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Let’s Do the Time Warp Again

Mick Zano

It’s astounding, time is fleeting, madness takes its toll. Before I go on this epic Pokey rant, as you noted in an email exchange, our views are ultimately not that dissimilar and yet there remains this ocean of difference in the delivery, the solutions, the priorities, the context, and the bigger picture. Why? You need more real fake news in your diet, my friend, and lay off that red meat.  Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for reality.

First, per an email exchange, I admit we’re all brainwashed to some degree, here, but there’s Brainwashed Lite and there’s Brainwashed Double Imperial Stout Reserve. I stand by my five-calorie assessment of myself. Your brainwashed ABV % suggests you shouldn’t legislate for another six election cycles. And please don’t gerrymander and drive.

You still support the Tea Party? My suggestions for this group were ignored, here.  I warned them to stay away from establishment republicans, yet they immediately aligned themselves with corporate America and the worst aspects of the Foxeteers. Now, as John Boehner recently put it, “They have lost all credibility.” Thus by standing by them, so have you. If you remember I had some sympathy for their Founding Fodder, Ron Paul, but no longer. Invoking the Palin-plan and turning politics into a reality show not based on reality isn’t helping—well, unless you can fit Congress into the back room of Hogs & Heifers.

[Lipstick on a pig joke removed by the editor]

Summary Alert:

Republicans greatly expanded executive power under Bush and then through an obstructionist only agenda (OOA) during the Obama presidency have essentially broken our system.

As per your last post, I agree parts of the ACA remain unconstitutional, which is why I initially had reservations about supporting this legislation. I said as much on this site here

But stay tuned, kids, for an important Zano-action-plan after this important rant:

Look Pokey, most folks now agree that going into Iraq, the way we did, was a huge mistake. Then eventually people said, wow, the Patriot Act was a bad idea, wasn’t it? Now in a recent email you are changing your mind on Climate Change (so did Ken Wilber, by the way, here). Fast forward and eventually you’ll agree how Citizens United wasn’t quite as cool as the packaging. Then we’ll hear, wow, why didn’t we switch to green energies sooner? Why did we support coal for so long? Breathing turned out to be as important as jobs. Who knew?  Yeah, well I don’t care at this point, we simply don’t have enough time left to babysit republicans.

As for your little Tea Party, Kansas went the most austerity route post Bush, cuts only, and it crippled them. Europe is recovering in the order of who went the least austerity-heavy forward, which was my prediction here. Why do you still ascribe to supply-side economics amidst the greatest disparity of wealth in a century? And your “sensible solution” is a flat tax which would only widen this disparity, here. One study suggests trickledown/supply side economics has never really worked anywhere on Earth ever, here. And yet here we all are, still trickling down all over the place. Yes, there are temporary monetary gains when you break unions and create ‘right to work’ states, until that day ends when we’re all working in the same sweatshop. When red states do well it’s predominately about the pools of oil and natural resources under their feet. Republicans aren’t the Rockefellers, they’re the fucking Clampetts.

GOP Hillbillies

And someday it will become evident that there’s no military-only solution in the Middle East. Last night I heard Bill O’Reilly say he wants General Patton to rise from the grave and wipe them all out. We battled for over a decade—your way, Bill—and what do we have to show for it? ISIS? The day General McChrystal said we have a presence in 1 out of 10 valleys in Afghanistan, 6 years in, I knew this whole thing was a fool’s errand. This is whack a mole.  Obama is correct to portray these conflicts in such terms. So you’re not brave, Bill, you’re a fool. There’s nothing else to call someone who ignores, not the lessons of history, but the lessons of last week.

These tribal types are not going to hold up their hands and surrender to Zombie Patton and then we all meet in Geneva to discuss the terms of their surrender. They will hide until we are broke. Get it? I don’t know what your suggestion is either, Pokey, but if you align yourself with Bill O‘ the Clown….

