Abbottabad, PK—More and more information is surfacing about the last days of Osama Bin Laden’s life.  His second wife, who wished to remain faceless, said, “Pot was finally starting to mellow him out. He talked less about terror plots and more about the lack of any nearby convenience stores in Abbottabad.  ‘Convenience stores are supposed to be convenient,’ he would say.  Then he would laugh at jokes like that for hours.”

As he began smoking absurd amounts of marijuana, he all but stopped his Facebook Meetup terror groups.  According to many, he was shifting his future goals away from Jihad toward opening a hemp stand somewhere.

“He didn’t want to kill anymore,” said another wife.  “In fact, he was starting to quote John Lennon songs a lot and wanted to run off to meet that Beatles Yogi guy.”

“He started running around with a new group of friends,” said still another wife.  “The beatings all but stopped and no more ‘human shield’ duty on weekends.  It was nice.  He still enforced Sharia Law, but only when he managed to stop giggling.”

U.S. Navy Seals are supporting these claims.  They confirm large amounts of marijuana were growing in Bin Laden’s compound and, during Operation Geronimo, he was found half baked and watching a Baywatch Marathon. 

Miami, FL—One J.J. Evans of Hallandale stated he was “in the can” when the announcement came reminding patrons to please turn down all cell phones during the film.  Thirty-seven minutes later, just as one of the Spy Kids was about to do something truly amazing, Mr. Evans’ Samsung started blaring Snoop Dogg’s ringtone rendition of Nuttin but a “G” Thang. 

“It was my girlfriend,” claimed Mr. Evans.  “She was just reminding me to unfriend my wife on Facebook.”

Audience members believe Mr. Evans had plenty of time to correct his mistake but chose not to.  “It wouldn’t have been so bad if he had gone with Death to Weezy or something from Doggystyle,” said one movie goer and Snoop fan.  “That would have bought the moron at least a few more seconds.”

Since the incident, Mr. Evans is still suffering from PTCSD (Post Theatric Concession Stand Disorder).  After barely surviving the movie treat onslaught, Evans is still suffering from what he describes as headaches, humiliation fatigue, and a greasy unwashable stickiness. He can’t even smell buttery popcorn now without retching uncontrollably.  Evans described the assault as being reminiscent of “a bad mother fucking day at Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.” 

Mr. Evans is planning to file a lawsuit against Regal Theaters as well as “that little bitch with the Jujubes.”

Waterloo, IA—Using the Neconicon, an ancient conservative grimorie, four brave progressives coaxed Congresswoman, Michele Bachmann, back into the hellish alternate Universe from whence she came. 

“It’s truly over,” said Dr. Sterling Hogbein of the Hogbein Institute and Sauna.   “One of the key demonic forces in politics is gone forever.”

Eyewitnesses claim Bachmann was lured to a pre-designated location by setting up a mock LBGTQ Facebook Meetup group in her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa. 

“With the elections closing in, Iowa was the obvious choice,” said the lead political exorcist, a man who wishes to remain anonymous.  “Her hometown made it perfect.  We picked a remote location on the outskirts of town, announced it on Facebook, and prepared the area using passages from the Neoconicon.  Flamboyant decoys were then placed around a table located directly over the portal.”

After she took the bait, no injuries were reported.  However, a pink Versace shirt and several matching accessories were irreparably damaged.  The Elton John impersonator also reports suffering an “awful fright.”

The unnamed spokesperson denies Sarah Palin will be a target of any future black magic ops, “No, no, Bachmann was the only genuine succubus in politics, Palin is more of a Foxgoblin.”  

The 427 individuals who now own the majority of the wealth in the United States are enslaving everyone else for the purpose of creating their extravagant burial chambers.   According to the Hopi, the Mayan, and that bald guy from Ghost Hunters, the need for large megalithic structures have occurred cyclically throughout history.  And those stars are aligned once again, signifying the onset of the granddaddy of all pyramid schemes.

