Taos, NM—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Buffalo Wings, has posited an entirely new theory regarding the anatomical structure of the Tyrannosaurus Rex. Dr. Hogbein believes these impressive creatures still roam the Earth, “every time I mix salvia and happy hour well-drinks.”

The image (above) was originally sent to the Paleontological Institute in Ithaca, NY, after being scrawled across a bar coaster from nearby Ithaca Brewing Company. World renowned T-Rexpert, Dr. Robert Bakker, did not return our calls so we contacted the actor who played the paleontologist in those Jurassic Park films. And now we have another restraining order.

Despite a wave of mounting ridicule, Dr. Hogbein is not backing off his theory. “I know what I saw after last call in Ithaca, in that alley, after ingesting massive quantities of illict substances. And if I ever see that grungy shit show of a homeless person, I promise to [CENSORED].”

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, added, “I love Ithaca Brewing Company! I even wore one of their T-shirts during our last news bulletin. What was the question again?”

Narnia—As the bad news for Obamacare lessens the GOP is searching farther from home for controversy. They are now turning their attention to Narnia. Three fauns allegedly spent weeks on the exchanges trying to get healthcare before being devoured by a dragon. In another instance, a centaur could only get the human part of his body covered medically, because the legislation failed to foresee coverage complications for human-animal hybrids (HAH!).

“This is further proof of a failed policy,” said AM radio host, Rush Limbaugh. “Obamacare is not only wrecking our world, but this law is starting to impact the lives of creatures across the multiverse. Something I, and many others in my party, accurately foresaw. Besides, why should my hard earned tax dollar go to the healthcare of some talking badger in the first place?!”

Enrollment data suggests not enough young and healthy mythical creatures are signing up in the exchanges, which could impact premiums in 2015. Also, numerous dwarves, some as old as 150, are being wrongly designated as children so remain covered under their parents.

Mr. Obama responded earlier today by saying, “There were many inherent challenges signing up folks from Narnia. There was no existing infrastructure there so all applications were done by hand, and as a result many of our volunteers were eaten. This will not stop our plans to expand coverage of the Affordable Care Act to Middle-Earth by 2015.”

Newport, KY—The GOP is still reeling from the House Majority leader’s recent condemnation of his party’s own think tanks. Republican frontrunner, Rand Paul, is now in damage control. With The GOP fast becoming the anti-intellectual party, Paul felt the need to round an important metaphorical corner. So his campaign resolved to tour with the chair that appeared next to Clint Eastwood during the 2008 Republican Primaries.

Rand Paul claims the decision to tour with the inanimate object was a “surprisingly easy one”. Paul told reporters today, “What was everyone talking about after those primaries? That chair. More than anything else, folks were talking about that chair. That chair crossed political lines and captured the hearts and minds of America. More than science, more than math, more than data, we need a symbol in this country, and I believe that chair could be our next Liberty Bell, only in chair form.”

Coral Gables, Fl—Former Governor of Florida and presidential hopeful, Jeb Bush, has proposed a new family tree suggesting he is in no way related to his brother, George W. Bush. The news came as quite a surprise to the rest of the Bush family, who always felt there was some relation between the two siblings.

“As you can clearly see from this graph,” said Bush, “…uh, that Mick Zano Photoshopped onto a Holiday Inn conference room wall behind me (throat clear), that I am in no way related to my brother, George. In fact, Ancestry.com recently sent me a letter urging me to send back the leaf that represents George on my family tree. It’s all part of some massive ancestral-relational recall thing. It’s really complicated stuff involving quantum lineage, genealogical anomalies, and vodka spritzers. Bottom line, he’s not my real brother. It all makes perfect sense, I mean, the rest of the Bush’s can read and write.”

Barbara Bush, the mother of at least one of the brothers, said, “I’m happy for Jeb, because he now has a promising political future, but I’m sad for George, who only paints now…well, it’s coloring really as the outlines are already on the page. He stays in the lines, though, which is better than he did in office.”

U.S./Mexico Border—Under the incompetent leadership of Barack Hussein Obama, rock attacks on our border agents have only increased. Such attacks are endangering our border patrol agents, but new evidence suggests these Weapons of Metamorphic Destruction are American in origin. The tracking of rocks started under President Clinton, but the Obama Administration and Homeland Security expanded this ill-fated program. Now it is believed many of the rocks that injured our border agents were part of a program known as Blast and Igneous designed to track pointy rocks as they travel back to Mexican drug cartels.