There are dozens of collapsing states across the globe and we’ve gotten nowhere trying to fix only two of them through large military campaigns. If there was a viable military solution I would back it, but it’s nothing more than a farce like everything else republican’s espouse. And the only thing—the only thing these dangerously incompetent boobs have noticed in the 21st century is the unconstitutional expansion of executive power that THEY made possible. Yes the Constitution is in jeopardy, Pokey, but you cannot have an Eric Holder without an Alberto Gonzalez and, yes, they’re both wrong which is why I have been very critical of them both. We disagree not on the problem, but on the solution. If there’s any chance of restoring the Constitution it will come post The GOP. Republicans will only support the Atlas Buggered types and your little Tea Party will bankrupt us in the name of Freedom. Both of these groups are incapable of competently championing any of these causes. Republicans have proven to be dangerously delusional, which is fine if you’re downtown arguing with a fire hydrant, but not so much if you’re running the largest economy and the largest military in the world.

Here’s the plan, Pokey.

Step 1: Through the Discord’s Get Out the Spoof efforts let’s ensure there’s a steady decrease in republican elected politicians (SDREP). I want the Zano Nation—all eleven of you—to vote D in the midterms. Remember, only one person in the country thought the Dems had even a chance to hang onto the Senate.

Step 2: Foster the emergence of a new viable conservative political party with principles NOT based on a delicate blend of false assumptions and bullshit. Tea Party need not apply. This is going to be the hard part as post the GOP collapse to come will further radicalize them, here. It will be important to support moderate republican voices during this transition.

Step 3: Finally, address the shit from your last post. These are valid concerns. I voiced similar concerns pre the ACA and also pre the War on Error. First, we must create a political atmosphere wherein reforms can actually take hold. For example, a healthy Republican Party could have focused on the individual mandate of the ACA instead of 427 meaningless attempts to repeal the entire law. They could have focused on the ratio of tax cuts to revenue instead of tax cuts only. Depressions suck and so do Republicans. They can and should be ignored. But until we have a viable 2nd party this places our rights and our future in jeopardy.

The rule of law will never be restored if we keep electing those biggest offenders, those who broke said rules in the first place, in power. Hell, I was never a super majority kind of guy, as it will likely bring with it a host of its own problems, but having seen the damage one political party has wrought in the 21st century, can we survive a temporary super majority? Yes We Can!

Dear Pokey,

Your constitutionalists only focus on the 2nd Amendment, yet they still manage to misinterpret it. Your economists believe in “voodoo” and you’re still fighting conventional wars against stateless fundamentalists for the benefit of Halliburton, not America.

Sincerely,

Reality

P.S. Keep on torturing for Jesus and good luck with that next Benghazi hearing.

Or:

Meanwhile, close Guantanamo, the courts system works, Congress doesn’t. Back green energies, fuck coal. Keynesian economics works (sadly), trickle down doesn’t. I want a balanced budget too, let’s start with everything the republicans refuse to cut.  Science works, republican ideology doesn’t. Gerrymandering is a real problem, voter fraud is not. Investigate Bush’s War, not Benghazi.

Arguably the reddest state, Kansas, invariably votes for the Monsantos of the world—the ones who destroyed farming as we know it. Brilliant.  And Governor Brownback, the most austerity heavy republican of them all, busted the state’s economy so badly you can see the aftermath from flippin’ Oz.

I have suggested many things over the years and yet all my warnings have gone unheeded. What the hell have republicans warned us about? Ever? Any republican in America would immediately answer with something fundamentally false. How do we have a system of checks and balances with the perpetually unbalanced? I commend your attention to constitutional detail, Mr. McDooris but it will never be heard through The GOP’s current Scheissgeist. That remains my main point. Zano Nation unite, form of blog rant.

Transcosmetic Party anyone? Perhaps we need to create mission statement. You in, Poke?

Hundreds Washed to Sea During Cyclone Protest in India

Hundreds Washed to Sea During Cyclone Protest in India

Hyderbad, India—Thousands came out to the eastern coast of India yesterday to protest a coming cyclone that would later claim the lives of many of those same protestors.  The powerful storm, Hudhud, plowed across India seemingly oblivious to the negative press and its sinking public opinion polls.

