Washington, DC—General David Petraeus announced his intentions today to shift an outdated policy on gays in the military to the exit strategies for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

When questioned about the logic of expanding a policy the army may soon overrule, Petraeus said, “It’s true that don’t ask don’t tell may well be repealed in the near future, but before we send it off to pasture, it’s sorely needed in other arenas.  Think of it as a ‘surge’ before we pull out all together.”

Petreus then asked to have that last statement stricken from the record, as it “sounded a little gay.” 

Petraeus believes that the policy, which would include: “the press shutting the fuck up about all withdrawal timetables,” could be successfully applied to both military engagements.

“Of course we wouldn’t say, shut the fuck up about all withdrawal timetables,” clarified Petreus. “We would simply say, ‘Sorry, that question is in violation of our don’t ask don’t tell policy.’ After my statement, I might add the word, bitches, in rare instances, but only because I’m a huge Ghetto Shaman fan.”

Petraeus believes the new policy would allow U.S Military time to establish permanent bases in Iraq and Afghanistan, which could come in handy when the U.S. “takes a shit.”

When asked when he thought the U.S. would, in fact, “take a shit”, Petraeus replied, “I think we could successfully expand don’t ask don’t tell to include all press questions in the near future.”  The General then went on a wildly inappropriate, Bush-channeling tirade, “We need to come out of the closet there, or they will follow us into the closet here! They’ll stand up, when we go down!” and, the Discord staff’s personal favorite, “They hate us for our FemDom.”

Nowhere, AZ—Mick Zano is in police custody tonight after the grisly discovery of several body parts at his residence.  Mr. Zano has “no idea” how the human remains came to inhabit his freezer, and his only alibi, a “masseuse” on Spring Mountain Road in Vegas, doesn’t speak Engrish, but did tell police, “Bad man.  Bad tipper.”

Despite maintaining his innocence, Zano remains a person of interest in the case, and may be connected to several other missing women across the southwest.

His boss and CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow disagrees with authorities, “He’s really not that interesting.”

When asked if he thought Zano might be a serial murderer/cannibal Winslow, said, “Sure, but he’s still not that interesting.”

Police questioned Mr. Zano at his current job as a Walmart greeter after he was found running up and down aisle four accosting various customers with a bottle of A1 Sauce.

A customer claims Zano asked her, “Did you find everything OK?” then added, “Could I marinate your arm overnight?”

Zano is maintaining his innocence despite a damning eyewitness description (bottom right), which is building a strong case for the prosecution.

Both of his friends and fans are sticking by Mr. Zano, but “Not too closely. He tends to bite,” said Sarah Angelfire, a fellow Discord contributor.

Zano weakened his own defense earlier today with this statement, “If you’re not going to do anything with it, can I keep the meat?  Please, can I get one of those Hannibal Lecter hockey mask thingies?”

Washington, DC-At the final confirmation hearing for Elena Kagan Thursday, Senator Ben Nelson (NE-D) meant to vote against Kagan’s Supreme Court nomination but, instead, shouted, “I don’t think Kagan can follow DeGeneres in a show as important for U.S. interests as American Idol!”

Several colleagues tried to calm the agitated Senator down to no avail. President Obama himself texted Nelson during the outburst and offered his state free healthcare (again), as well as weekly treasure baths at Camp David if he would simply, “sit the fuck down.”

Completely inconsolable, Nelson yelled, “You lie!”

He then hurled his Blackberry at Kagan, before saying, “The Idol is dead; it’s dead, I tell ya! Nothing else really matters anymore, you toothless whore!”

After an uncomfortably long period of sobbing, Nelson tried to secede from the union–until someone reminded him that if Nebraska seceded, no one would notice.

Nelson later told the press, “Truckers along Route 80 would notice. Especially when I start opening fire on the bastards!”

Police had to forcibly remove Nelson from Capital Hill, and Chief Clancy Wiggum of Springfield later told the press the Senator was “all doped up on goofballs.”

Nelson denies being on goofballs, or even knowing what goofballs are, exactly.

Philadelphia, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, admitted to the press today over 6,000 internal emails between Discord contributors were released to the public in a move many are calling “intentional.”

Winslow is downplaying the impact of the incident, “The fact remains these documents don’t reveal any issues that haven’t already informed our public debate regarding the behavioral and psychological health of my staff.”

