Cupertino, CA—Apple Computer, Inc is at it again, folks.  They are very excited to announce the release of their new sex-life enhancement module, the iPud.  You too can now download music, play video games, and bang as many hos as you want—all with just a click!  It’s duel action, which means…well, since we’re Geek Squad types, we don’t really know what that means, but we’re sure you’ll figure it out. 

The iPud also comes with GPS capability, so you’ll always know just where the fuck you are.  And, for our senior citizens—otherwise known as Discord staffers—consider the cash you’ll save on Viagra.  Turn your software into hardware with just a touch of a screen.  Use your own God-given apparatus or tag your teammate, the iPud, for endless hours of binary boinking.  You will never need an expansion card to download ever again! And, no matter where you stick your iPud, it can still check email, take photos, and text.  Caution: texting while driving is illegal in most orifices. 

Order your iPud today!  …void where prohibiPud.

Heaven, HVN—The Wikileaked documents continue to mount up as few remain unscathed from this major security breech from hell…apparently, even hell.  One exchange is an email between Satan and God, wherein Satan makes fun of God.

“Look who plays me in movies, De Niro, Walken, the list goes on and on—who do you got, George Burns, hah?!” 

God then responded by saying, “Two words, bitch, Morgan Freeman!”

The email that is getting most of the attention, however, is a note from God to himself, which lays out his big plan in three steps:  

1. Eden Eject: Create the snake and the woman just to be sure.
2. Operation Guilt: Send a son, who is actually me in disguise, in the hopes of one day being in a Mel Gibson movie.
3. Operation Shaft: Somewhere around 2010 start fucking with Haiti (just becuase).

“There are several astounding revelations in this email,” said Christian scholar Timothy Andrews.  “Not the least of which is God’s complete inability to utilize spell check.”

“Obviously there’s a lot we don’t understand about our deity,” said Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Grill, “Regardless, this is a huge victory for all mankind.  It’s a victory for the religious minded, because irrefutable proof of God now exists, and it’s a victory for the atheists, in that, it’s a bloody shame.”

Philadelphia, PA—Regrettably, Mick Zano will no longer be submitting the vast majority of the yucks yucks here on The Daily Discord.  Mr. Zano was given his two post notice this week along with a severance package consisting of a $5 Starbucks’ gift certificate and a 2009 desk calendar.  “Wow, first a pen set that turned out to be pencils and now this!” said Zano.

The Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, is firing Mr. Zano for several reasons, not the least of which is his recent connection to a string of brutal murders in the Tucson area.  Winslow is hoping the shakeup will send a stern message to the rest of the contributors.  When asked, Mr. Winslow had no idea what that message might be.   

“I just want him gone,” said Winslow.  “He has become increasingly demanding and increasingly demented.  And NO, Zano!  Our Photoshop workers are not going to create a golden statue in your likeness.  The guy’s got Colbert’s ego, minus the talent.”

Mick Zano believes his new duties at an undisclosed northern Arizona Walmart will sustain him.  “I’ll be just fine,” said Zano.  “Well, at least until the background check comes back.”

Chicago’s Midway Airport—Lines are not the only things getting longer at our local airports these days.  Although many travelers are frustrated and angered over new security procedures, one Midwestern airport has discovered some folks seem to really be enjoying the invasive new screening process.

“We decided with crisis comes cop-portunity,” said Security Chief, Jay Milken, of Aurora, Ill.  “Get it?  Some people really perk up at the security line and we thought, wow, here’s something we can take advantage of, so to speak.”

After confirming their suspicions with their new x-ray “boner identification” machines, Mr. Milken and his team swung into action.  Within a few days Midway Airport offered a range of extended screenings for cash.  Travelers who chose the “happy ending” security + screening got to choose the gender of their screener and the “extended/bonus” safety check. Security personnel also offered offered x-ray images of some of the other passengers to heighten arousal.  For an extra fee, flyers can also request the pocket pool extravaganza, or, for the more adventurous still, there’s always the extended cavity search.

“Fly the really friendly skies while improving airport security. Oh, and don’t forget to have your bags checked by one of our trained professionals, ladies, or how about one of our mammogram security checks?  Fly safe and fight breast cancer all while boarding your flight. It’s win, win, win!” said Milken.

Clifton, NJ—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Pro Shop, has startled the archeological community again with his excavation of a giant statue of The Daily Discord’s columnist, the Ghetto Shaman.  Dr. Hogbein has spent much of his career seeking an ancient race situated between the Hackensack and the Passaic River in a land known as Middle-Jersey.

Dr. Hogbein believes this civilization existed in Jersey an astounding forty-thousand years ago.  He also believes the Ghetto Shaman receives nightly transmissions from the Toltec gods and may well be an avatar, returning again and again when the world is in most need of public drunkenness.

