Washington, DC—No one was more surprised than President Obama when a letter arrived at the White House stating he could no longer stay covered under his existing insurance policy. The administration is currently scrambling to use the Healthcare.gov website to find the Obama’s suitable coverage.

The President minced no words, “I want to say for the record that if I was eligible for Obamacare my children could have stayed on my policy until they were 27, which is clearly an advantage for those 11-people who qualify.”

Obama admits he spent “endless MFing hours” logged onto Healthcare.gov trying to sign up for a comparable plan, but he is confident he and his family will be enrolled by the January 1^st deadline. Obama emphasized to his Secret Service staff the importance of keeping the Obama’s safe during this uncertain period and he may be forced to cancel his next 47 vacations overseas. He recommends average Americans having trouble enrolling do likewise.

The President is denying allegations he is considering the authorization of drone strikes against certain Healthcare.gov servers as well as the District of Columbia’s state exchange itself. “Preposterous,” said Obama. “I am hoping the threat alone will suffice.”

Washington, DC—In conjunction with the Pizza Palace, President Obama is offering a free pizza with every successful Obamacare enrollment. In light of recent cuts to the food stamp program, many in and around the beltway are calling this a brilliant move.

“The same people who had their food stamps reduced last month could really use some free pizza about now,” said President Obama. “Their pain is our gain. If you enroll on the healthcare.gov website and your pizza doesn’t arrive within 30-minutes, your first year of healthcare is absolutely free!”

Republicans are already crying foul and pointing out a list of broken delivery promises.

The President countered, “Some may qualify for a free 2-liter bottle of soda with your healthcare package, but I’m not giving out west wing wild wings, or stuffed catastrophic crust plans, or free death panel deep dish pizzas. Republicans are just making shit up again. But, if you call in the next hour, you can get some crazy behavioral health bread coverage at no additional charge.”

Canton, OH—When a drone ended up over 1,700 miles off course and in the laps of Fred and Margret Montaigne, the Pentagon called it a “major malfunction.” New facts have emerged that the exploded couple were the in-laws of the same drone operator, Major Gary Horowitz.

“I don’t think that’s a coincidence,” said the Discord’s field reporter, Cokie McGrath. “A coincidence is when Bone and Zano get thrown out of the same bar, the same night, for different reasons. This is suspicious.”

Army psychiatrist Dr. Sterling Hogbein admits Horowitz’s behaviors during the days and weeks preceding the incident were odd. “He would scribble Must Drone In-Laws Nicholson-Shining-style for hours on end,” said Dr. Hogbein. “And each time I’d show him an inkblot, he’d say, ‘It looks like a drone targeting my in-laws. I am a drone operator, you know. This is a cry for help.’ Anyway, I don’t know how anyone could expect me to connect those dots.”

When pressed further, Dr. Hogbein became defensive, “Look, no one could have seen this coming, except maybe the Montaigne’s, of course, from about mile out.”

The Ground—Hundreds of planes fell from the sky yesterday shortly after the announcement from the FAA that all passengers could safely turn on their electronic devices inflight. Several planes actually crashed into Obamacare which many are calling suspicious.

“It’s bittersweet,” said one FAA manager, Harry Bostwick. “It’s sad to see all those people die, horribly, but it’s nice to know we were right all those years to have people shut off their damned iShit.”

The FAA claims it was under a lot of pressure “from that guy in 4C” to lift the ban on inflight electronic devices. “Eventually we were like, okay whatever, anything to shut that guy up,” said Bostwick. “On a good note that guy died, horribly, when his plane crashed into Obamacare.”

The FAA admits part of their reluctance to lift the ban involved a fear of losing inflight movie revenue. “It was never about safety,” said Bostwick. “It’s always been about that extra two bucks per passenger for Hangover 2.”

Washington, DC—The White House believes it has obtained solid intelligence indicating that the Pope is spying on God. These revelations come on the heels of allegations that the U.S. is now spying on the Pope. “Yes, we are spying on His Holiness,” said President Obama, “but only because we have evidence that points directly to his wrongdoings. If Pope Francis is listening to God’s deepest thoughts and wishes, without his consent, it is a breach of trust unparalleled in human history.”

The White House maintains that communicating with God when he is aware is standard Papal operating procedure (SPOP). According to recorded NSA conversations, however, this new Pope is listening in without God’s consent.

Do God’s latest revelations merit another tablet? “DID YOU SEE THAT LAST COLBERT TWEET? ROTFLMAO” and, “I’M NOT GOING BACK TO THE BLOODY SAFEWAY TODAY, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? I’M GOD?” and finally, “IF I HAVE TO ATTEND ONE MORE TEA PARTY MEETUP GROUP, I SWEAR I’LL GO ALL SODOM-AND-GOMORRHA ON THEIR ASSES.”