The following are two examples of actual correspondence between Discord contributors:

From: the ghetto shaman
Sent: Thursday, April, 9, 2009  2:20AM
To: pwinslow12@yahoo.com

Subject: Re: I’m bringing the potato gun to the next party, bitches!

Winslow, buddy.  don’t let the large number fool you.  bail is always set at 10% of the fine. 10%! peanuts for a big man like you.  oh, and I told you that putting all of your money in Shagg Technologies was a bad idea, bitch.

Ghetto Shaman

From: mick zano
Sent: Thursday, May 08, 2008 1:19 PM
To: DDiscord@yahoogroups.com

Subject: Re: [The Discord] Re: I’m not usually like that on jagermeister, baby, honest

Captain’s Blog 5/8/08,

The Discord is off to a shaky start, folks. Winslow has spent untold thousands on drunken “business meetings” and the Crank’s video submissions are obscene, senseless, and costly.  After watching his last video I feel dirty. Thankfully, we don’t have the bandwidth for videos yet. As far as increasing submissions, Dave Atsals is still in the final stages of his first sentence, which has the word doohickey in it (twice), spelled differently each time.  Neither is the way i would spell doohickey, mind you, but that’s what final editing is for, right? heh, heh.  On a good note, Winslow has finished outsourcing the web design to a man named, Mr. Rufies, who promises to finish the project if we all meet him at the mall around closing time. Otherwise things are going quite smoothly (for us).

Mick Z.

Seven Pakistani men are in custody today and many are asking the question “how could this have not happened?”

Thanks to a missed memo, the CIA was able to thwart an attack against the Vice President’s mouth.  The plot was foiled despite a recent Rasmussen poll revealing over 90% of those polled actually believe the attack should have been allowed to commence unhindered.  The intelligence community admits there was incessant terrorist chatter to finally put an end to the Vice President’s incessant chatter in the days leading up to the planned attack.  The seven men accused were caught possessing enough explosives to blow Biden’s mouth clean off of his face. 

“We had plenty of notice to not stop the attack on the Vice President’s mouth,” said CIA head Leon Panetta.  “We knew the attack was coming, but we stopped it anyhow.  I take full responsibility for Joe Biden’s continued ability to speak.”

Head of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, understands America’s desire to shut Joe Biden’s mouth but is accused of spinning the story, thusly:  “I get it.  Remember, I have to sit next to the guy in meetings.  But what if Biden’s mouth could be used for good?  We could broadcast it along our southern border to deter illegals, or threaten its use against North Korea, or maybe even use it against BP executives.”

Hi, I’m Bernie Fredrickson. I’ve lived along the Gulf Coast my whole life and I’ve been hired by BP recently to doctor photos from the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. We at BP have vowed to make the Gulf waters a little bluer, the sea fowl a little whiter, and the oil gusher a little less gusherier. Gusherier is a word, we checked with Sarah Palin. See? We spared no expense and now it’s in our mission statement, bitches.

We’re committed to help the worst oil spill in U.S. history look better and better, one pixel at a time. Bottom line, we’re going to make things right, albeit only virtually. I feel that if I can help people stop all the worrying, I’ve done my job. You’d be surprised how many times PhotoShopping living eye balls onto a dead pelican can make all the difference. Besides, think of all the seafood you can fry up without ever having to add any oil? In a recession, I call that win win! Like my CEO always says, money saved is money earned. We PhotoShopping wizards at BP are working around the clock for you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to Houdini out a gazillion tar balls strewn across the beach pics of Pensacola.

Prison pen pal, Lindsay Lohan, has encouraged Miley Cyrus to visit www.theySayIGottaGoToRehabISaidNoNoNo.org, which is a website designed to help with those crazy drunk, girls gone wild types acclimate to life on skid row. 

“It’s one heck of a transition going from the top to the bottom,” said Lohan.  “These things need to be carefully planned.”

When asked to elaborate, Lindsay stated, “Look, you don’t want to go all Brittany shave-my-head Spears, do you?!  There’s a good way to let your life publically slip into the abyss and a bad way to let your life publically slip into the abyss.” 

Lohan went on to say, “There are classes on being a proper Hollywood child star wash-up.  Most of my demise was staged well in advance.  I couldn’t imagine being this stupid on my own.”

