The year 2019 proved a tumultuous one for journalism, satire, and fake news of all stripes. This can especially be said for publications attempting to be all three. I am happy to report there were less apology segments in 2019 than in previous years, however, this is not due to our improved journalistic methods and standards, but is rather the direct result of my decreased involvement and interest. Actually, we suck even more lately, and the only change has been to our attitude about such suckage. Blunders are now cherished, promoted, relished, mustarded and even ketchuped.

Our headline Woman Rescued After 12 Days In Outback Steakhouse, should have ended with the word Outback. We’re still working to take that particular Outback, back out, so we can then stick it somewhere down under. Our feature Third Highest Ranking Republican Expected To Run From Police, should have been ‘Run For Senate.’ Although, there is a strong argument this is still a likely outcome, and to comment on our most consequential blunder of the year, as Trump as my witness our headline Every Vote Cunts was an unfortunate typo.

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The year 2019 proved a tragic one for large spheres of flaming plasma throughout the galaxy. Among those lost are ACS-J1149, Zeta BC-25, and my personal favorite 144471-Ba. One group of stars that include B-Gamma-7 and 888741-E were subsumed by a very naughty black hole from the BDSM Quadrant. Several stars such as GN-z11, HD 140283, and RX J185635-3754 just fizzled out in what scientists are calling “a not so supernova.” And our own chief celestial correspondent, Alex Bone, claims we lost the entire HR-420 cluster after Stellular Resources conducted random coronal-ejection-analysis throughout the quadrant.

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Washington—The White House is denying allegations that the bombing of three separate banks believed to be housing the president’s financial records was intentional. The Pentagon has confirmed three US drone strikes have leveled Capital One headquarters in VA, the US headquarters of the French company, Mazars, in NY, and a third location at …some Deutsche bank. The White House is maintaining these are unrelated incidents that the president himself is calling “collusional damage” and “tax erasetion.”

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Queens, NY—Steve “Stevie” Miles is concerned his past relationship as a classmate of Donald Trump’s could lead to legal peril. Miles told the Discord today, “A lot of people who’ve associated with Donnie Dingleberry over the years are being dragged into court. Yeah, that’s his nickname. What I do know is that he looked at my paper a lot during exams. I told Mrs. Magaluso once, but there was some type of coverup involved. You can see in the picture, I noticed he’s trying to cheat so I’m giving him the finger. When Donnie did get in trouble, he either paid off someone to take the fall, or he blamed The Deep District. I took the fall once. I didn’t really give Jimmy Phillips a swirlie, but for twenty bucks back then? Shit. That was the most lucrative detention stint ever. Who do you think invented the swirlie? Yep, good old Donnie Dingleberry. He was like Nelson from the Simpsons …well, if Nelson sustained a serious head injury.”

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El Paso County, CO—Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell is denying allegations that he’s worked out a scheme to hold the presidency firmly in Republican control, yet silence the baser impulses of the current occupier of the Oval Office. A senior staffer has leaked a nefarious plot to transport Donald Trump’s mouth to Cheyenne Mountain, and bury it under several miles of granite. The Republican co-conspirators hope to obtain the president’s mouth while he’s sleeping, which according to Twitter feed patterns occurs roughly between 2:00 and 2:15 AM each morning. Scientists estimate the half-life of a half-wit will allow President Trump’s mouth to continue to spout off to the surrounding radioactive barrels for the next 6.3 billion tweets.

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Washington—During the impeachment hearings today, instead of yielding his time to a fellow congressman, Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA) unfortunately said, “His Lord Satan.” After his statement a crack formed in the chamber that emitted an orange glow, flames, and a smell not unlike Rep. Eric Swalwell’s recent performance over at MSNBC. Then Rep. Adam Schiff looked on in horror as the Chair of the House Intelligence Committee slipped into a fissure that formed from deep in the Earth’s crust.

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Washington, DC—At least one scientist believes the current Trump impeachment scenario could imperil the entire planet and is therefore sounding the alarm. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, said, “This week’s hearings strike at the very core of Trump’s ego, which, if ruptured, is large enough to melt straight through to the Earth’s core. The president’s ego is supersized, so if it were a star its death throes would create a black hole; if it were a wave it would form a MAGA-tsunami, and were it a late night McDonald’s order, it would come with a very, very large coke and fries.”

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Gary, IN—A man, who we will refer to as “Gary from Indiana”, is angry after both YouTube and Facebook took down his coveted Kitty Korner blog, because he happens to share the same name with the whistle-blower at the heart of the Trump impeachment hearings. The whistle-blower’s name was briefly outed last week, but was then removed almost immediately from all major platforms on which it appeared. This move inadvertently hid the popular kitten blog, and Gary just wants to know when he can post his latest pic of a Maine Coon-Norwegian Forest hybrid named Mittens.

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Deep State Headquarters—The Daily Discord has spoken to an unnamed source claiming to be a double agent working within the intelligence community. This individual plans to appear on Hannity’s America, any day now, to expose the widespread corruption at the very heart of the Deep State. This righteous whistleblower tells a sordid tale in which an individual, akin to a liberal supervillain, was created in a secret laboratory with direct ties to George Soros and the Clinton Foundation. This fiend, known only as BleachBit, was created to subvert the American dream and to destroy the last best hope for mankind, Donald J. Trump.

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Mexico City—Fourteen woolly mammoth skeletons were unearthed this week in a mass grave 25 miles north of Mexico City. Although archeologists estimate the remains were deposited over 15,000 years ago, this has not stopped president Trump from blaming Mexican drug cartels, the cast of The View, Adam Schiff, and Hunter Biden. The president tweeted today, “The archeorthodontist says it’s murder! Drug cartels are bad! Very bad!! We see none of that money. None of it!! Unless we can work out a Trump Tower Cancun deal or something, prepare for war! My generals are ready, Andres!! Besides, Hunter has the name HUNT in it! This had better be the focus of the impeachment hearings!”

#NoExtortionNoLatinShit

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