Those jobs are finally here!  All you need to do is put on the harness—already en-route to your home—and then report to your designated quarry.  These are shovel-ready jobs, minus the shovel.  Due to the inherent dangers and mortality rates, there will be no workman’s compensation plans.  Oh, and if you mention the word “union” you will become a permanent fixture, so to speak.  Don’t worry Conservative types, this is just what our forepharaohs envisioned.  These are American jobs designed for real Americans. 

Dr. Sterling Hogbein of the Hogbein Institute and Sauna has addressed some of the skeptics.

“Think of it as a countrywide megalithic Jenga game. Look, the Egyptians built these things in a very arid region, thousands of years ago, under much harsher conditions.”

Although, Dr. Hogbein does admit the Koch Brother’s decision to build in the Everglades “should prove interesting.”

These mandatory opportunities will not only create jobs, but they will lower instances of obesity, diabetes, and heart disease across our great nation…at least for the survivors.  

London, GB—London Police would like to send a stern message to the rioters currently assailing their fair city.  This message is packed with sharp criticism, harsh tones, and less than subtle innuendo.    

Chief Constable Barry Higgins had this to say, “We are not only prepared to say our traditional ‘stop or we’ll say stop again’ number, but we are prepared to say stop as many times as it takes!”

The constable actually said this somewhat congenially during our interview, but insisted we add the exclamation point.  

When asked about authorizing the use of plastic bullets, Constable Higgins said, “No, but we are prepared to use bouts of sarcasm.  A focused stream of satirical quips will sting far worse than any plastic, non-biodegradable, bullets any day.”

Constable Higgins has not ruled out the use of puns but only in “extreme situations” and, as for double entendres, Higgins fears they will, “Go over the head of this lot.”  He therefore recommends a more mocking rancor designed to strike a devastating sarcastic blow to the heart of such common rabble.

Higgins feels the English bobby has a reputation to uphold, and that it’s “time to take a bite out of crime.” He then added, “But not literally, of course.”

Ernie and Bert of Sesame Street fame are speaking out against “The Street’s” decision to define the roommates as “just friends without benefits.” 

“It was an executive decision that we were not a part of,” said Bert.  “And if Henson hadn’t decided to use ping pong balls for every god damn appendage, we’d never leave the bedroom!”

Despite clearly wanting some say in the decision, the couple denies rumors they were forced to attend Conversion Therapy sessions.  “They alluded to it,” said Bert.  “PBS told us about their Flaming Muppet Assistance Program and then handed us a business card from Michele Bachmann’s husband.  We got the hint.”

Ernie, on the other hand, remains indecisive about marriage.

“Bert is kind of a manipulative jerk,” said Ernie.  “Although he’s never gotten violent, I have had to call Muppet Protective services on several occasions for what I consider to be blatant psychological abuse.”

Ernie then rattled off several episode plots as examples. 

“At least we still have imminent domain rights,” said Bert, who explained how he has been eyeing Ernie’s rubber ducky “for a good many years.”

The rubber ducky was unavailable for comment.

Phoenix, AZ— Have you or a loved one been injured, scarred, or turned into a zombie after purchasing the Ronco Brain Feeder?  If so, you may be eligible for a large cash settlement.  Waves of complaints are staggering in about the product and Ronco is facing a multitude of grisly lawsuits.   Many argue it’s a bad idea to attract zombies in the first place.  Granted they’re typically sluggish and poorly coordinated, but it only takes one bite to ruin your whole day

Not only is their Zombie Brain Feeder the issue, the Ronco Pinata has also come under fire this week.  “We haven’t had a problem this big since the recall of our Undead Slip and Slaughter,” said CEO of the week, Ben Avery. 

“No matter how you play this game there are no winners,” said Stanley Melman of Scottsdale, AZ. “The instructions make it unclear whether the players are the zombies or the children, or both.  And I can tell you from experience, you don’t want your children waiting in line with a bunch of other zombies to take a swing at a dead person’s head with a severed arm.”