Many are calling this abusive relationship with the weather “a cycle of violence”, or in this case a cyclone of violence. “We lost electricity in my town,” said a local fisherman Richa Gavde.  “That would be fine except we only just flippin’ got electricity in my town! What is the weather thinking? We live in mud huts for fuck sake. Oh, brave deity blowing over thousands of thatched roofed huts. Big man on campus. We don’t even have a campus yet, jerk!”

The protestors who gathered on the beach shortly prior to the storm’s arrival all shared the same contempt for meteorological patterns. It is believed they maintained this same contempt as they were swept out to sea by a raging storm surge.

“The weather is always fucking with us,” said Jatin Gupta. “Do you know how many times I have rebuilt my home in the Bangladeshian lowlands? This time I’m holding my ground. Fuck the ocean.”

One holdout from the British Empire, Nigel Chapman, held a sign that read: down with this sort of thing, “I think the ocean needs to stop this senseless aggression against land masses. We did away with this sort of thing in England ages ago. I would go back to mother England but I just added a deck and a sun roof to my mud hut. So I’ll be damned if some weather system is going to march in here and tell me what’s what.”

One of the organizers of the protest, Nitin I’m-fresh-out-of-Indian-surnames Gupta, regrets nothing, “This is only the beginning of our fight against oceanic aggression and the like. I believe the God Head is purposely stirring up powerful storms as part of the politicization of global warming. These sociopathic storms kill indiscriminately and they must be stopped. China is seeding clouds and changing their weather patterns, so I think it’s our turn. And I’m not just talking about ending the reign of cyclones, I want to see an end to their cousin, the monsoon, and their little sister the tropical depression. This is 2014 not the superheated Archaeozoic Epoch is my point.”

Nitin I’m-out-of-Indian-surnames Gupta later told the Discord he would like to add the phrase “for fuck sake” to his early statement. After careful consideration, CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow has since declined this request.

Applause Trailing Off Mid-Set for Local Coffee Shop Duo

Applause Trailing off Mid-Set for Local Coffee Shop Duo

Flagstaff, AZ—By all accounts they were doing great. The local band, Flag Beat, started off the set with something Simon and Garfunkley and, when the applause finally subsided, they banged out the jazzy sounds of old Jelly Roll. Then somehow the applause died off suddenly during the band’s rendition of Spandau Ballet’s True.

“I told my partner in crime there is no good time to play Spandau Ballet,” said Bart Newell, the lead Saxophone of Flag Beat.

Guitar player Mark “rocket” Deluca disagreed, “It wasn’t the Spandau. When we played True at nearby Bushmaster Park, we crushed, we had them eating out of our hands.”

Newell pointed out, “That’s because of the homeless population there. They didn’t like the song, they were just literally eating out of our hands.”

Deluca again protested, “I don’t know what happened. Maybe it’s Ebola, maybe it’s the whole ISIS thing, or it may simply have not been the right time for people to clap. Or maybe they all clapped too much in the beginning. Your hands can start to hurt after you clap too much and we get a lot of that.  Look at the word itself, clap, it’s also an STD. Besides, clapping may be offensive to some groups or fly in the face of cultural sensibilities and that’s the last thing I want to be a part of. I stand by our performance and our song list. We are not changing a thing. Or some might find clapping a violent act; many feel it’s a gateway gesture. I don’t clap myself so I can’t judge others for not clapping.”

Newell added, “He’s got a problem (pointing to Deluca). I should have known when he tried to get me to watch Xanadu. This guy is turning into Yoko Ono on steroids. We’ve been through more bass players than Queen and more drummers than Spinal Tap and it all comes back to two words: Spandau Ballet.”

Flag Beat will be performing next week at Bushmaster Park in an attempt to regroup and return to “their people.” Sandwiches are available upon request.  They are encouraging their homeless friends to stay as long as they want but clap as long as you stay, unless clapping is culturally offensive to you. Lead guitarist Bart Newell is making no promises about attending this performance as he is considering returning to his former band, The Armpit Salesman.  “Those guys may all have the Clap, but at least they get applause,” said Newell.

The Armpit Salesman were unavailable for comment.

