Moon—GOP nominee hopeful, Newt Gingrich, estimates Earth’s future moon base will consist of millions of registered Republicans. The former Speaker has sealed a deal with mogul Richard Branson to start his campaign plans along the lunar surface.

“My journey begins after the last delegates are tallied in Tampa, so I will have the jump on the 2040 nomination,” said Gingrich.

Gingrich has already foreseen many of the problems of this new colony. “As Pink Floyd tells us, there is a dark side to the moon so a wall must be constructed to segregate those seedier space types from the common decent hard working American colonists. This will surely become a key issue to the moon people of the future.”

Gingrich is working closely with NASA engineers on specs for the first interplanetary pipeline. “This ginormous structure will suck and send all of the moon’s resources back to the Koch Brothers…er, I mean Earth.”

Gingrich believes 52 delegates may be at stake in this ever important contest. “The moon will likely become a key battleground satellite and, once we terraform Mars, I will be the first politistronaut to greet these intrepid Americans and address their galactic needs.”

Gingrich is already concerned both the moon and the Martian financial systems will be tied too closely to the government. “We can not allow our solar system to become a Soros system. We must prepare now to win the hearts and minds of these brave new cosmic capitalists.”

Amarillo, TX—Investigators are now repealing previous claims that pink slime, found in school cafeteria lunchmeat, is safe for public consumption. Additional testing revealed pink slime is actually composed of an assortment of animated sea life, high in Omega 3s.

The Pink Slime Meat premise is actually a front for a darker more terrible truth. Research on a sample suggests an assortment of Spongebob Squarepants’ characters, recently dumped by the show’s producers.

Spongebob himself discovered this after the disappearance of his best friend, Patrick Starr, and was later found screaming through Bikini Bottom, “Soylent Pink, it’s Patrick!”

Starr, Spongebob’s starfish sidekick, had a rough time getting gigs after his first round of Celebrity Rehab and disappeared last week after a self induced diabetic coma involving 18-20 Triple Gooberberry Sunrises.

The kiddos were initially saddened but consoled by a generous helping of Gary the Snail trail mix, Plankton Cakes, and Larry the Lobster tots. Although this is not yet officially confirmed, the USDA plans to buy out the remaining pink slime reserves. They plan to treat the product with green dye and market it to patrons for St. Patty’s Day. They outbid Nickelodeon’s show Slime Time Live for the three story tall vat of pinkish goodness.

Phoenix, AZ—On the evening of March 9^th a strange explosion in the Northwest Valley was captured by Fox News 10. The power company immediately denied any transformer blow outs and the large, unexplained flash of light remained a mystery, until now.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio finally made a statement to the press yesterday, explaining the mysterious flash. The Sheriff admitted he and his department used a bazooka to eliminate a flagrant j-walking menace from nearby Mesa. Parts of the j-walker later arrived at Scottsdale Medical Center, while other parts arrived at Arizona Regional in Mesa.

“We only recovered 60% of the ‘alleged’ offender,” said Arpaio, “but I can tell you one thing, that bastard will not be blatantly ignoring crosswalks again in my town.”

Sherriff Arpaio came under considerable scrutiny last year for using a SWAT team and a tank to break up a cock fighting ring that turned out to be a pacifist farmer who just loves his cock.

Rooster spokesperson, Foghorn Leghorn, had this to say, “I say, I say, this man’s a bleeping menace. He’s about as sharp as a sack of wet javelinas.”

Springfield, ??—Joseph “Putin” Quimby won Re-election today in a landslide victory over his opponent, Grounds Keeper Willy. Pundits believe that Super PAC funds from an unnamed nuclear power plant owner, and rampant voter intimidation sealed the deal for the incumbent.

Even Quimby’s harshest critics did not deny how animated he’s been throughout this campaign. Quimby, affectionately known to locals as Joe the Mayor, ran on a record of creating the 6-1/2 day work week, the squelching of all local unions, and the complete gutting of regulations at Springfield’s nuclear power plant.

Quimby told reporters, “Aside from their close proximity, there is no proven connection between the power plant and the three-eyed fish.” The Mayor also claimed the many glowing objects in the surrounding area “actually help people see at night and increases tourism.”

During the course of the race Quimby’s team, the committee to Re-elect the mayor, or CREEM, further developed that argument, eventually using the issue as a standing talking-point. They claimed it demonstrated the opponent party’s “well-known callous disregard for human life, [as the] Liberals once again put their love for enviro-fascism ahead of the welfare and safety of Mr. Burns…er, the American people.”

The Mayor’s oft invoked slogan, “You Don’t Eat the Fish’s Eyes Anyway” was met with wild cheers from his supporters.

Quimby refused to comment on his competition’s not-so-gracious consolation speech where several people were injured as Willy drove a tractor over supporters and critics alike, pumping his fists and shouting things decidedly Scottish.

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord condemns the drone attack that killed commentator, Andrew Breitbart, in the strongest possible terms. No one argues that a U.S. President has the authority to assassinate its citizens. After all, a very patriotic law made that possible. And, sure, Breitbart had some questionable journalistic practices, but who’s next? Limbaugh? Hannity? Malkin?

Well, we could let those slide, I suppose, but this power could easily be abused. What if we accidently took out Shep Smith, a relatively nice guy over on Fox News? What if he just happened to be standing next to Sean Hannity when the drone strikes? What if children are around, like the very child-like Newt Gingrich? And shouldn’t Michele Bachmann be treated for her condition, not eliminated? Is this how we care for our mentally ill? What if one of Santorum’s sweater vests gets damaged, irreparably? This practice needs to end here and now.

