Dr. Zaius, Minister of Science, has charged the Obama Administration with gross budgetary negligence. He believes the failure to address the serious monetary concerns facing the global financial system at this critical juncture in history comes with dire consequences for mankind.

“With the increasing likelihood of the collapse of the U.S. dollar, only cutting discretionary spending is absurd! This is precisely the moment when humanity allows apes to become the dominant species on the planet,” warns Zaius. 

Dr. Zaius is calling for Obama and his key aides to be led to the edge of the Forbidden Zone and banished forever into the wasteland.  Zaius came to the decision after strongly considering the option to have them sent Beneath the Planet of the Apes—a plan that posed logistical difficulties, not the least of which involves the laws of physics. Dr. Zaius called for those exiled to be castrated, but chimps and gorillas outvoted orangutans 2 to 1 prohibiting the barbaric procedure. 

To prepare for the coming apocalypse the Zaius suggests burying the Statue of Liberty up to her chest in sand.

And, in related news, Dr. Cornelius and Dr. Zira have been arrested on heresy charges for supporting the U.S. treasury’s recent activity.

Geneva, SZ—The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is under siege at this hour. Spurred on by events in Tunisia and Egypt, billions and billions of subatomic particles have gathered outside the facility to protest the murder and unfair treatment of subatomic life. Many even blame the accelerator’s initial technical problems on such miniscule dissidents.  One con-CERN-ing possibility involves the offspring of a futuristic subatomic particle actually going back in time to sabotage the collider.  More on the Terminator Particle theory here.

“How would you like to be chilled to near absolute zero, hurled through a circular tube, and then smashed  into one of your family members at near light-speeds?!” said a neutrino, who chose to remain unstable. “Mad scientists forced my own mother into an accelerator and for what, to discover some plasma like pre-matter?  Is that really worth the loss of subatomic life?”

Spanning across the width of a pinhead, protestors at LHC hoisted tiny signs that read Life Begins in our Interstellar Nurseries and Star Stuff is People Too.  One quark had a sign that read Don’t Tread on Me or Bombard Me at Near Light Speeds, MFs!  Some even compared NASA’s head, Charles Bolden, to Hitler. 

“It’s bad enough we have to worry about beta decay and gamma emissions, but be sacrificed to the research gods?!” lamented one lepton. “If they don’t close this bitch down, we’re going to decay it brick by brick. Remember, we out number you 10^{100000000000000000000000} to one.  Did I mention my family has connections to dark matter?”

Brooklyn, NY—You’ve heard of No Sleep ‘til Brooklyn?  Well, one Brooklyn couple is saying no sleeping together ‘til the male adorns the elk antlers and the woman completes the ovulation chant with a gefilte fish draped over her shoulder.  The Maranuchi’s of Canarsie have resorted to such practices after Fran Maranuchi failed to conceive after three months of what Tony Maranuchi describes as “arduous schtupping.”

“We were out of options,” said Tony.  “We don’t want people to think this was the first thing we tried, or nothin’.”

Distraught, Fran turned her sights to the past. 

“There’s just so much that ancestral knowledge can teach us. For instance, I had no idea ripping out the still beating heart of a virgin can appease the God of the Harvest for an entire growing season.”

At first Mrs. Maranuchi tried running naked through the fields singing the ‘Seed me Earth Mother’ song.

“But you’d be surprised how few fields we have here in Canarsie,” said Fran.

Then Mr. Maranuchi tried carving a bull horn into a Cretan phallus symbol, while rubbing his manhood with a prepared musk seed oil.

“I know symbolic sexual acts with figurines and incense sounds a little weird, but…”

Mr. Maranuchi never finished that sentence.  

In other news: the body of a young woman was found in Canarsie earlier today.  Her heart was ripped from her chest and her remains were positioned in what appears to be an ancient pagan sacrifice to the God of the Harvest.

Hogwarts, ?—The Muggle protestors turned increasingly violent this week outside of Hogwarts School of Wizardry.  Despite two weeks of protesting, the school’s headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, refuses to relinquish command.  The entire grounds are full of thousands of angry Muggles—with the exception of one area where a particularly menacing tree has already claimed the lives of several protestors.

Muggles, or non magical folk, have been gathering in ever greater numbers to voice their discontent with all things magical.  Sparked by the uprisings in Tunisia and Egypt, ordinary people from all over have ramped up their demonstrations against the school, a place deemed the epicenter of all enchantments.

Known to some as the Stalin of Sorcery, Dumbledore is considered a despotic demon, a tyrannical thaumatist, and several other impressive synonyms by these amassing, thesaurus-savvy revolutionaries.

One woman carried a sign reading, “I should be head of the Ministry of Muggles!” Another had a sign equating Dumbledore with Hitler, while still others were burning an effigy of R.K. Rowling.

Dumbledore addressed the press today: “Whereas it is normally forbidden to use magic in the presence of Muggles, this time I am prepared to make an exception.”

