Washington, DC—With the funds saved from no longer supporting National Public Radio, Republicans plan to bomb a number of, as yet to be determined, middle eastern countries.

“This is both doable and advisable,” said Fox News contributor Charles Krauthammer.

The right wing of the right wing is suggesting President Obama pay for U.S. involvement in Libya by ending funding for a program that feeds and houses homeless veterans.  For phase two of the project, Republicans hope to slash funds from NPR and bomb Syria, or some such Muslim country deemed a nuisance.

“He needs to start listening to the voice of fiscal reason,” said GOP nominee hopeful, Newt Gingrich.

When it was pointed out how defunding NPR and homeless veterans’ benefits would only account for less than 1% of the current war effort, still only in its second week, Gingrich countered with, “We have different graphs based on non-Euclidian geometry.”

When asked to explain what that meant, Gingrich, a graduate of the Michele Bachmann School of Spurious Statistics, invited America to see for themselves how wars don’t increase deficits.  This is accomplished through a powerful republican spawned pseudo-math (PRSPM).

Many on the right are enthusiastic about a return to an America on the offensive.

“Defunding NPR is win-win,” added former ambassador John Bolton.  “Less liberal slant and less Muslims, that’s two for two in my book.”

The Republicans master plan is to borrow more yen from Japan, oh shit, borrow more yuan from China…umm, their plan is to borrow more money from somebody and then bomb our way back to economic and military supremacy.

Philadelphia, PA—It’s retraction time again, folks.  We continue to make a whole host of mistakes here at the Discord—mistakes that not only damage our credibility, but continue to inflict consequences on any number of  individuals across the globe.

If you notice in the above picture, looters made off with the Pyramid of Chephren, not—as we stated in our initial post—the Great Pyramid of Giza.  So, apparently, someone made off with the not-so-great Pyramid of Giza…which is still pretty damn serious!  The B.A.C of our PhotoShoppers was also pretty damn serious and may have contributed to the error.

As for our moronic marquee moment, U.S. TO EVACUATE AMERICA, we simply forgot the rest of that sentence.  It was supposed to read: U.S. TO EVACUATE AMERICANS FROM JAPAN.   Sometimes part of the sentence slips down behind the banner, or something.  We understand why that caused a bit of panic, heh, heh, and for that we are truly sorry.

We also learned that if a horrific earthquake/tsunami hits Japan, we should wait a good 72 hours before posting a Godzilla joke.  Live and learn.

Finally, the Ghetto Shaman would also like to apologize for his crude, drunken Facebook posts last weekend.  Or, as he puts it, “Shit happens, bitches.”

We are listening to your feedback, but, please keep in mind, we’re idiots.  Most of our teachers told us long ago that we would never amount to anything.  And now, as adults, our Probation Officers would like to second that motion.

Los Angeles, CA—The arriving radioactive plume from Japan can be fun for all ages, but taking some precautions is necessary. Remember that black light you had in your room as a kid?  Well, it’s not going to be anything like that. The best place to enjoy the glow show this weekend is Southern California.  The optimum way to view the radioactive plume is to get far away from city lights, which in the case of L.A. is probably best anyway.  You might want to dress appropriately for the display, like in a radiation suit.  The World Health Organization is not sure if the dangerous fallout will create mutant hordes, some giant prehistoric fire breathing creature, or just enlarge insects of some variety or another.  Regardless, it’s best to be prepared—with a will.

There is a slight chance of growing an extra appendage or gills during the festivities. Although, gills might seem cool, don’t go in the water.  It’s probably not safe.  In the event of mutant hordes, keep in mind, they always return to their subterranean dwellings by dawn.  So you just have to stay alive until then. 

Upper winds are blowing the glowing plume right toward us, so all you need to do is grab your recliner and your iodine pills, kick back, and enjoy the show! 

Good night and good….ahahahHHaaHHAAA.  Giant crickets!!

North Pole—The White House is downplaying the possibility the notorious weather sprite, the Snow Miser, might be employed to help prevent three or more nuclear meltdowns in Japan.  The little remaining water is no longer keeping the nuclear rods in the cores contained at this time, so Obama believes a being with super cooling abilities could stave off a complete and utter disaster. 

Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, embarked to the Snow Miser’s ice castle yesterday to formally request aid from the Christmas marionette and Clause antagonist.

“We came at it from the angle, my enemy’s enemy is my friend’s…er, we won’t get fooled again!” exclaimed Clinton, who went on to explain how several meltdowns would embolden the Snow Miser’s brother and arch nemesis, the Heat Miser.  “If any meltdown would occur, the Heat Miser could reclaim some of the winter months in areas of northern Japan for tens of thousands of years,” explained Clinton.

The Obama Administration remains uncertain as to whether or not the Snow Miser took the bait and neither Clinton nor her entourage have been seen or heard from since.  Obama remains unconcerned at this time.

“I happen to know Hillary and the Snow Miser intimately, and I would be more concerned about the Miser.”