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, added, “Theoretically, President Obama could use predator drone strikes to eliminate his competition…if he had any.”

Many feel Breitbart’s followers are aggressive and ill informed and that such an attack “would only stir the hornet’s nest.”

“Who knows how they will retaliate,” said the Discord’s Mick Zano. “We need to reach out to moderate Republicans and use the military option against them only as a last resort. First, we should impose comprehensive sanctions designed to separate them from their trucks and their guns.”

When it was pointed out how moderate conservatives are all but extinct, Zano eventually condoned more drone strikes. “For the record, it took several pints of ale before I gave this practice my blessing, and only when they sweetened the deal by adding Coulter and Palin to The List,” said Zano.

Wadyia—Bordering on the country of Freedonia, Wadiya sits at the heart of the tribal region of outer Fictitiousitan. In an unprecedented slap to American exceptionalism, Wadiya’s dictator, General Aladeen, attended the Oscars and made a mockery of a noble American tradition.

Aladeen, known to many as the Tyrant of the Vine Street Lounge, has a list of atrocities as long as the Discord’s Ghetto Shaman. Why did the Obama Administration and the Academy appease this cruel and inhuman dictator? Despite his gross humanitarian violations, they awarded him, not one, but two tickets to the Oscars as well as a parking pass.

Here is what the dictator said on his website after the Academy caved to his demands: “Evil and all those who make Satan their protector have been driven into the Pacific Sea.”

He later clarified at an after-hours party that he meant the Pacific briny deep. Aladeen lives in the middle of the desert and has banned all Zionist maps and the internet long ago.

Aladeen told the Discord today, “I do not want this Twitter or this Book of Faces to allow my enemies to chat, or Meetup, or organize these flash of mobs. Wadiyans are a proud peoples, but they are lousy dancers with next to no fashion sense.”

Radio talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, is outraged. “The fact he waltzed into the Oscars and caused a scene bordering on assault is an affront to justice. He was initially banned for a reason. We should be stuffing sanctions so far up his Islamofascist ass he’s shitting Koran’s for a week.”

Rolla, MO—Restaurant Manager, Bob Dickson, was shocked and saddened when no one showed at his Waffle House for their special Valentine’s menu.

“We put candles on every table,” said Dickson. “We even got those mini fish bowl glass thingies from the Dollar Store for ‘em.” Upon further questioning, Dickson admitted their heart-shaped waffles looked “more like asses” and they never did switch the closed sign to open for the entire first shift.

The feedback from their regulars followed a clear pattern. It seems a lot of men suggested the Waffle House on February 14^th but the women were less than enthusiastic.

Mason explained, “The gals all responded with a similar ‘Are you f^&*ing kidding me?!’ theme. But we’re still looking at it like the glass is half full. The guys liked the idea, so we’re halfway there. You know, like that Bon Jovi song.”

When asked what song? Mason furrowed his brow. “I don’t know, but I do know the Waffle Shop is not giving up. We could cater to gay male couples. We should corner the market on that demographic for sure.”

When asked if a large gay community existed in Rolla, Mason replied, “Sure, we’re open to that kind of thing…well, in a ‘run-their-faggot-asses-out-of-town’ kind of way.”

Washington, DC – Iran has failed to meet their deadline to disarm, so President Obama warned how, in the near future, colorful metaphors are likely to descend on the defiant country.  Obama has assailed Iran with an increasingly terse tone—a tone that could escalate to swearing.

When asked if the Obama Administration is prepared to use any of George Carlin’s ‘seven words you can not say on television,’ Obama replied, “No options are off the table at this time.”

If Iran continues to thumb their nose at the global community, Obama threatened an “egregious bout of profanity not seen since the Discord’s last Crank feature.” 

Defense Secretary, Leon Panetta, stated the dropping of the F-bomb itself is not a matter of if, but when.

“Plans to do anything meaningful to suspend Iran’s nuclear pursuits have been suspended until operation Mock and Caw takes full effect,” said Panetta.  “We’re even thinking of an outright regime change, so…like, instead of referring to the Iranian regime as the ‘Iranian regime’, we’re going to call it the ‘Iranian leadership’.  See?  We changed the regime with no loss of life.”

“As for the old carrot and the stick analogy,” said Obama,  “we have used the carrot, so now the time has come to use the smaller, less enticing carrot, and, of course, an egregious bout of profanity.”

Los Angeles, CA—Actor Daniel Radcliffe, of Harry Potter fame, admitted to the press today his fate to one day face Lord Voldemort was “just too much” and may have contributed to his heavy drinking on the set.

The Potter actor feels his naked escapades with those horses in that Broadway play “didn’t help.” In retrospect, Radcliffe is just happy he managed to turn down that “Katharine the Great meets Trigger” screenplay.

Radcliffe also blames his boozular indiscretions on the eclectic and unpredictable teaching styles of the professors at Hogwarts. “Professor Snape always exuded pressure, not to mention the crazies and the ones who turned out to be werewolves,” said Radcliffe, “and I don’t recommend taking Potions & Herbology three times, if you follow.”

Friend Luna Lovegood has a different angle and “suspects Nargles” as the main reason Potter was always potted.

Championing a different theory, Dr. Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute of Wizardry, believes J.K. Rowling’s “butterbeer” is a gateway fictional drink.

“I don’t recommend spending your whole childhood drinking something called butterbeer out of a beer mug in some dingy castle pub. It’s a slippery nipple…er, slope. First you start nipping a little butterbeer and the next thing you know you’re chugging Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe.”