violent and genocidal.

8) Of course, the word “terrorism” is never used in relationship to Islam.

John Wood, a parent of an 11th grader at La Plata High School in Maryland, discovered that his daughter was being coerced in class to write that “Allah is the same god that is worshipped in Christianity and Judaism,” and that “the Quran is the word of Allah revealed to Mohammad in the same way that the Torah and the Gospels were revealed to Moses and the New Testament writers.” Her grades depend upon her writing that “the Prophet Mohammad was visited by the angel Gabriel and that Mohammad is the messenger of Allah and the Quran is a holy text.” She has been coerced into affirming that “There is no god but Allah.” The Thomas More Law Center has taken up the legal case against the school. Uh, but not because of that, because the school didn’t block access to The Daily Discord. Disgusting.

Throughout our nation our textbooks are watering down definitions of Jihad to mean “self-improvement by resisting temptation and evil” and Sharia to mean “a system of law promoting virtuous family life, moral conduct, and ethical business affairs.” What next? Will beheadings become part of a free and speedy weight loss program?

The future common core curriculum promises to show the Islamic influence in the American revolution, shared foundational principles between the constitution and Sharia as well as similarities between the Boston Tea Party and the 9/11 freedom fight. The transforming of our nation’s history will also include a learning about crusades as genocide. Recently uncovered quotes from our nation’s founding Imams, such as “I only regret that I have but one life to give to my Allah,” and “No education without indoctrination.” Fun filled Prayer Rug Pledge of Allegiance and Mosque Worship field trips. Students will be tickled to learn how the Prophet Mohammad was a forerunner in the Women’s Liberation movement. Recent research shows that if Mohammad were alive today he would be a militant supporter of a woman’s right to choose and same sex marriage. 

We are in a battlefield of ideas waged with our words, Zano. Our words do matter. You say they don’t. I say our words are all that matters. When a man loses his word he loses his soul. This war of ideas waged with our words points to a greater spiritual war of our soul’s eternal destiny. The truth will set us free. But, if we compromise, the Truth to appease the politically correct Kingdom’s of the World we’ll face more than some Daily Discord.

Glenn Beck and the Emperor’s New Caliphate

Mick Zano

During my last post I never reached the Promised Land: the heralded 2nd interesting Republican prediction of the 21st century. This one comes in the form of Glenn Beck’s Caliphate. Beck’s obviously referencing a group of AM radio hosts who hope to expand their current syndicated stations to one day span from the tip of Alaska to the tip of Florida—wait, that’ll be underwater. Never mind.

The accurate Ukraine/invasion prediction was the GOP’s first interesting guess, here. I never got to the 2nd because my blogging-style remains, ahem, less than concise. I appreciate the feedback and vow to keep all of my posts shorter than the Affordable Care Act’s 11,588,500 words, mostly.

Glenn Beck predicted a Muslim Caliphate, a direct descendant of Mohammad, would soon be chosen and would rule an area from Asia through the Middle East to the western coast of Africa.

First off, I think Beck’s legit. I don’t think he’s all schtick like Ann Coulter. Sure he’s delusional, childlike and misguided, but who on the right isn’t these days? Kidding! Glenn says he’s no longer a Republican, here, which shows some insight. I watched the bit Pokey was talking about here, aka when Mr. Beck and his Magic Chalkboard warned of a Muslim Caliphate.

Saying Muslims may try to bring a huge swath of failed states under one Mullah, Ayatollah or other Religious War Clown (RWC) is about as insightful as saying pyramids are often pyramid-shaped. This has been radical Islam’s goal for centuries. My goal, equally arduous, is to decipher Republicana for those scant few nuggets of insight.

I agree that Chris Hayes on MSNBC wrongly attacked Beck for sharing his Caliphate premise. Shifting all the real estate currently amidst this jihadic turmoil under one dude would be great fun for radicals—more to kill and rape in the name of Allah.

Beck is still wrong, of course. Do you really think these folks are going to all agree on Mohammad’s proper successor? I think our sun will exhaust its hydrogen supply first. They are their own worst enemy and a lot of them will die at the hands of their brothers. Nothing will change until they move beyond their fundamentalist mindset, or at least get Netflix.

 

“While ISIS will have a tough time holding territory and governing it as a Caliphate, it can still ignite a massive sectarian bloodletting.”

—Good ol’ Buck Sexton

 

Sure, there’ll be a shit-ton of infighting, death, and carnage, but a consensus? …Middle Eastern Muslims? Hey, I know how to pick your caliphate guy: just gather in the Dome of the Rock and when the color of the smoke changes it means you burned the right infidel. What, too soon?

Whereas ISIS is making progress by calling other groups to their banner, including Boko Haram, they still have quite the uphill battle. Scaling El Capitan on greased roller-skates sounds easier. First they would have to overthrow all the existing governments. As we speak, Nigeria is fiercely battling Boko Haram and the Iraqi army is battling ISIS for Tikrit. The Shiite’s are growing their own radical groups to counter the Sunni shit-show. In the end, the whole thing’s worse than the Republican Primaries

In fact, David Petraeus just told the Washington Post our biggest long term problem in Iraq is Shiite-backed militias. And the 2nd biggest problem is when he shares this with his new mistress. I kid the General.

