Paris, FR—Yesterday an unexpected oddity appeared amidst the gothic spires of France’s famous Notre-Dame Cathedral.  Night watchmen were stunned to find a seventy-five pound egg resting under the gargoyle that the guards affectionately call Le Pénis.  Notre Dame’s chief of security, Louis Etienne, a man the guards also affectionately called Le Pénis, informed the Discord’s own Cokie McGrath, “This is either an elaborate hoax or a not so elaborate hoax.”  Cokie added, “Either way, we’ll know when it hatches.”

Washington, DC—To deal with the ongoing sequester cuts to the Defense Department, Barack Obama suggested they downgrade their main headquarters to a quadrilateral, something in the rhombus family.

President Obama told Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel, “It doesn’t have to be a square. Some of the quadrilateral shapes are quite intriguing.  Besides, you would never even notice unless you were flying over the Pentagon and who does that? It’s a permanent no fly zone. And you can keep calling it the Pentagon, who understands geometry anymore?”

Hagel suggested the President stop growing medical marijuana in the Rose Garden and “get real”.

An angered Obama replied, “Name one time when we needed all five walls of the Pentagon, Chuck?! I looked through all the history books and I couldn’t find one time. Hell, we could have done the downgrade right after 9/11 and saved tons on reconstruction costs. Would you rather I say pick a branch of the military to close? In that case, my vote would be the Old Navy. Those commercials, yikes.”

Moscow, RU—Only minutes after the White House announced they would not be attending September’s scheduled mini-summit, Russian President Vladimir Putin unfriended Barack Obama on Facebook. Only hours before the social site snub, Putin posted, “Some people act like my friends, but they’re really not my friends. You’ll know what I mean soon!”

The White House did not officially comment on the unfriending or Putin’s decision to change his profile picture to a pair of mocking ass cheeks, but, hours after Putin’s actions, Obama tweeted, “Someone, who we will call Glad-I’m-queer Poopin, thinks I care if we’re friends or not on Facebook! ROTFLMAO!!!!”

Many feel these two world leaders are simply blowing off some much needed steam, but others fear these social site shenanigans could escalate.

“Sure Putin and Obama have unfriended one another,” said the Discord’s Cokie McGrath, “but neither have yet to permanently block the other. Such an act could trigger a virtual cold war that may even shatter their LinkedIn partnership, which has implications for both of their future employment opportunities. Let’s pray these two at least keep sexting in private.”

Moscow—Vladimir Putin is drawing a line in the sandy Vaseline today. Gay people are not welcome in the upcoming Winter Olympics in Russia. “Any rainbows better be in the sky,” said Putin. “Sure my country is known as the great bear, but not that kind.”

Putin announced the freestyle skiing event will be changed to the KGB-style and Putin wants more gun fights during the biathlon. He then sited several James Bond movies for inspiration. “Oh, and I want to make it very clear, the biatholon pertains to combining guns and skiing; let me repeat that: guns and skiing.”

Many fear the male figure skaters will be under considerable scrutiny in 2014 as Putin added, “We are going to assume those guys have a little sugar in them.”

Putin also feels curling is gay and warned anyone caught curling will be subject to possible arrest. “I’m not too worried about the ice hockey teams, hell, I might even start for team Russia,” said Putin. “The male bobsleigh team, however, needs to remain at least three inches apart from one another at all times. If anyone looks aroused during their descent I will shoot them myself. Bunch of lugers. Hey, that’s pretty good.”

North Pole—As the North Pole turns into a giant frigid pool of water, Santa Claus is furious with the White House for ignoring his ongoing plight. Santa told reporters today, “The Land of Misfit Toys is underwater and it’s high tide over at my main workshop. Obama bails out everybody except the guy who brought him a train set for this 11th birthday. What a douche. F the polar bears, I’ve got elves up to their eyeballs over here…which, granted, doesn’t take much.”

Santa Claus is threatening to suspend all Yule time activities until Obama agrees to unilateral talks with Kringle Inc. The soggy old elf is also threatening to do a spot on Fox News. “This is all part of the liberals’ War on Christmas and, what makes matters worse, my workshop was never insurable in the first place because it was built on an ice floe. I know a bunch of insurance company personnel who are getting coal in their stockings this year. Clean coal, of course, I don’t want to lose more ice.”