“We weren’t sure this was actually the same Shaman until we reached the Basal Paleolithic level (c. 39,000 B.C.),” said Dr. Hogbein.  “There we discovered a necklace comprised of partially consumed chicken wings, possibly of the early Domino’s or Papa John’s variety.  We became certain at the pre-Specialty Brew level, where numerous empty cans of malt liquor products were found.”

The Ghetto Shaman has responded to the professor’s theories thusly, “The only nightly transmission I receive involves a professional woman named Isis.”

Philadephia, PA—It’s that time of the news cycle again.  We have limited our retractions this time to those episodes causing great personal damage or loss of life (otherwise we could be here all day).

Our journal submission Study Finds Sending Water to Flood Victims Ironic did not stay afloat under the peer review process.  Besides, there’s nothing funny about dysentery or cholera—even when worked effectively into a pun.

In our feature, Top 10 Reasons You Should Never Pull the Last Airbender’s Finger, three of the reasons were deemed “a bit of a stretch.”   But, we do stand by our original premise that it is still not advisable.

At the end of the day, The Discord staff admits our feature Global Drought May Spread does not represent journalism at its finest.

Finally, we would also like to apologize to the U.S. Army for endangering our troops in the field during our ill-fated Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day.  We are willing to stand by our offer to pay for all of the dry cleaning bills (for any legitimate claim), provided the Imams in question stop calling for our beheading.

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord is pursuing legal action against The Daily Show for hosting a rally on the same day, same time, and at the same place with similarly designed rally posters.

“Our D.C. rally got no publicity!” said Discord CEO, Pierce Winslow. “The Ghetto Shaman’s speech and subsequent arrest were simply a footnote, a distraction, a freak show!”

To add insult to perjury, Stewart is denying any wrongdoing and told Rachel Maddow in a recent interview, “There’s no real honor in satire.”

Winslow feels this is an obvious slight directed at the Discord.

“Excuse me?” said Winslow. “Haven’t you read our coverage on Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day? We changed journalism to something wholly other that day…like gournalism. And, as for your other comments during that interview, we are a fake fake News organization, which is completely different.”

Here is a Pierce Winslow excerpt from the actual lawsuit letter:

“I believe The Daily Discord is the victim of illegal and discriminatory rally practices. I have fully investigated my rights in this matter—and by ‘I’, I mean I have people for that, and by ‘fully investigated’, I mean I have conducted several non-porn related Google searches (NPRGS).”

Find the entire letter here.

“Bottom line, we spared no expense on those rally banners,” added Winslow, “…well, some expense on Zano’s, obviously.”

Wasilla, AK—Some claim the lady doth protest too much, but is the Tea Bag Queen making a run for literacy? MILF Theatre, in conjunction with Portrait of a Blinking Idiot.com, presents Sign on My Facebook and Tell Me You’ll Vote for Me.

Set your tweets on Elizabethan as Palin conjures some literary magic.  Sarah has clearly done some amazing things with wordage, verbiage, and phonics-age. Act now and receive all of the Bard of Wasilla’s witticisms during this limited time offer. 

You’ll get such classic social site moments as: To tweet or not to tweet, you betch ya’ and Tax cuts are such sweet borrow. And, of course: To suffer the slings and arrows of refudiated progressives.  And, who could forget?  A course! A course! My kingdom for some eduma—a course!

But wait!  If you act now, you’ll get Et tu Brut by Faberge, as well as all 27 butchered words from, Lord what fools these liberal bloggers be.  And what offer would be complete without A plague on both your houses (and, by both, I mean Liberals and Progressives).  If you order right now, you’ll also receive the entire personal collection of Levi thou art a little shit tweets, for no extra charge.

All the world’s a stooge, folks, and we are merely Palins!  Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have busts thrusting and heaving with perky nipples!

Bag End, HBT—A number of men in black were seen riding through Bree and parts of the Shire late last night.  Eyewitnesses claim they were searching for a hobbit known as Bilbo Baggins.   Locals report, Baggins has remained a recluse ever since the Harvard Lampoon referred to him as Dildo Bugger in a popular spoof.  Some believe the riders were searching for a piece of jewelry, or perhaps other things to pawn.

A local wizard named Gandalf the Grey told reporters, “A shadow moves in the east, there are whispers of a nameless fear, and the Green Dragon has a steep cover charge tonight.” 

Gandalf later expounded upon his earlier statements, “The fires of Mount Doom are ablaze, there are worse things than goblins in the darker places of the world, and there are, indeed, strange things afoot at the Circle-K.” 

Here to make sense of that, and more, is our own Mad Dog mystic, the Ghetto Shaman, “Dildo Bugger, heh, heh.  That’s fucking great!”

In other local news, farmer Maggot is reporting crops have been taken from his field again.  He is blaming the dark riders for the mischief.  Roseypalm Glandheaver of Bugger-downs has reported her dog missing.  The faithful companion was last seen pissing on an Ent.

“I can’t imagine what could have happened to him,” said Glandheaver.