Arizona Senator John McCain said, “These rocks were all accounted for under republican leadership, but under Obama they’re now painting crude numbers on the bottom and then hoping for the best. It’s criminal negligence. These rocks are now scattered all over the border region. Does the government know where all these rocks are? Does Obama know where all these rocks are?” McCain is the ranking member of the Senate Subcommittee on Pointy and Potentially Lethal Projectiles (PPLP).

White House spokesman, Jay Carney, told the press, “Obama has not been sedimentary on this issue, so he doesn’t give a schist about more republican mudstone slinging. So start making gneiss. Get it, gneiss?”

Las Vegas, NV—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, believes Ancient Veganitians built the 15-story casino hotel for the sole purpose of human sacrifice.  Using astronomical and archeological techniques, Dr. Hogbein has dated the massive Las Vegas structure to early 1991—more specifically, construction began between Nirvana’s music video Smells Like Teen Spirit and Weird Al Yankovich’s video spoof of Nirvana’s work, Smells Like Nirvana.

With only a ladder to aid him, Dr. Hogbein attempted to decipher the ancient obelisk that stands before the mighty structure.  However, his efforts were soon thwarted by hotel security, who immediately escorted him off the premises. 

Dr. Hogbein claims, “Hundreds of thousands of victims were sacrificed to the ‘Serpent of Chance’ (Gamblycoatl), as well as the ‘One Armed Bandits’ (Slottakayaloot).”

These ancient gamblers were repeatedly beaten with black jacks and spun on diabolical torture devices known as Roulette Wheels.  Hogbein also posits that, despite their name, Veganitians were carnivores.  By combing the entire sewer system under the ancient structure, Hogbein discovered a menu that apparently had meat listed on it.

Lausanna, Switzerland—After the recent actions of Vladimir Putin, The International Olympic Committee is asking everyone to return their medals as they are nullifying the results of the event. The committee hopes to still be able get in the real Olympics before the spring and they are eyeing Mt. Everest and other spots in the Himalayan Mountains as the altitude will “buy us some more time for set up before spring.”

Vladimir Putin has already issued the statement that Russia will not be returning any of its medals and is threatening to shift his country’s military focus to the Russian Switzerland border.

When reminded that there is no Russia Switzerland border, Putin just smiled (an evil sinister-like smile).

Washington—Our 44^th President is missing and presumed sad at this hour after his approval rating slipped below 40%. Mr. Obama encouraged the secret service to “take the night off and go get some hookers” before he slipped off the White House grounds unattended. Many fear an ego the size of Obama’s will not tolerate such a dip in popularity and that he is likely having an approval breakdown.

“I’m glad he took his teleprompter, but it’s not connected to anything,” said Michelle Obama. “Without a stream of words projected in front of his face he sounds a lot like Sarah Palin on cough syrup, underwater. Although, come to think of it, this may actually help his approval ratings among republicans.”

If Mr. Obama is spotted The White House recommends calling 911. Do not approach the president as he is considered to be toxic to many Democrats running in the midterms and under no circumstances say the words Benghazi or healthcare.gov in his presence.

His closest advisors are all hoping he is just blowing off some steam, like last week when he egged the Chic-fil-A over on Michigan Ave.

Secret Liberal Base—Al Gore laughed manically as he opened a giant valve located deep in his subterranean laboratory. Since losing his presidential bid in 2000, Gore has tried feverishly to prove global warming. In 2010 he attempted to cross dress, which he hoped might “heat things up a bit”, full story here.

Then in an effort to increase methane emissions he used his influence to improve the worldwide sale of beans. In 2011, however, Gore felt Operation: More Beans Mr. Tagert “stunk”, so he decided instead to melt all the North Pole’s ice with a giant hair dryer. This act had unintended consequences involving his placement on someone’s “naughty list”.

Now, in a chlorofluorocarbon (CFCs) factory somewhere deep under the Earth, Gore is pumping out endless waves of ozone depleting goodness into the stratosphere.

Researcher Johannes Laube said, “We don’t know where the new gases are emanating from but, if Mr. Gore is responsible, his secret base’s location is of the utmost importance to mankind! Along with my student loan debt, which remains very high.”

Real warming story here.