We’re seeing a rise in Yemen of these Shiite factions as well. While the U.S. is backing Iran in Iraq as well as the Saudis in Yemen, those two special countries are only attacking their own radical adversaries. Can things get more F-d up? Sure they can. It’s the Middle East, silly. We are amidst a long overdue Islamic civil war and Obama’s approach involves letting them spend some of their own treasure and blood while working out their “important” spiritual differences.  A Fartwa?

Oh and if a radicalized group, Shiite or Sunni or otherwise, should emerge with a real foothold in some sovereign area, the international community will start dropping bombs on their heads.

Sounds like a wonderful little venture! Where do I sign up for the cars and the women? I’m not saying they’re not overachievers, but a true Caliphate will not be chosen and the area in question will not come under one banner any time soon, if ever. And your answer to this problem is ridiculous, Mr. Poke.  Convert them to Catholicism? I’m not saying that’s not a step in the right direction, for sure, but aren’t the last few thousand years enough of a failed experiment for you? Tell you what, you supply the Mormons with the white shirt-tie combo, and I’ll fund Watchtower brochures for some Jehovah’s Witnesses. Then we can drop them in Somalia, Yemen, and Syria and we can kick back with some whiskey and place some bets, eh? White Man’s Bourbon?

In some perverse way I like the idea of ISIS calling every piece of crap in the world to their banner and then dropping a bomb on said banner. Yes, I’m not as sensitive as most liberals. Sorry if I think we have a right to be a little miffed at the group most likely to end our species. It’s not an “ugly” statement, it’s a fact. I hate it when liberals shy away from facts—such practices should be relegated to Fox Noise-types. But, we should also be proud of our American Muslims for not feeding into this tribal bullshit. As I’ve said, the answer lies in moderate Muslims, not radicalized Republicans.

Regardless, Obama needs to keep the American people appraised of the situation in the Middle East, whether or not it deviates from his main themes and strategies. This is a rare point where I agree with the Pokester. We need to strike that balance of information vs. radical recruitment.

Lest we forget, the main two marginally insightful GOP moments were uttered by Beck and Palin. This is no small point when you consider the relative mental health of your party. Pokey doesn’t seem to care that the only people who agree with him are certifiable. The right wing of any party on Earth has only one solution, war.  If a heavy branch somewhere endangers a garage roof, the all-or-none thinking right will always want to cut down all the trees in the neighborhood…or, worse yet, build an ark.

[Winslow: I’m ratting Zano out. His original submission did exceed the A.C.A’s word count by a rather wide margin.]

The Civil Wrong Movement

Pokey McDooris

The point from my last feature that Zano continues to ignore is how Beck recognized that “yes” radical Islam was getting out of hand. He did this as our President was doing victory dances, pulling troops out of the Middle East, and calling the Islamic radicals “the JV Team”. Obama has a host of actions that make little sense when one considers the context of the rise of a terrorist network, globally peddling their wares. Kora-Amway?

Our President encouraged the “Arab Spring” in Egypt that brought the Muslim Brotherhood to power. He invited representatives of the Muslim Brotherhood to the White House and provided them with aid. History tells us that the Muslim Brotherhood is the source of Al-Qaida, Hamas, and ISIS, and all Islamic Jihadists, but our President continues to promote a foreign policy that promotes the Muslim Brotherhood and their interests.

Oh yeah, our President and Mrs. Clinton supported the overthrow of Kaddafi, which led to the empowerment of more Islamic Jihadists. The President is encouraging a deal with Iran (Islamic Jihadists) that will encourage their empowerment in the region. And at a time when Christian persecution from Islamists is at an all-time high, this administration never, to my recollection, ever uses the term “Islamic extremists” or “Islamic radicals” or “Islamic meanies” or any other reference to Islam. Obama’s message? Muslims are all loving folks who have endured Islamophobia from insensitive conservative Christians who cling to God and guns.” And how about the term “Christian victim” or “Jewish victim?” Don’t you think it’s odd that this administration never acknowledges the religious targeting of Christians and Jews? Oh but he’s quick to mention the “black victims” and the “whitish assailants.”

That’s what stinks with this Ferguson deal being connected to the Civil Rights movement. If I didn’t know better, I’d say that enemies to our nation, such as the Muslim Brotherhood and their satellite branches, were funding this PR campaign that shows the world how “racist” the conservative Christians who cling to their guns and God are, so that they may gain support from alienated blacks within the United States. That’s a great strategy. First, strip our nation from all principled values so that our children become increasingly immoral, frustrated, and purposeless (See: Zano’s college career). Next you show the United States to be a racist satanic monster, then you recruit “Islamic terrorists” from the confused and frustrated youth within the United States.

