Fort Wayne, IN—Sarah Palin is in custody tonight after allegedly leaving her One Nation tour bus running outside of an Indiana bar, The Brass Rail, yesterday afternoon.  Her three youngest children and several pets were left in the parked bus in near 90° heat for a two hour period.  Palin repudiates claims the time coincided with the bar’s happy hour.

“Nonsense, the first few rounds were full price,” said Palin.  “There was nothing happy about it.”

The Palin’s were seen entering the Rail at 4:00 PM and police arrived just before 6:00 PM after several bar regulars reported, “There’s a big F’n bus blocking me from my F’n beer.”

Police apprehended Sarah and Todd after they returned to the bus to do shots with all of the establishment’s pool and dart league members.

“American shots,” said Palin, “distilled in American breweries!”

Distillery Clinton was unavailable for comment.

Vancouver, BC—Eleven seconds into overtime, the Boston Bruins goaltender, Tim Thomas, dove away from his crease, allowing the Canuck’s to score into an empty net and win game two of the Stanley Cup finals.  As a result, the NHL and the Rogers Arena in Vancouver is charging the goaltender for all of the costs accrued to keep the building heated, lit, and the ice cleaned between the third period and the aforementioned eleven second overtime period.

“I had to fight throngs of Canadian types to get a hot dog, and then I didn’t even get back to my seat in time,” said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman.  “We were looking for some overtime energy, some great plays, incredible feats, and what did we get?  Bupkis, that’s what.”

“I got that ice all friggin’ shiny for what, eh?!” complained a Zamboni driver at Vancouver’s Rogers Arena.   “That’s fifteen minutes of circling at low speeds that I’ll never get back, eh.”

The ‘eh’ is Canadian for ‘you know.’

According to the script, presented to the teams weeks ahead of time, one of those Sedin twins was supposed to score on a breakaway in double overtime.  This dramatic conclusion was completely derailed by the goaltender’s near immediate flub. 

“It was the finals,” said Bettman, “And it was a Saturday night game.  A lot of thought went into the choreography for this event, so I don’t have any sympathy for that bozo.  He can pay the damned bill, and for my hot dog!”

Granby, CT—When Ezra Walker found two sets of clothing by the tool shed Saturday evening, she was convinced the owner of said clothes were “taken by God.”

“I had mixed feelings at the time,” said Ezra.  “Happy for my daughter and her boyfriend but sad for me.  I mean, who would help me fend off the zombie hordes?  The good book says the people left behind would need to deal with all that SyFy Channel stuff.  Then I heard someone saying, ‘oh God, oh god, oh God’ over by the tool shed. I wasn’t sure if it was rapture related or Zombie related.  I picked up my shovel just in case.”

Ezra eventually figured out what had transpired upon entering the shed.  But the police report states “Mr. Walker used the shovel on the head of his daughter’s boyfriend ‘to kill the head…like in the movies.’”

Heaven—God admits “mistakes were made” after He decided to use a series of tornado outbreaks to suck his ‘chosen people’ to paradise.  God is blaming some of Heaven’s bureaucratic procedures for the mess. 

“Nothing but red tape,” said God.  “The forms I have to fill out just to send one giant wave into a coastal city these days is me-damned ridiculous.  And, sure, raptures only happen one time per planet, but keep in mind there are a shitload of planets throughout the multi-verse.”

When questioned, God did not know the exact number “off the top of my head.”

When asked specifically about the use of tornadoes as the vehicle for rapture, God said, “I was trying to think of something special for Earth, but then the sheer amount of vortexes became hard to control.  You try controlling a herd of tornadoes, or is it a gaggle? Excessive moisture in the atmosphere didn’t help any.  (Expletive)-ing global warming!”

God admits some chosen people were left behind, while others were taken wrongly.

“We have a Jew up here now, and the last one of those I let sneak by was in the year zero, if you catch my meaning.”

Has God lost his omnipotent status?  God reports he has only lost his ‘deity status.’ Provided he makes no other mistakes for the next ten million years, he will be fully omnipotent once again with all rights, honors and privileges granted unto.

Washington, DC`—Mrs. Tuttle died on May 2nd after being flung from a cliff during the filming of an attack ad designed to embarrass Republicans.  The piece depicted a man, similar in appearance to Paul Ryan, wheeling an old lady to the edge of a precipice before hurling her to her death.  The ad was designed to scare the elderly into believing Republicans will end their Medicare.  Many are asking questions, such as, was this murder or simply gram-slaughter?   The Democratic National Committee is claiming they had no idea the actress had not been replaced by a dummy before plummeting to her death.

“She was very quiet,” said actor Bill Stevens.  “So we all thought they had made the switch.  In retrospect, maybe she was napping.”

