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Since Switching To IPAs I Haven’t Noticed This Phytoestrogen ‘Man Boob’ Thing… At All

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zanoboobs

Flagstaff, AZ—I moved to the southwest several beers ago and I have since shifted my tastes toward more western-style IPAs. Brewifest Destiny? Now I have come to discover, via a recent NPR segment, that hops are the direct cause of man boobs. And here I though it was because of my addiction to Cheese Doodles and my strong repulsion to all forms of exercise.

The culprit for these ‘Moobs’, or brew ta tas, is something called phytoestrogen, an active plant estrogen found in hops. What makes western IPAs linked more strongly to the growth of breasts in men is the sheer quantity of hops used in this style of beer. What makes this phytoestrogen more linked to my personal manboobery is my tendency to order imperial IPAs, or “D-Mugs” as I like to call them. Hey, maybe Bruce Jenner could have saved some serious cash switching from Wheaties to Witbier. What, too soon?

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Benghazi V Charleston: False Narratives 101

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While Obama delivers his eulogy for a Reverend Pinckney, my thoughts remain with the people of Charleston. During Fox News’ coverage of this event, the words “racially motivated” and “terrorism” were avoided like an Ebola victim donning a suicide vest. The Fox News All Sharts tried their best to deny that the attack constituted a hate crime—one fueled by white supremacy and a semi-automatic Clip of Freedom.

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I Know We Have Our Differences, Pokey, But Can’t We At Least Agree That I’m Always Right?

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I commend the notions that most religions foster, such as moral restraint, humility, community cooperation and asceticism. These are good things, but your fundamentalist approach invariably strays faster than the Ghetto Shaman on a Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise. Pokey is no different. There’s something inherently wrong with organized religion. It’s kind of like watching Real Time on TiVo or farting during an NPR segment of Fresh Air.

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Kansas Governor Denying Allegations He “Sucks”

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BROWNBACK

Topeka, KS—Governor Sam Brownback is denying allegations that his state has done poorly under his leadership. Despite his state’s ongoing struggles, he refuses to take any responsibility for his economic record. “Responsibility is for the little people,” said Brownback, “who we here in Kansas refer to as Munchkins.”

To compensate for the many years of crushing austerity measures, Kansas celebrated today with the largest tax increase in the state’s history. Brownback is denying this is an actual tax, however, as he and his staff are referring to it as Freedom Funds, which will be used to “fight the ongoing War on Obamacare.”

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Open Up and Say “Ahhhhhh”

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Since both the Republican and the Democrats are owned by the economic enemies of this Republic, why do I choose to support the Republicans over the Democrats? The truth is that the Democrats are further along in their infiltration and indoctrination and thus have a more perverted effect on the younger generations who truly are the future of this nation. Zano’s Discord Nation need not apply.

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The Republican Mythos: At the Mountains of Blandness

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Let’s hash out at least some of the existing myths permeating both sides of the political aisle. How did we get into such an politically polarized stupor? What was the beginning of the end? …uh, besides that 50s movie about radioactively-enlarged locusts. Both D and R have their own political origin myths and they both suck. I’ll spend more time reviewing republican mythology because the GOP needs an ideological tune-up worse than Christine and Killdozer combined. 

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Dear Facebook Users

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Greetings! My name is Mark Zuckerberg, chairman and CEO of Facebook, Inc. You may have noticed that your account has been blocked and you cannot log in. Don’t panic! The solution is quite simple. Recently, we here at Facebook decided that all accounts need to bear the full legal name of the user, not a pseudonym or nickname. I’m sure at this point you’re probably thinking: What? I’ve been a loyal Facebook user for nearly a decade under the name all my friends know me by, why is this important now?

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During Memorial Day Speech Obama Chooses to Honor Those on Welfare

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obamaMemorialDayArlington, VA—President Obama created quite the shit-storm today after a speech that many are calling “really bad.” Obama never mentioned the military during his 34 minute speech, but he did mention himself 23 times and Obamacare 12 times. This omission of anything relevant to those lost in battle is being considered a snub by military personnel and their families.

Obama looked almost jovial as he said, “Let’s not forget those who made the ultimate sacrifice, their paychecks, so that I could personally—or at least indirectly through government programs—support them for their braveness throughout their lifespans.”

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I Got Another Letter From Bozell the Clown

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Brent Bozell is both a Fox News Contributor and the head of the Media Research Center. Last year, against my better judgment, I joined his merry little band of memes. His website helps the politically insane keep up with all the horrible atrocities liberals are perpetrating on good, decent Americans. You know like smoking pot, drinking beer, and graduating colleges, often simultaneously. Multi-flasking?

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