Tehran, IR—Barack Obama may well be playing softball with Iranian nukes, but he minced no words as negotiations came to a close yesterday. Iran must sign up a minimum of two million of their citizens for the Affordable Care Act or face crushing sanctions.

“This is win win,” said Obama. “Iranians can be assured, not only of insurance, but of a minimum standard for healthcare. The ACA-Iran will also bring me much closer to my goal of six million enrollees by March 31st.”

Republicans are enraged. Many on the right feel mandatory signups for foreigners is unconstitutional. “Iran is not America,” said Ted Cruz (R-TX). “I just Google mapped it. Hell, it’s not even part of our constellation.”

Texas Governor Rick Perry also voiced his concerns, “There’s three reasons this is not okay. It’s not, as Mr. Cruz said, even part our constellation. Second, Benghazi and three….”

Mr. Perry is going to get back to us.

Cheyenne, WY—Liz Cheney, daughter of Sith Lord Voldemort, has ended her campaign for a Wyoming senate seat. Upon conceding her senate aspirations, she cackled manically to the press, “If you will not give me political power I will turn this country into a frozen wasteland!”

Immediately following her statements a large swath of the country was plunged into subzero degree temperatures. Cheney admits her father authorized Operation Deep Freeze, but she is currently denying allegations she used her powers to trap those global warming researchers deep in Antarctic ice. “Wish I had thought of that but, sadly, no,” said Cheney.

She went on to explain how “pulling a Palin” would allow her to spend more time enjoying the simple pleasures in life, like tormenting her lesbian sister further on Facebook or waterboarding. “And enhanced interrogation techniques are so much funner with icicles,” said Cheney.

Marion, OH—Joshua Linskey admitted to our own Cokie McGrath that his decision to take down the poster wasn’t an easy one. The Farrah Fawcett poster holds considerable nostalgia for Mr. Linskey, a nostalgia reaching clear back to his first masturbatory experiences.  Despite the impact of the emotionally charged event, the Ohio man tried to maintain his sense of humor.

“I guess sometimes it’s time to say Farah-well.”

Before taking down the poster, he asked to be alone for a moment—a moment that took about ten unsettling minutes.  Then, with great care, he removed the poster in the presence of our own Cokie McGrath, who may opt to sue Mr. Winslow for his insistence she cover this story. Linskey denied allegations the poster, hanging in his room since 1978, had any impact on his inability to date.

“No, it’s probably just my grating personality, or, then again, it could be the Styx poster next to it.” The Styx poster is slated to come down in the spring of 2014.

When asked what he does with the posters once they are down, Linksey replied, “You don’t want to know.”

San Francisco, CA—Chaos erupted Christmas Day amidst a live nativity scene as a number of people and animals alike were arrested by liberal activists. All of the participants in the reenactment of Jesus’s birth in Golden Gate Park were charged and detained for crimes against secularism. One wise man received a black eye during his arrest and a camel later asked The Discord, “Can you post this on Wednesday? I’ll explain later.”

“This isn’t the stone age,” said one eye witness. “The messiah needs to be born in a proper hospital with the mother under general anesthesia. Besides, the whole thing was set up less than a block from a government building, which clearly blurs the line of church state.”

Republican types believe this is more evidence of a War on Christmas. Senator Nancy Pelosi (D) was quick to counter. “Due to sequester cuts the nativity scene was grossly under secured, so don’t go there.”

Barack Obama is denying allegations that the nativity participants were water boarded at Guantanamo Bay. “Nonsense,” said Obama. “We did the deed over at the nearby naval base in Alameda. It is hoped our actions will allow countless atheists to sleep-in this Sunday, and we also knocked some frankincense into that one fella’. Wise man? More like wise ass.”

The Heartland—In those predominately red states, where teachers are now packing heat, schools are finding “significant increases in the handing in of homework assignments.” While bullying and other behavioral issues remain at an all-time low, better grades and participation keep rising.

Mr. Hiatt of Springfield Middle School said, “No one sleeps in my class, ever. It’s awesome. The threat of being shot in the face is really having a positive impact on overall testing performance as well.”

Thirty seven percent more students are needing behavioral health and mental health support, but the NRA is calling this increase “regrettable but acceptable.”

“We want firearms to simply be a deterrent,” said NRA President Wayne LaPierre. “We are not looking to have kids shot by their teachers for not doing their algebra [creepy laughter], especially when nine times out of ten a warning shot will suffice. And nine out of ten is 90%. I know that because my teacher cold cocked my ass when I was learning percentages.”

