Barnes & Ignoble—John Bolton was again thrust into the spotlight yesterday as calls for the Former Security Adviser’s impeachment testimony grows to a deafening meh. Theories for Bolton’s reluctance to testify vary, but his voice becomes even more crucial as the president hones his latest misadventure: Operation Where’s Tehran Again? Bolton issued a statement today, “I have conflicting obligations regarding my potential congressional testimony, or lack thereof, in the upcoming, or not upcoming impeachment hearings, which I can neither confirm nor deny. There is my obligation as a citizen to testify to congress, but I also have an obligation to honor executive privilege. Thus far I have chosen to honor the wishes of the White House, because they gave me the opportunity to masturbate, not once but twice in the Pentagon’s War Room. I also have an obligation to the people of this great nation …to probably clean up after myself next time. But I can tell you this much, I will not be testifying anywhere until America stops confusing me with Grammy Award winner, Michael Bolton.”

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The Discord had the chance to interview several ancient philosophers regarding the Founder’s vision of impeachment proceedings. These discussions occurred during a Ouija board session that ironically included several session IPAs from Founders. Socrates admitted from the onset that he is a SINO, or a Sophist In Name Only, but Plato immediately argued he was never considered a sophist in the first place. Plato reasoned Socrates could potentially become one through the world of the senses, but then it would be more accurate to call this an ontological becoming. Neither would discuss Trump’s situation and told us to “piss off,” because they were just starting to watch season one of Hemlock Grove on Netflix. The sophist Zeno of Elea did comment on the impeachment by reminding everyone how an infinite number of halfway points exist between the House and the Senate, and since no one can traverse an infinite number of anything, he argued the Articles of Impeachment could never truly reach Mitch McConnell’s desk. He recommended both sides visit his pub at Penn State instead, but then argued against the journey by citing the same ‘motion is illusion’ premise.

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Baghdad, IQ—Many believe the U.S. Embassy in Baghdad was saved by the quick thinking of ambassador to Iraq, Mathew Tueller. Those close to the ambassador claim he was determined to not let his compound be “totally Benghazi’d,” so several naked sculptures and paintings of President Trump were positioned around the perimeter of the facility. On Tuesday hundreds of Iran-backed militants surrounded the embassy in response to what they perceive as The Daily Discord’s unfair coverage of the Kardashians. The reasons for the siege have not been independently verified, but we’re going with it.

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Tweet Tower—Over the Christmas recess President Trump finds himself in a very strange and precarious yule-time political state, one in which he is clearly impeached, yet not quite impeached—at least not until the articles of impeachment reach the Senate. Historians fear that, if unresolved, the asterisk next to his name will require a second asterisk. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Pho, explains, “The president resides simultaneously in both political realities. You can not say he is impeached, but you can not say he is not impeached. You could say he is not-not impeached, but I wouldn’t go there-there. I would go halfway there, intermittently, and wait for someone to look, because both quantum and impeachment states require a witness. On a side note, I like to collapse quantum states when I am, or am not, being ejected from a local establishment. Quantumatically speaking, when the impeachment moves to the Senate, it hinges on the presence of an observer, but here’s the rub: if quantum collusion has already occurred, no matter how far Trump has the witnesses driven into the swamps of New Jersey, Bells Theorem kicks in. And it’s never a good idea to have a Bell involved when you’re attempting to bury the bodies. Einstein called this, Spooks Activate To Find Bodies At A Distance.”

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The North Pole—Each year NORAD tracks Santa’s sleigh and gives constant updates on its exact GPS location. NORAD relays Santa’s real time whereabouts, his next stop, and how many gifts he’s already delivered to all the good little girls and boys across the globe. This year many in the intelligence community are concerned this might be too much information in the hands of the nefarious. North Korea has recently expanded its long range ballistic missile capabilities, which could now deliver a nuclear warhead for the holidays in lieu of coal. Kim Jong Un promised President Trump a “Christmas surprise.” The Discord may have just have cracked the NK code and it’s not very Christmasy. The White House is denying President Trump received a card from Un, entitled Yule Be Sorry.

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Graham Cracker Manor, SC—Those close to Senator Graham (R-SC) believe he has been visited in a single night by the ghosts of John McCain, Ronald Reagan, and for some reason Slimer from the movie Ghostbusters. Former Senator John McCain allegedly told his dearest colleague, “I am here tonight to warn you, Eberlindsey Graham, that you have yet a chance to avoid your fate, which is to forever to be labeled a complete partisan hack and sellout. Oh, and sorry in advance for Slimer; Nixon was double-booked.”

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Tweet Tower—The entire intelligence community is on edge at this hour after President Trump inadvertently outed the country’s Secret Santa during a phone conversation with Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov. The Director of National Intelligence, Joseph Maguire, told The Discord, “Since the president has revealed the Secret Santa, we are concerned that Angela Merkel is now going to know the United States just got her a coffee mug.” Meanwhile, republicans are seizing on the news and calling for an investigation into the makers of the coffee mug, claiming Democratic front-runner Joe Biden was seen with a similar coffee mug near an airport with international flights to Kiev.

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Twas The Night Before Impeachment, and all through the House,

Not another witness was subpoenaed to bring down this louse.

The evidence was presented by the judiciary chair,

In the hopes a conservative senator would bother to care,

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