White House Fence Jumper Squatting in East Room

White House Fence Jumper Squatting in East Room

Washington, DC—The Secret Service is in hot water today as even more allegations have surfaced of a massive security breakdown. First, the public was led to believe the recent White House intruder only jumped the fence and made it to the front door. The story changed on September 29th when the Secret Service admitted the intruder made it all the way to the East Room. Now they are admitting the man, Omar J. Gonzalez, not only reached the East Room, but has been living there comfortably for several weeks.

Gonzales actually first scaled the fence on August 12th and has now claimed squatter’s rights and is refusing to leave. White House lawyers admit the situation is complicated. Since the Secret Service took so long to notice Mr. Gonzales, he does have some rights to stay. Under District of Columbia Law he can remain at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue for an additional 30 days at which time he can replace Vice President Joe Biden.

Republicans were quick to criticize the President. AM radio host, Rush Limbaugh, said, “I would have already used the Stand Your Ground Laws in conjunction with a bazooka on this hippie deadbeat.”

Ann Coulter was also quick to add, “I’m sure Mr. Obama has already offered his new roommate food stamps, medical care, and a voter ID card.”

Obama is considering using an executive order to have the man “clean the bathroom and then vacate the premises” but many in his cabinet feel this constitutes two executive orders, not one.

“I don’t care what the dude in the cabinet thinks,” countered Obama. “He should get the hell out too! What the hell am I running here, a Bed & Breakfast?”

Mr. Obama later admitted he is soft on trespassers and ended up taking Mr. Gonzales golfing. The President would also like to remind republicans that the outing was totally on the tax payer’s dime.

Is Dropping Ebola Victims on ISIL Brilliant or Diabolical?

Is Dropping Ebola Victims on ISIL Brilliant or Diabolical?

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama is expounding his plans today, in hemorrhage and diarrhea filled detail, to “wipe out” ISIL. The U.S. military will begin to transport final-stage Ebola victims from Africa to the Middle East, en masse. These “volunteers” will then help the forces of good by plummeting thousands of feet before exploding and hopefully infecting the forces of evil.

President Obama told reporters today, “I am calling these brave warriors my Coalition of the Falling. You can’t destroy ISIL through any conventional military strategy. Certainly my shit-show of a predecessor taught us that much, but I have some pretty cool tricks up my sleeve. And sometimes these tricks involve dropping a steady stream of Ebola Infected Nigerians from planes like rocks, or E.I.N. Steins as I call them. Hah, hah. Sorry, it’s a German joke.”

U.S. Generals are supporting the idea of relocating those suffering from the final stages of the Ebola virus onto ISIS-controlled bases and towns. “It’s just crazy enough to work,” said General McInerney. “Many are calling this innovative form of disease transmission, Smashogens, but I call them Splatriots. I have to admit I never liked this president, until now.” The General may have added the words, “You go, girl!” but that part of the audio was muffled.

Critics claim this may well increase the spread of Ebola to innocent victims, but Obama said, “F ‘em. Sure it could spread to the wider Middle East and the five rational beings who live there, but who cares? Yeah, I’m sure life under ISIS without a head would have been truly wonderful for that sane handful of people. Besides, we passed out leaflets that clearly stated, if you’re standing next to an ISIS member, please don’t. They had their warning.”

When asked about the inhumanity of pushing people from planes to their death, Obama said, “The hospitals across Africa are really grateful we took these folks off their hands, you know, so they can concentrate on not saving the next group. Thanks to the magic of Obamacare and big Pharma, we are giving these folks enough opiates to pickle a moose. This will be the last ride of their lives so it’s win win!”

Republicans are calling for Obama’s impeachment, but only because that’s really all they do. This tactic is actually impressing the McCains and the Grahams of the world, who may have actually said to the President, “You go, girl!” but that part of the audio is muffled.

Giant Joint Image “Worth Its Weed in Gold” to Discord Photoshopper

Giant Joint Image "Worth its Weed in Gold" to Discord Photoshopper

Most Discord staffers believe image license agreements are “the work of the devil” or could represent “a slippery slope to bestiality.” Keep in mind, most Discord staffers likely smoked a similar joint to the one depicted in the stolen image prior to this fictional interview.