Whether what’s going on arrives in a caliphate form or not, those individuals in the Middle East who call themselves Islamists—and who kill Christians, Jews, and even satirists—are purposefully trying to bring about Armageddon. And those who share in their worldview, whether they are united or not, are filtering into Europe as the Jews are being pushed out of Europe; and they plan on destroying Israel; and they are already organized in every state of our union. They are indoctrinating the young and the ignorant from around the world, for their message is simple and glorious: Allah wills Islam to rule the world through the might of the sword, and those who are courageous enough to wage this war for Allah will live joyfully in heaven forever, with lots of chicks, dental plans, free Wi-Fi etc. The brochure is tempting.

The way to defeat a worldview is by confronting it with a better worldview. That’s what it seems like President Obama is trying to do with his (and your) humanistic, atheistic, progressive spiritualistic hodgepodge. But the Islamists aint buying it. Humanism only emboldens Islam as they become further convinced that our hyper-secular, hyper-sexual-pornographic, hyper-liberated-abortive, hyper-technical push the button bombs, and hyper-commercial humanistic society is indeed Satanic (See: Zano’s post college career).

There are only two ways to confront the radical Islamic worldview:

1.) Truth.

Jesus Christ is not a mere prophet, but Jesus is God incarnate, and only through Christ’s sacrifice is forgiveness and redemption gained.

2.) Action.

Their military success shows them that Allah is on their side, so we must show them in no uncertain terms that Allah is not on their side.

Those who hold this “Islamic Jihadist” worldview want to bring about Armageddon/WWIII. It is a barbaric/hateful/racist worldview that realistically threatens the entire world. Meanwhile our Executive administration does not call them out for what they are. They are too busy highlighting the “evils” of our own nation in the form of: homophobia, to a war on women, to a systematic racism or highlighting an oppression of the poor.

“Evil only triumphs when good men do nothing.”

—Edmund Burke

Although, I am not in any way suggesting you’re a good man, Zano. Is that a retraction? Sorry, I’m new at this.

Oh, I kid the Zanster.

My Shitty Kids

Tony Ballz

Raising children is tough. It’s a pretty thankless job. Do my kids ever thank me for all the stuff I’ve done for them over the years? Heck no. I mean, I change their diapers, buy them food and clothes, lose hours of sleep while they cry all night, help them with their stupid school projects … it’s wasted YEARS of my life. But I’m not bitter.

The other day, my daughter Dorinda made a peanut butter sandwich for her brother Elmo and, good gravy, you would have thought Cuban revolutionaries had been through my kitchen. I mean, she didn’t put the lid back on the jar, she left the knife dirty, there was a big old smudge on the table … it was crazy. I said: “Hey Che Guevara, the next time your troops want a snack, tell ’em to wipe their boots off when they’re done!” I thought it was kind of clever, but they just ignored me. What a couple of spoiled little twerps.

My children’s names are Dorinda and Elmo. Ain’t that a hoot? Oh sure, my husband and I could have chosen something nice for our daughter like Jessica or Katherine, or something cool for our son like Clark or Steven, but that’s boring. We went through those baby name books until we found the ones that made us laugh the hardest. They’re definitely the only Dorinda and Elmo in their school. Probably in the whole state! Dorinda and Elmo. That just cracks me up. I’m a good mother.

My children are lucky. They really are. I bet they don’t know ANYONE that has a mother who writes a column describing every single embarrassing detail of their childhood, especially the ones that tick me off, and publishes it in a free weekly newspaper for all their classmates (and everyone in town) to read! And I use their REAL NAMES too! Why they aren’t the most popular kids in school, I’ll never know.

One time I was snooping around that pig trough my son calls his bedroom and under his mattress I found the Sears ads from the Sunday paper with the photos of ladies in their underwear, all carefully folded up. That night, when he was studying with the pretty little blonde-haired girl from down the block, I yelled: “Hey Willie Wanker! Why don’t you tell your girlfriend how much you enjoy reading the SUNDAY PAPER? Especially the SEARS ADS!” He turned seven shades of red and looked like he wanted to die. It was so cute! My husband and I laughed and laughed. I could scarcely wait to write about it.

Last month, Dorinda started her period. She tried to hide it from me, but nothing my kids do escapes mother’s all-seeing eye. She used up almost half a roll of toilet paper! I said: “Hey, Bleeding Betty! Now that you’re a woman, why don’t you get a job in the alley behind the pool hall so you can help pay for some of this?” I thought it was hysterical, but she just locked the door to her room and started crying. What a pampered little bitch.

Our family doctor and several members of the PTA have told me that giving my kids strange names and parading their childhood mishaps in a public forum such as my column may be damaging to their mental health and make them outcasts among their peers. And that using my idiot offspring as fodder for my mediocre writing smacks of self-absorption. I say: So what? What the hell do they know? I was never popular in school and my mother was a relentless harridan whom I despise to this day … and look at me! I turned out OK.

Next week: the funny stains on Elmo’s bed sheets and Dorinda’s poopy undies! Bye-bye!