President Obama added, “It is imperative we know when the 2^nd coming is coming. Homeland Security is not going to stand idly by as a sizable percentage of our citizens up and vanish. And the rapture is expected to negatively impact ten times more Democratic districts. Dems could lose the Senate and the White House, not to mention the cost associated with locust pest control.”

Washington, DC—The Obama Administration has enlisted the aid of an important fictional superhero to help children understand why their family members have died while waiting for Obamacare coverage. Rocky and his trusty sidekick, Glitchy the Death Panel Pigeon, are already visiting numerous state exchanges, in full Kevlar, to explain recent enrollment glitches.

“Glitches are part of any new process, kids,” said Rocky. “Just ask my friend, Glitchy!” Unfortunately, by this time Glitchy had already passed out in a nearby alley.

President Obama expressed his deep disappointment in Glitchy’s performance today, but blames republicans for the iconic sidekick’s sudden turn to alcohol. The White House is not officially commenting on the rocky rollout for Rocky the Rollout Rodent, but an unnamed Obama advisor hinted that all government employed superhero-types were greatly impacted by the sequester.

Pauli the Stimulus Package Panda was unavailable for comment.

Los Angeles, CA—A popular L.A. restaurant turned into a bloodbath yesterday as the cast of The Walking Dead poured into the entrance of Trader Vic’s en masse. Witnesses describe the utter chaos that ensued as utter chaos. Sorry, Thesaurus.com is down again.

One NRA member said, “When you hear screams and then you see a bunch of zombies all over the place, that’s probable cause. I commend those brave men and women who acted decisively, with head shots, to defend our freedoms from the zombie oppressors.”

One witness, currently charged with two counts of manslaughter, added, “What if this was the initial outbreak and we didn’t do anything? People would have been really pissed.”

Liberal witnesses feel differently, “I don’t know why gun-totting conservative types were there in the first place. This is Los Angeles for God sakes. When are they going to finish that Arizona/California state border wall? It can’t happen soon enough.”

Many in Hollywood are concerned about next week’s Game of Thrones cast party.  Actor Peter Dinklage said, “Sure we’ll tie the dragons up outside, but none of us are leaving our weapons at the door. Not in this town.”

Washington, DC—The White House is back-peddling after news broke that the official Affordable Care Act website does not come with Geek Squad protection. It looks like the taxpayers may now be responsible for the extra tech-support. This latest blow to the ACA’s rollout is already being considered a “major oversight” by Washington insiders.

Speaker John Boehner is furious. “Americans are now being asked to shoulder thousands of extra dollars, per hour, just to keep this job-killing-atrocity limping along.” Boehner wanted desperately to add the associated lousy acronym joke (ALAJ) but could not figure it out.

“We did miss the thirty day window to add tech-support cheaply to the ACA,” admitted Obama, “but the patriotic members of Geek Squad have already agreed to work for the AAA rate, which could save the American taxpayer untold gazillions. Now that we paid more, just think of the extra Reward Zone points each American is eligible for over at Best Buy.”

“It’s untold because Obama won’t tell us!” said Boehner. “God forbid our AAA status gets downgraded to AA, we will have to attend those meetings every night without any guarantee of drinkable coffee.”

AM radio Republicans are calling this the worst thing to happen to America since the day The Pentagon forgot to update its antivirus protection.

Washington, DC—In a quiet backdoor deal, the U.S. Government has sold the Washington Monument to the Chinese for what President Obama is calling “a shitload of loan forgiveness.” It is hoped this move will really help the U.S.’s long term deficits and by that Obama added “not much.”

Republicans are criticizing Obama’s choice to sell off historic landmarks as Speaker John Boehner is calling the move, “Operation Hock and Pawn.”

In related news, our national parks will open soon but they will also be under Chinese control. President Obama is putting as positive of a spin as he can on this event. “The transition should be seamless,” said Obama. “Yearly national park passes are actually expected to drop under China’s management, well…umm, with the mandatory implanting of the required monitoring chip and DNA sample.”

Libertarians are having a field day with this required monitoring chip. No, literally, they are all signing up and then playing field games wherein they can track one another’s whereabouts and progress. Yes, our current libertarians are idiots but our parks are open!

New York, NY—In order to increase the pain on all things nerd, Barack Hussein Obama closed all Comic-Con events until the republicans quote, “bend over and take that shit.”  This news has caused carnage outside of the next hosting facility, the Javits Center, in downtown Manhattan.  An unnamed employee said, “We haven’t seen anything like this since George Takei cancelled an appearance for a Start Trek Convention back in ‘08.”

A nearby Quality Inn was the scene of widespread panic and despair as throngs of superheroes and villains alike wept uncontrollably.  A Tardis was hurled from a third floor balcony in anger, luckily it was only made of cardboard. Later that evening gangs of Siths, X-Men, and several Green Lanterns took to the streets and were later mugged.

One gentleman dressed in a Groo costume said, “They must take me for the fool that I am!” before he was crushed by a second falling Tardis.