The Discord’s permanent intern and PhotoShopper, Mick Zano, said, “Eureka! I have arrived at the Promised Dispensary! I can stick this giant joint in the face of Obama, Boehner, the Pope, Batman, Beyonce, the possibilities are endless. This image alone could keep my family in beer and coffee for the next two months.”

Zano’s Photoshop statement was later downgraded to Elements as Mr. Winslow apparently wouldn’t spring for the full Photoshop package. The Discord staffer later admitted he doesn’t even have Photoshop Elements, or a family.  He does all Discord images in a sort of Fortranesque Etch-a-Sketch. Actually, Zano just makes shit up, which makes him perfect for the field of spliff…er, I mean spoof news.

Mr. Winslow would like to remove the word “perfect” from that last sentence and replace it with an image of a man passed out in a urinal.

Missing Immigrant Children Smuggled to Swing States Via Metro-ground Railway

Missing Immigrant Children Smuggled to Swing States via Metro-ground Railway

“This is more evidence of the War on Easter,” said Obama.  “We should not be limited to worshipping anthropomorphic egg-bearing rabbits on only one day each year. Let’s not forget the true meaning of Easter, which, again, involves this rabbitoid thing and the distribution of decorated hardboiled chicken eggs.”

The First Lady added, “What Barack is trying to say is, it doesn’t in any way have to do with amnesty for all illegals and then lowering the voting age so Democrats can win more elections.”

The President made a dismissive gesture toward his wife, before saying, “Now, if you will excuse us, we need to make sure the kids aren’t trying to release the flying monkeys again.”

On their way inside, the same reporter asked why all the children appeared to be totting milk shakes and large sacks of candy, Michelle said, “Uh, yeah, there’s a War on Halloween too. Besides, we had to do something with all the booty in those school candy machines that I confiscated.”

Kazoo Legend Slim Addelson Inducted Into Kazoo Hall of Fame

Kazoo Legend Slim Addelson Inducted into Kazoo Hall of Fame

We are being told it’s actually Gazoo from The Flintstones.

I didn’t really write this part. Don’t turn me in. This can be our little secret. Okay, you shouldn’t keep secrets. It’s like that good post, bad post thing. But our CEO is paying me by the word these days and I really need some extra beer money this week.  You would need a beer too if you had to work day in and day out for our CE0 and resident one percenter, Pierce X. Winslow. He’s always acting like Lou Grant on ‘roid rage…well, on a good day.  Oh, and I got this bad histamine like reaction after taking Niacin, is that normal? Am I allergic?

Blah, blah blah. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy.

Really, I think it’s starting to form a rash.

This Day in Future History: President Perry Bombs U.N.

This Day in Future History: President Perry Bombs U.N.

Manhattan, NY—President Perry launched a preemptive strike on the United Nations headquarters earlier today. Perry is calling the collapse of the nearby Queens Midtown Tunnel “unfortunate collateral damage.” President Perry went on to say, “There are three reasons I leveled the United Nations today: 1. it’s becoming increasingly clear the U.N. does not have the sole interests of America in mind. 2. they keep calling the death of every last Gazan “Israeli genocide”—which is simply not the case as several Gazans are still alive in prisons and museums—and number 3…. ah …umm. I think it had to do with midtown parking.”

When further questioned about the QMT collapse, Perry said, “NYPD tapped on the tunnel five minutes before the explosion. They all received the ‘Netanyahu Knock’. Those who chose to remain in the tunnel after that time, during bumper-to-bumper rush hour traffic, were in violation of the law. So the fact they were all crushed and/or drowned is on them.”

In related news, The Perry Administration has dropped all investigations on NSA spying and CIA torture in favor of a 57th special committee on Benghazi.  “57 has always been my lucky number,” chuckled Perry. “There are just too many unanswered questions in 2023, questions I’m sure Vice President Cruz will come up with before the hearings.”

