New York, NY—McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook has resigned from the company after admitting to dating a staffer. Easterbrook told The Discord today, “Sometimes those golden arches are worth all the McControversy. Hey, I’m just sayin’, she brought me a toy with that happy m—

[Editor’s note: The Whopper of a tail, Wendy’s single, Whattabugger, egg McMuff, Finger lickin’ good, spicy sausage burrito, Jimmy’s John, Hardees Grimace, and Five Guys kosher style hotdog jokes have been dumped out with the plastic tray. You’re welcome.]

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Tweet Tower—In preparation for the “liberal tricks” associated with Halloween, President Trump floated the idea of signing an executive order declaring several of his properties in a Pre-State of Emergency. The order would have allowed the deployment of 2,000 military troops to cover The Donald’s real estate assets for any potential egging, toilet papering or other seasonal mischief associated with Halloween. Critics of the move are calling this one Pumpkin-gate. The president tweeted, but quickly deleted, a warning that any attempted flaming-bag-of-dog-poo stunts would be met with sniper fire. When asked about the legal rationale for such an order, Trump said his acting-acting head of Homeland Security told his lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer the following: “Technically these are the same troops Trump illegally deployed to the border to guard, paint, and/or build his wall, so arguably this is a much better misuse of military personnel.” Ultimately a staffer shredded the executive order, but failed to take it out of the black binder first and promptly broke the machine.

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California Screaming—In a phone call many are calling “dumb,” President Trump told the Governor of CA that no federal funding would be available to fight fires for “Libsylvania Central,” unless Governor Gavin Newsom could help him come up with some snappy nicknames for the current Democratic front-runner, Elizabeth Warren. The Governor’s office has yet to comment, but claims he has come up with something in the ‘naughty librarian’ genre that he’s quite proud of. Those close to the governor believe he will not submit to this extortion, but he really wants to share the name with the media for comedic purposes.

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Tweet Tower—President Trump is standing by his decision to continue to talk to world leaders unsupervised. The consequences of a U.S. vacuum in northern Syria came swiftly after a conversation with President Erdogan led to a Turkish incursion into Syria the very next tweet #ToKillaMockingKurd. Even republican politicians seem uncharacteristically critical of the president for these developments, not the least of which involves the potential escape of thousands of ISIS fighters from regional prisons. The president urged his critics today to “go fuck themselves,” before adding: “ISIS has given me good dirt on Hunter and Sleepy Joe, and they promised me a Caliphate Trump Tower! Since Rudy can’t handle these things anymore I’ve hired Springfield’s best lawyer, Lionel Hutz!”

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Tweet Tower—As the subpoenas mount, President Trump has declared the Office of the Inspector General itself part of The Deep State, ISIS and possibly The View. The president is now charging the largest body of governmental oversight for passing along potentially “traitorous information.” In an effort to preempt anymore “salacious and unverified” reports from surfacing through normal whistleblower channels, nine Turmpwraiths vaulted from the top of Tweet Tower earlier today, each tasked with devouring one of the nine remaining OIG heads. The safety of each Inspector General is unclear at this hour, but the White House states this act is necessary to pave the way for a better, more robust whistleblower program. In an exclusive CNN Interview Rudy Giuliani said, “What is a Nazgûl? Why would the president unleash them? Of course he unleashed the Nazgûl! There are nine of them just hanging out under the North Portico basement, and he had nine potential OIG troublemakers, so what was he supposed to do? The Nazgûl are going to be the heroes when this is over.”

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Bethesda, MD—The International Kryptonic Energy Agency (IKEA) believes ousted National Security Adviser, John Bolton, is only 12-months from the development of a nuclear weapon. An exclusive McClatchy report has the undeclared uranium processing facility situated in Bolton’s basement between his washing machine and Nordic Track. Bolton maintains his efforts to develop a bomb are for “peaceful purposes only,” and he told the press today during a joint press conference with his Nordic Track that: “My home atomic energy efforts are to power my washing machine as well as my Nordic Track …you know, so I don’t have to.”

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South Agrabah—In another stunning abuse of power, a second released transcript shows President Trump demanding one more wish from Aladdin’s genie. According to the transcript, the president said, “I want another wish! This is treason, because I get a third wish!! I’m signing an executive order for another wish, right now!!! For my next wish, I want Prince Aladdin to grant me permission to build a Trump Tower in Agrabah.” The genie added under oath, “A world leader should be able to count to three. I told him, I said, you have three wishes, Mr. President, and one of them can’t be to wish for more wishes. He proceeded to wish that Biden would make more gaffes on the campaign trail, which was granted …for what it’s worth. He used his second wish to have his last tweet—the one he just hit send on while we were talking together—shifted directly to the WH private server. And for his third wish he wanted that Hillary IT guy to wipe the whole drive clean. He claims that was two parts of the same wish, but I called bleach bot. I mean, bullshit.”

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Roswell, NM—The current governor of New Mexico, Michelle Lujan Grisham, is under fire for actions taken by her office many decades earlier when a UFO crash landed in the desert northwest of Roswell in 1947. There are also reports hovering around this story that the alien children were kept in cages and received poor medical care, which may be attributed to their reptilian circulatory system and almost machine-like neurophysiology. 

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