Dumbledore has given the crowd until midnight tonight to disperse or he is releasing the Dementors.

The Discord’s own Cokie McGrath has not been seen since her attempt to interview one of the said Dementors. 

Cairo, EG—In lieu of exile, President Mubarak has chosen to be placed in the King’s Chamber, located in the heart of the Great Pyramid of Giza, surrounded by family, friends, and his cabinet.

“This is not about me,” said Mubarak, “But the Great Pyramid of Mubarak does have a nice ring to it, eh?”

“I don’t want to cause a fuss,” continued Mubarak. “So let my legacy show I was a man of compromise. Look, King Tut got one and he ruled less than a decade, pussy. I should get three pyramids by that math! It’s not like I’m asking to be put up over in the Valley of the Kings or something. The rent over there is ridiculous.”

To ease the transition, the U.S. has offered to put Mubarak up in the Luxor in Vegas, but the President is adamant about remaining in Egypt.

“Exile is not what it is used to be,” said Mubarak. “No, I think that me, the Great Pyramid, a flat screen, a fridge, and some cold ones and I’ll be good to go.”

If his demands are met, he plans to restore the Internet to Egypt on his last day in office,.

“Oh, but Ethernet cable will need to be run for sure,” added Mubarak. “According to my IT guys, WiFi will be virtually impossible under six-million tons of limestone.”

New York, NY—Upon hearing of yet another study supporting the notion Fox News is not journalism, the Supreme Being acted.   Many feel Fox has reached absurd levels of misinformation, and that they are a joke, a joke designed to strike Discord at the heart…  OK, this does sound like us, but hear us out. Regardless, the powers that be saw fit to send three journalistic ghosts to Rupert Murdoch’s mansion in an attempt to change the CEO of Fox’s evil ways.  Or at least that was the plan.

Neighbors report hearing the sound of chains dragging and clanging, and some haunting cries before the spectral form of Walter Cronkite came bolting from the residence like a banshee.

“He seemed very distraught,” said a neighbor, who witnessed the incident but asked to remain anonymous. “It wasn’t the usual “my life ended tragically” kind of thing.  This was more of an ‘it just happened, sheer terror egress’ kind of thing. I’ve never seen a ghost look so upset.”

The effectiveness of the visit remains in question at this hour, but Cronkite allegedly texted the Ghosts of Journalism Present and Journalism Future right after the episode.  The full text, though initially classified, was released on WikiLeaks:

OMG! Murdoch is f-ing nuts. Abort! Rendezvous at Olbermann’s place

XOXO

Whereas the majority of the text message is self explanatory, the XOXO remains disturbing to many who knew Cronkite personally and never suspected he was so touchy-feely.

Cairo, EG—From the beginning, the Ghetto Shaman World Tour (GSWT) was plagued with problems. The recent upheaval in Egypt was the last camel straw.  Following citizen uprisings in Tunisia, Algeria, and Yemen, civil unrest in Jordan and the Kurdish section of Syria, and now Egypt, Daily Discord CEO, Pierce Winslow said “enough is enough.” 

“It’s no coincidence all this political unrest spawned within days of each of the Ghetto Shaman’s tour stops,” said Winslow. “I’m all for stirring the pot, but I don’t want the Discord’s GSWT to become the Franz Ferdinand of World War III.  Besides, I told the bastard not to do the Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day bit. Moron.”

While not confirmed, reports suggest Winslow received a threatening phone call from Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.  It’s also been reported “Mossad” was mentioned several times during the call.

Homeland Security states it will not lower the current threat level until the Shaman is safely back in his sweat lodge.

Seattle, WA—As for caffeine, Starbucks has always pushed the legal-limit envelope.  Sure there’s no legal limit for caffeine, but Starbucks represents the poster child for why we will eventually need one.  Before today, there were only such trendy sizes as Short (tiny), Tall (small), Grande (medium), and Venti (large). But America is all about supersizing shit, so Starbucks broke out their trusty Italian dictionary and came up with another swank word for ridiculously-oversized. Their new extra-large, the Gigantesco, translates as—we don’t know exactly—but it’s probably synonymous with permanent insomnia.  It represents 146 oz of specialty coffee with 24 shots of blood-pressure-enhancing espresso.  It’s nearly 3x the size of 7-11’s Big Gulp and you need to sign a waiver when you order it.  Oh, and financing is available for those who qualify.

A Starbucks’ spokesperson told the press today their new drink “has enough caffeine to give a rhino a schizophrenic break.”

By the way, this may well end up being the corporation’s new motto. 

They would also like to add, “Fuck you, Red Bull.”

Competitors over at Seattle’s Best argue the validity of Starbuck’s rhino analogy.  They believe the rhino in question would have to have had a predisposition for schizophrenia.

Starbuck’s maintains they are just trying to give Americans what they want, the jitters.  This is a fast-paced world, and it’s about to get even faster.  Head to your nearest Starbucks today and bring a friend…no really, it takes two people to carry it out.