“I don’t know what these Ronco people were thinking,” said Sarah Comparetti.  “I don’t know what my husband was thinking either, but at least he won’t be making that mistake again—seeing as how he’s permanently chained to a tree in the backyard.”

Taos, NM—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Laundromat, fears that the surviving cast of the former hit television series, Taxi, is in grave danger.  He believes someone on the set must have angered a voodoo priestess, a Wiccan warlock, or some other diabolical dabbler in the occult.  Andy Kaufman, who played Latka thank-you-very-much Gravas died of a rare form of lung cancer in 1984.  Back then Dr. Hogbein was only just beginning to contemplate the possibility of a Taxi curse.  He thought about George Orwell’s book 1984 and Van Halen’s album of the same name. Eventually, he shrugged off his suspicions and continued his research on Midget Teeth Whittling.

“Conaway’s recent death made me sit up and take notice,” said Dr. Hogbein.  “That’s not always easy when one considers my age and my blood alcohol content.”

After palling around with the likes of Gary Busy on recent episodes of Celebrity Rehab, Conaway died of complications involving the palling around with the likes of Gary Busy on recent episodes of Celebrity Rehab. 

Dr. Hogbein estimates that, at the current rate of two actors per 26 years, the entire cast of Taxi will be dead within 104 years. 

“This is a conservative estimate,” added Dr. Hogbein.  “Sometimes there are synchronicities and serendipitous occurrences that actually defy mere chance—like that night in Vegas when I both won money and got laid.  The Taxi curse is kind of like that for me…er, minus the money and the sex, of course.”

Oklahoma City, OK—One man is refusing to let fear and paranoia slip out of his life.

When Glenn Beck announced his last show on Fox News, James Stiles said, “I’m going to eat people.”

As a result of his new hobby, Mr. Stiles now spends his days in constant fear of that dreaded “cop” knock at the door.  He spends his evenings madly scribbling his conspiracy theories on an old chalkboard in his basement.   During the interview the board read:  

9/11 = 20 = 20/20 (liberal propaganda)
= ½ of Beck’s 40 Days/40 Nights Challenge
= Obama & Arianna Huffington’s lovechild is the anti-Christ!!

“I’m not just going to let all of that angst slip away,” said Stiles.  “Glenn created an elevated level of adrenaline in the systems of real Americans for some purpose, so maintaining that baseline level of misguided hyper-vigilance is crucial to our cause.” 

When it was pointed out how adrenaline negatively impacts higher functioning in the brain, Stiles randomly recited Drudge headlines, while sharpening a butcher knife.  Mr. Stiles believes cannibalism is keeping him scared shitless, and it also cuts down on his grocery bills.  He reports eating only liberals and progressives and babies, but one day he hopes to devour George Soros’ liver with some farva beans and a dry Chianti.

“I’m doing this for real America and I’m doing this for Glenn.  I know he, of all people, would understand,” said Stiles.

Boston, MA—The security of the Mitt Romney3000, as seen on TV, has been compromised this week.  Hackers were able to gain access to some of the Romney 3000’s secure files while it was in sleep mode.  Romney handlers are not sure the extent of the breech, but warn sensitive data might be in the wrong hands at this hour.

“Thankfully I have nothing to hide,” said one Romney3000 model.  “I have been programmed to avoid any and all scandals and to adapt to any political climate or situation.” 

Original programmers for the Romney3000 envisioned the presidential candidate actually changing skin tone and dialect to match the desired audience.  The Romney3000 is also believed to be capable of adapting to extreme environments throughout the Universe, such as the surface of Mars or Tea Party rallies.

Romney handlers claim a new and improved firewall has been created to protect Romney and his other mechanical helpers.  They are also upgrading the oral filters and improving the linguistic algorithm to avoid any perception of flip-flopping.

When asked about a potential running mate, the Romney3000 said, “Team Romney will choose the appropriate humanoid running mate, preferably one with Windows compatible software.”