Perry shrugged off criticism that the combined cost of these committees have now topped the combined economies of the poorest 32 nations of the world. “Nonsense,” said Perry. “Poor countries would love to have all these special investigative hearings. They’re just jealous. Four Americans died in Benghazi and we don’t even know if Hillary ordered the attack. I don’t even think we’ve asked that one yet. Someone write that down.”

When a reporter attempted to ask a question about Global Warming, he was shot in the face by Secret Service. “Yes, we are losing coastal areas to what I am calling oceanic aggression. I’m not a scientist, but many on my side of the aisle feel tidal extremism is caused by socialism. We’re losing sand, Bernie Sanders, there’s a connection in there somewhere. We can only win the War on Water via increased fracking and the construction of the Keystone Pipeline VII. We can’t let the oceans dictate our energy choices. That’s not freedom. Besides, coal plants are now doing their part by offering free gas masks for children and our senior citizens.”

When questions turned to our nation’s economic woes, Perry said, “Obama’s global economic collapse of 2008 remains an important lesson, but with a very healthy .2%, and republicans back at the helm, shit should start trickling down any minute now.” The President then gazed toward the sky, held out his hand, and repeated, “…any minute.”

He then touted his signature legislative achievement, Trump-Limbaugh, which helped deport Obama and his family back to Kenya. He then concluded, “I don’t want people to keep complaining that since the closing of the FDA one in ten food products contain either salmonella or botulism. Think about the nine food products that don’t! Nine out of the ten is an A in Texas. And, remember, today is a great day to be an American, but today is also almost over, so please adhere to all curfew restrictions and Cruz Laws. In the name of freedom, go home and stay there. Those homeless among you should report to your nearest Reagan Shelter for processing.”

Parmesan Cheese Newest Tool in Battle Against Drug Addiction

Parmesan Cheese Newest Tool in Battle Against Drug Addiction
Alex Bone

In one of the most unexpected moves of his presidency, Barack Obama announced how America’s Drug addiction recovery funds will be transferred to a new and radical drug treatment that involves the use, and misuse of Parmesan Cheese. The FDA is now parmed and dangerous as methadone treatment centers and the like across this grate country are being supplied with high grade parmaceuticals.

The main premise: all drugs and craving will be replaced by the use of parmesan cheese. “If you used to smoke meth, now you’ll be encouraged to wean off with an 8-ball shaker of parmesan cheese,” said Dr. William Lynn, CEO of Bristol-Myers-Kraft. “If you’re hooked on heroin, now you can snort all the cheese you like on the Feds! No cops, no hassle and at nearly 100% off the street value. What a deal for everyone, especially those folks at the Cheesecake Factory.”

Vincent Drake, owner of Hidden Shadows Pharmaceuticals, was quick to adjust his company’s approach, “We’ve already created a fresh batch of products and got a Twitter page for our new line of parmaceuticals.  Our mottos, Just Say Roman-No and Parmesan: the Other White Meth are being well received. We believe such parm reduction models will go a long way to winning the war on drugs.”

Field reporter Cokie McGrath added, “If you snort enough parm, you can just sneeze onto your pasta and voila’, you’re ready for dinner. Just sneeze for more cheese…I like that.”

Meth-Head-Moe felt less certain of this approach. “Maybe it’s just me, but besides the horrible burning sensation when you snort it, parmesan cheese just isn’t the same at all, man. I’m still jonesing really hard. Say, you got a couple of bucks? Otherwise I’m going to knock off a Dominos for their parm shots.”

After Zano, Ballz, and I tried some, Ballz got so sick and moved into Winslow’s bathroom, which is still three times the size of Ballz’s house. Zano just curled up into a ball and started rocking uncontrollably, which is not that dissimilar from most nights. I thought it was okay as long as you filled the bottle with macaroni first.

Time will tell if this will move our addictive hordes to less dangerous substances.  Critics question whether or not this is just an insidious plot to save the American cheese farmer. Is Obama’s plan to retire in Wisconsin just a coincidence? Is there a connection between this initiative and Big Parma? Or is this another insidious plot concocted by the makers of Lipitor?