Kuala Lumpur, MY—After the disappearance of flight MH370 and the shooting down of flight MH17 the Malaysian government has remained under increased pressure to keep their passengers safe. They now believe they can cure their recent air travel woes by building an advanced rail system that will one day span the globe.

This is not the first attempt at a fix, however. The Malaysian government is denying allegations that hundreds of construction workers drowned during their ill-fated “Bus Off the Island” initiative. Malaysia’s Giant Transportation Catapult System (GTCS) was also an abysmal failure that cost the lives of all sixteen of its ‘volunteers’.

The Malaysian government held out the most hope for their first plan, which consisted of a giant pneumatic tube system. When the Prime Minister of Malaysia, Najib Razak, was asked about the lost funding for this particular project, he said, “One large person is still wedged in the prototype. Did you ever see Willy Wonka? Remember that Augustus Gloop scene? Yeah, well this was much worse.”

The ski lift transport system lost funding almost immediately after calculations suggested the first tower would need to be twice the size of the Empire State Building for it to allow passengers to be ‘ski lifted’ safely to the closest point on Asia’s mainland.

The Malaysian government is asking for international help for this new rail system. “We really need some global cooperation on this one,” said Prime Minister Razak. “Otherwise it’s back to the drawing board, which for us means an actual drawing board, bales of pot, and endless Wile E. Coyote/Roadrunner cartoons. Oh, and we should probably change the name of our capital, because it sounds a bit too much like Oompa Loompa, which could trigger too many bad memories. I can’t even watch YouTube anymore without evoking some disturbing imagery.”

For the third and final question the man recounted a tail seldom heard among cryptozoological circles.   After being abducted by alien Bigfoots at Stonehenge, he was taken aboard the Loch Ness monster, which he described as a black and white metallic vehicle with red and blue swirling lights on top. 

He claims to have spent the next night shaking and sweating uncontrollably aboard a spaceship in a small stark, cell-like structure. There, he could hear the alien Bigfoots whispering things about college football and “that fucking Obama.”

Obviously, our president is doing an excellent job thwarting the alien agenda, which, according to Jesus, “Involves something really cool, uh, if I could just bum a smoke.”

At one point during his ordeal, while still aboard this craft, the man detected a noticeable presence in the room. One of the creatures then asked him for his belt and shoes, which might indicate the aliens’ interest in accessorizing. He then talked about being returned to Earth but losing a large block of time—a common phenomenon in UFO abduction scenarios. The man’s fantastic tale ended as abruptly as it began, however, as…er, Cokie really doesn’t have much of a tolerance for malt liquor products.

“Oh, and don’t forget to test drive our new Zippo Surprise series. We filled all of our airbags with butane. Just think of the fun!” continued Barra.

When asked why none of these vehicles are being recalled, she said, “Because we meant to do this. Don’t you get it? We’ve even studied the 1970 Pinto extensively to see how they did it. Lethality is now an important part of the GM experience. It captures the essence of the new Detroit. If you are in a serious car accident, do you really want to gimp around in pain the rest of your life or spend tens of thousands on medical bills? No, you want to burst into flames like that Fast & Furious guy or Richard Pryor. What, too soon? Some afterlife or another, you’ll thank us—except maybe that small percentage of drivers who survive and end up on a burn unit somewhere.”

General Motors believes such innovative features like these are the future… “at least for those people who drive our cars and don’t really have a future,” added Barra.

The Japanese Coast Guard has ruled out Gamera, the giant flying turtle, mainly because he vowed never to return after his last film totally flopped in the box office. In his defense, Gamera the Brave (2006) did really suck. Mothra is generally considered to be a good monster and only occasionally sinks ships. These incidents typically occur when he mistakes the vessel’s standard navigational beacon as a giant porch light.

The Prime Minister of Japan is completely stumped, “Why won’t Americans learn the metric system? It makes so much more sense.” In the culturally insensitive version of this post, he also said, “What is wong with you woosers!”

Nuclear engineer Homer Simpson of Springfield said, “On a good note, the crude oil from the ship is likely to have absorbed .0000000001 percent of the Fukushima radiation.” When someone explained to how the tanker was empty at the time of the explosion, Mr. Simpson added, “Doh, doh Godzilla!”

After his remarks Mr. Simpson was later sued by the band Blue Öyster Cult for copyright infringement…after which he may have added a, “Doh!”

One witness claimed, “We thought it was all part of the show. We were all like, how did they just explode on stage like that?!” Then I remember thinking, “These guys are the next Floyd, but then I was on fire.”

The White House spokesperson Jay short-timer-syndrome Carney said, “It was just a typo. It was an honest mistake by an honest intern, who, honestly, has since been promoted. Normally any drone strikes within U.S. borders requires a second signature from a witness or something. Look, Obama said he’s sorry and he’s asked Chuck Hagel to bring him coffee all week for this incident, because he’s sorry too. They’re all really sorry.”

The only surviving member of the Procol Harum, Robin Trower, said, “First we don’t get into the Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame and now this. Well, at least we didn’t have to play Whiter Shade of Pale, I am so sick of that that fucking song.”

The owner of the club is suing the government for damages and insists his establishment “released all of the kidnapped school children weeks ago.”