Obama denies that, should Clinton fail, he plans to send Joe Biden to enlist the aid of Mr. Freeze of Batman fame.  Although Obama admits the prospect of permanently freezing Biden’s mouth shut has a certain appeal. 

Springfield, IL—Illinois Governor Pat Quinn has announced his intention to abolish the death penalty in his state this week. Newly elected Mayor of Chicago, Rahm Emanuel, is in agreement with the decision and agrees to “knee cap shots only, from here on out.”

Whereas Democrats are united around this issue, Republicans are appalled by the decision. The move even triggered Texas Governor, Walker T. Justice, to call for Quinn to be put to death by lethal injection.

“He’s a Democrat,” barked Governor Justice, “which in my state can already carry with it a life sentence. But banning the death penalty? Time for another one of them there second Amendment solutions, if you follow.”

Governor Quinn is to be transported to the Texas State Penitentiary at Huntsville, where he will be given a lethal injection of Sweet & Tangy BBQ and cyanide. His corpse will then be dragged through the streets during an upcoming Tea Party rally. Critics of the move feel the action is “extreme” and “unjustified.”

“Look, we have a budgetary crisis in this country. It would save the taxpayers countless money if we started killing more, not less prisoners. Three hots and a cot are much, much more costly than three shots and a box. Trust me on this one,” said Justice.

Vatican, Rome—Pope Benedict, The Whatsas, astounded everyone today by announcing that altar boys will no longer be used throughout Catholicism.  From this day forward, the Vatican plans to employ only altar girls.

“Since our priests can’t seem to be trusted to keep their hands off the testaments of little boys, we had little choice,” said the Pope. “A recent internal survey found that young ladies are much safer from abuse around our current spokesmen of God.”

Pope Eggs Benedict explained his gaffe as simply an attempt at jocularity.

 “You’re supposed to start off with a joke, right?  Heh, heh.  But we certainly don’t want altar boys out of the flock entirely, especially with business as bad as it is and all.”

Alex Bone believes the serpent god,Yig, is much safer around children than Christian priests, “Besides, Yig can only swallow one child at a time.”

Republicans point out this could save the taxpayers countless therapy dollars, so they, bi and large, support the One Child’s Engulfed Behind Program.

New York, NY-A Fox News contributor is a prestigious gig.  Reporting to a studio when called and then being consistently wrong on any number of topics sounds easy—landing the job is anything but.  War crimes seem to be a good resume booster, so Oliver North has some job security for his part in the Iran Contra scandal.  Anyone named ‘Bush’s Brain’ and the ‘architect’ from 2001-2009 is a safe bet, eh Karl? Jail time for white collar crimes or impeachable offenses is always good in a pinch.

“We can’t wait until the Hammer’s paroled,” said Fox head, Rupert Murdoch, “and as for Jared Loughner, I’ve seen his little campus videos; we will be watching his career with great interest.”

Murdoch feels Loughner, the Tucson shooter, may end up their Senior Tea Party Correspondent.

“Sure, the Tea Party is full of good, honest Americans, but they do tend to pick increasingly insane spokespeople,” said Murdoch.  “They’re on track for a Loughner.  He’s a gun rights advocate and he’s already taken out some Democrats.  In the future, they’ll call that 2 for 2.”

The big question remains is Glenn Beck blowing his chances?  There’s only one prominent correspondent who got where he is today solely by inaccuracy: William Krystol, of Weekly Standard fame.  Krystol has made a career on bad predictions and faulty logic, but Beck already has some missteps in this area.  He was right about the upcoming financial crisis, long ago, and continues to point out the un-sustainability of some U.S. programs and pensions.  Sure, he’s been completely bat shit for the last few years, but is it too little too late?

Starkville, MS—The Foresters of Boston, MA were successfully relocated to a rural Mississippi community last month as part of a national effort to reintroduce the liberal species into areas where they are all but extinct.  Thus far billions of stimulus dollars have been channeled into this important project.

“If conservative thought dominates an area, it aint pretty,” said Dr. Peter Gallagher, a social conservationist from Brown University. “The introduction of new ideas is important for the intellectual health of a region.”

Dr. Gallagher believes liberals raised in captivity can be safely released into the bush almost anywhere in the continental U.S. One exception is Alaska. Dr. Gallagher fears liberals would be hunted by helicopter by a certain former governor.

Libertarians argue that the radio tracking collars worn by those relocated is unconstitutional.

“It’s for their own safety,” argues Gallagher.  “Liberals are near extinct in Mississippi for a reason.  You send someone into Jackson with an I ♥ Nancy Pelosi T-shirt and you’re going to be cutting someone down from a tree.”

Thus far results of reintroduction have been mixed.

“We’re not expecting liberal thought to thrive in these areas, but we just don’t want it to die out completely.”

Conversely, trials are underway to extend the habitats of Tea Party activists into downtown San Francisco.

“These are generally safer moves, but thus far equally as ineffective,” said Gallagher.