Miami, FL—George, George, George of the asphalt jungle is at it again! Only hours after pulling several people from a burning SUV, the controversial neighborhood watch member turned superhero proved his mettle again; this time by saving countless children from a fiery death.

Eyewitnesses claim he prevented a toppling building from crashing onto a park filled with children. The caped Zimmerman allegedly held the building aloft until the area was cleared by emergency personnel. The mask and his outfit had people wondering if he was fighting crime or this was his alternative to the Acquitted Protection Program.

“I wasn’t sure it was him at first, with that whacky get up,” said Ella Porter of Miami Shores, “but when he started firing random shots at the fleeing black kids, we knew.”

Toronto—The National Hockey League has announced their decision to do away with their standard 82 game regular season in favor of “jumping right to the good part,” said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman.

When asked what prompted the NHL’s decision to make such a drastic schedule change, Bettman replied, “The players are still being Crosbys and I’m not dealing with their shit anymore. Besides, this is going to give me nearly a 10-month vacation each year. Wouldn’t you do that if you could? Yeah, you would.”

When questioned how teams will make the playoffs, Bettman said, “The playoff schedule will be determined based on stats from last year during a fantasy-hockey-style selection process run by the league. This has already occurred and we will be releasing the results to the public as early as next week. Hell, we can pass out Lord Stanley by Christmas so I can be back in Barbados by New Year’s.”

Reports suggest the teams who made the playoffs are excited for the October start and those who were eliminated are suing the National Hockey League for lost revenue.

Hatfield, PA—Earlier this week the CHL, parent league to three Canadian Major Junior Hockey leagues, the WHL, OHL, and QMJHL, announced that starting with this year’s draft, European goalies will only be eligible in the first round. This restriction will radically decrease the number of European goalies in the league.

“For me, it’s all about opportunity,” said Ron Tugnutt, the CHL’s former goalie consultant. “There’s nothing wrong with goalies in our country and there’s nothing wrong with how we’re developing them. They’re just getting, as Roman Maroni once said, ‘pucked up the ice hole.’”

Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord and winger for the Castoffs, a Hatfield 30+ Men’s C-League team, disagrees, “I think Canadian twelve-year-olds are bunch of whiny pussies. The reason they’re not getting ice time is because they suck.”

Winslow has extended an invitation to any European goalie excluded from the draft due to this new ruling. “Hey, we don’t play this exclusionary shit,” said Winslow. “Consider this an honorary puck to citizenship. Hell, even our ‘men’s league’ team has a chick on it, so I think we can easily wave that 30+ crap. I’ll even take a twelve year old girl; especially a twelve year old girl. The one on my team makes Zdeno Chara look like…well, a twelve year old girl.”

Washington, DC—Liz Cheney’s exploratory committee is already steeped in controversy. After deciding to run for a senate seat in Wyoming, the former vice president’s daughter allegedly wiretapped a number of politicians and journalists alike in an attempt to gather information she claimed, “Is vital to American security.”

Cheney is standing by her decision to eavesdrop on potential political rivals and told critics today, “My actions are legal under the FISA Amendment of 2008, the Patriot Act of 2003, and the My Daddy Knows Where You Live Accord of 2013.”

Other reports suggest incumbent, Senator Mike Enzi, was waterboarded yesterday by Cheney in his Casper office headquarters.

Cheney told critics, “Such activity is now legal under the Geneva Conventions and international law.” We’re Kidding! She just said, “Our founding father would have wanted it this way,” and then added, “Look, I don’t have a campaign manager yet, so I will need to implement my own enhanced election techniques until these duties can be delegated to either my Secret Political Commandant or my Black Ops Campaign Financial Manager…until then, deal, bitches.”

The Pacific Ocean—A Japanese fishing vessel went missing just after the captain reported a near miss with a giant black iceberg. His last words were, “The iceberg…it saw us!” We all know what that means; Godzilla is back in town, well, not our town. You see, Godzilla is a racist. He only targets the Japanese. Isn’t it time Godzilla stopped supporting a Republican agenda? Grow up Godzilla. Learn to kill indiscriminately, like Obama.