Washington, DC—To the horror of onlookers, President Barack Hussein Obama sent a flare hurdling toward our national Christmas tree at the onset of the tree lighting ceremony. Obama cackled maniacally as the 31-foot-tall Colorado blue spruce burst into flames.

The President later told the press, “I am not running for office again, which allows me to focus more of my energy and attention toward the War on Christmas.”

In related news, heightened security for Santa is believed to have thwarted at least one atheist terrorist cell plot targeting the Macy’s Day Parade. Homeland Security claims the group plotted to both egg and toilet paper the jolly old elf for what they are calling “crimes against secularism.”

As one of his final actions as Mayor, Michael Bloomberg boosted security and ordered NYPD to use lethal means should the President come within two blocks of Rockefeller Center. “Or if he’s carrying a soda product above the 16-oz legal limit,” added Bloomberg.

Bangor, MN—Sardines, a small fish in the herring family, are on the warpath—and by warpath we mean lined up in tightly regimented rows of obstructionism. Many of these scaly dissidents are protesting what they are calling inhumane conditions inside their tins.

One sardine said, “We’re packed in here like, like….um, like…uhhhhhh. I got nothin’.”

“I can’t even move my flippin’ fins,” said a second fish. “And I don’t think the guy next to me was properly eviscerated before he was canned, if you know what I mean.”

Critics are bristling. “This is another example of an entitled society under Democratic leadership,” said AM radio host, Rush Limbaugh. “I’ll bet Obama is going to hand them a pile of food stamps and let them all live in tin cans the size of the International Space Station. I’ll tell you who’s going to take it in the can on this one, the American tax payer, that’s who!”

Los Angeles, CA—Late Saturday night Lindsay Lohan walked away from an accident that left four pedestrians and two mastodons injured. The police believe her jet black Maserati was exceeding 90 MPH through a residential area when her car crashed through a six-foot fence and became mired in the very pit of tar that killed the mammoths.

LAPD chief, Bill Tyson, stated, “This is the second time this week Miss Lohan’s vehicle came to rest in the pit at the corner of La Brea and Wilshire. Well, it’s better than that time she ended up in the Griffith Observatory’s planetarium.”

Live on the scene, Cokie McGrath, agreed, “This is clearly better than the Griffith Observatory incident. Survivors reported thinking her headlights were just a binary star system and part of the show. Today is more like The Fast and the Furious meets the Olyphant’s siege of Gondor. I don’t know if Lohan’s plunge into this pit of tar is a euphemism, or a metaphor, or a pun. I really don’t…I’m a reporter, not a journalist. I leave that kind of shit to Zano.”

The mastodons were unavailable for comment, but Zano is going with pun.

Washington, DC—President Obama is on the defensive as evidence has surfaced suggesting last year’s pardoned turkey, Cobbler, has rejoined a known Thanksgiving Terrorist group. The Federal Bureau of Ornithology believes the turkey is fighting with the same gobbler-cell responsible for the Great Boise Butterball Basting, the St. Cranberry’s Sauce Massacre, and the Turkey Tetrazzini Terror over at Aunt Betty’s house.

Barack Obama minced no garlic, “Pardoning turkeys is a time honored White House tradition and this is the first bird ever suspected of rejoining with fowl militants. Should this rumor prove true, the full power of the White House kitchen staff will be brought to bear.”

Acting head of the Department of Homeland Security, Rand Beers, added, “We are winning the War on Thanksgiving! America is safe! Or at least it soon will be…you know, when that little temperature thing pops up on its belly.”

Wasilla, AK—To protest the FDA’s decision to ban trans-fatty acids, Sarah Palin arranged a defiant demonstration. To the horror of onlookers she proceeded to chug a bucket of partially hydrogenated oil. More determined than ever not to be labeled a quitter, the former Governor of Alaska finished the bucket within minutes and then joked about having a second bucket for dessert.

“I admit I didn’t know a lot about this topic until recently,” said Palin, burping. “I always thought Trans Fats were those chubby men who dress like women. But now that I took the time to thoroughly understand this issue, I believe this is another attack on our freedoms. Americans should be able to decide for themselves what they should and should not eat, and if I like to slurp on a nice warm bucket of partially hydroconstipated oil then so be it.”

Palin burped again before projectile vomiting all over those in attendance. “And that’s not just throw-up, folks,” she said, before wiping her chin. “That’s the sweet chunks of artery clogging freedom, you betcha that is!”