The Democratic National Committee has released this statement, “If Republicans get their way, we’re going to have to get used to this sort of thing anyway, right?” said DNC head Rep. Wasserman Schultz.   “This could really drive the point home for many.  Speaking of points, although Mrs. Tuttle died from her injuries, we can all take some solace that she missed most of the really big pointy rocks on the way down.” 

A second statement, released an hour later, is a retraction of sorts, “The last statement does not represent the view of the DNC, but we would like to add that the woman in question was very old.”

The Huffington Post is defending the Dems decision to hurl the lady to her death.  “She’s very brave. She will be a true martyr for the cause!  It’s like if Rosa Parks didn’t move to the back of the bus but was instead thrown under it. Yeah, it’s kind of like that,” said Arianna Huffington.

Gettysburg, PA—Iris Kleinmind is undaunted by the release of Obama’s full birth certificate.  Despite the latest proof, she plans to continue her Birther Meetup group at the Lincoln Diner on Saturday nights at 6:00 PM.  Mrs. Kleinmind’s social group started as a Tea Party Meetup, until they realized taxes were the lowest they’ve been in decades.  Glenn Beck then inspired the ladies to start a George Soros is Hitler Meetup group.

“But then we stopped understanding Mr. Beck, with or without our medications,” said Kleinmind, “so we went with a Kenya Boy was Raised in a Madrasah Meetup, which fizzled out quickly, I’m afraid.”

Kleinmind went on to say her Shutdown ACORN! Meetup was her personal favorite.

“When ACORN was finally shutdown we cheered and cheered….well, until NYC prosecutors cleared them of all criminal wrongdoing because the tapes were doctored.” 

When asked about her longest and shortest Meetup groups, she said, “The Death Panel Meetup group had a nice run, until we made the mistake of actually reading the House bill.  We never should have done that.  And the shortest was our Shirley Sherrod Sucks Meetup group, which only lasted until they released the rest of her speech the next day.”

A series of social Meetup blunders has left Kleinmind’s group more determined than ever.  She still believes, “The truther is out there!”  And, whereas she is saddened how Osama bin Laden’s death ended her Obama’s Soft on Terror Meetup, she is happy to announce her next idea: Obama Hates Israel our Closest Ally Meetup group.

“This one is a sure thing!” said Kleinmind.

Findlay, OH—The small Toledo suburb of Findlay, a usually peaceful town, was assailed by a barrage of black and pink missiles after an FU twister (or is it F2?) hit the Johnny Cum Lately Boutique yesterday. A mass of dildos, whips, chains and lingerie blanketed the town during rush hour. Autoerotic asphyxiation was given a new meaning when a car and a gag landed on the chest of Peevis Petersen.

There’s also anger with the local newspaper’s decision to go with an alliterative headline, “Flying Fornication Toys of Findlay.”  This publication would never resort to such cheap attempts at humor. This reporter is not going to mention how Findlay is an actual Ohio town that has no business even having an adult shop in the first place.   

“This is not a joking matter,” said Debra Horner. “My home was demolished but with all the exotic debris, at least I was able to amuse myself all night at the shelter.”

Most stories didn’t have such a “happy ending.” Another victim, Clyde Millman, spent his last moments on earth dodging a barrage of pink and black missiles.

“He either died very happy or in sheer terror,” said coroner Dick Plassebo, who performed the autopsy. “I’m sure it’s one of the two.”

“Thank god for the blowup doll shipment the night before,” said the boutique’s manager, Squirrelly Nick, “or this would have been much, much worse.”

The Ocean— Somewhere deep in the North Arabian Sea, a couple of sharks have left their mark and hundreds of smaller fish are relentlessly nibbling at the Arab warrior’s flesh.  Bin Laden’s big nose is host to several lampreys; there are amphipods working on his brain; and we don’t even want to tell you what some damnable hermit crabs are doing.  The ACLU is demanding that the marine life identified in an undersea video yesterday—which included two sharks, the 312 grouper, 79 blue-hake, and those damnable hermit crabs—must all be brought to justice.

“They are clearly violating his rights,” said Susan Herman, president of the ACLU.  “What is the deal with the ocean anyway?  It’s like a zoo, like an aquatic F–ing zoo!  These sea scavengers have no right to eat humans, even ones of questionable character.”

When asked about other decomposing forces, Herman said, “I’m glad you brought that up to the surface.  We shouldn’t let zoo or phytoplankton off the hook so easily.  There’s no reason for their voracious appetites, their senseless microscopic munching, and their newly acquired taste for human flesh.  But, first things first, we need to bring these larger fish to justice!  Doing that will send ripples throughout the marine ecosystem!”

Several squid had their beaks full and were unavailable for comment.