Lindsay Lohan believes you can never start planning for these things too young.  She believes Miley has probably already waited “way too long.”  Miss Lohan went on to describe a Hollywood insider story, not too dissimilar to an Advanced Directive for bimbos.  Apparently, there are even online classes to help pick out your drug of choice, your mental health diagnosis, and a slew of virtual rehabs. There’s even an entire class on ugly divorces.

“You don’t think Tiger Woods was really involved in that wild night car crash, do you?  He has people for that.”

Lohan believes she has Miley’s best interest in mind, “I just don’t want her making the same mistakes I did.  Well, I do, but I want them better choreographed.”

Philadelphia, PA—As CEO of the Daily Discord, I usually do an apology for the horrible things our bad journalism typically unleashes on our fair communities. Instead, I would rather thank the country of N/A for consistently being first or second on our geographic visitor listing.  Also of interest, we had 953 page views from the Netherlands yesterday, which even beat the country of N/A.  But, alas, it turned out to be just one guy from Copenhagen with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  We also got one hit last week from the key search word “bestiality” (no shit), which is really a milestone for us here at the Discord, although we’re not exactly sure why.  Regardless, welcome to the fold, sick fuck! 

We would also like a big shout out to our seven friends in Iran, who are watching the goings on of our little website a little too closely.  Heh, heh.  That was nervous laughter, if you were wondering.  If you actually are tuning in from Iran (somehow) and are in no way affiliated with the tyrannical regime in power, might we suggest asking a question of our Ghetto Shaman.  He will, of course, set right to work ignoring it. Your chance of being beheaded is, like, what for such an affront to Allah?  Really, what is it?  Inquiring minds want to know.  Maybe that could be your question to the Ghetto Shaman.  Just do it!  When has he ever steered our readers wrong?

Malibu, CA—Actor and director Mel Gibson has finally admitted to the press that his depiction on the popular comedy show South Park is “dead on.”  Gibson went on to explain that he really is the “crazy, ranty, racist nut job as seen on TV.”  He admits he does wear Braveheart war paint around the house and he does, in fact, shit all over cartoon characters in an “eerily similar manner to those South Park episodes.”

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Gun Shop, released this statement, “Gibson’s defecation depiction as seen on South Park may be something decidedly Freudian.” 

Meanwhile, the Rant Warrior went on to say, “You’d better not print that, Winslow, or I’ll burn your fucking house down!”

God responded by saying, “Too late, asshole.”

In God’s defense please see God Responds to Daily Discord’s “Draw Muhammad Day”.

Local animated character, Eric Cartman said several things unfit for print and then blamed his inappropriateness on a scorching case of childhood Tourette’s syndrome.

His friend Kyle Broflovski had this to say, “Oh my god, they killed Kenny!” He then added, “you bastards,” for good measure.

Kenny was unavailable for comment.  This may have been due to the fact his spine was protruding from his orange trench coat.  For the record, Mel Gibson denies killing Kenny and also denies being one of “those bastards.”

Los Angeles, CA—Not to be outdone, LA Laker MVP, Kobe Bryant, has decided to take a page from the LeBron James playbook.  In reaction to LeBron’s highly rated telecast “The Decision,” Bryant will be announcing the city where he plans his next unwanted, lewd sex acts during a special one-hour announcement, entitled “The Indiscretion.”  Bryant is planning on doing something inappropriate to someone, but he’s not saying where—at least, not until his show airs on ESPN at 8PM next Thursday.  In a whimsical fashion, Bryant explained to the press his intentions to “take his talents to some bitch.”  An obvious reference to LeBron’s comment last week, “I’m taking my talents to South Beach.”

When Bryant was asked why the copycat ploy, Bryant called it “a tit for a tat.”  He hopes to roll into town next week and steal some of the thunder from LeBron’s publicity stunt, as well as some unwilling snatch.

“It’s win-win,” said Bryant.

Many of America’s mayors are offering the key to their cities to Bryant, along with their daughters, wives, and significant others.  Mayor Bloomberg of New York is allegedly sweetening the pot for Bryant if he chooses the Big Apple.

“This will be just like the movie Indecent Proposal,” said Bloomberg.  “Only minus the proposal part.”